since from begning my wife always given my daughter what ever she wishes. Now things are getting out of control where ever she goes market or other places. she demands things and if not given start screaming and crying loudly this is very disturbing now, at home she through things around and does the same if her demand is not met. Please advise what to do things are getting worst each day.
thanks
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1) agree between your wife and yourself on where you draw the line. pick the most unacceptable things first and agree to put a consistent stop to it
2) explain it to the daughter and tell her from now on that no more exceptions to the rule are made
3) fight through hell for 1-2 weeks while your daughter will test your boundaries, play off you against your wife, try to play off neighbours against you and your wife, etc. most important is: NO EXCEPTIONS
4) after 1-2 weeks she will get that you are serious and start accepting
kids need boundaries!
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Agree with Cookie.
Kids around this age can't express themselves well, so they do the usual things: crying, stumping, shouting, etc.
It's so logical really. When they want something and don't get it, they will express themselves in mentioned manners. Once it worked, they will do it again thinking that that is the right way of asking for it (having their way). In a way, by giving in previously, you've trained her to do what she is doing right now. So, you need to "harden" your heart so that her crying, shouting, etc don't make you change your mind (as Cookie said).
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First, reward your child for good behavior. Point out instances when she's good and praise her lavishly. With my kids, I would give them a warning about what will happen if they don't stop misbehaving in public. Then, if they still don't listen, be prepared to take them away from the shop/park/friend's house and go straight home. Do it in a strong, calm and composed manner no matter how angry you may be. No need to have a dialogue at this point if she's hysterical. Show her you can handle the situation in a calm and mature manner. Hopefully, she will see that unacceptable behaviors have consequences and do not work. Reward her for good behaviors. Before going out, talk to her and let her know that if she misbehaves, the consequence will be XXX and if she behaves, the reward will be XXX. Good luck.
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Cara is correct.
I would actually say just let them cry and throw tantrum. After few tantrums they really begun to know the limits and only then can you have a meaningful dialogue.
my 2c.
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thank you very much for all valuable comments. major problem now we face is when she cry she do so loudly that she induce vomit behaviour and constant crying she will eventually vomit and make things worst. this part my wife cannot bear and she will gave up and full fill her demand. anything can be done about this.
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i would guess that the child does it on purpose, i.e. once she realized that the vomit comes, she lets it out since she knows that your wife reacts badly to it.
i would let her do it and it should stop soon
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"i would be making her clean it up. she's 3 years old after all, perfectly capable of helping to clean it up."
I am shocked to hear this from an early years educator! What harsh and disrespectful advice. The child needs support not pinitive reactions that send a message of hatred as opposed to unconditional love.
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Speaking to yourchild, acknowlledge their emotion as real, "i see u r very upset, i am here, i wont let u hurt urself, tthere, a soft space for u so u cant hurt urself. When u are ready i am here and we can talk about (the thing she is crying about). Oh u r sick, u r really upset. I am so sorry u feel like that. I am here for u" it will take time. But if mum or jeh jeh keep giving in, the poor child will never feel secure and know where the boundaries are. Boundaries are all part of supporting children with a security and sense of trust toward carers punishment and and uncaring "ignore the child" attitude will obly instill feelings of despair and insecurity. Hoe things get better!
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black pearl...
It's rather easy. You read "the happiest toddler on the block", follow up to the happiest baby on the block written by renowned child behavior expert and pediatrician Harvey Karp. He's on the money
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Z
12 yrs ago
Every kid is different, so you may need to vary the applications of the carrot [praise, extra cuddles, etc] and the stick [punishments]. My eldest had exactly 3 tantrums; my youngest went through a phase where he had more than 10 a day! One thing that nobody has mentioned that works particularly well with my youngest is to respond once with "yes, I understand that you want X" and then to ignore him from there out. It's hard to escalate a tantrum if you don't have an engaged parent to bounce things off of... and for my son, the safe timeout area was an escalation point.
As these things are easier to deal with at home than out in public, I also suggest that your wife does not take her when she goes to the market, etc. I don't know if you have a DH, but for my kids, going out on errands with mom is a priviledge. Even if you don't have a DH, maybe you can help either with the errands for a while or by being the backup parent while your wife goes out to do the errands [she'll probably really need the time outside away from your daughter during the intense period of retraining].
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Agree with Cara, there is no problem with asking a child to help clean up vomit if she is inducing it to get her way.
chykeman, talking to a hysterical child who is thowing up is a useless exercise. They are not taking in anything you are saying.
Finally fourjays has some excellent points. Handle the situation in a calm confident manner, do not lose control yourself. Also, not engaging is really important as engaging means the child will try to bargain for what they want - been there and done that - best is to hold tight and stay firm no matter what tears, shouting, yelling ect occurs. It will pass but EVERYONE must be onboard (inlcuding helpers and grandparents) and consistent. The adults in the equation being consistent is actually a gift to the child, as she won't find the world confusing, se'll just be calm and realise when mom and dad say no, it's not, no need to make yourself throw up, yell, scream, go all hysterical.
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I am shocked to hear this from an early years educator! What harsh and disrespectful advice. The child needs support not pinitive reactions that send a message of hatred as opposed to unconditional love.
I don't think asking a child to clean up their own vomit with you when they are doing it as an attention seeking ploy is an act of hatred. It is teaching them a lesson and provided it is done in a loving way, it is fine. Sure if you get out the big cane and shriek at the child and slap them about a few times - then the problem is with the parent, but I am 100% sure Cara meant the former and not the latter.
One other point. Love for your child is unconditional or should be. However, where I think you are getting confused is that tolerance for the child's behavior is CONDITIONAL on the behaviour being in alignment with what is expected of them. Disciplining a child fairly for bad behavior does not mean you do not love the child unconditionally, it probably means that you love the child more selflessly, because you are willing to risk their switching of their affections (at least for 5 minutes anyway) to someone else in order to give them the tools and behaviour that will see them fit in normally to society. People who spoil their children and never say no to them, do it for themselves (so they can always be the child's hero, the good guy, get the adrenaline rush from being sanat everyday and giving the child loads of things) rather than the child. The child alwasy suffers in thsi scenario, may be not immediately but over the long term.
my two cents.
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Agree with cara and lagrue. As a parent, you don't have to say yes to prove to the child you love them. Actually for most parents, saying "no" to our child is not easy. But with a 3-1/2 yr old child, and especially one who, by the sounds of it, is "well-versed in "working the system", if you want to turn the situation around, you will need more drastic action.
For one, make sure you are not afraid to say "no" to the child. And when you do, stick to it. (Even if they try to get you to change the decision - e.g. whether it involves not allowing them to do something, or removing a privilege etc, DO NOT BACKTRACK!) You must stick to your decision. Whatever they do (whether they cry, scream or - more deviously - immediately change their behavior), make sure you address it immediately with a consequence and then stick with whatever consequence you have decided (whether it is to go back home immediately, or removing the toy for the day, etc.) You will find that the child may fight you immediately, but it will get easier over time.
There's a great book called "How to Unspoil Your Child Fast", which is a great read and addresses a lot of the spoiling issues that parents today have, when it comes to disciplining our child.
Good luck!
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My mother used to say, "Cry some more, I can't hear you."
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OK , i don't say you must follow this advice cause nobody believe in that any more , but heaven forbid if i ever would have tried this my wonderfull loving parents would have given me a decent hiding right there in front of everybody . I'm soooo happy i grew up in those good old days with a very deserved hiding every now and then , 50 years old now and absolutely nothing wrong with me , ......anyway , those days are gone..... sick world nowadays if you ask me ......i thank my parents for every hiding i got , made a better person of me ...and i deserved every one i got !!!!!!!!
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