Help with jealousy and the new baby

I have a six year old and we've just had another baby.


It's been hell in the last few months with my six year old. She loves her sister but she is extremely jealous. I feel very guilty.


I used to give my six year old a lot of attention. Eg. She used to sleep with me a few nights a week when her dad was in China. Now that I'm breastfeeding, I can no longer sleep with my six year old. It is dangerous to have my six year old in bed with us.


She's been so awful to live with. She sleeps on the floor at dinner time, takes ages to finish her dinner, smacks her little sister (sometimes she's overly affectionate), refuses to do the things we ask of her (brush her teeth, shower, do her homework etc).


I work and when I come home, I have to rush to feed my baby because she doesn't take a bottle. She gets spoonfed very little in the daytime. I try to leave aside 10 minutes each night to read to my six year old, tuck her in bed (when baby's asleep) and have dinner with us but none of these seem enough. I'm tired from breastfeeding all night (baby makes up her feeds at night) and having to deal with my six year old. Husband is also always away in China.


I've had endless conversations with my six year old and I shower her with gifts as well but none's working. I guess none can replace the attention a mother gives to her kids.


I feel guilty that I've had to neglect her to meet my baby's feeding needs.. but what do I do to make things better? Every night I'm just exhausted. My helper leaves us alone because she says my eldest does not listen to her so I'm on my own.


I fear that if things go on like this, my 6 year old will lose confidence or feel insecure.


If there are any words of wisdom to share, I'd be grateful.


Thanks.

I fear you will not want to hear this.


"I feel very guilty."

There's you problem. She notices you feel guilty and feeds on it.


"I've had endless conversations with my six year old and I shower her with gifts as well but none's working. "

Do NOT give her gifts if she misbehaves. She will come to expect it. It will do nothing to change her behaviour if you use gifts as compensation


"My helper leaves us alone because she says my eldest does not listen to her so I'm on my own."

You and your helper and your husband need to have a serious meeting and hash out a strategy. Be consistent and tough.


"I fear that if things go on like this, my 6 year old will lose confidence or feel insecure."

Eventually maybe. But right now it sounds as if she is securely ruining your life. She needs to learn that her behaviour is unacceptable.



There are ways to turn this around. Have a serious talk with your daughter and say that she has to start acting like an adult. Tell her there will be no more gifts until she earns them. Then ensure you reward only good behaviour (picking up after herself, tidying up the table after dinner). If she refuses to do what she should, simply walk away. No one in the house should give her attention then. She fears being ignored so that is the perfect punishment. If she smacks her sister, give her one warning, then next time send her in a time out until she apologizes. Violence is never acceptable.


Use an egg timer for dinner and remove it after 20 minutes if she is not finished. She may well cry and rant but just tell her that she knew it would happen and next time she should try harder. No fruit or dessert if she doesn't finish (most of) her main course.


Give her clear objectives (tidy up, brush teeth, eat up) so that she knows what is expected of her. Praise her when she does well.


Don't dwell on things she did wrong. Move on and tell her to as well.


The first few weeks will be hell but believe me, things will get better. You need to be strong.



One more thing: Ensure that you do spend some quality time with your 6-year old. Take her out shopping or for lunch for a few hours every Saturday maybe. Just you and her. She needs to feel special too.

Agree with the above posts except the comment that "Have a serious talk with your daughter and say that she has to start acting like an adult". She is 6 years old. Not an adult!

Make her feel like the grown up big sister that she is.


All she wants is some time with her Mum. Involve her when you're feeding, changing, bathing the baby. It will make her feel important. Get her to read a story to the baby, or sing a good night song.


And on top of that, spend some alone time with her once or twice a week.

She's misbehaving because she wants your attention. Simple as that.

""Have a serious talk with your daughter and say that she has to start acting like an adult". She is 6 years old. Not an adult! "


Oops! "Like a big girl" would be more appropriate of course.

Very very good advice from axptguy, couldn't possibly agree more!


While I agree that you should definitely NOT reward her for bad behaviour, I would suggest that you may want to pay more attention to good or "almost good behavior".


When you catch her doing something right (or even almost right in the beginning), give her extra attention or a little treat as encouragement. She is probably feeling quite vulnerable and unsure of the home situation right now, and positive actions speak as loudly as negative ones.

I would involve the helper a little bit more... my baby also does not like bottles. The first thing I do when I get home is nurse her. She loves nursing to sleep but on some days, I ask my helper to help rock her to sleep and I get to spend time with my 5 year old. Baby does not like it, obviously and she will cry. She does stop crying after a while. I know some people frown on rocking and may think that it is mean to thrust a little baby into the helper's hands but I do need to spend "quality" time with my older kid.


As for your 6 year old not eating on her own/not brushing her teeth and so on, it may not be due to baby's arrival. It could just be a phase that she is going through. I have had a friend whose kid is a good eater and overnight, turned into a scary picky "monster".

I, myself, just had a new baby in the home and my daughter is 2.5 years old which is a lot easier to handle than a six year old. she was jealous at first, but now, (2 months) she's coming around and seems to have accepted her baby brother into the family.


some things i did:

1. praise her over dramatically everytime she does something nice for the baby.

2. like others have mentioned, take her out for special time just the two of us. i am a stay-at-home mom and she also had ALL of my attention for the first 2.5 years of her life, so having a little one around is a big change for her.

3. keeping her routines the same. things i did for her before, i still do for. eg. putting her bed, give her a bath.

4. letting the helper take care of the baby as much as possible. other than feeding times, i try to spend as much time with the older one as possible, and let the helper put the baby to nap and change him. (when she started to feel more comfortable with the baby), i gradually did more caring for the baby in front of her and allowed her to help and explained things to her and again PRAISE!.

5. ignoring negative behaviour or comments towards the baby.


Good luck.


what shouldn't change at all are rules and expectations for her. things should be as they was before. just because i have guilt for not having as much time for her as before shouldn't mean i should cut slack with her discipline.

I fully agree with the previous posts. One doctor I had put it so well - every time you pay attention to bad behavior - it is like handing the child $50. Every bit of attention is a reward for behavior good or bad.


You say as you come in the door, you have to immediately breast feed your baby. Make this time the best part of your eldest child's day, not the worst. If she feels that you used to run in from work and straight to her and that has been taken away - give it back to her. You can read books, hug and talk to her while you breast feed. Make that time just about you and her and the baby.