depressed expecting mum

Hello,


I'm pregnant, the baby is due this coming summer. I already have a 2 year old boy and he's driving me nuts just now as he's very very active and doesn't listen to me at all.

I feel quite depressed as I feel very anxious about having another baby, I'm scared I won't be able to take care of an additional baby...


Maybe I should go and see a psychologist specialized in pregnant women (if that exists ??) ? I often cry and I have really no patience and everything gets on my nerves so quickly.

I feel I must react but I don't know where to find the strenght.


What can I do ?

Your son is active like normal little children and with being pregnant it can throw your hormones in all sorts of different directions.

If you don't have a domestic helper and don't intend on getting on, why not hire a part time cleaner to do all that for you so you don't have to think about the cleaning.

I'm not sure where you live, but there are schools that take children from 2 years old for a few hours a day, a few days a week (I think Kellet school is one). Those few hours will give you more time to yourself.

Also, do you have anyone you can talk to? It's amazing how much "moaning" and venting out to friends can really help. Maybe you can talk to your gyno and they maybe able to offer some suggestions.

Not sure if this has been of any help but let me know how you get on.

Oh Mum2004, my heart just went out to you. My mum spent a lot of our growing up absolutely overwhelmed. There were 3 of us, closely spaced, no household help, and my brothers were extremely competitive. I think of her often, as her experience with motherhood was so much more stressful than mine, with one toddler and a helper for the household.


Happychick is right, a small play group, just yours and one (or maybe two) other(s) might be a godsend.


I'm not ready to leave my 2 1/2 year old yet, but several of the preschools have parent/child groups for younger kids. We've been going to Highgate House for over a year, it's been lovely--we've both learned so much. I'm a better parent for having accompanied her.


Yes, the pregnancy hormones can really do a number...you are good to reach out and try to compensate.


I'd highly recommend a helper for the chores, btw, even part time and just for now. Such a load off.


Let us know how you get on {{{}}} (an e-hug)

Hello Happychick and My thoughts, thanks very much for your messages & support. But I feel even worse now : I do have a full time helper and my little one already goes to playgroup 3 mornings a week !!!! So does that mean that I'm simply too spoilt ?

I just feel very sad and so anxious about baby 2. I even wish I never fell pregnant again.

I wake up in the morning and I just wish my day can go by as quickly as possible. I just feel good alone in my bed.

My husband is travelling just now, he'll be back on Sunday. He's supportive but I think he'll be fed up soon if he only sees me complaining and crying...

I'll tell my gyne next time I see him (in 2 weeks time).

Have a good day. I go back to bed now.

Hello Sasha, I've just sent you a message that you can access through Control Panel.

Will B vitamins help? Are you taking pre-natal vitamins which are a nice mix of multi-vits including B6 etc? Most doctors here only give you folic acid and iron...

Sorry Mum2004, one should never assume another's circumstance! But your hormonal swings and emotional challenges are real, even with the extra set of hands to help you out.


You may not want to wait 2 weeks to talk with your doctor, and he/she may actually be helpful. They should certainly have experience anyway.


Another thought went through my mind though, with your very active 2 year old. And this may miss the mark entirely too, but here goes...I spent the morning with a friend and her toddler who is also very very active, she has her hands full. But in the two hours we spent together, she munched an entire bag of cookies and drained a juice box. You could just see the sugar hit her system. And then (no surprise) she didn't touch her lunch but would have more sugary snacks after her nap.


My daughter was a terrible eater at 2, so I can empathize with the thinking that "anything is better than nothing", but now, 6 months later, I would say that it's really worthwhile to persevere with fruit and veggie snacks and water/milk to drink. And hold off on snacks in the 2 hours before a meal so they're hungry enough to eat properly. Mine eats a huge variety of food now, loves snacking on fruits and veggies when we're out, and isn't climbing the walls. It took a while, but not forever...

Hi Mum2004 and Sasha,


I hated being pregnant. I am usually a bubbling, happy, energetic person and I was completelyh 'flat' for most of the 9 months - just awful.


I had the baby last week and now I am over the moon, happy, and just thrilled with life again.

I am convinced this was/is hormonal.


We joked it was 'during natal depression' rather than 'post' - but it was really awful.


All I can say in you are normal, you are sane, it is hormones and it will get better...

really...


In the meantime, tell your Doctor - both your GP and OBGYN - let them know and see what they suggest.


Good luck, and hang in there... you know it will get better...

CRI!!! You had your baby last week??? Congratulations!!!!!!!! please tell us how it went when you have time - on another thread? Sorry to go off topic on this one...

FTM - Thanks :)

I posted something here: http://hongkong.asiaxpat.com/forums/pregnancyfertility/threads/76022.asp


Sasha / Mum2004 -


I never liked babies, I am not 'maternal', I never knew the difference between a newborn and a baby, I never held a newborn before, I thought speaking in a high pitch voice was silly, I asked people what you do with a baby becasue I had no idea... (I still have no idea what I will do tomorrow, but guess I will figure it out!)


Both my husband and I and our families were worried (although they didn't admit it) that because I disliked being pregnant so much and was so detached from the pregnancy that I would not bond with the baby and would be miserable when 'it' came out.


I didn't want to see friends, answer emails or leave the flat the last 2 months or so, I dragged myself to work and never seemed to smile. I just did what I could to get through each day.


I hated What to Expect because they were just so bloomin' happy, and I wasn't. I loved, The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy because it made me feel sane (highly recommended to Mum2004 and Sasha).


So, the last 10 days have been amazing - I have been happy, speaking in a high pitched voice and instinctively seem to know what to do... or am just too thick to know I am doing anything wrong!! even when he is crying or/and pooing I am happy.


Things that helped:

The pre-natal classes at annerley midwife really helped, I can't say how much the 6 home visits (post birth) help, we have had two so far and they are a godsend - money very well spent. The midwives at hospital were superb, and can teach you a lot - so ask them.


Trying to set myself very small goals each day/week - so I could actually accomplish them rather than feel depressed for not completing them.


Fantasising about my post-pregnancy wardrobe and new shoes (my feet grew) - yes, really this helped!


I am blessed with a very supportive and patient husband.


Sleeping in nursing bras and sports bras... I swore I never would, and wow, what a comfort!


Maternity support belt thing for when my belly got large and my back started to hurt.


Heat pad (from WingOn) in bed for my sore back and hips. (gift from my husband)


Regular pedicures, keep this up until as close as possible to the due date. Your feet swell, so you wear sandles, and you can't easily reach your toes!


As close to your due date as possible treat yourself - pedicure, manicure, eyebrow shape, etc...


OK, not only did I not like being pregnant I hated being photographed, and my husband complained that I kept saying no photos. So as a gift ot my husband I arranged a session at Moments Gallery for a 'bump' photos session with my husband. It was WONDERFUL, Teresa had such a great way of getting us to relax and for the first time in months I felt good about being pregnant. We did it in the late afternoon then went out to dinner and it was like a date it was great! We should have done this earlier in the pregnancy (maybe 7th month, we did it 9th).


This article: http://www.childbirthsolutions.com/articles/postpartum/newborn/index.php?ag=off - I saved this as a word document and printed it out. I just read it again earlier this week and it is really really great.


Other tips for surviving the first two weeks:


** Prepare the room, bedding, changing table, bathroom, etc... as much as possible before hand, it is calming ot know it is done.


** Organise your life, files, personal papers, etc... as much as possible month 8 and 9.


** limit hospital visiting hours - announce the birth and say we are taking visitors Wednesday 4-7pm - so you just have them all in one lot and can focus on your healing the rest of the time in hospital.


**Get a really good swaddle blanket like:

SwaddleMe in Newborn size http://www.kiddopotamus.com/p_swad.php Get cotton not fleece (too hot for HK) - it is fabulous (order from Amazon.com or other such sites)


**A good moisturising soap for your bathroom sink as you will wash your hands more than ever before


**ice packs that fit in your bra or that you can hold on your breasts - nobody tells you just how much engorged breasts hurt (they really really really hurt!!!) Ice them when they hurt and after a feed, and put a hot pack on 5 minutes before a feed to loosen the milk. Then Ice again after the feed.


Yesterday, I went to the doctor with the baby - and I was alone because my husband had a busy meeting. I was a bit nervous, but had to do it. In the office I was holding the baby, chatting, etc... later a woman came up to me and said she couldn't believe how confident I was. That she had a 22 month old at home and she was not this confident at first. This was such a HUGE compliment, she had no ides how much what she said meant to me because of all I have written above. I thought I would be a horrible mother, with no feelings for my baby and no ability to do anything right...


So please, really, do hang in there, do tell your doctors, and do have faith that hormones completely suck and are evil - it is the hormones, not you that is making you feel like this. YOU will 'return' later - either later in the pregnancy, when you give birth, or a few weeks later... and YOU will be a wonderful mother. What is being experienced now is not YOU, it is evil hormones...

Oh, one more bit of advice... If you already have full time help, arrange for night time help the first month or two... trust me. We just arranged this now (and should have done this before hand if we knew) and what a good thing it is to sleep better. She sleeps on the sofa and gets up to change and sooth the baby, just waking me up to breast feed.


If you don't have full time help, do arrange for extra help the first month or two, it will be worth the expense, sleep is really really hard to get.

Hiya Cri, yes I did read your post on your delivery, only I didnt even register the fact that it was five days ago!!


Which belly support did you use? I'm due in june and cannot imagine wearing full body restriction like the belly bra through summer...


And I'm not in the least surprised at the confident compliment! :D

What great note cri, and congratulations on your new beginning :-)


Being a mum is really a tremendous thing, isn't it? I never looked (or cared about) anyone else kids before we had ours either. This time when they are so new and fragile is precious and passes so quickly. It's exhausting, but amazing.

Hi Cri, thanks very much for your long and constructive message. I'll definitively try to use some of your ideas.

My 1st pregnancy was so wonderful and this one is the complete opposite... I just feel miserable. I'll try to look at the bright side though as I really want to feel better.

I'm so concerned I won't love as much the 2nd baby as I love my 1st one... How can I love so much again ????


My thoughts, thanks for your response too. My toddler is eating very balanced meals so I don't think there's a problem there. He's just very active and he enjoys to be out.

FTM -

11 Days and counting :)

The maternity support belt I used was not great, it was too narrow and I had to always wear over clothing as it cut into my skin. It was the narrowish one from Mothercare. I would opt for something more substantial if you have back/hip pain (I had sciatica and was really uncomfortable) A physio can recommend one or you can look in Sogo, WingOn, etc... I wanted the Belly Bra b/c I thought it looked great for HK, and much more comfortable than the belt I had, but never got one.

Maternity stockings and flight socks also really helped me a lot - but the irony is that they are really really tight and when I really needed them, I couldn't bend enough to get them on myself, so my husband had to do it for me! They are very hot, but the compression made my legs feel better and swell less - I wore them if we would be out for a longer period as they would help me be more comfortable -but no way could you wear them outside in summer here - only in A/C.



I was so hot anyway, that it really didn't matter what I wore, I would be hot and sweat a lot (I am usually a very cold person) so just expect to be hot and sweat a lot in summer :) I walked around in a t-shirt when winter coats were coming out and got strange looks - at least in summer everyone else will be hot too!


My Thoughts -

it is a relief to hear there are other mothers who also were not 'maternal' before having their own. That is why i responded to this thread - becasue it actually made me feel more sane to read that other women felt the same way.


Mum2004 -

there are old wives tales that say that your 'different' pregnancies might be because one is a girl and one is a boy.

There is probably a rational part of your brain that KNOWS that you will love #2 just as much, and that your heart will grow. But your evil hormones are interfering and making you doubt this.

I spent many days knowing rationally that everthing would work out just fine, but still not being able to smile.

The only thing I can suggest is be sure to tell your partner how you are feeling, i made the mistake of almost alienating my wonderful husband, and all he wanted to do was help me through it.

I saw some photos of bump with toddler, etc... if you are inclined maybe you can arrange a family photo session - I can't say enough times it was such a great thing, I was actually smiling and happy for the first time in months during and after our session - it was like therapy! It would also involve your whole family and be a great way for toddler to start to bond with baby.

Good luck, hang in there, and do get some time for yourself while you can.

Mum2004 -


you shouldn't feel horrible about being depressed. The media and society seems to think that woman all have to "LOVE" and "ENJOY" our pregnancies - Why? It's not a great time for a lot of women. I got new varicose veins, my toes are swollen, i'm exhausted, my daughter wont' sleep - and yet we're supposed to remain up and lovely and "I LOVE BEING PREGNANT" about the whole thing? Please. If a man had to deal with this - there would be a solution to this problem and it wouldn't be so secretive. Women are SUPPOSED to want to be mothers - and if we're not - we're supposed to feel guilty?


There is lots of great information up on this post already - take it one day at a time. Tomorrow will get a bit better. I also fear not being love my #2 as much as my #1. (due in 5 weeks.) But i'm sure that things will change the first time I hold him/her - and that love will follow suit. Don't worry so much about that day - you have a lot of time - just allow your hormones to get balanced and talk to people about what you're going through. It's best just to vent and hear that you're NORMAL. (you are NORMAL.)

Mum2004 - "how can I love so much again"... I dont have kids yet, but I truly believe that humans have a capacity for love and reserves that keep coming, and you will, never fear!

I read this on the first day it was posted and was really worried about you Mum2004 but then came a flood of helpful advice some people far better qualified to answer than me but now I want an update. This is one of the most reassuring and heartfelt threads I have read. I have not had any babies and have lots of thoughts about what the future will bring and this thread has been really helpful and very real. I hope you are all ok and are feeling a little better about things.

Hi all, just wanted to give you some news.

I'm still feeling so and so. Yesterday I cried a lot. I told my doctor and he said I could go to see a psychologist. I should get his/her details by the end of the week. I don't know if it can help but for sure, it can't make things worse !

I wish I could be happy about this pregnancy as we both desired it. It's so strange to feel like this.... I would blame someone else telling me this but here I am now !

Dear mum2004,

I am just now reading your posting. I am pregnant with my 3rd child and have been having what I call "the blues." I never had this problem with my first 2 pregnancies & I think that a lot of my problem is being here in HK - so far away from my friends & family.

My oldest child is a 10 year old boy that has ADHD and bipolar disorder. My daughter is a normal although very stubborn 2 year old. I am currently expecting another boy and am so worried that he will have the problems that my oldest son does.

Anyway, I too have been having feelings similiar to yours. My husband is the one that convinced me that we should have another baby and now that we've moved here, he is working all the time. Which leaves me to take care of the kids by myself. Most days I feel like I can't handle the two children I have. How on earth am I going to manage 3?!

Please keep us posted on how things go for you. I don't think that I can manage seeing a psychologist. Just having to visit my son's psychologist once every 6 weeks is driving me batty.


To Sasha - have you tried some of those powdered drink mixes for mums-to-be? I would suggest those or something like Ensure to supplement your diet.

Wow - i'm so glad i'm not the only one.


I'm used to being cheerful, confident, happy and totally convinced that i can handle anything.


Now i just feel weepy, whingey and overwhelmed.

I *never* cry - so feeling weepy all the time is such an awful new feeling.


I so want this baby - but i guess had this idea (i blame the media) that pregnant women are the picture of happiness. My husband is also obviously under this impression, as he was remarking yesterday that he thought that this was supposed to be a really happy period.


It's awful how little thing builds up and adds and in the end everything seems insurmountable (if there is such a word)!

How funny to reread this thread.

First baby is now almost 11 months old, and I am 5 months pregnant with number two... and guess what? I STILL hate being pregnant....


IT IS THE EVIL HORMONES.... just remember, it is NOT you.... it is the evil hormones and you will return to being you (an even better version of you) after the birth.


Good luck!

Cara - April.


Cara, you are someone with so many complications of pregnancy you have every rational reason to hate being pregnant. Poor you!

Wow, Cara, not long to go. Time will quickly pass and your worries will be over. It wasn't so long ago when you told us the good news that you were pregnant and now you're almost at the end of it. And I'm still trying - just that hubby is never home often enough.


I had a complicated pregnancy with my first and that left me in tears since the very beginning. She was born prematurely at 33 weeks and I think I still carry the guilt with me. She's an active 2 year old but I still fuss over her and worry over her.

It's like I'm not the same happy-go-lucky person as I used to be. Now I just worry, worry and worry.

My life is getting back in order with new and more capable staff at work and with a new helper at home, so I'm feeling much better lately and hopefully I'll stay this way because with plans for a second baby, I bet I'm going to worry endlessly as well because my first was complicated. I pray that I won't ever get a previa again... it was soooo tough.

Thanks Cri - but it's so hard to think and accept that hormonones can do this to you - It's sooooo unfair!!

I used to hate it when people told me that i was angry/irritable/whatever due to PMS - since i like to think i'm a totally rational person :))


Cara - you have more reason to complain for sure!! lots of good wishes to you. You've already booked the date for your C-section? Can you do it this early?


MayC - good luck with with TTC. I really hope things go better for you next time around.

TGK - for me, thinking it is hormones makes me feel better - that I have not turned into a horrible human forever, just while the evil hormones are in control... and they go away after birth :)

That is a good point :))


And it's nice to know that hope is visible in the horizon (which is only another three months away).

just wondering mum2004, it was 315 days ago that you posted this thread. how are you doing now? have you given birth yet? are you still depressed? my mood just go from happy to worry and now depressed. last week i found out that i was pregnant and i was so happy. on sunday i bled and doctor couldn't see a heartbeat because i was only 5 weeks pregnant. now i am confined in bed ( doctors order ) and i have to have injection everyday on my butt to maintain the pregnancy. still dont know if the baby is okay. so i am back to depression again.

Oh you poor thing - you must be going through awful anxiety.


this period will pass. I hope that you will have the good news of a pregnancy at the end of it.

A friend of mine had the same problem as well when she was pregnant. She had bleeding and the dr told her to put her feet up too. She had bleeding for about a week and a half... but she's now 20 weeks pregnant. Hang in there, okay, mother_2005.

I too had a scare. I was timing my ovulation and period so much so that I detected my first pregnancy fairly early. I did a home pregnancy test and it was a very faint positive and I went to the gynae immediately. I thought I was about 6 weeks. I went in and the gynae couldn't see a heartbeat and was worried. She did a vaginal ultrasound to see if she could see a heartbeat and thankfully, we found it... but you know, the vaginal ultrasound was not necessary... because a week later, we saw the heartbeat.

Apart from the heartbeat, my gynae also saw three ovarian cysts. I went to the local clinic and I was told I needed to get checked up by the Prince of Wales. The rest normal expecting mothers didn't have to go until months later. I was so worried so the nurse called me aside and said, "You must remember this. If this baby is yours, it'll always be yours.... if it isn't, then it is not meant to be". I cried hearing that... but she was right. The cysts subsided after the first semester and just when I thought I was safe, I was told I had a previa. I broke down after that. Baby came early too. Very healthy and breathed on her own. She's now 2 years 2 months, and bright as a button. But the experience left me shakened.

I remember when I was at the delivery ward and the dr said, "well, there's a risk to every operation and you may bleed because of the previa but we've prepared packs of blood for you. But naturally we will save the mother first if anything goes wrong but chances are minimal that things will go wrong". I cried out, "No, you save my baby first. She's everything I fought for". And to my husband, days before, I had said, "If anything happens to me, feel free to marry again but you MUST love our baby. And this will be all I ask of you".

But thankfully everything went smoothly.... just that 2 years later, I still feel the effects of it.....

I somehow cannot just let it go.

i guess pregnancy brings out the worry wart in us all.


It's a lot of responsibility towards another human being i guess. We start worrying, and all our lives revolve around that group of cells from day one. What we eat, what we drink, what we do.. and to add to everything our hormones and physical changes take things out of our hands and drive us up the wall..

It's magical in someways but on the whole rather tough too. It's certainly not the picnic i was expecting it to be.

my mum says we're exposed to too much information as well... sometimes ignorance is bliss.


MayC - i really hope you can move on.

mayC, that was really touching what you have just shared. i often thought too that i love my baby so much i am willing to die for him. the injections everyday has left bruises and scars on my buttock and the pain is worse. i can't sleep on either side of my butt because it's so sore. but when i think of all these in exchange for the survival of my baby, i have to bear it. god i hope we can hear a heartbeat on tuesday when i next see the doctor.


goddess, during my first pregnancy with my son, my husband banned me from using the internet. like you said, sometimes ignorance is bliss.

Thank you girls for your support :-) Fingers crossed I'm hoping my next pregnancy will go smoothly.. this will be the best medicine for my depression.


I agree goddess and mother_2005, ignorance is bliss. If I hadn't got my ultrasound so early, I wouldn't know I had the cysts because they disappeared at the 12th week. If I hadn't known my placenta was low at Week 20, I wouldn't worry. Most low lying placentas something like 90% resolve by themselves anyway, so really I didn't need to know until I was like in week 28, making it a one month worry rather than a whole 8 months of worry.


mother_2005, good luck at your doctor's visit tomorrow.


Complications are awful but one thing good came out of mine in that there is not a day that goes by that I don't appreciate my precious little one. I shower her with thousands of kisses daily and she smiles each time I give them to her.

I suspect that the hubby would ban me from using the internet if he could.....


it's both a blessing and a curse in many ways.


mother 2005 how did your visit go? do keep us posted.

goddess, went to the doc yesterday. they saw a heartbeat!!!! you cannot believe the hugh relief i had and the urge to kiss the doctor!! however, the baby is a little bit small compared to her/his actual age. right now i dont want to take this as negative, just pray and hope everyday that she/he can make it to this world. the bad news is that i need to continue 2 more weeks of injections because i am still bleeding and there is still a high chance that i might miscarry. still on bedrest although i cheated a little and move to the couch sometimes. good luck everyone and thanks so much for all your thoughts and prayers.

Mother 2005 that's very good news. Just put your feet up, watch lots of DVDs or read to take your mind of things - i'll definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers adn keep my fingers crossed and hope that all turns out well for your little one.

Mother_2005, I was firstly on partial bedrest, then on total bedrest also due to bleeding and I know it is not easy (referring to my first pregnancy).

But it's worth it.

Don't you worry about baby measuring small. The dr freaked my sister out too with her baby, saying that her baby was small and would be less tha 6 pounds at birth. She gave birth to a baby that was 7 pounds + and all was well.

Do your best to stay positive..... don't be like me... everything's allright now and I still can't shake off the guilt. It's so unhealthy because such unhappiness may rub off on our kids ... either that or they get spoiled because of mummy's guilt.

Normal, a 2 years old boys is very very active and he is trying to experiment everything. An important thing to do : He should sleep at least 12 hours during the night and may have a short nap in the afternoon. Try to go to bed very early yourself. Both of you need to rest. You may see an improovement. Good luck