Posted by
boss
19 yrs ago
I'm first time pregnant now, living in Hk with husband and a maid who is a mom too.
My mom-in-law wants to come over from my 8th months til i give birth or maybe stay with me for 3 months.
My question for first time moms - can i cope up or handle the baby with no help at all except for my husband who is going to make a leave for 2 weeks and my maid?
If i give birth by C-section, how many days before i can carry my baby?
I don't want her to come here as it's additional stress for me, though we get along well fine, but it's a different story when i give birth. I just don't want to say NO right away and later i might regret it. It's my first time so i don't know anything about childcare, though i've been reading and will be attending antenatal classes soon. Thanks.....
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mrsl
19 yrs ago
I would not worry about not knowing anything about childcare, as you say, you've been reading, you've got your husband and your helper, and do not underestimate the value of the hospital midwives! Moreover, you've got your instincts.
I will not lie though....it is a total shock to your system when you've got a child. No matter how well you think you've prepared, you can never really understand it until you are actually in that position. That said, I could not have tolerated my mother-in-law (and I did not have a maid back then). I don't know if your mother is still with you - could you invite her instead (that's who I had for 2 weeks as my husband could only get a couple of days off work). After she left, I had my husband. I don't think I could have done it without any support (help with housework, shopping etc), but I would still have rathered go it alone than deal with 'the unquantifiable stress' of my mother-in-law. It does sound as if you have a better relationship with yours though. The best thing that my mother did was disappear regularly so that my husband and I had proper bonding time with our baby.
No matter what you decide, 3 months is one hell of along time! Does she (or anybody) really need to be there for a whole month before the birth??? It's a tough call, you do not want to offend her by saying 'no way', but you do not want to do irreperable damage to your relationship by driving one another insane while she camps out with you either. Good luck!
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I would say take all the help you can.
However, I don't think it is necessary for your mother-in-law to come before the birth. She can stay with you for a while afterwards and I am sure you won't regret anything if she is helpful and lets you do things your way :)
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Be open to anyone who wishes to help, even if you think you don't agree with their style, etc. I was very determined in the beginning that I was going to be the perfect mom - just my husband taking a week off after I come back from the hospital. I did not want my parents to interfere.
But I was in for a rude shock - I wasn't the earth mother that I thought I was going to be. My breastfeeding attempts were a disaster, non-sleeping baby and before I knew it, I was more than grateful for my parents' help with food, carrying baby, etc...anything just to give me space and that precious nap, even if just for 30 minutes. I am grateful that my parents had the foresight to take time off from their own jobs even though I told them beforehand not to as I thought I could cope.
My baby is 10 weeks old now and I am coping better. But still, I can't do it without my mom dropping by every few days so that I can go to the supermaket, a little shopping and a cup of coffee. They are the perfect babysitters too - while they are less strict about my baby's bedtime and cave in easily to his milk demands way before time, I know he is in safe hands.
For my next baby, I hope my mom-in-law can visit Singapore so that she can help look after the toddler while I manage the newborn.
I never thought I would need so much help, but I did and still do! Maybe you will cope better but my advice is to keep any open mind about help. Maybe you can ask your in-law to visit a few weeks after the birth. At least you'll be more settled then and can handle her better!
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cd
19 yrs ago
there is no way I could handle my MIL for 3 weeks let alone 3 months.
Yes you can manage perfectly without her, even without the maid. But as you have the helper let her do all the cleaning and cooking and you and your husband concentrate on spending the time with your new baby. With my last 2 kids that I had here, I wouldn't even let my helper hold them until they were 6 weeks old, I got very protective and didn't want anyone else to have them.
You can hold your baby the same day as the c-section although you may have to find alternative ways of holding them to avoid pressure on the scar.
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I don't think it is a good idea to have your MIL with you at that time of your life. You'll be happy to be able to bond with your baby ALONE with your husband. No need to have your MIL in-between you !
Also, if you have a helper, it's really great as she can focus on the housechores and make the whole house run smoothly or look after the baby if you need to nap a bit.
Maybe your MIL could visit you later !
Good luck
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Hmmm...I suppose maybe I would have felt differently about my experience if it was my mother-in-law helping instead of own parents? I really don't know.
Maybe the first few weeks might be a bad time for your MIL to come - if you really don't want to deal with her, let her down gently and then invite her over when you are ready. She'll probably be more useful then when she watches baby while you go out for that much needed haircut/manicure/anything to help you relax!
I agree with what mrsl said, having a baby is a total shock to your system. it's a wonderful experience but it's not an easy one. good luck, enjoy yourself and seriously, sleep when the baby sleeps - everything else can wait!!
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crj
19 yrs ago
I asked that nobody visit the first 6 weeks, because I was afraid I was going to be depressed and possesive and really terrible. I wanted family to come later.
Then, the baby came, I was thrilled, and sooo happy, and asked my parents to come at about 4-6 weeks, and my M-I-L came at 8 weeks.
By the time they came, we had started on a schedule, feeding was going better, and we had some semblence of sanity in the house - at least we knew how to change a nappy and how to give a bath, how to use the car seat, etc...
Well, my mum was here to help me - she changed nappies, let me nap and helped with everything. It was wonderful.
My MIL, well, she didn't change one nappy, and when he cried said 'Oh, I think he wants Mummy'.
In the first 2-3 months, when friends came to visit, I said - bring food, help yourself to a drink from the kitchen.
Be prepared to not be a hostess, and let people help you.
BUT they need to do what you want - if you want to let the baby cry, they have to respect that - if you want to cuddle the baby all day, they have to respect that too.
I think it is important to see how you feel, and then to be sure anyone who comes actually helps - this is about you, not them.
If you have the choice, wait till you have the baby then decide, you might really want the help and company then. :)
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boss
19 yrs ago
THANK YOU ladies for all your replies, i appreciate it much. I know what to do now. Let my husband tell it to her. My husband is a chinese and it's somewhat a tradition for them that the mom-in-law should take care of the daughter-in-law if she gives birth.
I forgot to mention that she is SO talkative that i don't think i can have a good rest before and after the baby comes. She is also quite old to help me with the baby, so it's really mostly a moral support. Well, one month after is okay, 3 months Mrs. Miggings is too much as this is her first grandson, and my husband is her favorite and eldest son. I don't think she can wait that long. My mom will come too after but not stay here for long unlike my mom-in-law who is retired and doesn't do anything so she has the time to stay with us. Mind you, she knows that she can have 3 months visa ;-) Thanks again.
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I have my MIL coming to stay but after the babes is born. Once we are ready for her to come, we will book her ticket.
I also have my Dad here who is great with kids and is itching to see his first grandchild. Also, our helper has been with our family for decades and helped to raise me along with her own family. So we are pretty much sorted in terms of help and support.
Am really looking forward to the birth although it seems like ages to my due date.
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My parents are in the UK and can't visit until the end of this month so my MIL came to stay with me for the first two weeks and because I don't have a helper, I really appreciated all the help she gave me.
I'm very fortunate that I have a very considerate MIL, she left me after two weeks when she saw I was starting to get into a routine with my children and also at the beginning, we had discussed the length of time she was going to stay. I think she was more concerned that I was going to become too dependant on her if she stayed longer..ha ha
I think it all comes down to being open about what you want and you never know, she may appreciate your honesty about how long you think she should stay.
I hope it all works out for you as the last thing you want is to be stressed out.
I had a c-section and was able to hold and feed my baby straight away. Walking will be a bit sore for the first couple of days but after that, it's plain sailing! Good luck!
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My mom arrived early this month, one month in advance of my due date. She'll be with me right through December, even though I have a maid. I'll be going back to work in September - only 3 months off, and cannot trust the maid to bring be with the baby and give him the educational and intellectual stimulation he needs while we are both away. That really is the key, someone to play, talk, sing and read to the bubs. My dad passed away so my mom is a pretty free agent - she misses her home, but is REALLY excited about her first grandchild. Luckily she is really easy going and non-interfering. I could NEVER have my in-laws with me. My MIL is wonderful, but too old now, but my FIL is really really interfering, and they've spoilt their other grandchildren rotten and played them against their son-in-law...
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bbvv
19 yrs ago
I have been living with my MIL for 3.5 years now as she is too scared to live on her own in a very big house. Her husband passed away and she is afraid of the dark. There has been at times when I wanted to move out so that we can have privacy but this is impossible as my hubby will not leave her on her own. I guess it's ok living with her but I dread the fact that she will bring in her method of looking after a baby when mine is due in August. She is a traditional chinese woman and I'm a little worried about offending her old fashioned ways. My mum will fly over from UK after the birth to stay with me for a few days here and there as she feels awkward about living in my MIL house for too long - there will always be a politeness in the atmosphere and she will not be able to relax with my MIL around. Another thing is hygiene, MIL can be very unhygenic at times and forgets to wash her hands - time and time again we remind her to wash her hands after touching dirty surfaces, etc and she gets offended. I am worried about germs passing onto my baby - it's ok if I'm at home but when I return to work, my MIL and maid will be at home to look after the baby. What can I do?
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