Posted by
Mumsie
14 yrs ago
hi all.. a small problem but one that has been bugging me a lot. Recently, I was invited to a birthday party and one of the kids (whose mom I know) there was throwing a huge tantrum, not queuing up to get food and basically being a spoilt brat. After the kid calmed down, I was nearby so made polite conversation to her mom and offering a sympathetic comment by saying, "she is normally a really good girl, she's just having a bad day today".. the mom snapped at me by saying "So What. She is a six year old, they are all like that" and stormed off. Now, I know this is really really petty - but I was just trying to be kind and whilst I know - being in that position can put you in a bad mood, (been there..) but I would never be rude to someone who was just trying to help. This mom has also been hawking her custom made jewellery to me for a couple of months, and I even decided to throw a party and invite a few friends around to show her wares. I am not sure I deserved being spoken to that way and feel a bit miffed. Am I being too sensitive?
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First off, the tantrum you described would perhaps be acceptable for a 2-3 year old but a 6 year old should be way past such behaviour. They really aren't "all like that". Perhaps the mother is out of her depth and embarrassed and feels insecure about it.
Granted we have only heard your side but I would say you deserve an apology. She may have been having a really bad day but if she apologizes of course be nice about it. If an apology is not forthcoming, don't be shy about not being social with her anymore. There are enough nice people out there; no need to buddy up with the a**es.
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sicn
14 yrs ago
Mumsie,
You don't like the parent and her kid. Why try to be nice and pretend to be friend with them?
Though you can ask for an apology and might get one from her, you think it would be actually a sincere one?
And last, most parents, especially moms, don't like to be told how their children really are by others cause they all believe they know their children best that their angels can do no wrong.
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Ok, I'll grant that tantrums happen, but at that point as a parent I would have removed the child from the room. Also I don't think the tantrums are as bad as those at 2-3.
Anyway still a rude parent. ;)
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Last december (6 months ago now, sheesh!) I was verbally attacked by a mother of another child at school pick up time for something which really had nothing to do with her and was completely out of my control anyway. It got to the point where she was asked to leave by the teacher because she was frightening the children. I somehow managed to keep calm through the attack and was praised by my friends who witnessed it for not decking her1 The other mother and I have friends in common and see each other on a regular enough basis although we don't socialize directly and she's continued to be frosty even after I attempted to have a coffee and a chat with her 2 months after the incident to smoothe things out and she remained indignant about her behavior.
You can't be buddies with everyone. I just accept now that we'll attend children's birthday parties together from time to time and see each other at school pick up and drop off times. It's a shame because her daughter and my son really like each other and we live on the same street only about 10 houses apart yet after this incident, it's not only affected the immediate 2 families but a number of the social groups.
I tried to take the high road and it didn't lead to any headway and I tried the direct approach and got even less, so sometimes it's just wise to give up.
Thanks for letting me have my rant! -hope it helped you a little too!
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Hi everyone, thank you so very much for all the interesting comments which I have read with a lot of interest. It is always helpful to get another perspective as we all view things differently and I read each post carefully and pondered over the comments I received. I know you only have my side of the story but the above was basically it. The reason for the post was basically to get it of my chest - and as initially, I was concerned I may have overreacted or was somewhat petty however, it does seem that most people perhaps felt that the other parent did react rudely and under most circumstances, most parents would feel bad if treated that way... I will avoid this parent in the future.. I agree there is no point wasting your time being nice or courteous to people who just are plain rude - so many other people to be nice too..haha. I guess you just have to live with the fact that some people are like that, and no matter how nice you are to them, or how many times you run through your head whether you could have said things differently or blame yourself .. bottom line is some people are just not worth the time ......
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Imagine being the only father at their kid's school events. The white mothers hang out talking to each other in English. The Chinese mothers hanging out and talking to each other in Mandarin and Cantonese. The helpers talking to each other in Tagalog. Poor me sitting in the corner wishing for the party to end so I can take my kid home. In the beginning of the year I tried to mingle, but now that the school year is ending, I don't really care anymore. Hopefully, his next year's class parents are "nicer" and more inclusive, just like the ones from the previous year. This year's class "Moms" were way too cliquey.
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"Imagine being the only father at their kid's school events. "
Welcome to my world. :)
Not saying there aren't nice moms, but even the nicer ones tend to get sucked into the clique mentality. When they are in a group I automatically seem to get stuck on the outside, and just like you I don't care that much.
As you say it varies from year to year. Last school year was brilliant and I'm still good friends with some of those moms even though our kids aren't in the same schools anymore. This year I've just been "meh"... No matter, I have other friends.
I actually tend to talk to the helpers a lot at events. They are often the most fun and friendly once they get over the "not talking to employers" thing. I also enjoy how this seems to shock many of the moms, typically those who treat their helpers like walking/talking furniture.
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Believe it or not, it is true. If it's "my kind of people" at the party, I tend to be very gregarious as you know. But at the "mums having tea" events I'm pretty absent.
I spent two hours at a recent birthday party sitting in a corner and wishing there was beer served. ;)
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I'd like to chime in that some people don't respond well to passive aggressive comments. just saying...
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Mumsie wasn't being passive aggressive. She was trying to be helpful.
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really? How? By telling a parent that she thinks their child is behaving like a brat?
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As I interpreted it, she already knew the parent in question. She was trying to tell said parent that she needn't be embarrassed. In other words she was trying to be nice.
The "correct" answer from that parent would have been something like "thanks, that's nice of you to say, but she really is behaving like a brat..."
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I completely agree the other parent could of handle a hundred different better considering they all will see each other again at other events.
But that still doesn't take away the passive aggressive style which the OP displayed.
She then goes on to try to win support by saying how 'great' she is in 'helping' (the always helpful one isn't she?) the other with jewelry.
for me, I'm not really buying it.
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sorry i mucked up the 1st sentence and the 'edit' function doesn't work. It should read:
I completely agree the other parent could of handled it a hundred different ways better considering they will see each other again at other events.
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Bbrave
If you had read my post properly without judgment or bias, you would have seen that I was in fact unsure if I was in fact was wrong or had reacted too sensitively to the other parent’s comment.
I find it incredibly sad that there are people out there who are so twisted they actually believe that people who are genuinely trying to help are.. what was that term… “passive aggressive” – what kind of psycho mumbo jumbo is that? Hmmm, interesting thought, before I went to the event, I went through my psychology book, came upon the term, ..“passive aggressive” and thought, (while rubbing my hands in glee..) now why don’t I try this today at this event and mercilessly taunt a parent of a spoiled child…
Fact it, I was trying to be helpful as the other parent was red with embarrassment and all eyes were on her… both local and expat parents .. everyone were all staring her down….because I was closeby and knew her, I just made a sympathetic comment.
The world are so full of different sorts.. the next time your kids don’t behave.. I sure hope someone throws you a kind smile or comment and not leave you hanging there with 100 pairs of eyes on you and you squirming with embarrassment…
After your post, one thing’s for sure, I am sure a lot of parents reading this will now re-think whether they want to be nice or go out of their way to be nice in a similar situation like mine to avoid possibly being misjudged and treated with contempt by parents like yourself …
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By the way, apxtguy38 and Philly Cheese,
I may have seen one of you at a recent birthday event .. there was one poor dad in a sea of mommies and helpers.... looking extremely bored...
I'll pop over and say hi in future.. at the risk of having my intentions misjudged or analysed in detail...
Cheers
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Cheers. While you're at it, bring over a nice cold one too. I promise not to go Freud on you.
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Presumably people like yourself post their issues on online forums to actually consider different points of view not only to seek validation.
"After your post, one thing’s for sure, I am sure a lot of parents reading this will now re-think whether they want to be nice or go out of their way to be nice in a similar situation like mine to avoid possibly being misjudged and treated with contempt by parents like yourself …"
I imagine parents would thank me for saving them from such experiences.
"my psychology book, came upon the term, ..“passive aggressive” and thought, (while rubbing my hands in glee..) now why don’t I try this today at this event and mercilessly taunt a parent of a spoiled child… "
I suggest you purchase another psychology book (perhaps one that is easier to read) since you obviously do not understand its meaning.
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Philly Cheese.. will bring you a cold one and one for myself.. !
Bbrave.... get a life.....
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FIFIB
14 yrs ago
Some parents are real brats so what can we expect from the kids? They learnt as they see.
My daughter has a very good friend at school, the girl has come to my daughter's last two bd parties altough the last one the parents didn't come they sent her with one of the other classmates.
2 weeks ago it was this girl's bd party and she told my daughter she wanted to invite her but her mother said no.
And that is because the mother thinks I am Phillipino, which I am not. I am not even Asian
So here I am being descriminated for some that I am not and even if I was, I have an education, a carrer that's a lot more than this woman.
I was pretty upset because my daughter was crying to see most of the girls in her class were invited oh sorry that is the blond, caucasian girls.
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OK, that is pretty rude. Please don't punished the kid for her mother's rudeness. Continue to invite her over for playdates as she is your daughter's friend. Kindness trumps narrowmindedness and that is the best lesson that you can give your daughter and her friend.
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hi Fifib, that must be very hurtful.
Sometimes its hard when people are hurtful with the way they act.
Keep your head held high and think of it this way - its pure ignorance not arrogance... stupid is as stupid does.. and all that.
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FIFIB
14 yrs ago
No we are not inviting the girl again, sad because in fact I like her.
Her mother thinks we are not good enough to be invited but it's ok for her daughter to come?
I know this German woman is ignorant and empty headed but I cannot say this to my daughter you know kids repeat, so there you have me consoling my little girl :o(
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Hi Fifib,
I don't really think you should punish the other mother's daughter... just because the mother needs her head examined, don't take it out on her child... Your daughter will miss her friend.
Philly Cheese is spot on. Exhibit kindness, tolerance and acceptance and eventually, despite the naysayers and cynics. the world may hopefully be a better place for us all one day!
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FIFIB
14 yrs ago
Dear Philly Cheese and Mumsie,
I totally get your meanning but this woman is also putting me in an embarrasing position in front of the other mothers.
They all come to my daughter's bd party and we also go to theirs, so it was pretty uncomfortable when the other mother's were saying they missed us at the party.
As the say goes: Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me
The girls can be friends at school and they will continue seing each other at different playdates.
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"They all come to my daughter's bd party and we also go to theirs, so it was pretty uncomfortable when the other mother's were saying they missed us at the party."
Tell the other mothers you weren't invited but don't elaborate.
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'get a life'?
mumsie: who has posted her petty actions online looking for validation? just asking, of course ;)
.......go on.......I'm listening.....zzzzzzzzzz
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Bbrave (lurve your log-in name.. so indicative of the type of person you must be)
If you don't want my opinion, then why write a mean spirited comment and then pretend you are not interested in my reply? You obviously do need a life. Me too maybe haha..., but you need one more.
Noone on this thread has had anything negative to say to me or any other posters except you.
So - yeah - get a life........BE BRAVE.......its not so hard to be nice to others. Sounds like you lead a very happy, fulfilling life with lots of good friends and have such a rosy view of life ........so go live it .. and let us get on with our own.
Bye now
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It's only an username - don't over-analyze or over-think it. *sigh*
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As a teacher, we spend more time and energy dealing with the petty machinations of the parents than any issues the students might have. People are incredibly defensive about their children, which I can understand, but have an extraordinary inability to put themselves in the shoes of others, parents, children or even educational professionals. We all want to give our children the perfect childhood and that is understandable too, but life is not perfect, these kinds of incidents occur regularly in all communities all over the world. The key is to have a sense of perspective; how much of an issue is it really, does it necessitate you using up so much emotional energy and time, especially as you have no control over anyone else's behaviour? You are also only seeing things from your perspective, you have no idea what is going on in someone else's life or the stresses they might be under. Even if they are simply rude, let it be their problem and not yours. Finally, unfortunately such social experience are not uncommon and both you and your children will have to learn to deal with them now and later, as your child becomes an adult. Too much time and energy is given to minor social issues which could be given to better causes or even your own children. As much as a social incident might upset you, we have all been there, its nothing in the big scheme of raising your children.
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Thank you Ann. Very well written.. thank you for that insight... it was upsetting at that time... water of a duck's back now...you are right. In the grand scheme of things, it was nothing. Just at the point of time it happened, it was upsetting, you know...
Bbrave.... good come back... honestly, that made me chuckle !!! :) White flag...... don't want to bore the other users with our back and forth insults ...so sayonara for now.
Over and out...
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Awhhh....guess all good things has to an end some time.
Well if you ever need a different perspective just holler! :) <---that's suppose to be a big grin
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FIFIB
That is quite common in some expat circles in HK. They can get very judgemental and cliquish. The isolation Philly Cheese has experienced as a dad, I have experienced as a mum working full time and living in a mostly stay at home mum community, even i get ostracized. But I've learnt to let the idiotic mannerisms of such mothers go.
I also now make an effort to seek out a single parent who seems to be isolated and include him/her in any group discussion or general clique as while someone might do that to me, I definitely don't want to be doing that to another.
Invite that girl. Don't be like THAT mum as you're way better and above it all. Even if she doesn't invite your daughter back. It doesn't matter. Your daughter has a lesson to learn here about people that will carry her through life in a far more beneficial way.
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Many staying home moms in the expat circle don’t have the opportunity to gain the right perspective outside of their own sheltered households. Some of them lose the sense of the REAL life. Yet they supposed to help their kids to make their way into the real world. The problem is not who is rude/right or not. It is the parents who need to be more in touch with the real world so that they can equip their kids with the same social skills.
Also there are always some rude Moms who don't like to social with you because the way you are (either prettier, younger, or having a job...) really make them feel bad. So shug it off. It is not your problem.
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FIFIB
14 yrs ago
Dear Gobackhome,
Yes you are correct about some stay home mothers loosing sense of reality.
There are many out there that should be working because their family needs the income but yet they are not qualified to get a job that would allow them to make enough money to make sense to work.
I am really in the middle because I work part time but when I am with my friends some of them stay home mothers and they start judging the working mothers I let them know it is very difficult their roll so last thing they need is people passing judgment on them.
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