My daughter is 15 years old and has unfortunately fallen into bad company. The girls she hangs out with are just using her and despite my best efforts to keep them apart my daughter won't stay away from them. One of the girls is a known dope user and the other one cant seem to keep her legs closed for more than 10 minutes. I have spoken to their parents and they don't seem to care even though one of them is a teacher. Has anyone been in a similar situation, i really need advice on this.
Thanks in advance
SD
Please support our advertisers:
Hi - very difficult situation. I have had experience of it twice - once with a boy and once with a girl. Both times it was resolved in the same way, by sending them to boarding school. It has had a remarkable effect in both instances with both kids maturing beyond their years in a very short time.
You mentioned your discussions with the parents. Unfortunately their laissez-faire attitude to their own kids behaviour is very symptomatic of the Hong Kong effect. Some parents just don't care and farm out the upbringing of kids to 3rd parties. A very selfish attitude that will bring all sorts of repercussions in later life.
Just my tuppence worth.
Please support our advertisers:
holidays are near. Take her on a trip to somewhere where either she can develop a sense of social need.. for example Cambodia to see the temples, she can meet a lot of street children who are very literate in English and interact with them. Talk to her about these kids and their plight.. about wider world issues, so that she gets a sense of purpose. If not, find some friends' with daughters who are smart and leaderish and go over to their place as often as possible. Another idea is sport..netball, dragonboating, my personal favourite..belly dancing.
I don't recommend the make your bed lie on it approach. Shows an uncaring mother, which you clearly aren't. You need to be completely the opposite and exude the type of behaviours and attitudes you want your daughter to exhibit.
If the girls are in the same class, send the teacher an email voicing your concerns and ask him/her to acknowledge to the girls that they have observed some of this poor behaviour and know what's going on. Sometimes when they hear if from a different mentor source, the allure starts to fade..
Please support our advertisers:
Tommyknocker.... just wondering what you mean by sending them to boarding school and letting them grow up that way? Is it for the short term until they've corrected their behaviour or it is boarding school from then on? As a mother, I would love to be there for my children until they leave for college/uni, especially with girls. I don't mind if it's temporary but I don't know if I could do it from high school onwards or the age of 15 onwards although I have thought of sending my kids back for their studies if the educational cost here is too much for us to handle by then.
Sorry, malka. I also disagree with make your bed, lie on it approach. Not for teens whom I am responsible for, and definitely not at a fragile age of 15. I would most likely involve the teachers, principal and school counsellor so that they can keep an eye out on the situation while they are at school. Tell the school the background of these kids so that they can be monitored.
As for your daughter, I would personally pick her up after school if you are not working and tell her that she needs to earn your trust if she wants to go out with friends after school. This means, hanging out with responsible friends and doing responsible and harmless activities together. If you do allow her such freedom, you need to be able to contact her at all times and you need to know her exact whereabouts so you can check on her to make sure she's doing exactly what she's told you - movies, skating etc etc etc. The minute she breaks this trust, take the priviledge back from her. Trust has to be earned if she wants more freedom.
The other parents could be in denial too. Perhaps they don't believe that their own kids would do such a thing?
Please support our advertisers:
CW@HK
12 yrs ago
Tommyknocker do you see no irony in your comments regarding sending them to boarding school where they are raised by teachers, not you, and yet you criticise people in Hk for farming the upbringing of their kids to 3rd parties. Many would argue that is exactly what you have done.
Please support our advertisers:
Please support our advertisers:
Please support our advertisers:
Each child/person is different. Your daughter is 15, it's time to treat her as an "adult". If you don't have a good communication with her, then it's going to be difficult to get through her (i.e. that you're doing all these because you love her, and for her own good).
It's obvious from your post that you're not able to "dictate" on her anymore. One way to make her do what you want her to do then, is to let her see that it is really for her own good what you're trying to make her do. If you fail to make he realize that, then find another way.
Please support our advertisers:
There is no irony at all. You may look at it as farming out the upbringing but in reality what it is doing is putting them in an environment where there is structure, good education and the chance to mature in an environment which fosters self development and understanding. Please don't be so stupid as to think there is a parallel between a helper raising your kids and putting them in a boarding school environment.
It's clear that it's not working for the OP - and if any of you are parents you will be all too aware of the pushback from teenage kids in relation to parental advice.
I'm just providing an option - that's what "Advice forums" are for, no?
Please support our advertisers:
Communication is the key. Your child needs to feel unconditional love at home. SHow that you care, be there, spend time with your child. cancel an appointment or two to be with her and go shopping or doing something that is interesting to her. You will never be able to stop her acting out, but so often the reason for a teen to act is is because they feel unloved and unable to speak to family without feeling judged. I would prefer to know what my child is up to by showing her i am non-judgemental when she speaks to me, than her refusing to share ANYTHING with me because she is scared of how i will react. I bite my tongue a lot. But after my child has shared all the things with me (cute boys, music she liks that i think is pretty crap!, mean tricks she played on teachers or whatever) the hardest thing for me to do is react with understanding and interest! But once i do, she seems so close to me and when we are communicating well, she is happier, and making healthier choices. I also had to work a lot on my own hang ups and child hood scars to work out how to build a better relationship with my tween. I hope things work out for you. Just be there for her. Sending her away to boarding school will only send the message that you dont love her. simple.
Please support our advertisers:
tala
12 yrs ago
I read once, a long time ago, that 'children need your love most when they deserve it least'. Although it may not always seem like it, she needs you to help her get through this and away from these girls. We had a similar situation some years ago: my daughter did not want to do the things that they did, but simply could not detach herself from the undesirable friends; she was too afraid of their reaction and revenge. It was a bit of a long haul but these would be my tips: 1. Be consistent. Don't move the boundaries; what's unacceptable does not change, if you are going to do things like cut her pocket money then be firm about it. If she wants it back: make the return performance-linked ie 'finish your Maths assignment and show me'. (Sometimes this helps her just say to the others, 'I can't, I'm not allowed/I have no money/I have to finish my Maths .') 2. Agree with chykeman: keep communication open. Don't punish her with no-speaks or shouting matches. It can be an effort to stay calm and reasonable but...you're the adult, you have to do this. You may, as chykeman says, have to work on yourself a bit for this! 3. Don't rely on other parents or the school to help you out here. You are pretty much on your own with it and have to make your own rules. Let her know that you have both reached a point where things have to change and spell out the new order ie, keeping curfew, home for meals, homework done. You have to decide what the consequences will be for transgressions but money, lack of, is reasonably effective. 4. Don't despair. My daughter eventually got to the point where she saw through them, didn't desire their company and wasn't afraid of them; went on to get a good degree, loves her job and has good relationships. She DOES remember her secondary schooling as a very unhappy time, but we don't dwell on it. Keep the faith with her :)
Please support our advertisers:
Nice promotion of your child abusing nature billy boy. Slap her resolves nothing. This child needs support and your suggestion to physically assault her is foul. Spam and trollish.
Please support our advertisers:
a diffcult situation to be in. i have a 15 year old daughter. at this age, they would like independence like an adult but in a lot of areas they lack experience and they need guidance, perhaps more than ever because they have more freedom now. some parents seem to think their 15 year olds are big enough to make their own decisions. i always have an watchful eye, epsecially friends they hang out with. i often say choose friends carefully because we all become like our friends. guide her think of the consequences of drugs and not getting good grades. the reality of life means she won't get accepted into good universities/colleges and life can be hard if one ends up with no qualifications and working in 7/11. she'll have more options and more fun if she get good grades and look after herself by eating well and having good values. i agree that 15 year old needs love but they are much less vocal about it. i still say: i love you, do u need any help? are u ok? every day. i am a homemake and buys and prepares food she loves, and she tends to talk when she is having her favourite foods. she knows and feels she's loved. sometimes i tell stories of children of friends or fr newspapers how teenagers get into wrong comapny and get into trouble. ... i also agree that parents needs to be strict but be flexibly strict with teenagers especailly if you haven't been strict. state why you are concerned, why you are doing what u are doing, listen to her, watch and observe and be flexible. i send you and your loved ones love and hope for the best for you and your family.
Please support our advertisers:
Remmy
12 yrs ago
Why is it so important that a daughter "keeps her legs closed" as you put it? As a lady matures "leg opening", to use your phrase, is inevitable as she wants to experience the pleasures available of sex etc, of which she will be reminded by almost any movie, TV show, music video, teenage magazine etc.
Education is the key as children, not prohibition. Open discussion between parent and child. If not, you will get rebellion and mistrust, and then you really are in trouble.
Please support our advertisers:
Remmy, spot on. What you're saying here is that we're all human and detest the thought of others (especially parents) controlling us. We've all been there.
At some point, the parents need to step back as the child realises that they are in charge of their own destiny. At this point, wisdom afforded by the combination of nature and nurture kicks in. This is the roller coaster of being a teenager and of being a parent of a teenager.
The worst thing you can do at this point is try and exercise control. At this stage, it's about ensuring that your child trusts you as a source of nurture and advice. And that's all about your behavior, not hers.
Best of luck.
Please support our advertisers:
Remmy and Mr Bigglesworth, the reason is fairly simple. The child in question is only 15.
I don't believe a girl at that age is mature enough to handle all the responsibility of having sex. And I daresay, I do not believe boys at that age will be able to handle the same maturity either.
At the end of the day, if a 15 year old falls pregnant, who do you think end up bearing the brunt and raising the baby? It is the girl's parents and the girl's responsibility which she has to shoulder for the rest of her life alone.
Yes, we have a duty to educate them to prevent it from happening but why take the risk by allowing the "possibility" of it happening by letting her go out and have her freedom, especially when you know peer influence is at its peak at that age?
Yes, there will come a time when I will allow my girls to go out and explore their sexuality and I will be very positive about it, but it won't be at 15.
Open communication, yes it's important and both sides have to compromise but then there are also certain limitations. I guess it really depends on each family what they are comfortable with.
Please support our advertisers:
??? My post didn't even mention sex.
Please support our advertisers:
Apologies then, Mr Bigglesworth. Phew!
Just that Remmy's whole post was about "keeping her legs closed" and you said, "Remmy, spot on".
Please support our advertisers:
aaliyahM what age would you consider ok for your boys and what age would be ok for your girls? just wondering...
Please support our advertisers:
Haha, I think mentioning it would create too much controversy. How about going by the legal age of consent in HK which is 16 and anything lower than that will lead to criminal offence? If you look at US alone, you'll find that each state has a legal age of consent ranging from 16-18. Even the AIDS/HIV charity organisation has published the legal age of consent for various countries. I guess one could just look at those and then make a decision based on your family's beliefs?
Please support our advertisers:
fair enough, but in Europe the legal age of consent is often much lower (e.g. 14 if the age gap is less than 2-3 years). in my mind that is much more sensible than an absolute age boundary
Please support our advertisers:
I think tommyknocker got a lot of flak because this seems to be irrational in this day and age. However i think that is a very effective method also. Boarding schools have a rote method as far as studies and daily curriculum goes. They are channeled in a certain way and in t his day and age, the boarding school are a lot of fun and you can be with your age group almost 24/7. You also grow fast and mature as you need to take care of things and have fun at the same time.
We think letting the kids do what they want. Sex, drug and rocknroll is ok as that is the way to treat them like an adult. Yet sending them away where they are bought up the right way is not the right thing to do.
Finally do you need to watch them and see them grow?
Then keep our wayward child in the house and watch them travess through unwanted pitfalls??
My two cents and I you are to flame me!
Please support our advertisers:
Remmy
12 yrs ago
Aali - The "legal" age for sex is irrelevant to what is morally right for your daughter. If you were living in Ethiopia where girls have sex at 12, would that mean it would be OK for your daughter to do it too? Or, if you lived in a country where it was 18, would you want her to wait that long before she did it? Rather than "strict rules" by reference to "the law" I suggest focussing on discussion and education. If you try to ban it, punish it, etc, thats when the problems will start. If you accept it will happen (yes, daughters do grow up, I know its scary) and introduce the concept of condoms, safe(er) methods etc you are at least empowering her to be responsible. I am sure not many parents like to accept the reality, but kids these days are just doing these things earlier and getting up to all sorts of things that you really wish they were not.
You should also have a discussion about sensible use of drugs etc, because again, if you take too strict a stance you may aliente yourself - I've seen it happen many times before.
Please support our advertisers:
thumbs up "iwilltry"
agree with you
Please support our advertisers:
Remmy, I brought up the legal age because it is what's allowed here in HK- to avoid controversy. Notice I haven't given you an answer? The OP however asks about a 15 year old... and that, without a question is too young even by HK law. I have seen that in Europe, the age of consent is lower, thanks cookies... but at the same time, we live in HK now so the OP's daughter will need to abide by the laws here ;-)
Sex isn't just about pleasure. A consenting female must protect her own body against unwanted pregnancy, sexual diseases and she must look after her own emotional state. That's a hell of a lot of responsibility.
Please support our advertisers:
iwilltry, your post about your dad actually just explained a lot of your other posts. thanks for sharing
so my advice is, if you want someone like remmy (read his other posts!) then do what he says. if you want someone like iwilltry (read her other posts!) then do what she says. each to their own
Please support our advertisers:
Z
12 yrs ago
Invite these girls to family dinner in your home, often. Invite them over as often as you can supervise to play cards or board games or puzzles ... the sorts of activities that one does in a small group that invites chatting. The bigger issue is not that the girls are sexually active or smoking dope, it is that you feel that they are "using" your daughter. Your daughter knows your values, and at this age, she is responsible for her own decisions and the consequences of them, but kids who "use" other kids, generally look for kids whose parents aren't involved in their lives. If you make it about the friends, your daughter gets defensive; if you include the friends [especially if you don't like them], your daughter gets a chance to see them more clearly and decide for herself if those are the kids she wants to befriend. And you also get a chance to see if they have other redeeming qualities.
Please support our advertisers:
Milty
12 yrs ago
Z - board games and puzzles at 15 years old ?!!!!! I don't think so !!!
No-one does that at 15.... No-one with personality and a sense of fun.
Please support our advertisers:
You must be logged in to be able to reply.
Login now
Copy Link
Facebook
Gmail
Mail