Is my wife planning to leave me when she gets a permanent residence permit?




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Posted by Badnews 6 yrs ago
My wife has been in Norway for a little over a year. She doesn’t speak English so we use the Google translator (for what it’s worth.) She received a telephone from Martha, a Chinese teacher and nurse who has been in Norway since 1972. We visit Martha 2-3 times a month. My wife and I have had some problems in our relationship, partly due to the language barrier. We often use Martha as an interpreter and Martha has given us advice on some marital problems! In fact Martha persuaded my wife to cancel an appointment I had made with the Family counseling office with an interpreter and use her instead! Martha said that the Family counseling office could not be trusted to keep matters confidential!

I don’t speak much Chinese but I heard the name of a nearby amusement park several times. The phone was given to me. Martha says she has some tickets to the amusement park. The plan is that my wife and some other Chinese persons shall accompany her to the amusement park on Sunday 19:08.12. She did not plan that I should come along. No point that I accompany if I do not do anything there (go on rides). Moreover, they will go around and speak Chinese. Martha asks if this is ok. I said its ok I don’t mind. (Well, what else could i say?) I give the phone back to my wife. The conversation ends in a good tone with an agreement to go to the amusement park next Sunday.

I wrote the following in the Google translator: I do not think Martha likes that I always accompany you. One time Martha suggested to me that you should take the bus and train to her home instead of me driving you there and accompanying you. She said taking the bus would help you learn Norwegian!


My wife became immediately enraged and began to write down on a paper what was on the Google translator. I asked her what she was doing. She refused to answer. I wrote that she must have totally misunderstood. She goes over to the telephone with the transcript and shall call Martha. I wrote that she should reconsider. She puts down the phone and crosses out the transcript. I wrote the following:

"I have absolutely nothing against you participating! I have no plans for Sunday.

I think it would be good for you to go. I think it is ok for you to be together with other people without me present.

If you decide not to go I do not want to hear in the future that I refused you! I do not want to hear in the future that it was my fault you did not go. I am not a bad person."

My wife then said she will not go because of the sun. (She does not like too much sun) I say she can take an umbrella and that I think she should go.


The next morning we went to her doctor to remove the blood pressure meter she has had for 24 hours. I asked her to pay the 200 kroner doctor bill.

The reason I asked her to pay is this. She asked me to drive to her doctor to obtain certification in English that she has diabetes Type 2. She believes this will help her pension issue with employers – Peoples Bank of China. The certificate cost me 250 and 2 trips to her doctor. I do not believe this document will have any impact whatsoever on her pension issue. Consequently it is a waste of (MY) time and money. Also, bickering about her desire to buy a mobile telephone for 6000 +, desire to spend money (15000) to bring her son to Norway for less than 2 weeks. She has worked in a kindergarten and received money. I pay for nearly everything. She has over 40.000 kroner in her account and can afford 200 for her own doctor!

When we got home from the doctor she was furious and went to the computer and wrote an email to Martha. Her computer is right next to mine. She seemed very angry while she wrote. After she sent the mail I asked her several questions, if she was writing about the amusement park and if she was writing anything about me. She refused to answer. Eventually she said she wrote to Martha to inform that she was not going to the amusement park because of the sun. She denied that she had written anything about me. She refused to translate the mail or send me a copy.

I spoke with Martha a few days later and she said she would forward my wife's mail if I wanted!

I ignored her offer but I found it surprising and a bit unethical that she would forward without my wife’s knowledge or permission. Martha is a teacher and a Nurse and is acting, albeit unofficially, as an interpreter and to some extent as a marriage counselor!

Instead of having the mail forwarded behind my wife’s back I wrote a letter to my wife regarding this mail and other things that I wanted Martha to translate for my wife. Martha came to our home and we talked about my letter. Martha said, in front of my wife, that she would forward my wife’s mail tomorrow! My wife said nothing in protest. I thought – soooo, Martha is actually going to forward the mail that my wife refuses to show me!? Why doesn't my wife just show it to me? Next day I received a mail from Martha but with the text of my wife’s mail pasted in the mail. I replied “Can you forward the actual mail including headers to me. This mail appears much shorter than the one I saw her write.”

Martha replied “I deleted the mail she wrote. All I have is a copy from the reply I sent her.”


Subject: Re: 你好!


陈教师:您好!谢谢你的好意!星期天的活动我还是不参加了。今天早上,我去医院继续 测量我的血糖,现在我已经想好了,没什么大不了的事,从今后,我就象头一年这样过,自己最 要紧做的事情就是学习语言。找到一份工作.

祝 好!代我向陈医生问好!


According to the Google translator: Chen teachers: Hello! Thank you for your kindness! Sunday I still do not participate in the activities. This morning, I went to the hospital to continue to measure my blood sugar, I've thought, no big deal from the future, and I like the head a year this way too, the most important thing to do is to learn the language. To find a job.

Best wishes! On behalf of Dr. Xiang Chen I say hello!


Nothing written about me at all! Problem is the above text appears to have been edited. Most of the text is the Chinese font SimSun. The period at the end of this text “找到一份工作. ” is Times New Roman! I don't know Chinese but I believe the period should be “ 。” and not “ . ”?


I wrote the following to Martha

“Martha

The mail you sent 15.09.12 was edited. All that was written about me was removed. You have involved my wife in a lie. Your unethical behavior has been harmful to our marriage and I still have not decided what to do about it. You can take that as a warning. It is my wish and hope that we never have anything to do with you ever again.”

Martha wrote a new reply stating again that she had deleted my wife’s original mail but the reply was actually a forwarding of my wife’s original mail!! I think Martha made a mistake!


陈教师:您好!谢谢你的好意!星期天的活动我还是不参加了。他表面回答你,心里是很不高兴地。他与你通完电话,就对我生气了,他说,为什么没有他的票? 说你不喜欢他。等等。。。。今天早上,我去医院继续测量我的血糖,几百块钱的费用他叫我付了。这是很明显的不高兴。现在我已经想好了,没什么大不 了的事,从今后,我就象头一年这样过,自己最要紧做的事情就是学习语言。找到一份工作。有了工作一切自己做主。

祝 好!代我向陈医生问好!

According to the Google translator: Chen teachers: Hello! Thank you for your kindness! Sunday I still do not participate in the activities. Surface, he answered you, and my heart is very unhappy. You pass the phone on me angry, he said, why did not he votes? That you do not like him. And so on. . . .This morning, I went to the hospital to continue to measure my blood sugar, the cost of a few hundred dollars, he told me to pay. This is obviously upset. Things I've thought, no big deal, from the future, and I like the head a year so too, the most important thing to do is to learn the language. To find a job. With work everything themselves.


Best wishes! On behalf of Dr. Xiang Chen I say hello!

Martha has removed all the text referring to me but I don’t understand why the following at the end of the paragraph was censored.

有了工作一切自己做主。 With work everything themselves.

,

The first part of the mail could be just a normal misunderstanding. However I do not believe my wife actually believes I had objections to her going to an amusement park with friends. It could also be an attempt to create false evidence of an abusive relationship.

The translation is bad but the last part concerns me. It seems like my wife is saying she will divorce me as soon as she learns the language and gets a permanent residence permit.

Can someone that knows Chinese tell me if my interpretation is correct?

COMMENTS

Badnews 6 yrs ago
I know my wife has diabetes and I am a have a formal education related to health care. I am nice and generous to my wife. I only provided this as background information to help in evaluating the Chinese text. I do try to learn some Chinese but it will be quite a while before I am competent to evaluate the text. I need to know if the text at the end of the mail can be interpreted such that my wife plans to leave me when she learns the language, gets a job and a permanent residence permit.

CaptDave 6 yrs ago
Let's get real -

+ You married a woman you cannot communicate with

+ You have one view of money, and she has another

+ She appears to be moody, selfish

+ You wife would rather hang out with other people than you

+ You wife is being influenced by someone who is supposed to be neutral ( the translator).


I won't say it's hopeless, but that is a very challenging situation to make work.


It seems very likely she only married you for your passport... and whatever money she can siphon out of you after the divorce. My advice is to seek legal advice.

Do you have feelings for her ?


Best of Luck


Badnews 6 yrs ago
I know about the communication problems, she is moody etc. but can you please tell me what the last part of her mail says. I am wondering why Martha has removed the following at the end of the last paragraph. 有了工作一切自己做主。

Badnews 6 yrs ago
Thank you very much. I suppose the fact that Martha removed the very last sentence would maybe indicate leaving or divorce. For some reason Martha did not want me to read that last sentence.

carrie1314 6 yrs ago
I don't understand how you two could get married when you both can't even communicate with each other!! That means she doesn't know you at all, so I doubt that the marriage is built on love?


From your post (and the simplified chinese characters) it seems that your wife is from China and it could be that she's marrying you for your $$ or passport. This is often the case with China gals and it happens in Hong Kong often. Once they get married, get their passport and a job, they divorce. Of course, it's not for ALL China girls. Many are very kind and loving.


I advise, that you be a loving husband. Action speaks louder than words. Build that marriage with love.

omohaside 6 yrs ago
Or cut and run, under cover of darkness. You're getting fleeced, mate.

Nkan 6 yrs ago
This is pure fake love fake marriage.How did you know this woman love you?

Badnews 6 yrs ago
That is very well possible however she may have been angry when she wrote the email. Things are not black and white. If I have understood correctly the Chinese text does not explicitly state that my wife has plans to leave me. Also I think Martha is a very bad influence on my wife. Martha has contrived with my wife and involved her in a lie by sending me the false edited email.

Camillahoff 6 yrs ago
I think I happen to know this Martha person. It's a small country Norway! She is rude and arrogant. It is quite serious if she is acting as a marriage counselor and conniving with your wife to cover up lies by sending you a false mail. Surly you can report her and you may even have grounds for a legal action.

Badnews 6 yrs ago
I was very disappointed to learn that Martha could behave is such an unethical and unchristian way. She often has two bibles on her dining room table. Her wall is decorated with very large embroidery of the last supper by Leonardo Da Vinci and a medium sized one in the dining room. For some reason there are appear to be only 11 disciples! The original had of course 12.

One sort of doesn’t expect people that have two bibles on their dining room table and a house full of Christian symbols to lie, cheat and behave so unethically. Perhaps Judas left the embroidery and sent me the falsified email!


CaptDave 6 yrs ago
Hah ! This is a classic behaviour of liars and cheats : put on a veneer of respectability - with acts like publicized donations to charity, making a show of religion, etc.

People who are sincere do such things quietly.

Badnews 6 yrs ago
I have at least tried to be kind and nice to Martha. But when she involves my wife in lies and deception I will not turn the other cheek. I was actually quite shocked to discover that Martha had falsified my wife’s email. So much for “Thou shalt not bear false witness..” and the very well known Jesus saying: “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” Luke 6:31.

Badnews 6 yrs ago
Thank you very much for your translation! My wife was very angry but I think she misunderstood. I really did not object to her going to the park. I think all married people have arguments sometimes but Martha has made it much worse by involving my wife in lies by sending me the false mail. Martha also removed the text at the end有了工作一切自己做主。 Could this be interpreted like she has intentions of leaving me?

Badnews 6 yrs ago
Thank you for helping me with such an accurate translation and analysis! I hope I can somehow save the relationship.

Amparo Kia 6 yrs ago
Ok, let me translate it for you


现在我已经想好了,没什么大不 了的事,从今后,我就象头一年这样过,自己最要紧做的事情就是学习语言。找到一份工作。有了工作一切自己做主。


Now i have decided, no big deal, from now on, I will live as my first year here. the most important thing for me now is to learn the language, get a job and I can decide on my own.

Badnews 6 yrs ago
Thank you Amparo Kia! If she is really saying “I will live as my first year here.” That is a possible indication that she plans to get a divorce!

Does strawblade interpret the mail in the same way?


Amparo Kia 6 yrs ago
as the Chinese saying goes, if you got to live to a hundred year-old, you sure will still hear some good stories... I don't know how your courtship and dating go and you two can eventually end up being married, amazing!!


I am totally with CapDave, and honestly, even though you eventually learn to speak Mandarin, which I doubt you can do it in a short time.. Chinese is a complicated language and for you to be able at a level where you two can have a heart-to-heart conversation, I doubt she will still be interested to have that conversation.

To me it is obviously a case of getting a husband for a way out of China. How can one love a person when you can't even relate or communicate to him.. beats me!!

Amparo Kia 6 yrs ago
I did not read other replies, I just translate it word by word, sentence by sentence, without putting in my opinions. In that way, you knew exactly what she means cause you are the one who totally understand your own situation.

Nkan 6 yrs ago
Is she already having your nationality?

Badnews 6 yrs ago
She is still Chinese. She can get a permanent residence permit after she has been here 3 years.

Badnews 6 yrs ago
My wife is taking Norwegian classes so we will eventually be able to communicate better.

I think my wife was very angry when she wrote the mail to Martha but I certainly am concerned. I am quite sure that she and Martha were in cahoots about sending me the fake mail. I found it very strange that Martha would tell me in front of my wife that she would go home and send me the mail my wife refused to let me read!

Martha got my wife to cancel an appointment I had made with the certified family counseling office. Martha said the family counseling office could not be trusted and would gossip! She suggested we use HER instead! Martha’s involving my wife in lying and deception has caused much more damage than someone we don’t care about gossiping.


songyu 6 yrs ago
Get your wife to a lawyer's office and get her understand the punishment of a fraud marriage. It's better to lose money now for a lawyer's fee if you still want to keep your wife. Otherwise, pack your little wifey and bring her back to China as soon as you can. Divorce her there in China. Then get a new Chinese wife before you return to your country. Start a new life again, who knows this time around you're lucky. Don't worry about your wife. If she's sad, tell her to go cry to her Martha. In China, majority of women will jump for any opportunity to get married with any non-PRC guy (either white, black, yellow, red, blue, ugly, fat, skinny, bald, blind, wrinkled, married, criminals etc it doesn't matter when you're not Chinese). For them, marriage is just another business deal. Those women don't have class, don't have ethics, don't have integrity or good principles in life about marriage, family, children. Those have no meanings for them. Hence your wife cancelled the appointment for a family counselling because 'family' and 'marriage' has no meaning for her.


As strawblade stated (see earlier posts): "... some Chinese ladies will leave an unhappy relationship only when they have found a financially stable alternative ..."


and also:

"For Chinese women, money is very important to them."


What a joke!!! Money is also very important for us white guys as well as other guys whatever color and size they are. We want after sales service guaranteed, including good behavior, respect, capacity to cooperate with the husband more than with a friend. We hate to be used as a meal ticket or a passport to get out of PRC, or that they can deliver babies in Hongkong and other countries for the sake of securing foreign passport for themselves and their children. Their outside behavior like capitalists while inside they still strongly hold onto commy mentality, very sneaky and intriguing.

Camillahoff 6 yrs ago
I totally agree with songyu! Could not have said it better.

As for this Martha my Chinese friend has told me quite a lot about that wretched woman. Martha is a nurse and also a teacher for Chinese immigrants. She told me about the bibles on the dining room table and how pushed Christian books and literature on her students that are not interested. Tries to convert them and is rather pushy. She if from Taiwan. It’s Interesting that she is willing to assist an immigrant in getting a residence permit under false pretenses!

So much for her Christian ethics!


Amparo Kia 6 yrs ago
Songyu, you are so hilarious... I can't help but have to laugh out loud. I have to admit, you got it almost all right.

Camillahoff 6 yrs ago
I found out a bit more about this Martha person. She is an extreme Christian. She and her husband, a doctor, were members of a local church congregation but there occurred some trouble a few years back. The Norwegian government hires her as a teacher for the obligatory 2 week course immigrants must take to learn about Norwegian society. She tries to convert students to Christianity and gives them Chinese literature about Christianity.

Badnews 6 yrs ago
Yes I thing she pushes Christian books and literature on her students. I was at a dinner at her home and she was doing that. One of the students told me told me he did not like it but took the book just to be polite. I am an atheist and that may be one of the reasons it does not give her a bad conscious conspire with my wife to lie to me.

rititt 6 yrs ago
badnews, i know it's tough for you, not knowing if she will stay or not. I beleive the only way for you is this: if you really want to keep her, find ways to attract her back to you. both of you are now in a situation is mistrust and that is not good for the relationship, if really there is any relationship at all. and so if you really don't care about her, ie, no love, just give up, it's so clear that she has been using you to better her life and she would leave if she has better opportunity.


Amparo Kia 6 yrs ago
Martha is only a catalyst that accelerate the problem, the real cause lies on the foundation of your marriage and the purpose of this union, I agreed with rititt. Work it out if you think it is worth the effort and there is still hope, otherwise cut your lose and move on. You just have to learn to be wiser next time.

Badnews 6 yrs ago
Catalyst is a well-chosen word! When my wife is around Martha she is quite a different person. Martha has quite an influence on my wife both good and bad. For example in china they leave food on the table for many days. Here in Norway we put leftovers in the refrigerator. She continued this practice in Norway even though I told her it was unwise because we could get sick. On occasion would not eat things that were left on the kitchen table for too many days. I told Martha about it and there was an immediate change! The bad influence is that she involves my wife in lying and deceitful treacherous behavior.

Badnews 6 yrs ago
There is another thing that happened that I was / am really horrified and confused about. I wonder if this is the result of some strange cultural difference I don't know about. My wife is from Guilin. She goes to Norwegian class in a village 12 km south of our home here in Norway. I drive her every day. There is another village 3.5 km to the east that has a school for foreigners but it is in another district. Sometimes these two schools have activities together. There are several Uyghur refugees. One is a doctor and is quite friendly. He has a wife and child back in China. Last spring he bought a used motorbike and came and visited my wife and I. The bike had, among other things, no lights and he did not have a license. He was unaware of Norwegian laws. We put the bike in my van and drove to his home to avoid him getting a heavy fine. He lives alone in an apartment 1.3 km north east of the village behind the hospital, 3.5 km to the east of my home. The other Uyghur refugees are not so friendly and one of the students told me that she was talking to him, the doctor, and she later heard the other Uyghurs criticizing him for talking to a woman. I believe they are Sunni Muslims.

Sunday, 02 September 2012 at approximately 10:30 my wife said she wanted to ride the bicycle to the village that is 3.5 km to the east of us and back to exercise. She has occasionally bicycled in the neighborhood. I worry a little because the bike is old and the chain sometimes comes off. Also she is not at all familiar with traffic conventions in Norway. She made a point of showing me a bottle of water she would take and a small purse she would use to carry the water bottle. I thought it was a little strange because there is a holder for a water bottle on the bike. Also it was not all that hot and 7 km on flat terrain is not all that much.


At approximately 12:00 I began to be uneasy. The village is small and like a ghost town on Sunday. All the shops are closed. Maybe the bike is punctured or damaged perhaps there has been an accident! Perhaps she is lost! She has been known to faint with strenuous exercise. I drove to the village with my motorbike but she was nowhere to be seen. I drove to the hospital. At the hospital I met her leaving the residence of the Uyghur refugee. She seemed quite embarrassed and surprised. She opened the small purse and took out the certificate from her doctor confirming that she has diabetes indicating that the purpose of her visit with the refugee was to get his help to translate the certificate. This is totally ridiculous. The certificate has only one (1) sentence in English "I confirm that this patient has the diagnosis Diabetes II" has been translated with Google translator and thoroughly explained to her by me, and two other English speaking Chinese persons. She also understands some basic English. This is obviously a pretext for contacting the refugee. If I saw her taking the certificate with her I would probably have asked her why she would take a certificate with her on a bicycle ride to exercise. This problem was solved by hiding the certificate in the purse and showing me the water bottle.

It is quite clear that my wife tried to keep her contact with this man hidden from me by the planned deception and lies. I did not want to talk too much about it or ask questions because that can just lead to the more lies. I asked her to call Martha but she was not available.

The next day, Monday, 03 September 2012, I had a meeting in Oslo at 10:00 AM. I doubted that I was back in time to drive my wife to school in the village 12 km to the south. She figured it would take her 40-45 minutes to bicycle to school that started at 12:15. She must first bicycle 3.5 km to the village to the east and then 12 km to the village to the south. We agreed that she would start to bicycle to school if I was not back at 11:15. I went to Oslo at 09:10. The meeting finished early and I was home again at. 10:55. My Wife had already left! I drove to the village to the east and met her on the EAST SIDE OF THE ROAD. She should have been on the WEST side! She claimed that she had left home 10 minutes earlier. This makes me wonder if she was visiting him again.

I wrote to Martha about this and she came and talked to us. Martha was excessively concerned with trying to convince me that the refugee was married and a very respectable person and would never get romantically involved with anybody. I found this strange because I had not expressed such a concern. My paramount concern was that my wife has again lied to me and deceived me. There is no proof of a sexual relationship but lies and deception are proven way beyond the shadow of a doubt. They wanted to explain about the visit and I said it was not necessary and I warned that out marriage will not survive very many more lies. They insisted and I was told that the visit was not planned. My wife bicycled to the village and just out of the blue for no particular reason thought of the refugee and telephoned him. This of course is another lie. The certificate, purse and water bottle prove the she had indeed planned to visit him and wanted to keep it a secret from me.

My wife is a well-known and respected person in Guilin. Is this sort of behavior accepted in that part of China? How would people in that part of China react to this kind of lying in a relationship? Can this behavior be explained by some sort of cultural difference?


Mr Bigglesworth 6 yrs ago
Leave her, mate. Seriously you've answered your own questions relating to this woman's integrity numerous times. You're being used. Plain and simple. Buy her a one way ticket and be done with the situation.


Listen to Kenny Rogers 'The Gambler' a few times. This is one hand you've got to fold.

Justin Credible (Part Deux) 6 yrs ago
Oh my word, it was painful to read all of this but the only conclusion I can come to is: you got a raw deal, buddy.


I don't know. I mean, me, I am from a multi-cultural, multi-racial background. I am partnered with someone also from a multi-cultural background...and the one good thing we have going for us other than this basic groundwork of commonality is language of communication. Even if we grew up speaking different languages we are both fluent in English.


There is no room for mistaking what it is we want to say when pissed off, happy or let down.


Your first (and really ONLY) mistake was overlooking the importance of communication when choosing someone to supposedly spend the rest of your life with.


Learn from it. Honestly, life is hard enough with the chasm of cultural differences you two have without the added barrier of google translate (which, come on, lets face it, who even counts google translate as a worthy site? Its like the current iPhone maps app!)

kittycat2 6 yrs ago
He was deceived? He married a woman who he couldn't communicate with? He deserves everything he gets. Were you friends impressed, Mr Badnews, when you introduced your young, cute, Chinese wife? Bet they were, for about ten minutes. Really, what a ridiculous thing to do.

CaptDave 6 yrs ago
It's kind of obvious now

(1) Martha is not a Christian. She is a busy-body and evildoer. She merely pretends to be deeply religious to win people's confidence. Some people watch soap operas on TV, others try to live in them in real life. That's Martha.

(2) You have nothing in common with your wife, whom you cannot communicate with.

(3) Your wife is dishonest.

(4) Your wife would rather hang out with Chinese people than you (Whether she's having an affair or not). And because she's dishonest, she prefers to lie about this than explain it to you.

(5) The wife will hang around because you are the meal ticket. One day she finds someone else, she will go.


Good Luck untangling this mess.

rititt 6 yrs ago
i don't blame the wife, she's like that, cannot change it. it's the husband, i wonder why he still can't see that and didn't or can't take any action to remedy or end it.

then i would understand how the chinese wife treats him the way she does. china is very macho world, women are inferior sex, women there don't think they are equal to men and therefore women there need a man who could control and dictate their life. if they are treated equal, they wouldn't know how to behave so they would walk all over you.

Badnews 6 yrs ago
kittycat2 my wife is 50 and I am 62. I did not marry her to impress my friends. I was introduced to her and told she was interested in immigrating to the west. So I accept the fact much of her motive to marry me was a desire to have a better life in the west, work and earn money. However I do not believe that the marriage was based entirely on that. After first staying with her in a hotel for about 3 weeks I was introduced to her mother, son, brother and sister. I moved in with her family and have spent a total of about 8 months living with her family in her large apartment in a guarded neighborhood. During that time I have been introduced to her friends, colleagues and relatives. I have been to arrangements with her relatives (Qingming Festival/ Tomb Sweeping Day) involving 50-60 of her relatives, a big dinner - 4 tables seating 10-12 persons each. I have been home to many of her friends, colleagues and relatives. 2 or 3 times a week we are dining with 8 to 10 of her acquaintances. I have been to several all-day long outings involving from 10 to over 50 persons (play cards, Mahjong, T'ai chi, karaoke, bus to nearby villages etc.) with her colleagues from the bank where she worked. During these 8 months I have met several hundred people in her social network. Would she do this if her motive was just to get a meal ticket and green card to the west? Would that be socially acceptable in China? I do not believe the marriage was a fake in the beginning.

This is what I believe was going on in August with Martha. My wife is here on a family reunification vise. She will get a permanent residence permit after 3 years. Until then he visa is renewed each year. In Norway if you are abused physically or psychologically in a relationship you can go in police and the woman’s shelter (krisesenter) and apply for a permanent residence permit. Martha has told her students about this and has helped at least one other Chinese woman that I know of to go to the woman’s shelter. My wife’s bizarre overreaction and falsely blaming me for not going to the amusement park could be an attempt to make a false case for psychological abuse. There have been some other similar episodes I haven’t written about. Previous to that I was trying to get her to agree to meet a Chinese doctor to help improve our sexual relationship. In the beginning our sexual relationship was ok. After about 6 months it started worsening. She said it would be better after she quit her job and moved to Norway with me. After moving to Norway it has just gotten considerably worse and she has become extremely prudish. Almost like a Nun. I am a person that gets immediately turned off if i don’t feel the other person is interested. This doctor has been educated in China but has lived in Norway for about 30 years. The Chinese doctor could perhaps explain some of the cultural differences between western and eastern conventions and etiquette with regards to sex. Her reaction was extremely negative and a flat out refusal! Possibly this was so repulsive to her that she was preparing a false psychological abuse case and would gain Martha’s assistance. She has also told Martha that I won’t allow her to meet other male classmates. This is totally untrue however I certainly don't approve of her lying and deceiving me telling me she is going one place but secretly going to the home of male classmates!


xpatwilier 6 yrs ago
Badnews, it seems as though there is nothing worth saving. You should at this point look after yourself and plan to protect as many financial assets as you can.

Amparo Kia 6 yrs ago
(sigh!!), OP is getting into a really messy situation. Years before Mainlanders were not freely allowed to enter HK (during British colony time), stories like the OPs always hit the news, HK men (mostly in their 50s, 60s or even 70s) took a Mainlander wife (30s, 40s and 50s), but usually have a age- gap of more than 10 years. When the wife finally reach the city, the first thing they did is avoid sex and get a job or apply for government shelter citing husband abusive behavior and etc…and most of them eventually got a divorce and start a new life here in the city.


I don’t blame the OP, Westerners have no knowledge and wouldn’t imagine what these women were capable of and how willing she is going to stretch for her western dream… for them, migrating to the west is an upgrade of social status, blame it on the mentality or whatever.


OP, now is not the time to look back but to move forward. I do hope you can get out of this messy situation and start all over again… as in every relationship, Love (and sex) has to be a two way street, there is no joy running alone in a highway, and it hurts when your spouse refuses to be intimate with you. For me, that is a definite indication that she is not attracted to you.


Mr Bigglesworth 6 yrs ago
Fcuk mate, that's got to be the grumpiest reprimand for punctuation I've ever read.

rititt 6 yrs ago
it could be tough for badnews to find another woman. if that is so, then he should maybe try to lure her back (with money, sex, talks etc...) but clearly if he doesn't mind being alone or could find a replacement, then he should dump her asap.


Mr Bigglesworth 6 yrs ago
Rittit - If that's the case, OP can always pay for it. At least there's a guaranteed result.

Badnews 6 yrs ago
The decline is sex interest started before she came to Norway. On one occasion she actually answered her cell phone while we were engaged with sexual activities! (I guess she was expecting a call from Wen Jiabao.)

She blamed her lack of interest on her work. She said it would improve when we got to Norway and did not need to work but it continued to decline. She does on occasion take initiative however it has also become rather lacking in variety. I find myself attracted to other women and this has not been a problem in previous relationships. This is why I wanted us to talk with the Chinese doctor to improve our relationship. My wife talked to Martha about it but Martha agreed with my wife that it was unnecessary. My wife has no problem talking to Martha and her other friends about our sex life but talking to a professional together with me is out of the question. Is it normal for Chinese women in that age group from China to be so prudish?


denisiel 6 yrs ago
Your wife is very calculating. She included you on her family activities because she wanted to show she has a foreign husband. Perhaps you paid often or brought gifts which helps as well.


I know many Asian women as good friends and we often talk about life goals and relationships. They are quite pragmatic about what they want and the strategy required to achieve their goals. Sometimes men like that dimension when the women are acting subservient and work hard to please and nurture their man and families. Then there is no complaint. But in your case, it doesn't sound like you are part of her long term plan but more like a means to an end.


You seem like a nice person and I am sure your wife has some good qualities as well. But in the cold light of the day, I think you need to face reality and decide if you want to be possibly taken advantage of. Even if that is not the case, do you want to spend your golden years with someone who you do not understand spiritually and pysically? I wish you good luck and hope it works out the best way for you!

Nkan 6 yrs ago
You will know whether she loves or not only when she will finally get her permanent residence permit.

rititt 6 yrs ago
she will only leave when she finds someone to replace you.

there is no love nor affection, it's 100% convenience.

Badnews 6 yrs ago


My wife and I had a meeting at the family counseling office in November with a human translator. She did not really want to go because she does not think we have any problems. I wrote a report from the meeting and sent it and the following letter to Martha.


12.12.12

Martha

As you can see from the report from the meeting I and my wife had at the family counseling office we are trying to save our marriage.

As you know my wife renews her visa each year. After three years she will be eligible for a permanent residence permit.

You are of course aware of section 53 in the Immigration Act (utlendingsloven) which gives a foreign national an opening to apply for a visa when “cohabitation