To make a long story short, my husband has fallen out of love with me and I'm 8 months pregnant with his child. In his words he "cares about, but doesn't love" me. We have been married 2 1/2 years and were dating for 3 years before that. I also found out that he has had at least one affair, and slept with numerous prostitutes before and since we got married.
I never thought I'd be in this kind of situation where my marriage was falling apart at what should be the happiest time, but here I am. To make matters more complicated, we have been living with his father (he's local, I'm expat) since we came to HK 2 years ago. Now he has moved out (of his own volition, I wanted him to stay), leaving me living with my father-in-law. I can't afford a place of my own, at least not one big enough for a child, especially since my income will be placed on hold for a few months with the birth of the baby (no paid maternity leave for me).
What do I do now? I love HK, and don't want him out of my life or the life of his son (he has said he wouldn't move back to the US even to be closer to his son), so I'd like to stay, but how?
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Sorry to hear about your position but best thing to do is schedule time to see if the father is planning to be part of your child's life, what he hopes his role will be and how much of his time he is willing to invest. You mention he has fallen out of love with you but if he still cares, would it be possible for him to help you out financiallly?
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What a situation! Really sucks but luckily, you have a safe place to stay so in the meantime, don't do anything or rush into making any decision. Just wait and have the baby first, then rest properly. When you and the baby are well back on track physically, that will be the time to figure out your next step. Be strong for the baby.
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Wow! This is a tough one. Right now, the most important thing to concern yourself with is your health and the health of your unborn child. Nothing else can matter. I hope your husband is at least helping with the medical expenses. In spite of how uncomfortable it must feel to live in your father-in-law's house, you cannot concern yourself with that now. Who know what the situation willbe in a few months. It sounds like he's probably shacking up with someone else and maybe he'll snap out of his madness once the baby is born. Regardless, this chap needs some serious help.
Best of luck.
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I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.
I agree with the advise that you shouldn't do anything yet until baby's born and you've had a few months adjusting to motherhood (and working when you do go back to work). When all is sorted, you could then consider the feasibility of moving out to a smaller place and hiring a helper to help you out.
He may turn around when baby's born and realises that he has a responsibilty to his family.
So sorry, really to hear this.
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Actually, you may have some grounds for a law case to protect yourself and your baby. May I know when exactly did you found out about his cheating? Was it before or after you got married? Was it before or after you got pregnant?
Good luck and god bless.
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Thanks for the support. Just to clarify, I am not planning on leaving Hong Kong anytime soon, although I am planning a trip to the US later this summer after the baby is born (to introduce him to my family, etc). I just can't imagine how I will work and raise this baby at the same time on my own.
Financially, I am better off than my husband, because he went into a lot of debt starting his own company (in his name only, not in ours) this past fall, just shortly before the crisis. Luckily my work has nothing to do with finance and has continued to be steady, while his has nearly stopped completely.
I hope with all my heart that he will see his son and change his mind about our marriage, but I am trying to be pragmatic and not ignore the possibility that he may be gone and that's just the way it's going to be. It breaks my heart because I truly feel he is my soulmate, just the level of connection was so great and powerful, but obviously he was not the man I thought he was.
Michael1977, I found out about the cheating when I was 7 months pregnant, if that changes anything.
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Sorry to hear about your situation and I agree with others that you need to be strong for yourself and your baby. Surround yourself with friends. Is a family member able to fly here and be with you for a while?
I wouldn't suggest moving right now, you've got enough to deal with. You don't have to be superwoman, it's ok to only deal with one thing at a time. But perhaps you can stay with friends for a week or a weekend just to take your mind off things and have some company other than your father-in-law?
It's all fair and good for you to hope "maybe" he'll change his mind when the baby is born, but you need to prepare for the worse. I'd suggest speaking to a family lawyer to work out what your legal rights are. Even if you can't salvage your marriage, at least make sure you and the baby get what you rightfully deserve from him. Monetary wise, as you've mentioned, he might not have much, but when you're raising a child alone, every bit helps.
And judging by your post, he's cheated on you before, he's now walked out on you when you're 8 months pregnant, soulmate or not, I wouldn't be that much of a door mat and take him back. Even if you say "for the sake of the baby" you want to work things out with him, personally, I'd be worried what sort of an example you are setting for your baby when he grows up.
Good luck
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What a mess. I don't usually contribute in a sensible fashion in these forums but these types of situations where people don't know what they want and end up hurting others really annoy me. Do you know if he plans to continue his "affair" or has it stopped? If he's out of a job it sounds as though he'll be out of money and if so he may well come to his senses. "Affairs" require funding and it's usually money that makes people so much more interesting and attractive to the shallow and fickle. If his fun does dry up, you being at his Dad's may well result in a better ending than most estranged scenarios.
Mainly it would need your Husband to be honest with you to understand what your relationship lacks because running back without a fix isn't right either and possibly he can't or doesn't feel any desire to fix it ; if third base is still on the scene I'd suggest it would be the latter until of course the money runs out (unless she's really rich). If he doesn't return, using his Dad's place will place a strain between the two of them with his Dad trying to take up responsibility for son's lack of it so one day it will be time for you to move on.
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Hi Hannah, I know you have a very difficult situation right now but basing on your replies, you're a very strong person, keep it up. That's exactly what your baby needs. It's also good that you're expecting the unexpected. Whatever comes, comes. Hubby comes or goes, though it breaks your heart, you're strong enough to deal with it.
Once your child is born, you'll find a lot more strength in him. You'll see another world which you've never been to before. Your baby will be your top priority. Anything or anyone else will be just be next.
Hope everything goes well for you and your baby.
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Hannah, I feel so sad about your situation, my wife is also expecting and I would never dream of leaving her alone at this critical time when she needs the most support. If your husband is not there for you, see if one of your friends can help you go through the maternity period with you, having some support from your friends will be better than going through this alone. My thoughts are with you and your baby.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
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so sorry to hear your story, but for this time...you need to focus your mind for the baby, its your first baby, and its not easy to be a mother, especially with your situation. Anyway I can't give you much advise but I hope you will be better soon with everything, and if you need some friends....I can be one. I got a 3 years old son, and eventhough your baby is too young to be his friend, its still a good thing.
Good luck for the birth.
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"if you need a place to stay we have a large house with an extra bedroom..."
"Anyway I can't give you much advise but I hope you will be better soon with everything, and if you need some friends....I can be one. I got a 3 years old son, and eventhough your baby is too young to be his friend, its still a good thing."
Hannah, as you see, even we're strangers, we're here for you if you're feeling alone. It's best that you divert your attention to other things like meeting up with friends and loving and encouraging people.
As for your husband, it's up to you if you still want to communicate with him. If he shows no interest, just let him be for the time being. Wait until the baby arrives and he'd be sorry.
Take care of yourself and surround yourself with people who love you and care for you and your unborn baby :)
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Hi Hannah
I don't have a room to offer you but I do know that having a circle of friends will help.
If you need help, babysitting, coffee, timeout, someone to be there for the birth, just let me know. I'm happy to meet for coffee regularly to help you through this difficult time. Please PM me if you are in need of some verbal download.
Stay strong.
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Nice idea familyofthree, Hannah, wanna meet up with us for coffee? Hmmm, your coffee can't be as rich as ours though ;)
Pm us if you like to meet up :)
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Hi Hannah,
Take seriously the offers for support from people here, Hong Kong has some wonderful people I'm very sorry that your husband does not sound like one of them. I don't like to judge someone I don't know, but I know what it was like growing up seeing my mother disrespected in this manner by my own father; it took her 25 years of all sorts of abuse before she finally got out. You are sending a resounding message of self respect and strength to your unborn child, by removing yourself from the situation now and I promise you your baby is better off with your morals and being raised by someone who seems to possess a very open and giving heart.
Im so terribly sorry for the situation you're in, I too cannot offer a room but if you would like a coffee or another pregnant mum (with toddler) to talk to, to rant at, or for any thing as banal as a nappy cream recommendation I'm more than willing to make a friend of someone who is of substance as you seem to be. Good Luck and keep us updated.
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thank you all for your offers of support. I'd love to meet up with you for coffee or such, but I am still working part time, so it may take some careful scheduling. Mostly I am starting to find myself with too much time on my hands, as each week I am reducing my workload, and I can't think of a better way to deal with that than being social. My few close friends here are working (and unmarried and childless for that matter) so while they have been very supportive and there for me, I could always use new friends to talk to. Please PM me your details if you'd like to meet for the proverbial coffee and I'll email those of you interested all at once. Thanks again ladies (and men)!
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I think Flashback said it best. Sorry but your husband is a sorry excuse of a man and I don't see how you can possibly love him. Focus on your child and yourself... and leave behind the dirtbag.
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nachi
16 yrs ago
Hi. I understand you completely as I myself was in a very similar situation 2.5 years ago. My husband (then) had a different problem with himself... But the key point is he wasn't ready for a family life (with kids). I went through a very miserable pregnancy, and now my daughter is 2.3 years old - a very happy soul she is.....Thank God for that..
I know you must have a lot of "hope" right now for things to turn out better when the baby arrives. My advice to you is - do prepare for the worse situation too. Think about where you are going to raise this baby, and how, and very importantly - who is going to help you out, because you can't handle the baby alone even how strong a person you are. Postpartum depression will only make things worse. If any of your family members can come over to be near you, that will be a great help, both physically and emotionally. Don't expect to depend too much on your husband. Trust me....if they are not ready for this, they'll be more scared and even more in denial when the baby comes. You'll know that on the very first day when the baby is born..... Is he there to help you out? Is he genuinely happy, or "happy with stress". I'm sure he'll love his baby, but it all comes down to his ACTION after that. Will he run away, or will he stay put with you...... That will depend on your fate as well....
My husband loved me and my baby. But he was never available. Even when he was around....he wasn't really there... He has some serious issue with himself that I can no longer take the pressure. I have tried hard enough for almost 3 years now, and I think he'll never get out of it. He also have slept with many prostitutes ever since I was pregnant. I know how it hurts. But you have to be strong, and also be decisive. The baby's life depends on you...
Perhaps if things doesn't work out (after you've tried enough), he can have visiting rights, and you can talk about how to live separately and still function as your baby's father and mother.
All the best to you.... Don't get too stressed. Meditation does help too...
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What a pity, what a terribly crappy situation and he's a poor excuse for a husband and a human being. That said, now that he is being selfish you need to be selfish (or at least self-interested and self-advocating) for both yourself and your baby. You need to figure out what needs to be done going forward to help you live a safe and happy life. He owes you at least financial support, and if possible, his time and effort in raising the baby. He says he still likes you, and hopefully he has the decency to feel a sense of responsibility to do the right thing by you and his child. So sounds like a conversation around what he intends to do for the family is in order. So he's a dirtbag, or at least a cheat, but maybe, maybe he can be brought to see that he has some serious responsibilities here and should do the right thing. Maybe you can split up, stay friends, and he can still have a role in raising the baby, as he is responsible to do. In such an event you might have gotten off lucky - being done with the cheating husband and still have a partner to raise the baby. Wish you truly the best of luck.
-earthwalker
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I am sorry to say this, but he is not a man. He is a nutless, gutless, spineless whimp. What kind of half decent man would leave a woman in this situation? No matter how much his pecker is looking for alternatives. Makes me sick to my stomach.
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sicn
16 yrs ago
When I was little human being in my Mom's womb, I didn't give a f&*((*() about who my dad or how he was. I didn't know he even exists. All I remeber (I think) is my mother was everything I had and the time I had in her warm and comfortable womb was once a life time thing. I could feel everything she felt and taste everything she ate. She was I and I was her.
Life has many phases and faces and is very different in different perspective.
So please take good care of yourself and be happy.
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I know what is like to be in that situation. I also broke up with my ex and have raised my chld by myself. I think you're relatively in a good situation in a sense that you're financially better off than your husband. My situation was like that, too, and I actually got financially better off without my ex. So even worst comes to worst and if you end up bringing up your child by yourself, I tell you it's not that bad. I know it's not all about money but I think when relationship, health, and money all go at the same time, it's hard to cope. But when one thing at time, we women can cope, and we learn many important things in the process, too. Good luck!
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Hi there. I know almost everything's been said so far, but I just want to add a few things. Firstly, you are pregnant and very hormonal and emotional, so your judegement can't be trusted! Some counsellors won't even speak to women til their babies are born because they say their judgement is not clear. You, however, sound pretty clear in your thinking. Of course, some men tend to get frightened and some cheat when their wives are pregnant because they don't know how to handle it. If it were a one time thing and if he were really sorry, you might be able to forgive him. However, he was cheating ALL ALONG and you are still considering taking him back? What would that teach your child? Well,it would teach your child that your husband is a serial cheater who has NO respect for women, nor for you or the sanctity of your marriage and secondly it'd teach that you have no respect for yourself or the sanctity of your marriage. Unless you are willing to be one of the masses of women who sleep with your husband, he will never be YOUR husband exclusively. Maybe if you get back with him, you will end up being like the other woman to his main woman or mistress or whoever she is. Your husband won't respect you if you seem willing to forgive him. IF, and it's a huge IF, your husband was willing to change after the child is born, he will need huge amounts of counselling to help him and you will need it too. When the pregnancy hormones subside and the tiredness which comes from having a baby set in, you will be less energetic and I imagine less forgiving than you are now. You will realize you gave birth to him/her and you can look after him/her alone. If you chose to move to the states, no one, not even the child would fault you for leaving. If you allow the father of your child to visit you, do you think he would? If not, if you feel like it, you could come back once a year so the child knows his/her father. Your family wil want you to come home. They miss you and they will be able to help with the child. I know you think your husband was your solemate, but you were wrong. Soulmates care about you deeply and don't sleep with prostitutes. How could you possibly go back to him? Did you know all along that he was sleeping with them?Was it OK with you? If so, then you can't complain, but if he was lying to you throughout your entire relationship and sleeping with anyone he could find, he's not the man you invented in your dreams. I don't mean to be hard on you. It's lovely that you are able to trust and love, but you have set your sights on someone who doesn't know doesn't know how to reciprocate. The longer you're a mother, the more you know you must not put your children in a home with a father who disrespects you or they will learn to disrespect women, including you. It will mess them up. They will grow up to cheat on their partners and you will become bitter. How are you not bitter now? It sounds like maybe you've known about the cheating all along. Otherwise, why aren't you outraged by it?Maybe you're scared and aren't admitting your outrage? Even if you think you can accept it, you shouldn't. The fact that you are willing to consider trying again means you need help in boosting your self-esteem so you know not to accept this kind of abuse any more. Move to the states if it will make you happy. Your child doesn't need a father as much as he/she needs you to feel stable. What in the world does the man's family think of him? What are the laws like in HK? You should get it in writing that he owes you money every month.
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There's such thing as child support and alimony!
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I was actually quite surprised that someone would actually do that!!!! I applaud your strength and courage girl - and i trust you will make the right decisions for yourself and the baby. And whilst you might have feelings for your husband - I think it's important to remember sometimes the ones we love might not be the ones that are good/best for us (it's unfortunately sad but true). And even if the man wakes up from his "madness" and comes back - i don't know if you can ever completely trust the person again? Either way, trust yourself and try to keep your spirits up - it's important for you right now and together with all the others here - i'm rooting for you!!
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Although this is a very emotional time, and lots of things going on preparing for the baby, you should take the time to speak to a lawyer. Under HK law you should check what you are eligible in terms of support and alimony.
Do not leave HK as that could be considered abandonment as you are expat and he is local. You could end up with nothing.
You need to think about your child and make that a priority.
Take care and good luck.
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mmoe
16 yrs ago
No matter how bad things are, somehow, things always work themselves out. Don't count on him being around, you will enough to keep yourself occupied.
Good luck and God Bless..
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