Feel so helpless!

My wife is pregnant with our first child (now 36 weeks) and to say it has not been an easy pregnancy is an understatement. Physically, the baby is developing fine but emotionally it has not. She gets depressed all the time, and today was another bad day. Depression is primarily around her looks which she sees as deteriorating, bad hair, freckles, perceived weight gain (she has not gained any "extra" weight around face, arms, legs, etc...). I think she looks beautiful and i tell her that all the time.


She has always been proud of her looks and today she was in tears and moody the whole day. I'm ashamed to say that I lost my temper.


I just don't know what to do - I try to talk to her, but get no real response besides "its not your body, you do not appreciate what i am going though". My friends tell me to be more patient and understanding, but regardless, I am feeling depressed and helpless - trying to be the emotional rock is so hard...


Well, apologies to any readers for this rambling, self-pitying whine that probably does not make any sense, but just want to get it off my chest.

Being a figurative (and sometimes literal) punching bag is often the lot of the husband. So you are definitely not alone. This is, I'm afraid, quite normal.


And I know this is not helping but it won't necessarily get much better during the first 6 months after the birth.


You can be understanding but sometimes it's better to just walk away. There's no point being too masochistic about it. If she doesn't understand that now, she will eventually.


I think what you need is a night on the town with some mates who are already parents. Blow off some steam by comparing crazy pregnancy stories. Don't go too crazy and keep your cell phone on in case baby comes early.


I, for one, feel for ya.

It's really important to understand what women go through. Women need to be felt loved, hugged, listened to and told they're beautiful all the time.... being pregnant is no exception! Please try to understand that their bodies change and it's also a very uncomfortable feeling for many. Not to mention that their hormones are goign crazy! Please don't walk away from her, it's the worst thing you could do. Take a few deeps breaths and put up with it. It won't last for that long.

Chances are she will go through post-natal depression, so be ready for that. Perhaps you could read a few books about how to deal with it.

Why don't you treat her to get her hair done, facial, manicure and pedicure? I'm sure she'd really love that. The poor lady needs to feel pampered.

If you feel that you are going to loose your temper, leave the room for a very short while and count to ten. Try not to say anything to make things worse. As axpatguy38 said, you are like a punching bag at the moment. Try to hang in there!

I agree with disco babe. Don't walk away, that's the worst thing you can do. She needs you more than ever!


I think the key solution is to understand that being pregnant changes a person's hormones and she's not really herself. Tell her that you lost your temper because you care so much about her. Don't wait for her to ask you whether or not she's beautiful or when she complains that she's unattractive. Tell her she's beautiful when she least expects it.


Being pregnant is hard... apart from hormonal changes, you worry about the baby growing inside you, you worry about when your baby's born and how you'll cope etc etc etc. I too was an emotional wreck when I was pregnant with my daughter! In fact, I was so furious with my hubby for his lack of support that I took my newborn back to Sydney for 2.5 months without him. Things did get back to normal after a while.


She'll be better when she loses most of the pregnancy weight later on.


Good luck!

When i was pregnant with our first child, I was lying on the bed bawling my eyes out. My husband walked in and said what on earth is wrong? I looked at him and yelled "I just want you to be a handyman!!!!". Now figure that one out! I didn't need anythin doing in the house, there was no real reason for the outburst, but there is was, female hormones at their best! Just for the record, he is great at handyman work around the house, BUT! that wasn't the point at that stage. 10 minutes later I was fine. I am now 33wks pregnant and it is not that much different, I'm an up and down like a yoyo.


Like everyone has said, the changes in the body are so dramatic that no person, male or female who has not gone through it personally would find it hard to comprehend, and rightly so. Has your wife been to talk to someone perhaps? Don't forget she is probably also thinking that her life will change (as will yours) forever, I know from being a working woman that it was one of the hardest things I had to cope with on top of the body image issue also.


Unfortunately you are a punching bag, just like my husband at the moment (mmm, I must be having a good hormone day today to be so kind to him!), but it seems to be the rite of passage. Chances are once she has a moment alone, I will bet she feels horrible for treating you badly, but because we are so focussed on everything else, saying sorry or letting you know we feel bad is just not in our realm of thought.


Don't forget the "freckles" which aren't really freckles but skin pigmentation that comes with pregnancy, alsmost always goes once the baby is born. It has been the same with both my pregnancies, it went away the first time and fingers crossed, it will go away again. My major thing is the veins in my legs, I am devasted at how bad my legs look, it was the one thing I have always been proud of on my body and now they look like a 90 year olds!! My husband also can't understand it and said it's not that noticeable, let me tell you, IT'S HIDEOUS!!!


Just a note about the depression, you may want to watch closely and see how she is after the baby is born. I suffered Post Natal Depression, so my ob is monitoring me quite closely this time round. Perhaps you can contact your wife's ob/gp and speak with him/her about your concerns and then he/she can perhaps bring up these issues without it looking like you are interferring or have gone behind her back.


I wish you luck, it's a bumpy ride sometimes, but just know that if you weren't there for her she would fall apart and take comfort knowing that your relationship must be pretty solid if she can rip you to shreds and knowing that you will be there to support her. Oh one last thing, GIVE HER A FOOT MASSAGE!!!

Great advice neenib!

But don't give her a foot massage unless you want to induce labour!

Why would foot massage induce labour? I had them throughout my last pregnancy with no problems. Certainly not vigorous ones, but relaxing definately.

Ken132, maybe get her to talk to her doctor. Yes women get emotional while pregnant, but they can also get the same symptons as post natal depression, I don't know if its called pre natal depression, but its real, Somebody I know had it.

Some people have said "don't walk away". Fair enough. I think it depends on the woman. Perhaps you should ask her: "Would you rather be alone?" If the woman says "yes" but doesn't mean it and is then pissed at the husband, I would say she brought it on herself. Your typical husband is incredibly supportive but he cannot read minds.



I know I will not be popular for saying what I am about to say, but I think it needs to be said. (Ken132, I don't know you or your wife so I have no idea what applies in that particular case.) I also want to note that I DO think husbands should be supportive.


I know there are lots of women who go through tough ordeals, but I can't help but think that many are milking it a little or a lot.


You should know that my wife agrees with me. She was working 15 hour days until due date minus three. Sure, her legs were killing her. Sure, she would be quite short tempered and annoyed. But she sucked it up and got on with it. What was she supposed to do, stop working? We didn't have that luxury.


As noted, there are some women who really are depressed. But there are lots who perhaps should take a deep breath and move on but have the "I'm pregnant, feel sorry for me" thing going. If nothing else, if you stay busy you have less time to think about stuff. 200 years ago, would the farmer's wife stop milking the cows, working in the fields, etc, because she was depressed? Nope. She just kept on working.



"I was so furious with my hubby for his lack of support that I took my newborn back to Sydney for 2.5 months without him."


To be quite honest I would be quite unsupportive if my wife went away for 2.5 months with one of my daughters, newborn or not. I know quite a lot of women in HK go "home" all summer and leave their husbands alone to work. I find it awful and so does my wife.

Hi all


Thanks for all of your thoughts and comments - and after calming down and reading these, it's good to know that other people have experienced the same - I was beginning to think that I was the only one! Its just when I was talking my friends who have become mothers and fathers, it seemed that their experience was a happy one - or maybe I have just been fed the sanitized version?


I did go back and apologize for walking out like that and yelling and today seems to be better - although she is still blue.


I do feel depressed and can't help thinking that it is not normal - it should be a joyful situation. In any case, will continue to try to be the "punching bag"


Thanks for all the advice and views.

ken132, I have sent you a pm.

Hi Ken123


Are you being the best friend/hubby/dad to be/person you can? (And that's alot of hats)


Then... you are doing great! Keep up the good work!


As for "maybe I have just been fed the sanitized version" this is a definite possibility, I remember post pregnancy feeling like I had joined a secret club - "We have survived (and hopefully enjoyed) pregnancy and the 1st 3 months of baby's life.


For me lots of things happened that no one ever told or should I saw warned us about, it seemed like an unspoken rule to not mention challenging things with "newbie" parents.


The reality is sometimes it can be really tough however it is all absolutely worth it and adds to this wonderful tapestry called "parenthood" - oh such a cliche....


Hire a funny movie or better still go out to the movies and have a good laugh together.


Take care, don't give yourself a hard time, you are doing the best you can - and so it she.

My major thing is the veins in my legs, I am devasted at how bad my legs look, it was the one thing I have always been proud of on my body and now they look like a 90 year olds!! My husband also can't understand it and said it's not that noticeable, let me tell you, IT'S HIDEOUS!!!



Neenib, How TRUE! I took a look at my legs and those viens just getting so noticeable - help!!!!

Hi all


Well, an update: we now have a healthy bouncing bundle of joy! We are both very happy, but as expected, wife is now having the baby blues (which I am praying does not turn into post natal depression).


She does feel unhappy for no reason and has been dredging up past unhappy incidents in our lives that make her (and me) feel worse. Of course adding to this is the worries of trying to regain her figure. She has become reclusive (she is naturally the introverted type) and when we have friends and relatives around, she stays in the room and refuses to come out (maybe it is because she feels unattractive?).


On the positive side, she does brighten up when she has the baby around, and she is trying to be more cheerful, and I have made extra effort to be more attentive to her.


I am thinking of us taking a short break together for 2-3 days in about 6 weeks time, but not sure if it is a good idea to do this with or without the baby? Thing is, I know I will miss him like crazy.


(or if it is even advisable at all to take a 2 month baby on a trip or if it is safe to leave with the mother-in-law!)


I have been trying to discourage so many people to come around right now until she is ready.

Ken... hope you and your wife are doing better. Does she have friends that are also new mothers? You should encourage her to join some mommy baby groups so she can relate to other people. I was blissfully happy with my baby but still needed lots of support and getting to b*tch to other moms was a great way to get over myself.


Also, your wife should know that it take at least 3 months to get back into some shape of her former self! Most new mom feel quite unattractive in the first few months even if everyone else thinks they look great!


Also, my husband and I have a very good relationship but in the first few month after the baby we did argue more. It's inevitable with the change in lifestyle and the sleep deprivation.


It should get better slowly... and just wait till your baby cracks their first BIG SMILE at you :) It's well worth it.

Congratulations Ken! I hope all is going well for you, your wife and new bub. I hope your wife is coping okay.


Personally I would be hesitant about going away without the baby as it just may add to the blues if you and/or your wife pines for the baby.


I just delivered our new bundle a few weeks ago and when the blue set in I started freaking out thinking it wouldn't go away and I was in for another bout of PND, but I have been making sure I am open about how I feel and of course I have my bad days, but i am cautiously optimistic.


Just have your wife sleep as much as she can when the baby is asleep to try to recharge the batteries.


I wish you all the best and let us know how you are both going!