How to make sure live-in Ayi gets chance to rest?

Our Ayi is going through a spot of difficulty, and we are encouraging her to stay with us for a month or two while it gets resolved. The kids really love her; she really loves them; she is wonderful in most ways, but seems to have a hard time relaxing.


Last night, she stayed over for the first time, and popped out of bed at the first peep from either of the children [we normally wait a bit to see if they can resolve it themselves, but our 3yo has just started school, and in the last week, I think one of us has gone in twice to help her calm down and go back to sleep; the 1yo is recently weaned, and Papa might on average pop in once a week to give him a pat if he is having a hard time settling back down, but he does give us a couple of shout-outs most nights and then settles right back down without any other intervention]. Then, this morning at 6:30 she was up trying to get breakfast for the kids; she kept the little one and prepped for lunch while I was taking the older one to school and then took him out to play, all before her normal work time.


Obviously this isn't sustainable, and it isn't even desirable [although I have really enjoyed the unexpected hour of free time this morning]. I get that she wants to make sure that we feel like she appreciates us letting her stay, but this is too much! I speak pretty good mandarin, but certain concepts are beyond my ability to communicate [esp in places where the cultural gulf is broad].


Complicating the dynamic is the fact that she is an extreme extrovert while I am much more introverted. I chose her in part because I knew that that extroversion was going to be good for the kids [I seriously have to remind myself to keep up the running patter that helps them learn language]. This morning I half really appreciated the extra set of hands, and half wanted to stick a sock in her mouth while we were getting the kids fed and dressed. They are normally willing to hang out on the kitchen floor and play while one parent is making breakfast, but to her Chinese mind the kitchen floor is impossibly cold and unsuitable.... etc.


I guess there are two issues -- one is that I needed a safe place to vent a bit, but the real issue is that I need some advice on how to kindly tell her to chill out [not a strength of hers to begin with] and not wear herself down, that we are happy to have her stay with us, that we don't want to take advantage of her situation, but would be happier if she was also getting a chance to rest. I don't want to lock her in her room during non working hours but my experience with her in the past has been that it is very hard for her to let me do anything if she is not busy herself [which I think is partly a cultural gulf].


I know, we should all have such problems.... ;)

really dont understand why you are bothered. she is helping you during off-hours, you told her and she still does it. so she is happy doing it.


let her judge her 'wearing out capability' herself.


in hk such working hours are standard practice (not saying anything about legality, etc.)

I know from previous experience that she is not a very good judge of her own wearing out capability, and that when she is feeling nervous she has a tendency to ramp up her intensity level, and so I am trying to help her bring things down to a sustainable level. Both for her sake [it is really common for live in helpers to be on the job 24/7/365 in HK?] and for the good of our family dynamic [and yes, she is included as 'family'].


Will be sure to mention the need for peace and quiet in the early am tomorrow, that shouldn't be a problem, and thanks cara, I'll phrase it just that way. I'm just the sort of person who is terribly abrupt on the spot, and so I usually need a bit of time to correctly frame my responses [because "can't you please shut the blazes up and back off for two minutes" is just not constructive]. Especially since I know that she thinks of herself as a very soft-spoken and quiet person. Except when she gets riled up, and then she is a lioness.


Unfortunately right now she is riled up in her outside life and it is taking a toll on her ability to chill. I can always tell when she is going through a bit of a rough patch b/c dinner takes on a gourmet quality, the kids wear 5 or 6 outfits in a single day, and I find her doing something like washing the outsides of the windows perched on the inside windowsill.

just an update --


Things are working out okay so far -- she makes sure that we get a chance to all get a peaceful start in the morning, and only surfaces after the kids are already eating their breakfast [after 7am]. She basically told me that so many things in her life suck right now, and when she is with the kids she can forget about that, so I am turning them over to her a bit more, but then she makes sure to lay off working a bit early, and has promised no special projects.