Posted by
kk11
12 yrs ago
Dear all, l really appreciate your honest advice. First, my big respect to all mothers and fathers. After a few years of marriage we are now considering making a family. Truthfully lve never had a big desire to have children, although l do like them and once a month recently get a deep hormonal urge and am drawn to babies. As now in my 30s pretty much all my friends have children and they are always pushing me to do it saying its 'amazing'. The thing is though, lm not sure lm buying it... since having babies they all seem to have forgotten about who they were before, have lost their freedom (and free time) and kind of dispise their husbands (who they previously adored). It is really sad to see friends like this...yet all saying how 'amazing' children are and that you should do it too?! It seems to have been kind of a trade for everything they had before. I cannot find one example of a woman happier post kids (with her husband and life) than before?
I love my husband so deeply. We laugh together, sleep in, travel, hatch fun plans, work out, spoil our pets, have our careers, get dressed up and go for dinners etc. I am so scared this all has to stop when having children? As l cant talk openly to my friends (they are in full mummy mode) l googled and found dozens of sites like these that make motherhood sound like a jail sentance that no one admits to.
http://childfreedom.blogspot.hk/2011/08/why-do-women-lie-about-motherhood.html?m=1
So l would like to honestly know, is it possible to still have your old peaceful life plus have children here in HK? Consider that in HK with full time help, maybe a nanny/night nanny we could possibly have A LOT more support than the women in that blog post. I know some people are quick to judge mothers (fathers too) that have a lot of hired help. I think that as long as there is a lot of love and disipline it is ok if balanced.
We have a lot of love to offer children but l am very scared and do not believe it is worth trading the relationship with my husband and my hard earned freedom. Is it possible to have both? If so and you have it, how did you do it? Please do share. Thank you for your kind and honest answers.
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I think Hong Kong must be one of the easiest places to raise young children as you are blessed with the helper system, if you need a breather, you have help rather than finding and scheduling it.
It is not as bad as you hear as you learn how to cope with it. You have to, as these people need your full attention. You are still yourself but, you're prioritise have changed.
Now that my children have exited the toddler years and started the preschool years, it has become more easier to balance my life and re-assess what is important in life with my husband which translates directly to family life now!
Despise husband? Yes, it wasn't like when we were single and we had really rough patches but, we got to know each other more deeply, it's a different level. Parenting let's you see a different aspect of your other half good or bad. It's a. Big change for him as well, he had your attention and now he has to divide it with other people. They could be asking you the most unimportant attention seeking at the most inappropriate time. I do loose it but, next moment, when I see him how he interacts and makes the children laugh, I just can't continue fuming.
Don't worry, don't let these ventings get to you. Motherhood can be at times a very challenging lonely occupation. We need to vent so that we don't rash it out on the children and can reset!
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Ow. And also. You need good friends and learn to let go of certain expectations!
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Ed
12 yrs ago
Seldom do you hear a parent say they regret having kids but someone recently confided exactly that to me recently...
Her advice: do not have kids just because everyone else is having kids - or because family and friends are putting pressure on you - because if you do for the wrong reasons your life can be extremely unhappy - and that can reflect on the kids.
She was deeply depressed having felt she had spent the best years of her life child rearing...
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"So l would like to honestly know, is it possible to still have your old peaceful life plus have children here in HK?"
NO!
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selda
12 yrs ago
i have no children because neither my partner nor i have felt the need to make our lives fuller. They are already pretty full and fullfilling. I do have a couple of friends whose lives didn't turn out as well as expected after they had a child. They became severely depressed. Their marriages didn't stand the test either. They were both happy, content and full of life before giving birth. Somethinh about the neediness of their babies, their sense of guilt due to a perceived inability to be as good a mother as they had hoped to be, made them flip. I must admit that seeing them spiral into depression made my partner and i pay a lot more attention to contraception :-)
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the real issue here is how one percieves life?
is pain, like happiness, an inevitable part of life or is it optional and a consequence of the choices one make?
perhaps the best way to illustrate this point more poignatly is to attempt to find an answer to the perenniel question of who, between man and woman, are able to suffer more pain in life
this question has been subject to endless debate between males and females with both sides claiming victory with vivid descriptions of personal experience
simply put, women claim child birth as their "titre de gloire" while men, being men, tend to equate a kick in the nuts as their's
the problem with such examples is that neither side can ever be expected to replicate and experience the other side's claim and therefore the claims continue
so, who is right?
well, perhaps an alternative approach to an experiential solution is required when attempting to answer this question, so here are my thoughts on the matter
it seems to me rather obvious that men clearly are the winners in this debate, why?
simple, I ahve come across many a woman who, a year after giving birth, will look forward to having another child
but I have never come across a man who looks forward to another kick in the nuts no matter how long time has elapsed!
so, to get back to your original question, if you expect things to remain the same you're in for a rude shock
things will change but the change may be for the better or not, that's for you and your spouse to decide!
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"...l am very scared and do not believe it is worth trading the relationship with my husband and my hard earned freedom. Is it possible to have both?..."
Based off your quote above.....
NO. You cannot get or have both. I guarantee you will feel the first twinges of stress and begin to blame your choice and in turn your kids. You aren't ready for kids. You can't have it all....something always suffers...and given your statement..it would be the kids...a cruel fate for them.
had you talked about the 'changes' in the relationship or 'developments'.....but that's not you. You have a hard earned freedom....so keep it and cross this bridge later...
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kk11
12 yrs ago
Thank you for your kind messages and honesty.
As mothers, do you have any PRACTICAL suggestions or smart methods on how you keep some space for yourself and for you and your husband to cuddle and have some quiet time together everyday? This is really important to me. Love and time for each others company is surely the reason people got married in the first place? You see so many couples totally disconnected after having a family which is very sad, and I wonder how to make this avoidable?
Ie, is it possible/ethical that a helper can greet children first thing in morning, get them washed and changed and take them for a walk to get them ready for the day. Then you can step in a do a few hours of playing, and then revert back to helper while you work (I work from home), and then switch for the afternoon etc.
I love childrens little faces and chatter, and am in AWE at mothers adoration for their babies - but is it possible to have daily peaceful times rather than a full on extreme sport style of parenting and still have happy children?
I like children and they like me, but I just cannot face 24 hours of full scale nursery action in a HK size apartment.
Thank you so much.
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24 hours full scale nursery action..........?????
hmm, that's a dead giveaway
either your cognitive processess are impaired or you don't really spend too much time on them
you see, here on earth, humans need to sleep. Babies tend to do this for at least 10 hours a day
the trick to good parenting is discipline
you need to set a routine for your child AND stick to it. Often the child has no problem with discipline, it's the parents that do
remember, for the first 12 years of the child's life, you call the shots, thereafter, it depends on how you did these first 12 years
just make sure you don't spend the first 12 months telling them to walk and talk then spend the rest of the 12 years telling them to sit down and shut up
yes, parents are a paragon of contradictions, just ask any child!
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Kk11, thinking too much about what is going to happen post birth will really notch up your anxiety level. Don't think too much! Look at how many mommies that have replied to you, if a child was taking 24hrs of your time, those venting posts you saw or these responses will not exist!
Your baby and child will guide you through what you need to do. I do agree, it's a natural reflex to wonder what is going to happen! I was so anxious when No.2 was about to arrive, once he arrived, it wasn't as bad as I anticipated, on the contrary, it was really fun as I got to appreciate more his infant stage rather than being a headless chicken.
I personally think all your questions will be answered on what sort of parenting style you want. I know that you cannot categorise parenting but, for example, if you want to do attachment parenting, it is true that you will have difficulty to carve out couple time. If you want to be a tiger mom, there goes. This, you have got to be on the same page as your husband. My husband and I never talked about it pre children but, as we dealt with everyday, we made up our own parenting style and I think our children are really happy silly souls.
You HAVE to make time if you want the lovey dovey alive. And just to let you know, my husband and I love our couple time but we love having a good laugh or making up family jokes even better. Also, it's good for the kids to see that their parents are love dovey( until teenage years, I guess). My husband and I try not to have the kids sleep with us as much as possible, we go to a restaurant once a week, we try and spend a night away from the kids once in a while, even if it is a hotel in HK.
As of the space issue, i think you adjust. Unless you have twins, you start out from one addition, then, earliest, a year later. Unless you're kicking in a 4000sqft house, the presence is there. Yes, sometimes, there is this time that I really must need to be alone before I loose it completely, the answer is the bathroom. I lock myself in the bathroom for 5 minutes and don't answer anyone and it resets me. I can really understand why men cherish their solitude in the bathroom.
Helpers, it's a really difficult one to say as each household has it's own reasons and it's not for other moms to say right or wrong. Don't worry, once things start, you will figure it out.
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Listen to yourself, and stop looking for 'social confirmation' on anything. No one here has to live with your decision except you and your husband. Get a puppy...if you can't handle that...get a cat...if thats too much....Don't get a child...
That your asking these questions in this forum...your lost and not even close to making such commitment. But you will in the end do what you wish...and when you get pregnate, don't forget to immediately register for schools!!! yeah...it is a long waiting list..
Your seem to be decision making based on emotion....btw...what's the husband say?
...I'm not a mother...I'm a dad...but I had the honor of raising my girls for many years, balancing work and diapers...so don't discount the value of your sperm donor...
just sayin..
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I had a full life and didn't feel like I needed anything to çomplete' it. Had the nesting urge as the original poster did. Went ahead and had the baby.
YES it's been really tough.
Do I miss my old life? yes I do!
do I get mad at husband : yes I do!
Does my child drive my up the fecking wall? yes he does!!
Have I become incredibly boring and obsess about my child: YES!! :-((
but do I regret having a child: no I don't.
It is a total lifestyle change. A different stage.. with different
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iwilltry is absolutely spot on when she says a parent's love is unconditional. It's hard for those with children to explain to those without children what the experience means
just remember to love them to bits from birth to about 10-15 years old depending on whether they are male or female, because from that age on for the next 10 years or so you'll want to throttle them, and wished you'd used contraception
After that things settle down a bit and you'll both start to appreciate the enormity of what you both have done - one having brought and nurtured life into this world and the other looking into the future and contemplating whether to embark on the same journey
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""I like children and they like me, but I just cannot face 24 hours of full scale nursery action in a HK size apartment."
Made me laugh.
It's great that you are very informed about the demands a child makes on your time. I didn't really give it a thought.
And yes, Ed is right, some women suffer from debilitating post partum depression: some are never quite able to recover.
Good luck whichever decision you make and stick with. Like all things in life, there's pros and cons.
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there's no better place to have kids than hk or sg if you want to continue having the possibility to sleep late, have free time, etc
i have two very small kids and thanks to our helpers I have slept late pretty much every Saturday/Sunday - the same as i did before and something that i did not want to miss.
my view is that even though you might have kids, here in hong kong you can almost lead the life you want. the only thing you need to fight is the (misplaced) judgment from other parents who somehow feel that they have solved parenthood for us all
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bmurv
12 yrs ago
Hi kk11,
Having children and raising a family is a journey. It offers different experience at different stage of the journey.
From 0- 12, it is always a lot of work for parents since we have to do quite a bit for them. But it is extremely rewarding and we experienced joy on a daily basis. At this age, they are into pleasing parents, at least from our experience.
From 12 on, it is a very different experience. I think this is where parents grow and mature as adults. Kids at this age are no longer into pleasing parents, they are exploring, developing, and finding themselves. They struggle on a daily basis to learn who they are as individuals while living in a highly peer-pressured environment. Teenage years are very tough on kids and taxing on parents. These are also the years where the relationship between parents and children grow closer or farther apart. It is challenging to parents, rewards are more infrequent, but when they come, they are of a bigger magnitude. I believe I learn a lot more about life and myself in this stage than when my kids were younger.
Being a parent is not for everyone. I have seen people who are perfectly happy without being parents ever. I told my teenage kids that they should not get married and be parents just because that is what most people do. They should only do it when is right for them and their circumstances in life.
In my case, I would have missed a big dimension in my life if I had chosen not to be a parent.
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I second bmurv's post that it is Journey although we have only done 1/3 of it! I have never learnt more about myself and my husband in the post children time then ever, sometimes it's a pain to get to know the true you but, children give you motivation to change.
And, I do think it is a choice as well, I have to give kudos to the OP thinking of the responsibility of having a child.
One thing though, If I say this, everyone on the planet must think that we are really irresponsible parents. As, my husband and I started a family because we thought it was a cute idea. Little did we know that you DO NOT get to sleep in after a night out, despite all the warnings that we got from our parenting friends.
It was a shock to us that a person still has energy to play and scream and be awake even if she did not sleep at all. Who survives without sleep? Retrospectively, it was nature's way of telling us what it means responsibility to give us a very difficult infant, but, the difficulty made us love her so much. ( BTW we had intervention from paid training service by a mom who saw how zombied we were as we did not have a helper, one good thing about HK, that you get solutions!)
This change of life never stopped us to have No.2 . You really learn to love them so much. You really leann patience, you really learn what understanidng is, you really learn that some of the important things to you was just your own preference. we thought, unconditional love, of course, we can do it, but, our children really taught us what it really means and I am sure we are still in training.
You have to have ur husband in this. I really thought it was so cool of designmgr to post from the "sperm donor's" point of view. Don't worry about if you can love the child or not, they will let you know. But, from a child's point of you, they really need both parents in the same boat.
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this is what it will be like ............
https://youtu.be/uFQfylQ2Jgg?si=bLcqBGcMDqev1F9a
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Hah! Had a really good laugh!
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kk11, because you asked the question, i don't think you should have a baby. i know at least 2 close friends who always know they don't want to have any child and they live very happily and both have dogs.
this is the one thing which is quite black and white. if you want to have a baby, you won't doubt it and won't ask question.
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How does your husband feel?
He may agree to NOT having kids now, but may change his mind later ?
For him, it is OK but for a woman in her 30s, then you face a harder journey to get pregnant.
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