Posted by
Babette
21 yrs ago
I have done lots of searches, and gotten lots of information on this subject, but SORRY, I still have questions on the Domestic Helper subject...
In addition to a lunch break, our helper likes to take about an hour in the middle of the day (when my children get home from school!) to take a shower, etc. Her normal schedule is to work from 6:45am to around 7 or 7:30pm, with these and other small breaks. At around 7 or 7:30 in the evening, after she cleans up the dinner dishes, etc., she just takes off without a word, for her room, or to go on a "walk," (often she talks to the night guard). This happens whether or not my husband is here and I am alone taking care of the two children. Is this a "typical" schedule? I think she likes to take her shower after she does her morning cleaning, but for me, it would be more convenient for her to get ready in the morning when no one is here, or in the evening, after dinner.
Am I being taken advantage of???
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I agree with cara. You have to be very clear with them with your instructions and expectations. Dont assume that they should understand and stuff like that. Each family has different rules and expectations.
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cd
21 yrs ago
My helper starts work around 7.15, has a shower and stuff about 9. She used to have her lunch from 12.30 - 2, but seems to have made it a bit shorter lately. Normally stops work about 4.30 until she washes up our dinner things at 6.30 - 7. Then goes to her room every evening or to a neighbours. She does longer hours sometimes if we go out.I don't really mind, but it annoys me when I hear from neighbours that all her friends tell her how overworked she is and that she should complain. They just see the 5 kids and don't take into account how much I do (childcare -obviuosly, shopping, cooking, and most of the washing.)
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Todge
21 yrs ago
You set the schedule, not her. Don't be mean, but tell her that you expect her to take her breaks etc at times that are practical and convenient to you.
She is an employee, and unless you have it stated in the contract that after 7pm she has free time, she should come to check that you don't need anything before she knocks off. Some nights she could go, but others you would want her to stay and help - give her time off later to compensate if you want to.
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Well, you are correct that technically she is available for 11 hours of the day, but I would say she is probably actually working 7 hours/day. We do give her the whole weekend off though, plus some Friday evenings too, so we would like to see her give us a little more effort on occasion when we might need it. You are also probably correct that I should be more clear/specific because she tends to virtually ignore us when she's cleaning. She usually does a simple dinner when I ask her to, but I'm just surprised that she doesn't try to help more with the children, e.g. offer them an after school snack, offer to help at bed-time, etc. especially when my husband is not here(Iwould do that for a boss/friend/relative, wouldn't you?) She's never ever read a story to either of them, or asked them about school. I have told her that one of the main reasons we hired her was because we thought she would be great with the kids-we couldn't have been more wrong! I don't work-except in the kids' classes and I do cleaning chores at home too.
Maybe the thing is that as a stay at home Mom, I have high expectations (?) because I had been doing everything from paying bills, to gardening, laundry, shopping, cleaning, childcare, errands--and doing it better than she can! I've only asked her to take over housework, most laundry, and some cooking-that's it! No babysitting yet because she doesn't have much rapport with the kids.
She's been with us around 10 weeks, and the distracted behavior she displayed in the beginning (locked herself out of the house a few times) hasn't really improved much.
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Thanks Todge,
I'm just not used to being assertive in that way!
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Babette
I have the same problem as yours - I compare myself with my helper - I am a working mum but I do all the work at weekends and holidays and I can do a much better job than my helper. I am more thorough and more organized. It is wrong to compare but we are human beings after all. But again - CLEAR INSTRUCTIONS is very important to maintain a good relationship between you and your helper. I am still learning the technique myself. And most of of the time, your husband wont notice the problem that you have with your helper. But i think you are really super that you can manage 5 kids!
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Thanks Mighty-
I'm not the one with 5 kids, though!!! Only a couple! And too old and tired to have anymore-he he. Ok-I will try to be more clear. But what can I do to get her to be more "into" her job and more nurturing and maternal toward our kids? Is it possible for her to change?
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Father of the House,
ALl I can say is you must not have children, and hopefully you don't plan to. If families just wanted a cleaning person, they would just hire a cleaning person. Have you read any of the references for Amahs and domestic helpers? If you have children, whether you work or not, you need the person that is in your house to be nurturing, caring, and maternal toward your children. Sorry, but you are wrong wrong wrong.
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P.S. the same is true for nannies and babysitters that is true for helpers
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And what does FFS stand for? FYI?
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lovely. I'm done with this website.
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To FOTH
I always follow your replies because you always give out calm and informative replies. But this 'FFS' - are you sure you wanted to say that? Or just a slip of your tongue. You owe Babette an apology, definitely. Only cowards use foul languages. I know you have been here for a long time and you know you can beat Chinese for use of foul languages. You name it. You 'might' be right in your attitude towards employing a helper, but no need to be so rude to people. Show us you are a man who knows how to apologize.
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To Babette
People attitude do change but not their personalities, i think. Give her more time (3 months) though.
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mel
21 yrs ago
To FOTH,
That was rude, I remember when I did interview for an amahs before they say how much they love children and how they will look after my kids like their own, they say anything to get a job. We all agree it is mothers that nurture. But if the amah's know that caring for a child is part of their duties than they should take the initiative to give the best they can to the child. Don't you give your best at work or don't you believe in giving at all only to judge.
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cd
21 yrs ago
In some respects FOTH is right, I don't want my helper to act as a surrogate parent to my kids. For her to like them and be responsible if she's babysitting is enough. But as I've told each of our 3 helpers we've had, the children are our responsibilty (yes all 5), she is primarily there to clean the house, do the ironing etc. They've never bathed the kids and I wouldn't want them to, except our disabled son a couple of times, or takes them to bed(unless babysitting, even then its usually the older ones that take the younger ones), or taken them out. I understand that a lot of women work here, and I'm lucky that I haven't had to since I had my eldest, but I find it quite sad when I see little toddlers out with their helper. Foth could have been a bit more polite though.
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cd
no need to defense FOTH at all. He is strong enough to take it. ...a bit more polite... YOU are very polite. He is, we call it, RUDE.
I agree that we are the parents and the responsibility is entirely ours. But I dont think Babette meant that.
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A Mum
21 yrs ago
At the end of the day, your DH is an employee. She can leave whenever she wants, because it is a job, no matter how much she *loves* your children, she will go for whatever reasons. But I think what all mums want is to see their helpers show affection towards their children.
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FOTH
You were one of those I regarded as knowledgeable and sensible person. I cannot believe that you just wanted to get out of an apology by saying you are 'direct'. English is my fourth languague, but still I understand what is meant by direct and what is meant by rude.
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Babette I have had the same experience that you are having, feeling as you feel now. Without starting a big forum uproar let me just say it boils down to this- You must be comfortable in your own home and if you are not comfortable with this helper then find a new one. I will leave it at that for now. Many people are lucky and match with a helper to their liking and never look back. Many are not it happens! I now have a test that gives me a pretty good idea of whether or not we will get on. I ask them to prepare a box of Kraft macaroni and cheese. It seems if they can figure that out we get along fine. I have ended up doing the cooking before and that at least gets solved. I also know if they are able to FOLLOW simple instructions.
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Thank you Mighty and Sweets for your kind and thoughtful responses.
I felt so insulted by FOTH (it was better when I thought he was saying FYI!) that I decided I would no longer participate at Asiaexpat. This last post is simply to try to better explain what I was trying to say. The good that has come of this is that I now feel quite certain of my gut feelings. Our DH is not a terrible person, but she is not good with kids. Period. And we want the person who is in our home to be good with kids. She is also not that great at any aspect of her job, and I have many friends who have helpers that are-and were even after 2 months.
I think Cara is partly correct that it is important to be clear with your employee, but although I am not terribly assertive, I am an excellent judge of character. If I am truly honest with myself, I know that our helper does take advantage of certain situations because she knows I am "nice." I won't waste your time with examples, but trust me! It is not simply a question of her being afraid to take initiative, because her overall style is to get things done as quickly as possible, even if that leaves things not done well (or broken!) and to get out of here. Of course I have never charged her for any of the damaged items, and there have been about $2,000 of broken or damaged items over these 10 weeks, but I have asked her to slow down. We have also had an issue with her taking without asking small items such as toiletries, stationery, wrapping paper, and borrowing things from my kids and then we have found them damaged later. Does this sound like someone who is afraid to do anything without asking?
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Dear Babette
Judging from what you said here, your helper doesnt sound right for you. She might be a 'nice person' but is not a helper. I also notice most of them tend to do things 'quickly' or taking short cuts. May be they dont have enough time to do things properly, but I wld say most of the cases, is their personality of not been able to do things properly. I wont blame them because we are all human beings afterall.
Please ignore FOTH. He only has a part time helper at home so what on earth could he judge you and said rude things to you. I am sure he is reading every reply in this thread but he is just too coward to say an apology properly. What is shame. I WAS one of his admirers because I think he does understand Hong Kong - I mean its goods and bads - and he always gives out sensible replies.
Have a nice day, Babette.
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For the record, I appreciated your apology. Plus, I realized that a man might have a different take on this subject, especially if he really was just looking at the DH as a cleaning person. In our case, we are talking about a someone in her early 20's who lives with us, and has told me she would love to find a husband and get out of this asap.
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Calmez-vous. There's no show. But you could probably find her in Wan Chai with her friends.
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Gaffer:
Oh-right...that show! Sorry, I assumed you were being lascivious.
Cara,
Good luck to you; your life is about to change immensely!
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Rules, that's the go! Forgive FOH. He obviously thought he was on the Women's only section which is more fruity! As for your helper. Just set the rules and stick to them. If she is getting out on weekends, friday nights and over night, then she knows that she is in a very small minority and is certainly better off than being back home. My mate hired a domestic to look after his dog. Single guy, no kids no pressure and she's good but she took off and left the dog all night until 4:30 the next day instead of returning in the morning. She now knows that if it happens again she won't have a job and it won't happen again.
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ML,
You are not a very careful reader, my dear. I said she ACTUALLY works about 7 hours/day, with weekends and evenings off, and that I do ALL THE CHILD CARE and many household chores. She only cooks about 3 or 4 meals(Dinner) a week. I do all the shopping,breakfasts, lunches, taking children to school or activities, volunteering, grocery shopping, errands, much cleaning, handwashing, etc. Did you not notice that I said I have never left the children with her? I hate to ruin your picture of me sitting around; but she sits more and has MUCH more time off than I do. Evidently, I have really touched a nerve here. In a nutshell: our biggest concern is that she is just going through the motions and doesn't really like her job or children that well. Yes, this is understandable, but on the other hand, there are dedicated helpers that love children.
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Also, ML,
I should add that I have been a single Mom, and it was hard because my children were even younger-that is one reason I am sensitive to Mothers and children needing help and nurturing when their spouse is not there!
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Things are not always as they may appear. Remember that people often have problems you may not know about.
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Don't get sidetracked Babette. You'll go nuts trying to argue any sense in to some of the posters! If you can't fix it and you need a new maid, contact me and I will ask my Filipina friend who runs an agency to help you out.
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cd
21 yrs ago
To Babette, my helper sounds very much like yours...maybe they're related.
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ML, as far as I know my girlfriend isn't screwing anyone else but me:) Seriously, it may be true for some agencies but in this case she set up her cousin with a great job through her agency. You do not want to be dealing with the Immigration Department unless you have hours of spare time which I don't think Babette has.
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But lambada, do we (employers) need to deal with the ID? I have 4 helpers so far and every time was them who had to go to the ID, not myself. All we did was to fill up the green set and other forms, and one time I wrote a letter as well. But that's it.
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mymy
21 yrs ago
I agree with Mighty. DH usually know their immigration stuff inside out. Otherwise, they will get there friend / relative to help them out.
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