Posted by
LostInHK2
12 yrs ago
Hi everyone, my move to HK has become a nightmare. We've been here only several months, and I'm about to lose my family.
It's a long story, but I'll try and keep it as brief as possible while not leaving anything important out. If anyone has any suggestions for how I can sort this out, I'd like to know, as I'm completely lost at the moment.
A year ago, my wife, daughter and I were happily living in Australia. We both had great, well paid jobs. Then my wife was offered a senior role in HK with the company she'd been working for, for a number of years. Excitedly, we grabbed what we saw as an opportunity of a lifetime, a life changing moment for our family. Indeed.
I agreed to support her in this opportunity. The planned move was to be late December, so that my wife could start her new role in January. In the leadup, she travelled frequently to HK, and I looked after our one year old (now two year old) daughter while working full time. At the end of last year, we sold everything - which wasn't much, just household stuff – and moved our family to HK.
Fast forward to two weeks ago. I still haven't been able to secure a job here, although I've been studying Mandarin, which I believe will make me more employable. I'm at about HSK4 level now, and have been studying a full time load from home, with one-on-one tutoring from a mainland Chinese teacher. This keeps me at home for our daughter, although our DH is the one that generally looks after my daughter during the day while I study and apply for jobs.
Two weeks ago, I found out that my wife has been having an affair with a married colleague of hers for at least a few months. Shattered. Absolutely gutted. When I confronted her with the evidence I found (emails), she admitted everything, and now says she wants a divorce. I had no reason to suspect that anything like this was on the cards. Things had slowed down in our marriage, but with careers, baby, the move to HK, I didn't think we were in such bad shape. I thought we had a happy family. The reality is that she'd started an affair with someone only a few months after we moved our family to another country.
I don't know if I can forgive her, so I'm agreeing that we should divorce. I'm hoping for the sake of our family that she'll snap out of it, beg for forgiveness and then we proceed to counselling, but I don't think that's very likely.
So where to from here? I have no job, no money, my wife isn't going to want to leave her job and return to Australia – that's for sure. I will not accept a situation that has me living in a different country to my daughter, so I need to get some kind of employment (I'll be less picky now I guess). I need to get my own visa. And I am happy to stay here anyway – I love HK.
I don't know what to do. I have no money for a lawyer. I can't kick my wife out, as I can't afford the rent. I am the primary caregiver for my daughter as my wife is out of the house from 5am to 7pm and she travels a lot for work (she's overseas for probably 20% of the time). She could argue that it's our DH who does most of the day to day stuff though. If I were to leave, I'm sure they'd manage, so I don't know if I would be granted custody.
If you have any advice, or heard of a similar story, I'd like to know your thoughts on my situation.
Thanks for reading my long story...
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read this forum for divorce advice (usually to women but i think the exactly the same applies for you in reverse). free lawyer advice can be had from some places, you have money (it's your joint family money), etc
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Do you have family in Australia? In your shoes, I would be flying home, today, with my daughter, as you are both Australian Ctizens, and see if you can temporarily stay with family while sorting through how you will run your lives, not as a family unit, but with separate lives and shared parenting. It sounds unlikely that the Hong Kong life is practical any longer,... And the notion that your wife's job here is somehow more important than anything else may no longer be the case if the family unit is no longer intact. The reality is she will have to decide where her priorities lie, job? Lover? Or her child? Go home. It's where your best support will be. Your best odds for finding employment, and your best odds for a fair arrangement of custody with your daughter. You can apply through CSA for child support payments immediately if you lodge that you are separated. As the main income earner she must pay you support and its likely to be substantial enough that you can look after your daughter in Australia, even without a job
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Going back with your daughter to live with family sounds like a good idea. Just be careful that somehow you do not trip any kidnapping laws in HK or Australia.
Also I don't understand how you have no money - I'm pretty sure legally you own half of all family assets.
Your wife was probably cheating long ago - seems unlikely she just started up with this coworker so shortly after moving here. Be a man, have self respect and get rid of her.
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Sorry to hear this. I would email her asking her if you can go back to see your family with your daughter for a few weeks. Get her consent on email etc. Then go from there. HK favours the wife massively in HK eventhough it is a blame system and you have been wronged. Divorce in Australia much fairer and you can always come back to HK. If you want to keep seeing your daughter as you have been or as close to it, I would start with the above. Then email your wife and tell her you are staying in Australia after being back for a couple of weeks and go from there. She has the means to travel to see your daughter, you do not if you are forced to leave HK. Unfortunately she holds all the cards being the mother, VISA holder and bread winner. You have to think for yourself while weighing up whats best for your daughter, given she is very young it should be minimal to her if you move back now and work through things. PM me if you want to discuss further.
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go the wife's office and kick up a stink with the adulterer and do all in your power to get your wife fired, that way you will both be on a equal footing, out of a job. HK is a small palce, so do not underestimate the power of gossip and innuendo
you will both then need to go back to Australia where you can then call on family and fight for divorce and child custody
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never did I intimate that he should bring the child along to witness the tirade
the family is finished, its now about securing the best deal one can for the aggreived party not for the perpertrator
back in Australia, the family can provide moral support if not financial, and he can always look for work to support the child
hell hath no fury like a woman scorned but in this day and age of equality and feminism, men should demand and exact the same, no ?
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Remmy
12 yrs ago
What about getting to know the other guy and having a 3 way type relationship. Not for everyone, but for some people it works great!
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Thank you everyone for your replies. I've only just started the thought process, so I have to do a lot of research and more thinking.
Thanks Malka for the links - I'll have a look in a bit.
Despite how satisfying it may be, I'm not going to beat up the other guy. He lives in Australia anyway - the affair was happening on business trips. No, he can have my soon to be ex-wife - they deserve each other. I can't imagine going back with her unless I see the most genuine remorseful display of begging, pleading and crying. But I don't think that's likely to happen. It wasn't a mistake, it was a series of calculated decisions coupled with deceit.
Anyway.
My thoughts at the moment are to do a HK divorce, which has the added benefit of me being able to name adultery as the reason for divorce. I'm sure this will come in handy with custody and the financial aspects.
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I'd engage a good lawyer before you agree to file in HK. Different country different laws, don't make assumptions on what will happen. And don't count on a forum for that level of legal advice.
I'd strongly consider taking your daughter back to Australia, getting a job and remaking your life.
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LostInHK2, I'm sorry I can't offer useful help but I do wish you all the very best in this nightmare scenario. I'd also like to say that your superb response to the post from whoever that troll-twat 'Remmy' is shows you're absolutely no pushover and you can and will get through this.
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To LostInHK2,
Firstly, I am sorry to hear what has happened to your family and your life.
Listening to your story sounds like a reading a page from my own history.
I moved here from London in 2000 aiming to support my wife who was offered a fantastic job.
By 2005 I was in exactly the position that you now describe.
I spent 2 years, full time, defending my childrens rights of access to their father in court in order to gain joint custody of my 2 children. I did it myself because I did not qualify for legal aid and I could not afford a lawyer, I am a layman.
Regarding your situation, get as much as possible in writing. Your wife may say one thing now but change her stance once the battle gets going. Get as many of her confesions as possible in emails, letters, text messages and such. Document them chronologicaly and suppliment this with a diary of your own explaining in detail your involvement as the major care-giver. I even made a daily blog photographing my time with my kids which I later presented in court to good affect.
If you both are adimant that your relationship is irreconsilable and if you want to be a present father to your child then I am sorry but you are probably about to enter a long and arduos part of your life. But don't give up. Do your homework on your kids rights and be diligent with your documentation. You will need it.
PM me if you like?
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go back to australia with your daughter, stay with your family or friend, get a job then fight or not for child custody, divorce etc... you need first to have a source of income. staying in HKG will weaken you, no job, visa will expire soon, no income etc... and it will depress you. get back your normal condition first, ie. job and money and in your territory.
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For the time being let your daughter live with the wife, since she is earning money and she has a home, a maid etc.
Go back to Australia and start rebuilding your life again.
Try to keep good terms with the wife for the sake of the daughter, since I guess you still want to be involved in your daughter's life?
Who knows your wife's office romance may not last long since the other guy is also married?
Good luck.
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sorry to hear this dude. how messed up your situation may sound, I would still propose a normal discussion with your wife, where you both as "parents" decide on a proper decision centered around the child.
Don't give the child (dont know how old!) put into a potential trauma, that might lead to behaviour problems in the future.
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I f someone steals your wife , the best revenge is ;;let him keep her .....!!!!
There is life after divorce , but whatever you do try to do the best for the child , they do take a knock but it can be minimalised only if you 2 (or rather 3 taking the other man into account ) can work things out .....good luck , it hurts but always heals with time ...even for the better sometimes
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Or you can stay in Hong Kong, apply for Legal Aid, and claim interim maintenance from your wife until you you get yourself a job and can support yourself, and then work out custody and access for your child. If you were a woman in the same position, the husband would be expected to pay for you; likewise for you.
You said your wife came here to accept a senior position, so I assume she can afford to support you as she has been doing so since you've arrived here. As you haven't found employment yet I assume you're here on a dependant visa, so try to find yourself a job as you haven't got the same constraints as people on employment visas.
I absolutely agree with tieniefraser, there is life after divorce, but make sure you look after your child's best interests rather than trying to get back at your wife. Good luck.
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Malka, he goes to Legal Aid and tells them he wants to apply for legal aid so he can institute divorce proceedings. This of course will be means tested so depending on the net worth of his assets, they will assess whether he's eligible or not for legal aid. If he's eligible, they will assign him a solicitor to act for him or he can nominate a solicitor to represent him. He can then issue the divorce proceedings, either on grounds of unreasonable behaviour on his wife's part, or adultery on his wife's part.
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Malka, yes, absolutely. If they can come to some sort of agreement and make a joint application to the court, that would save time and money and heartache for all concerned.
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Some points based on my personal opinion:
To stay you need to find a secure job with reasonable salary in a company with ability to hire you with work visa. The Immigration will not allow you to stay on dependant visa if decree nisi is granted. You could apply for judicial separation first, but prolonging the process that already in HK tends to be long, complex and taxing both mentally and financially would just be bound to make it worse.
Mandarin skills are not likely to help. At least that is the impression the employers want to give when negotiating about salary. They can always hire locals or Chinese with perfect skills, and with a difficult language as Mandarin, you are never likely to come close to the level of proper business writing and grasp the cultural aspects of negotiation in Chinese. Having some Mandarin skills is of course positive, but concentrate on your other strengths. This will be your major challenge, so you should concentrate full time in your job search, unless you are willing to become a full-time stay-at-home-dad to care for your child, or return to Australia (which might just make it so much easier for the divorce, job search and rent level).
You cannot return to Australia with your child without a permission from Family Court now that you have settled in here with your family with the intent to live here longer term. That was obvious when you sold all back home. You would be kidnapping your child and boomerang back to HK being the bad guy at that point.
Try to negotiate with your wife for a settlement and reasonable arrangements. Or try to counseling if she is willing and see if you could work it out. Every couple faces some problems, divorce tends not to be an easy solution, and the likelihood that she will ride into a happy future with the married colleague is fairly low.
Financially it may get you slightly better settlement/order in HK based on that your wife cheated. For the custody and care issue it is not likely to make any real difference. If possible, try to handle the divorce yourself, unless you think that at the end of the day you afford the legal fees. By going to Legal Aid Dept you will need to additionally wait for them for over half an year, after which you explain your case to a disinterested lawyer (a job comparable to handling it yourself), after which the lawyer takes his sweet time serving cash paying customers first and you face even more delay. During this time the legal bill keeps adding up for every catch-up meeting. From any ancillary relief you gain, you will need to pay all legal fees. Being on Legal Aid you lawyer does not even bother to disclose his fees or the amount of the pending bill to you during the process. Find out the range of common hourly fees for lawyers in HK and do some math to see if that is what you would be willing to pay (out of the possible nest egg that could provide security to your child and you).
You will not be able to care for the kid without a household helper while you work. It is unlikely that you find a job that would accommodate for daycare arrangements for the kid either (and I assume that is not within a choice you or your wife would consider, as she can afford a helper). There is a helper at the home now, and unless it is your wife that moves out, it will be difficult for you to gain the care of the child, though it is to your benefit that you spend more time caring for the child lately than your wife. Shared custody is the common way to go, unless there is some reason why the custody could not be shared.
You have only been here for a short time, and the life of a single parent in HK would be very tough and even staying here working and having visitation to your kid may not give you the life quality you wish to have. My recommendation is that your best shot is to apply for divorce, custody and care of the kid and a removal permit to return to Australia with the kid ASAP. The longer you wait, the more it is considered the status quo that the child remains here. Try not moving out from home without your daughter, unless ordered to do so (in that case utilize all possible access to her). If you can afford enough space (with your salary or maintenance or combination of both) it might be possible to work out a 50/50 living arrangement during the legal process. Not sure if the helper can follow the child for such arrangement, probably not though (the Immigration rules state that should work in one location for one family, if I remember right). Apply for maintenance till you find a job. Prepare for a fight of at least 1.5 years, probably longer, unless you can come to an agreement with your wife.
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Thank you everyone for the discussion above. And sorry it's taken so long to get back - I was banned for a week for a comment I made in reply to Remmy's obscene remark.
Here's what has happened in the meantime.
I have applied to legal aid, and as linnalin say's above, this is going to be a slow process.
I'm not liking the idea of a mediated outcome if I can hammer her. She after all is the one that wrecked our family after all the support I gave her. I can't help but feel that my rights would be walked all over as soon as I enter a mediation.
I want her to face a divorce for adultery. Even if I have to make the case myself. And I may have to depending on how long legal aid would take.
I have another question.
I would like to file as soon as possible. How much information do I need to put into the forms - or does the detail come later? I guess what I'm asking is - can I start the process by filing some forms, and engage a lawyer when an income or legal aid kick in?
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You can download the forms from the judiciary website (forms>family court), or just walk in at the Family Court floor M2 in Wan Chai (next to the Immigration building) to get the forms and make enquiries.
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If you feel some urgency, that is where you should consider the mediation, for various reasons.
Even when you go to court the judge is likely to adjourn the case to explore mediation, which will cause delay of around three months if you have not tried it out voluntarily.
There is no reason why in mediation your rights would be walked over. Your wife may even be welcoming a reasonable settlement at the moment to avoid embarrassment and uncertainty. A divorce can be processed fast if the parties agree on the terms.
And the court 'hammering' your wife by court here is something not that likely. The court randomly chooses to ignore abuse and criminal behaviour far more serious than a common case of adultery when processing divorce here. They are likely to view you as 'bitter' and just as much at fault as your wife. Your life will be on hold for years. Instead you could concentrate on your daughter and your own future, if the marriage has no chance of working out.
You can 'hammer' her by becoming happier than she is by moving on instead of being stuck in the same rut two years later.
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Linnalin,
You are of course absolutely right about mediation vs fighting.
What about filing as a pre-emptive measure, followed by mediation? I do stand to lose a lot in bargaining power if she just files under 'unreasonable behaviour'. That leaves me fighting those accusations rather than being on the front foot with the actual reason that we are now talking divorce.
She has removed our daughter's passport and birth certificate from the house which makes me think that she's hatching something.
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Yes, I would definitely still file for divorce, but book the mediation at the same time to avoid delay in what will be lengthy process unless the mediation works. I think you can well initiate the process yourself by handing in the Petition (Behaviour) (Form 2) and Statement as to Arrangement for Children. Probably you can take time to fill in the financial form later (and start drafting it now, as it takes more time to prepare).
If you intend to apply for care and custody and see it possible to return to Australia with the kids, file to apply for that at the same time with a separate application. Otherwise that will be another process of additional 1.5 years, will chance of success diminishing.
In meantime you can apply that your wife cannot remove the kid from the country without your approval, just for peace of mind. Australia has signed the Hague Convention, so I would not worry too much.
Even if she files under 'unreasonable behaviour' you can still do the same for your part.
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Thanks Linnalin. I'm really appreciating your advice here.
Is there a free service that would help me with wording the petition and the Arrangement for Children form?
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The forms are pretty straight forward. Lots of yes/no questions. Many people seem to tick the boxes at the Family Court office in 15 min. I would suggest to keep it simple. You will be able to add and amend later. You probably feel stressed out now, but the forms are not difficult to fill in.
The arrangement for children form requires you to shortly in a few words state where the kid lives now and who is caring for the kid, how much you estimate are the kids expenses (you will need to analyse this more on the financial form, and can later amend the figure based on those calculations) and who is paying now, and if you or the mother have moved out what is the visitation arrangement, and any schooling arrangements. In the second part you need to say if you suggest the kid to live with mother/you or 50/50 (and it probably is useful to mention there, if you wish to leave the country to return home with/without the kid), what you estimate the kids living costs to be and how you suggest it to be covered, what you suggest the visitation schedule and arrangements to be for the parent you see should be the absent parent, and if you have any opinion or arrangements made for kid's future schooling (incl kindergarten / pre-school). Be sure to mention you cared for the toddler when your wife was frequently travelling.
If you need interim maintenance from your wife to support your living now, you will need to file a formal application for it, attached with the supporting affirmation.
You can try The Free Legal Advice Scheme to view through your forms or advice you in a 20 min appointment, but the waiting time is a month. I have not heard comments that would credit them to be worth the wait (there is no free lunch, but they will be sure to pass their card to you).
The real work starts after the direction hearing when you file the financial forms, social investigation report will be drafted by a social worker and you will file a detailed affirmation explaining the history and your stance. For the affirmation it will be useful to receive legal help to make sure you get all necessary details in and better to follow the established legal format to make it easy to read.
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You're right, I am a bit stressed about it, so thanks for clarifying for me. I feel confident enough to go ahead and do it now.
I'm in two minds as to do it in the next week or so, or in two months. The reason for a two month wait is that my wife has a heavy travelling schedule (she'll be away half the time over the next two months), which would probably improve my standing in terms of the custody decision. If I go ahead and do it now, she may cancel some or all of the travel. It's manipulative, but hey.
I guess I just have to weigh up whether or not I think my wife will file in the meantime.
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Crap. I've just been down to the Family Law office, and they wouldn't allow me to fill in an "Adultery" petition without the help of a lawyer.
That only leaves me with Unacceptable Behaviour. But the problem is, I thought she was a saint until I found out she's been having an affair. I can't think of any UB's except for the fact that she's been having an affair, which is kind of a dealbreaker for me.
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I think you really need proper legal help. I assume your wife is getting legal help - you could really regret it if you don't. Don't you have family that can help?
Can, must and should you file for divorce in HK? (such a short time period, does it really give HK jurisdiction or will you waste all this time to find out you can't file?)
Have you decided on custody? Have you thought about what you would agree with your wife? Have you made any steps to confirm what she wants? What if both of you don't want or both want the child? Maybe you are happy to share custody - how can that work in HK, you without a visa.
My two cents: you are losing all the time, you will lose more if you think of revenge. Lawyers are going to try and take all your money - get used to that, and try and find one of the few honest competent ones around and get this sorted before the money runs out. That said, getting divorced in a foreign location - I think you are mad. For example: once divorced you have no right to stay, without a job.
I would get real legal advice, not from a forum like this. First though, I would read every book in the Main Library at back of Causeway Bay, rather than guessing what the law is. But I personally would pay a lawyer for an hour or two meeting to understand - someone who just does this kind of work, understands the oz connection, understands the issues with children (ie not being paid to learn on the job). There are specialists. clic.org.hk might be helpful.
Get your mind straight, sort this out, get on with your life. I would think divorce back in oz makes sense.
Can I say, your idea to learn Mandarin is naïve and a likely a complete waste of time (apart from meeting friends to bitch to), sorry to be harsh.
Get to a counselor ASAP too, I assume you need some help with this as well (can you get free help or under her medical insurance - you need to find out).
This costs tens of thousands of dollars I thought, not the kind of thing you should do yourself - anyway, I wouldn't. You have a child. Mess this up and you could affect this relationship in a legal way. Really not a DIY job.
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Anyone has the right to file without a lawyer. Sounds strange that they would not let you file.
BTW, I find it strange that you were able to even file the legal aid application without having filed for divorce if you are still living in the same apartment with your wife. If not separated or applied for divorce, they should take into account family income and assets, including your wife's resources, so the application would be turned down.
As hkxxxpat mentions, your priority must be to find a job, otherwise you cannot secure a visa status when you divorce. Mandarin lessons do not help.
But my guess is that you just cannot leave and apply for divorce back home either, if you wish to apply for the care of the child. You can leave alone, and would probably get shared custody and reasonable access order. When you arrived in HK with intention to stay you established that HK has jurisdiction over the child's matters and you cannot leave with the child without your wife's consent.
HK is a nasty place to divorce, if one cannot reach an agreement and use the simplified procedures.
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or take your children home on a 'visit'...and don't return.
regarding your wife....if you can't stomach the thought a a three-some relationship...ditch her ...you'll recover in time,
don't be rash..but be effective. its easier to deal from a position of control....get control of all you can first...then unleash 'reality' on her.
clearly you love her by your words....ok....I love rocky road ice cream...but I wont share it with another mans.....'spoon'...
decide what you want to do..and plan for it...and do it....don't consider her feelings...they are transient...and so is she.
Stop worrying about hk....get home with your child..then sort this out...your not in a power position here...
there's your reality.
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copy
12 yrs ago
Dear Sir, I'd go back home tomorrow morning with my daughter and not tell the wife leave a note followed by email and tell your wife my brothers sick meet you soon. If you have not been served with legal papers get out of this jurisdiction soonest and she'll have to handle it back home. And ask your relatives for advise if you have any/ not on frickin public forum.
Stay cool for the kid.
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Australia has signed the Hague Convention, the kid will be returned to HK if you take the kid out without your wife's consent. Then you would also deal with kidnapping charge, and it would affect your position for custody and visitation, and the legal costs of your wife's complaint would fall on you.
You chose to move to HK, so you will have to deal with the issue here. But as long as you do not have a decent job you cannot make arrangements for your future here (home, living costs and visa, at least for the duration of the legal process). You can apply for interim maintenance from your wife, but need to file for divorce first. And that does not solve the problem that your wife will not sponsor your visa after decree nisi is granted, the latest, so you will have to find a job. In fact, if your wife wants to be nasty, she can cancel the sponsorship possibly anytime, and you will lose your visa.
Your employer will need to explain to the immigration what in your skill set justifies for hiring a foreigner. Applying for work visa takes time and effort too.
How long is your dependant visa valid for at the moment? Do you have professional skills and experience you can offer to an employer here?
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Kasoy
12 yrs ago
I would suggest:
1) Firstly you sort your own emotions and when he affair doesn't affect you emotionally you can treat her like she is...a slut and then it wont bother you.
2) Tell her to sleep in the spare room or if she refuses you move to the spare room and as she is out of the house most of the day you wont see her so you can start to build a life of your own with her financing it.
3) Hopefully you have joint accounts so you should systematically and slowly help yourself to what's in them. If she makes a fuss just remind her that its just as much yours as hers. And what can she do....nothing because its your money too!
4) As life may be a bit difficult in the evenings, go out and enjoy yourself. There should be funds available to have a good time and she is hardly in a position to do anything.
5) I would not get divorced....As long as you have your emotions in place, you can take your time to set yourself up financially and eventually she will be forced to take the action herself, but in the meantime, you will have enjoyed what HK has to offer.
6) If she moves out then just stay put because the rent is probably being paid by the company and you wont be thrown out.
6) Give lots of attention to the child and use the time to create a loving bond between you.
7) Finally, don't agree to any of her suggestions as they will be geared to her advantage.... You don't have to disagree either, just do whats good for YOU and in a few years time you will be talking about the great time you had in HK.
Good Luck!
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Australia has signed the Hague Convention, the kid will be returned to HK if you take the kid out without your wife's consent. linnalin
--------------------------------
Nope. One parent can take a child out....if there is no custody agreement and we are talking about a man and woman with a child... How is a legal custodial parent charged with kidnapping?
...if that were the case...if you take your child to disney land and your spouse disagrees....then could they call the police and have you arrested? ...see...its kind of...well.....dumb even by HK standards.
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designmr, disneyland is a bit different than taking a child across national borders
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As long as the other custodial parent disagrees, and the travel exceeds say one month or the whereabouts of the child are not known, all she has to do is to file a complaint, and the resulting custody dispute will be heard at the country where the child last had established residence (in this case HK, too late to regret that now). Australia would return the child to HK, and the parent might have more of an uphill battle for the custody having been labeled a kidnapper. That is not though decisive for who will win the custody eventually.
The law maybe dumb in your personal opinion (as long as your own child has not been kidnapped), but in many cases it is necessary to ensure the children's welfare or at least to make it clear to all parties which is the venue to hear the custody dispute. Can you imagine what the situation would be like if there were no international agreements in place regarding such essential matter?
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Sorry to sound trite but the best revenge is to live well. Stop thinking about hammering the ex and start thinking about rebuilding your life, with your daughter in it.
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Someone here may be right. Go to her office, that's right, it might not be the best thing to do but since she was clearly incapable of showing you respect, then go there and show everyone what she has done to your family. They might fire her for being so indecent.
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HK is a good place to get divorced if you have less assets and earnings power than the other partner. I was on the losing end of this ( my ex also cheated, and than took a lot of money and retirement assets).
Go after all of her money, property and retirement assets, etc. You'll have a take no prisoners attitude. Study up on HK's divorce law and meet some lawyers. Go for one that is the meanest, nastiest out there. (contact me if you want some suggestions).
It is war now. As the male provider you will may have a hard time doing this - but you'll feel much better after it is over. Treat her like the enemy.
Deal with a show of strength and don't give in. Treat her like the bitch she is. Think of her as someone to take financial advantage of.
Try to keep your daughter out of it. Try not to drink too much. Find a very pretty and younger woman and have fun.
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My advice is take a while to think about what you are doing and what you are going to do. Get yourself free from emotion, anger, haste, drink, etc etc before doing anything.
If you go charging into her office or interfere with her life she may well use that against you in hearing any custodian disputes of your daughter. Do not make it easy for the other side. Divorces are not meant to be quick and easy especially when a child is involved.
You may want to reserve some rights and these are best done with or through a lawyer. If you two cannot agree then the courts will decide in favour of the person best able to look after the child. Remember neither of you have any rights to the child that would overreach the child’s own rights so don’t go fighting for your rights either – fight for the rights of your child and those rights include a positive and active interaction with your spouse – however unpalatable it seems.
As for going after the world from your spouse, better to be reasonable from the start and stay with it, take time to plan what you need (not want) and work with it. Be sure to consider the future needs of yourself, your spouse and your daughter – be balanced.
You two may not be able to live together but for the child’s sake don’t carry any anger beyond your decri nisi. I have listed a few rights of your child – suggest you spend a bit of time on them and seeing how best you can provide and secure them for her along with a stable environment with suitable accommodation and education BEFORE you go charging into her office or the court. Also remember your spouse will be looking to have her say in the child’s future too – you must show yourself to be better prepared and able.
1. Your daughter has the right to develop and maintain an independent relationship with each parent.
2. Your daughter has the right to be free of conflict between the parents.
3. Your daughter, as she gets older, has the right to be free from having to take over the parental responsibility for making custody and visitation decisions.
4. Your daughter has the right to be free from having to take sides with, defend, or downgrade either parent.
5. Your daughter has the right to be guided, taught, supervised, disciplined, and nurtured by each parent, without interference from the other parent.
6. Your daughter has the right to be financially supported by both parents, regardless of how much time each parent spends with the child.
7. Your daughter has the right to know both parents, and to spend time with both parents on a regular basis, for holidays, and for vacation periods, regardless of payment of child support.
8. Your daughter has the right to be physically safe and adequately supervised when in the care of each parent.
9. Your daughter has the right to be protected from people under the influence of alcohol or illegal drugs.
10. Each child has the right to a stable, consistent, and responsible child care arrangement when not supervised by the parents.
11. Your daughter has the right to develop and maintain meaningful relationships with other significant adults, (i.e., grandparents, stepparents, and other relatives) as long as these relationships do not interfere with or replace the child's primary relationship with the child's parents.
12. Your daughter has the right to expect that both parents will follow through with the child's educational and residential plan, honoring specific commitments for scheduled time with the child.
13. Your daughter has the right to both parents being informed about medical, dental, educational, extracurricular, and legal matters concerning the child, unless such disclosure would prove harmful to the child.
14. Your daughter has the right to participate in age-appropriate activities so long as these activities do not significantly impair the relationship between the child and either parent.
Whatever happens you and your spouse have made choices that enable you both to move on and recover from a bad relationship - dont let your daughter suffer as a result.
Good luck
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@ Mikemcsf: would appreciate if you could pm me the contact number of the lawyers.
By chance I got a neighbour here who is facing almost similar situation. He's a househusband with 3 young kids. They came to HK because wife had been offered a fantastic job here in HK. One year down the road, the lady now dumbs him for her boss. She has also started removing money from their joint account. Such a terrible situation. Can't understand why such an intelligent lady can be so coldhearted and cheap. I feel very sorry for the dude. Hope I could help him with the contact number of the lawyers.
Thanks much.
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you are in the right spot.. you have no job no money.. HK is the place for u to divorce.. you visa wont expire till you actually get divorce.. you need to agree on your divorce domiciliation as you have been here less than 3 years. If you daughter is scholarised here even better. I would suggest you go see haldanes or Hampton Winter and Glynn.. not sure the procedure for legal aid you are intitled to but am sure they can help you. enjoy your life as unemployed parent you will get allowance and lump sum money. keep doing what u r doing and look after your daughter as she is the most important right now.
good luck
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I am not sure what your dsicpline is, but finding a job in Hk is never really a problem. Dude Hk is Men's haven when is comes to find a woman so I think whats prioritised for you now is financial independence and your daughter,trust me you will be happy in not time. If you can secure custody of your daughter- for which I fear the worse- the rest will play out fine. How about a teaching job, thats on high demand here plus the pay will do considering your current situation. I hope this helps.
You will be fine!
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coty
12 yrs ago
One reason for divorces among expat couples is that there are many smart and and successful people in HK, not always of good relationship material but many of the new expats really come unprepared.
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ceml
11 yrs ago
LostInHK2, if you're still in the process, email me. I have just gone through the process after finding my children and I found the ex with a woman in our flat, and then again with another woman when he went a few weeks earlier than me on a holiday back to our own country. That was last year.
I know the process. I have been there. I have just filed a summons against my ex after finding out that he did not file to finalize the divorce after telling the court that his solicitor will 'finish the divorce'. What was supposed to be a 'no contest divorce', if without hitch - can be finalized within 3-4 months, I am now on 18 months.
I have no representation as I am not working. Been through mediation, done with Legal Aid application - denied as my 'assets were over the maximum set for an individual'.
I have just finished with the hearing this morning and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. The divorce will be finalized in 2-3 weeks' time...unless my twat of an ex finds a way to derail it again.
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