7 year old out of control since baby sister was born

I remember asking for help with my eldest daughter who is quite jealous of her baby sister. I tried all the suggestions but it doesn't seem to be working so here I am again :-(


I am a lot stricter now compared to the first time I asked for help.. and have resorted to yelling as well (I know this is wrong but I can't help it at times) but I really don't know what else to do.


When she gets into trouble with us, she will purposely push her little sister or hit her. She's very rough with her baby sister. I would expect her to be more sensible at the age of 7 but she isn't.


When we put her baby sister to sleep, she purposely tries to make a lot of noise to wake her up. She'll even jump inside the cot!


She's rude to the helper so the helper ignores her now and my husband's always in China.


I work and I'm so exhausted trying to do everything.


Mealtimes are a battle as well. She will switch on the tv while eating. I tell her not to but she will ignore this if her sister wakes up and I have to go into the room to breastfeed. It doesn't help when her dad also switches on the tv to watch the news when he comes back. If I take an hour to put her sister to sleep, she'll take an hour to finish her meal. She's also loud on purpose so it takes me a lot longer to put her sister to bed.


Our helper prepares her school lunch and snack. Sometimes these aren't as healthy as I would have liked but the helper says she won't eat anything else. When she comes home from school,helper will buy her cakes etc because she's so hungry.


I feel terribly guilty because I'm always taking care of her baby sister after work and I don't have as much time with my eldest daughter like I used to. I'm not sure if this is the reason she's been impossible? She enjoys reading with me or playing her Barbie dolls with me. I use this as a reward and I can get her to co-operate at times with this.. although there are times when I literally have to force myself to carry out this promise because I'm just too exhausted.


I breastfeed all night so I don't sleep well, bub wakes up at 5am and I struggle to keep awake at 8pm to spend time with my eldest daughter. What do other mothers do?


I will go crazy if this goes on. Help please :-(

You poor dear.

The first thing you want to do is triage. What is most important to you? Let the rest of it slide for now.


It also sounds like your helper is not only not helping but is actively undermining you. Start with her - make a clear list of what she is supposed to be doing [don't be afraid to be specific about nutritional requirements for lunch and snacks] and what she is not allowed to do [cakes etc everyday after school], and where she is allowed to use her discretion. Her job depends on this. It is a huge pain in the neck to change helpers, but having one undermining you is worse. Your daughter will eat if she is hungry, but she won't be hungry if she is full of cake.


If your daughter is typically hungry after school, have your helper provide a nutritious snack that includes some protein -- fruit and nuts or cheese perhaps? It is not okay for the helper to be ignoring her. You will need to do your part in correcting your child's behavior each and every time she is rude to the helper in your presence [my kids are a bit younger still, but what works for us is to tell them that they first need to say sorry and then repeat in a more polite fashion -- I often need to put the exact words in the mouth of my 3yo, but his elder sister knows the drill]; if this hasn't been consistently enforced in your household, it will be an uphill battle, but you are smarter and more persistent than a 7yo.


If your house is like mine, you become MO-O-O-OM!! before you even have one foot in the door. Is there a garden in your compound or a park nearby where you can pause for 5-10 min on your way home from work and have a few deep breaths and become yourself again/recharge a tiny bit? Even better if you could come home and have a 10 min rest before diving into the deep end, but if you could do that, you probably wouldn't be feeling this ragged.


Zero tolerance for pushing or hitting the baby. However, start looking for the ways/places you can demonstrate to your daughter that the baby is not a threat to her. Some kids are motivated by carrots [my daughter -- after we tidy up the living room, you can watch one Dora], while other kids are motivated by sticks [my son -- I am taking your trains away because you threw that engine at you sister]: figure out what motivates your daughter. Give her some for free -- read one chapter before you go to put the baby to bed -- and then make her cooperate for the rest -- and then once sissy falls asleep we can read again until it is time for your bath [if she cooperates and is quiet, there will be lots of time; if she is noisy, there won't be time until tomorrow. There will be days that the baby is fussy even if she is cooperating; in this instance you will just have to suck it up and praise your daughter for being so cooperative, then say that since sissy was such a pill tonight, she gets to stay up an extra 10 minutes so that the two of you can read].


We are a TV rarely kind of family and one of the things that helps us achieve this is that the TV is hidden off in the extra room [we've got a combo home office/guestroom/TV room]. You will probably want to talk to your husband about finding a consensus on TV watching during meals -- if this is not something that he is willing to do without, it may be one of the places you want to let slide. Kids imitate the behavior that their beloved adults model. Do as we say not as we do is just not a fight worth having.


Sorry for being so long-winded. Good luck and hang on.

You poor thing, sounds exhausting!


Obviously the 7-year-old is jealous.


Apart from breastfeeding, is it possible to let your helper handle the baby more? This way, you can focus more attention on your older daughter.


Also, my oldest is only 3 so I don't know what 7-year-olds are like, but can't you explain to your older daughter how you enjoy playing with her but sometimes you need to be with baby?


Do you make your older daughter your priority and focus when you first walk in from work? Or do you go to the baby first?


Can you ask big sister to help out with some things?


Do you use a reward chart to reward her for - playing nicely with baby, being quiet when baby is sleeping, etc etc?


I have problems with my three-year-old as well but obviously she's a lot easier to manage because she's much younger than your 7 year old. One thing I tell her is - always be gentle with people smaller than you. I didn't want to tell her, be gentle with your baby sister, in case she got jealous. So I just tell her to be kind and nice to all small kids/babies.


Whenever my daughter hits the baby because the baby is annoying her - such as taking toys or knocking things over - I tell my daughter not to hit, but to ask mummy to "please take baby away". And when she does this, I tell her 'sorry that baby was getting in her way, and thanks for telling me'.


In other words, if my daughter is jealous for some reason - rather than have a tantrum or hit the baby, I try to give her another solution to stop the problem - such as asking me to play with her, or take the baby away etc etc.


Good luck - maybe when the baby is asleep, can someone take your daughter outside to play?

Hi Gemma, it sounds like you're a little stressed by the situation at home with an elder child who doesn't listen and is showing pretty normal jealousy and a helper who undermines your authority and practices. I'm a mum of two boys, a former IB EYFS preschool teacher and nanny to titled families (Baron and Baroness in Germany and Lord and Lady in Ireland) before that. If you need ome extra help, please call. I've not offered professional services before but if you would like to hire me to regulate and re-wire your domestic situation a little at home, it's an area in which I could be very helpful. Think of it as your own personal 'Super-nanny' service. I agree with the former posters that your helper is undermining your efforts and your elder child is taking advantage of the weaknesses in the power hierarchy but all this can be changed. PM me if you are interested. All the best...