Posted by
freddo
18 yrs ago
Hi everyone,
I read this forum a lot and thought perhaps it was time to get involved.
I really need to get all these feelings off my chest, so here goes....
I am 31 years old and for all my adult life I didn't think I wanted to have children. Then about 1 year ago I really began feeling this (I know this sounds corny...) yearning for motherhood, so after serious discussions with my husband we decided to go for it! so in July this year we started.
I must admit I am a bit silly I think in hoping that something would have happened by now, and in the back of my mind I have been thinking I don't think it will happen to me, as I didn't want to get pregnant for so long and now that I do I probably never will. Well since being off contraception my periods have been like clock work, same date every month, so this month (end November actually) when my period was a no-show 2 days after the usual date I didn't feel like I was getting my period but I felt nausea and back aches, really really tired, and I felt like this might be it! I couldn't help myself so I did a HPT and there was a line! I was overwhelmed, the line was faint but still clearly a line! I told my husband and the look on his face said it all, he was so happy. So the next morning I took another HPT to be sure, and the same line was there, this was Thursday, now 3 days late.
On Friday afternoon I started to feel those dreaded Period feelings, cranky, really sore back and I think then I "knew" something was wrong. Sure enough I got my period, unfortunately I was out and had to go to a Hotel toilet where I cried and cried in as much silence as I could manage as I didn't want people to hear me. All I could think was how cruel life can be, there was a line, how could there have been a line?. I told my husband in floods of tears, and he was so sorry and so amazing and supportive which really helped. I felt like I couldn't face the world.
I know this may sound a little ridiculous as it was only a few days and I read all the time about women in this forum who miscarry at 8, 10, 11 weeks, and my heart just bleeds for them, as that must be almost unbearable, but I guess as women deep down we are strong and we just pick ourselves up and keep going and try again the next month! we put on a brave face and head back into the world. In a way I wish I had not done the test as I would not have seen the positive line and would not have known, on the other hand I can't believe I was actually pregnant if only for a few days or weeks if you count from conception. My period turned out to be much heavier than normal with more sickness and very hormonal. After a lot of research on the net I have found out that many women are pregnant many times and don't even know it as the body rejects if something is not right with the embryo.
Next time if I am late I am not going to rush into any tests until I am really really late (like a few weeks!) as it is just too heart breaking when you really want it, and of course the more you want it the harder it is to get pregnant.
Anyway, thanks for listening, sometimes you just need to talk about these things, and its great to write like this as it's much harder to talk to people face to face when you are feeling this emotional, and you don't want to tell anyone in your life.
My heart goes out to all of us trying every month for that little miracle to occur....
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freddo, so sorry to hear of your loss, and a lose is a loss no matter how many weeks it happened at but the good news is you can get pregnant and it's nice to not have that concern. I understand what you were saying as i too for so many years did not want to get pregnant, my hubby and i were happy just doing our own thing and we didn't even start trying till i was in my early 30's only to discover that we were going to need assistance. We have been blessed since then with a daughter (now 10mths) and not aa day goes by that we don't appericate her and we can't believed we went through part of our lives not wanting a child. She is amazing and we love having her as apart of our lives if only we'd know how great it was earlier! But that's life and everything is better in hind sight you are still young and able to conceive which is great, you and your hubby are ready so when it happens it will be so wonderful. I wish you all the best have fun trying each month!!!!
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Perthites, thank you so much for your reply. I m sure that when the time comes we will be the same as you and wonder why we spent so long not wanting a child! I think maybe it's a bit of fear of the unknown and you just are happy doing your own thing I guess. We are ready now so one day...... Congrats on your baby daughter that is wonderful, you sound so happy. Thanks for your kind words, much appreciated.
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Dear Freddo,
The emotional rollercoaster that every cycle brings for those who are TTC is difficult every month, so I can imagine how hard this *particularly* difficult month has been for you. My heart goes out to you and your hubby. I know it's very difficult to focus on this aspect when you are sad--but the good part of your experience is that it does show you can conceive...and that is a very large part of the battle. Take care and all the best to you.
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thank you wishing and hoping. My husband has said the same thing about at least it has shown us we can conceive, I guess it is hard to focus on the positive side at first when you keep thinking that if I can conceive why did it not stay? but that's life I suppose, and all must not have been okay for my period to come. Now I just need to hold on to it next time! it is so nice to have this support from other women, sometimes we just need to talk about it and help each other through. Thank you for your support.
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Thank you cara, that's really nice of you. It does help I must say to have this outlet and support from people.
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dear freddo.. i know its really hard when you are trying to TTC so desperately.I am also in the same boat as you are. All around me I see pregnant women or little babies, friends and family conceiving without having to try for long.. it drives me nuts and sometimes to depression. But I try to do what I can ie BBT tracking, Cervical mucus checking, etc etc and really keeping my fingers cross each month.I hope your sadness of your earlier pregnancy loss will go away in time. I too had a miscarriage early this year... and like what your husband said, at least it means we are able to get pregnant.
This forum is really a good channel to get support and information from all the wonderful anonymous women out there.Hang in there....xx
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Hi pinklotus, it is difficult when you see pregnant women and babies, I agree, I found it particularly hard just after I realized I was no longer pregnant seeing mothers and babies in my building. You have to smile when you are crying inside.
Thank you for your encouraging, thoughtful words, they really do help. It is wonderful to talk to other women experiencing the same things, you know you are human and are not going through the hard times alone...
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hi freddo... so true what you said about " you have to smile when you are crying inside".. you are trying so hard to be happy for the moms-to-be but you SO wish that it is YOU who is pregnant.I really, really can identify with that feeling.I have 6 colleagues whom were/are pregnant this year and 2 of my family members are pregnant. The whole year.. it was gut wrenching to see them so happy and you are trying to stay positive ( and not wanting to sound ingenuine or being a prick) All I can say is.. its probably not our time yet...hopefully it will come soon for the both of us.Sometimes... all I can do.. is just laugh and really try to tell myself .. to snap out of it and get on with life. So far.. I manage to maintain my sanity.
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Dear Pinklotus, you are right it must not be our time yet.... hopefully it will be for both of us sooner rather then later.... all I keep thinking now is that I just have to try and focus on my day to day life, and put things in place to keep me challenged and motivated, rather then focusing all my energy on getting pregnant and then maybe, hopefully it will just "happen"! but, on the other hand, how hard is it to "just relax, blah blah blah and let it happen"... our time will come x
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freddo, i know exactly how you feel. i lost my baby in june this year at 20 weeks pregnancy. it was a still birth. doctor said she had deformed heart, her heart just stopped beating. i was devastated. i tried again immediately after 2 cycles of AF and just found out that i am pregnant two weeks ago only to discover again that i started bleeding last week. now i am confined in bed until i next see doctor and they still couldn't see a heartbeat yet last week. i am very very worried but i remembered what the doctor told me. nature worked in such a way that if the embryo is abnormal usually it will be miscarried naturally. it made me feel better because it's better to delay your baby plan for a few month in exchange for a healthy normal baby. of course, the grieve is still very real and deep. but maybe by thinking this way, it can help you cope better. i am still waiting to see doctor if my baby has a heartbeat or not. good luck.
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mother 2005, I am so sorry for your loss, and I really hope and pray that things work out for you this time. I do agree that it is better to wait and have a safe pregnancy and a healthy baby, that said, it is really hard to think it's for the best when your heart feels broken. My heart really goes out to you, how difficult it must have been for you. I am going to remain positive and hope for the best in the future, and I will be hoping for the same for you...thank you for sharing with me, and for such words of support, best of luck to you also.
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we also lost a baby due to a heart defect, we were only 9weeks though but after trying for so long and going thru so many IUI's and and IVF it was devastating. We went in for a scan only to see that there was something terribly wrong, we had to walk back out thru the waiting room with pregnant women and happy couples. It was a terrible time for us and we were so sad for such a long time. I had to have a D&C which the Dr organised quickly for us so we could "move on" from the whole experience. As mother2000 said it's natures way of telling you whats best, at the time it's some times hard to understand why nature was so cruel in the first place but you realise when you finally reach your dream and you do fall pregnant and have a beautiful child. Everything works out for the best in the long run but i can totally understand how hard it is to see the light at the end of the tunnel just try to get thru each day and only each day.
mother 2005 i can't imagine how you are just getting thru each day right now but i truely wish you all the best.
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dear mother2005, my heart goes out to you. Stay strong and remain positive. I hope the doctor will bring you good news soon.xx
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I can't imagine how difficult it must be to lose your baby months into the pregnancy, I mean for me it was only a "glimpse" at being pregnant, and yet I felt so empty. I really feel so much for all the women out there who have to deal with such trauma, to pick up and try again. To have everything work out must be all worth it. I have just been discussing with my husband about how I really did not know anything about pregnancy, and just assumed when you did the test and it was positive then that was it! and if something bad was going to happen then that was later on not straight away. It was literally there, then gone, I had not even thought about that happening. This really has made me think about what can happen and what does happen to so many women so often, I guess we just need to hang in there and keep on trying.. best of luck to us all, and best thoughts and wishes.
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MayC
18 yrs ago
I had a very, very complicated pregnancy with my first... and even after she was born (she was born at 33 weeks gestation), I still cry and I still think about what happened every now and then..... I can just imagine how much harder it can be if you lose your baby..... I was so close to losing mine too.....
Like you, Freddo, I've read thousands and thousands of articles trying to understand my condition - to make myself feel better.
Sometimes I get so envious of my friends who have had absolutely no problems at all with their pregnancy....and I keep thinking, "What is wrong with me?" or "Why me?"
It isn't easy and till now it hasn't been easy for me to accept what's happened, but I keep telling myself that life goes on... I just hope that I have the strength to face all future challenges ahead of me.
Good luck to us all. I'm also trying for #2.
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thank you everyone. made me cry just reading your posts. i try to be strong, for my son, and for my husband. life still goes on......... i think mothers ( women ) go thru so much more pain than men, i really believe that we are stronger than them because of what we went through. anyway, thank you everyone. will be seeing doctor in a couple of days time. i can just pray.......... dont give up, everyone. like perthites said, there's light at the end of the tunnel, we will get there soon enough. good luck everyone.
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I was only thinking (again!) today "why me" and "what did I do or not do?", but then I feel like I will drive myself crazy if I keep thinking why and what if and when will it happen, so I am trying really hard to set myself some other goals and interests, (it is hard, isn't it). I want to try and just enjoy my time with my husband and live each day as it comes. This is about the most positive I can be at the moment. Today I have felt up and down, so emotional and teary, yet okay. (must be my hormones, they really can do strange things to you can't they.)
As women I think we are very strong (stronger then we think) especially when we have to be strong for those around us. We tend to keep how we are really feeling a bit bottled up just so we can "get on with things". That is why this forum is so good, as it is a support network, where we really can express our feelings and be a shoulder to cry on for others. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and we will all get there I agree. Lot's of luck and kind thoughts to us all ...
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mrsl
18 yrs ago
mother 2005, your posts put things in perspective. I felt sorry for myself with first trimester m/cs, the 11.5 week one nearly killed me, so knowing that you found the strength to survive what you've been through is truly inspirational! I really hope that you get soem good news soon - the limbo is hell!!!!!
freddo, you seem to be coping as well as can be expected. After 4 m/cs, I have started to see the early ones as a blessing in disguise. Difficult as they are, you learn to manage your expectations, but with each passing week, you cannot help but raise your hopes. I now focus so much energy on managing my husband's expectations. Whenever he talks about 'when the baby comes', I have to talk in terms of 'if'.
It is reassuring to know that many of you find it difficult to be truly happy for other pregnant women. I feel like a monster when I come out of the obstetrician's office after questionable or negative news to see women with huge bumps and smiles to match, I really couldn't help being jealous (not that I would ever wish that they would have to suffer too!). I am glad to know that I am not alone.
Good luck with your next pregnancy freddo - most women who miscarry go on to have more than one normal pregnancy. Mother 2005, am thinking of you and keeping everything crossed!!!!
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mrsl, my heart goes out to you, how hard it must have been for you havinig 4 m/cs, words cannot even express how much I feel for women who have to endure such cruel runs of fate, you truely are a strong person. I think it is only human to feel jealous of pregnant women, when you have so much trouble yourself. Part of me feels happy for them, but still wishes it was me, you are not alone in your feeling that's for sure. All I can think is that the body would not reject if all was right so maybe it was a blessing to happen to me so early on.
I am feeling a lot better now, as you just have to get on with it, I can't change things, I can only look towards the future, and hope for the best!
Take care everyone.
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mother 2005 - how devastating for you. How did your doctor's visit go?
I remember never letting myself not get too hopeful till i got past the twelve week check up when the doc said - ok now all is well.
It's true that miscarraiges are natures way of helping to have healthy babies - but they are really devastating.
I agree totally that women are very strong - adn that we generally have to deal with quite a lot of pain.
Freddo - it will happen for you... some are lucky while ttc and get it right straightaway. Some others have to try longer and go through quite a lot of frustration and heartbreak.
I really hope that the magic happens for you soon.
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goddess, went to the doc yesterday. they saw a heartbeat!!!! you cannot believe the hugh relief i had and the urge to kiss the doctor!! however, the baby is a little bit small compared to her/his actual age. right now i dont want to take this as negative, just pray and hope everyday that she/he can make it to this world. the bad news is that i need to continue 2 more weeks of injections because i am still bleeding and there is still a high chance that i might miscarry. still on bedrest although i cheated a little and move to the couch sometimes. good luck everyone and thanks so much for all your thoughts and prayers. i need to add one more thing though. some are lucky while ttc and get it right straightaway but there are also some who are lucky while ttc but not so lucky with maintaining the pregnancy. i suspect i maybe one of them due to my experience. mrls will probably agree with me. fingers cross for this one.
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mother 2005 CONGRATS that is great news! Those injections are hell but it will be worth it i'm sure you know. Keep up the rest and all the best for you and your growing baby.
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mother 2005 I am sooooooo pleased there is a heartbeat, that is fantastic news. I hope and pray for you that all will be ok. keep up your rest. My fingers and toes are crossed for you. I agree some women are lucky first up and others take a little longer, we just have to think of all the joy the extra wait will bring. All the best to you x
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dear mother2005. this is such a WONDERFUL news!You must be breathing a big sigh of relief. Plenty of bed rest for you. Like Freddo, i will also keep all toes and fingers crossed for you and your baby.
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mrsl
18 yrs ago
mother 2005, that's god news! Fingers crossed!!! I'd love to have seen your doctor's face had you kissed him!! They are surrounded by emotional pregnant women, I'd bet that nothing shocks them anymore.
Make the most of the bedrest - frustrating as it may be, think of all of those days when you'd kill to be in bed!
I agree with you on the 'luck' ttc - on my 7th pregnancy in 5 years, no longer get excited about the blue line. Thank God I have 2 wonderful children to show for them! Keeping everything crossed for us both this time around!!!
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thanks everyone. you gals are the best buddies a woman can ever have. thanks for all your encouragement. i will hang in there and hopefully everything will be fine. baby dusts to you all, maybe santa will have a surprise for everyone this christmas!! good luck, freddo, mrsl and pink lotus. my prayers with you always.
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freddo
the same thing happened to me last month. i knew i conceived a week after sex as i was having a bit of morning sickness and naturally resisting the taste of coffee and alcohol. i was so excited as this was the first time that i was able to conceive after trying for almost 2 years. but then i knew i lost it when the period came. i have gotten past it now and are trying to be forward looking. my husband and i are hoping that we will be able to conceive and to keep the baby this time. i wish for the same for you as well. good luck!
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