When your partner wants to adopt a child

Hi. I'd like to seek both men and women's opinions. I'm reaching near 40 soon and I'm starting to feel pressured to make a proper decision as to whether or not to have a baby. My partner is much younger than me and doesn't feel ready to have a child yet. When he is ready, he'd like to adopt a child as there are so many children in this world who need care. I absolutely agree with him in principle, but I also cannot give up an idea of having our own baby. He doesn't like me to talk about it too often as he feels pressured. He is a wonderful partner in all other aspects but he is kind of avoiding to have a serious discussion on this matter which upsets me. How did other couples deal with such a serious matter when there is a disagreement between the two?

While age is not a factor in my situation, I have had a conversation about this too.


In my opinion - you don't have time to wait for him to 'be ready to talk about it'. You seriously need to sit down and discuss it. I understand you not wanting to pressure him into it, but if he is thinking about NOT having biological children with you, it's something you need to know about right now. Perhaps he doesn't want any, and you might be fine with that - or you may want to consider your options.


I think that while it is unfair to pressure anyone into having children - it is equally unfair for one partner to hold out on the other (that is, not admit to not wanting children), particularly when time is not on your side.


I sat down to discuss this with my partner at the time and basically I asked: I know you don't want children right now, but do you see yourself wanting children in the future (with me). If you know you definitely don't, then I need to know about it now. I can't go on thinking that you may want children to find out too late (for me, biologically) that you don't want children.


Should he have said no, I don't know what my course of action - I guess you would have to weigh up whether this partner means more to you than the prospect of you having children. And, of course, it leads you to reconsider your relationship... which is a hard thing to do especially when he may be perfect in every other way.


Aside all of this, if you cannot sit down together to discuss it, I would recommend you speak to a therapist given this is a big ticket issue in your life.


Best wishes.

a tough one -but I have several friends who put the relationship first and did not have achild to comply with the BF's wishes and when that ended they had neither partner nor child.....

Partner ??? Does it mean you two are not married yet ?


If so, go to get registration first if you want to adopt a child !!!

The adoption process can take a very long time. When i first broached the adoption issue with my husband when we were first married, he didnt quite agree but over time he understood and agreed with me. I share the same thoughts as your partner. However, the difference is that we plan to have a child once we get matched. So maybe it is easier for my husband to accept the thought of adopting a child. However, recently, my husband has been having second thoughts about us having a biological child. He's beginning to think that adopting children is good enough.


Anyway, whatever it is, sit down and talk this through first.

Thank you everyone for giving me your thoughts and advice. Recently, my partner and I have started discussing the matter more openly. We also did realise that it'd be difficult to adopt a child without registering a marriage so we're taking this matter into consideration too. We haven't agreed on when to have a child and whether or not to have our biological child but we'll keep discussing. Thank you again.

Its something to discuss seriously with your partner.

He can have a baby anytime - not just with you.


The reality is:


He loves you (but not enough to want to have a baby with you).