Posted by
axptguy38
16 yrs ago
"My wife, on the other hand, is acting a little 'special'. She basically hates me. Everything I do is wrong, I annoy her, she goes out of her way to get angry at me & be rude to me."
The general thing you are describing is not uncommon. Your wife is very tired and she may feel she is not in control. She is definitely overreacting though.
"The examples of this are. I suggest we go out to dinner (I am a jerk). I suggest we stay in, have a nice bottle of wine & play chess (jerk), I suggest a movie (jerk)."
While she is overreacting, she may be so tired she can't see straight and you are suggestion extra activities that will make her even more tired. Not saying you are a jerk, just how her logic circuits are probably working right now.
Since she refuses to get help or speak to you, you have a few choices:
- Do everything exactly as she says and hopes that mollifies her. Eventually she may soften up to the point where you can talk.
- Give her an ultimatum and tell her calmly that she is throwing away your marriage. Tell her that you want to help but you can't do that if she doesn't talk to you.
- Recruit help from her mother. Tell mother-in-law that you really want to make her happy but everything you do seems to be wrong.
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hmm this sounds eerily familiar. my advice to you is to just help out with the baby as much as you can. i definitely felt less "angry" at hubby when i saw him playing, cuddling or changing baby's nappies. but the fact is, at this age, babies just need their mummies and dads are pretty much left out. leaving mum feeling like she's doing everything and dad's not doing anything!
also, mum's hormones are completely off the radar at this stage, combined with the possibility of post-natal depression, it's a pretty rough time for everyone. my friends is going through the exact same thing right now, i am quite relieved to hear that it is normal.
also, i agree with xpatguy - do exactly as she says. i would also add, try not to argue or challenge her unless you have a death wish. and from my experience the best thing to do is be as hands on with the baby as possible as this lets her feel less isolated and that you are supporting her (in a practical way).
2 months post partum is really tough. however it will definitely pass.
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I would go with sashimi girl's advice as a complementary to axptaguy's APART from the setting ultimatum thing. You never set a woman an ultimatum especially when her mood is like the one you describe. Ahh, also about asking her mum to help and stuff, that might just re-enforce her statements about you, how useless and selfish and so on you are.
Bite your lips and help as much as you can even if it looks like the most stupid and pointless thing to do.
Welcome to fatherhood.
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"I would go with sashimi girl's advice as a complementary to axptaguy's APART from the setting ultimatum thing. You never set a woman an ultimatum especially when her mood is like the one you describe. Ahh, also about asking her mum to help and stuff, that might just re-enforce her statements about you, how useless and selfish and so on you are."
Well, I just think that when the woman threatens divorce like that she might do something she may later regret. But I agree that the best course of action is probably to just go with the flow and help out as much as possible without complaint. If the situation doesn't change within a couple of months though...
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dadda, what was it like before she had the baby? were you guys doing just fine, or is it something that started before and just escalated? just wondering...
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well it sounds like you are doing everything right. i would hate for that little boy to grow up without you too! i would definitely sit tight while your wife continues on her post partum emotional rollercoaster / horror ride. for what it's worth, i think i checked out of crazy land at about 6 months post-partum. but everyone is different. the point is, i think all mums definitely get back to "normal" sooner or later. good luck... :)
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is there anyone (axptguy said - her mother maybe?) who can talk to her and try to get her to go see someome? it is scary, i was sort of thinking that if it PND happens to you, you would know it.. I guess she does not really see it that way? All I can say - try to get her to see a specialist - i really dont know how but for your little boy's sake...
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I can understand post partum depression, but this seems to have gone way out of control. If she has depression, she needs to get help. Doing nothing but accommodating her is not "help".
There's a fine line between having it tough and being a b***h.
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yes dadda, what you have just described sounds like much more than PND. although to be true to any situation, there is always two sides of the story. who knows what is going on in that head of hers in this state? anyway, it seems unfair to draw any conclusions now as there are SO many possible contributing factors to this behaviour like.... PND, stress, sleep deprivation etc etc. of course, if she were acting like this not being so soon after delivery, it would be safe to say she is acting like a b***h. (for lack of a better word really....)
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"PND, stress, sleep deprivation etc etc. of course, if she were acting like this not being so soon after delivery, it would be safe to say she is acting like a b***h. (for lack of a better word really....)"
I still think she is way over the line. Sure, there are two sides to every story, but being tired and depressed is no excuse for the behavior described.
Not accepting help isn't very nice of her either.
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AKKY
16 yrs ago
pnd is an illness of the mind, she can't control it, so you must be patience during this tough time. i know because i when through it myself. your wife really need you during this time....even if she kick and scream at you she still want you to be around. the husband is the only person who can really help with pnd. you should give her your support by firstly not hating her for it. secondly, help her out with all the chores around the house and the caring of the baby and finally let her go out alone/or with her friends so she'll have time away from the child while YOU take care of the child. hope this help
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Glad for you dadda. Hope it works out.
"pnd is an illness of the mind, she can't control it, so you must be patience during this tough time. "
It is a sickness (no argument), and tus she needs medical help. Not getting help when you are sick is not reasonable behavior.
dadd has been patient. He has offered to help. He seems to be doing everything he can. She figuratively spat in his face. Before you call me a typical man my wife agrees with me that her behavior is unacceptable. As I said before, there's a fine line between having it tough and acting like a b***h. Not saying she isn't sick, just that we all suffer occasionally but it is possible to try to suck it up. She seems to just be wallowing in her misery and demanding that her environment accept it. This will hardly make her feel better. If I behaved even remotely like that when I was sick my wife would quite rightly tell me to shut up and soldier.
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you have got other kids? was she like this after any of the pregnancies? I guess not? again, just wondering.. Good luck!
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i don't think we can talk about someone having a mental sickness (PND) and then go on to say she is not behaving reasonably... that's part of the mental sickness isn't it? often when ppl are in these pickles, thinking/behaving reasonably is the last thing they are capable of, which includes recognising a problem and/or getting help. i agree that the behaviour is unacceptable, but my point is, she isn't likely to want to get help if her behaviour is this irrational because that wouldn't seem rational in her irrational (PND) mind! (?)
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Sorry dadda. I know you closed it but I feel a need to respond to Sashimi Girl.
Fair enough Sashimi Girl, but at that point it is time for an intervention or everybody just gets stuck in a vicious cycle.
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Hi Dadda,
I'm sorry to hear that both you and your wife are having a hard time on top of a new baby! PND I hate to say just does not go away with time and I would recommend that you get someone in to see your wife. There are quite a few good maternity nurses/midwives that DO home visits as well as safety checks. I really do feel for you as you seem to want to provide a caring, secure enviornment for your son albeit not being in one yourself. I honestly believe in a happy parent - happy baby sort of way of looking at things and whatever works for your family, works for your family - even if this means separation. I also agree with axptguy38 - this sort of behaviour is largely unacceptable and the best thing for everyone would be an intervention. Good Luck!
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I haven't read everyone's posts but 'll tell you, I had a nice dose of PND after our wonderful (now 15 month old) baby was born and was seriously contemplating handing the kid to his dad, packing my bags and leaving...problem was I didn't know where I could go and that made me more depressed than before...
1 in 5 women experience PND but only 1 in 5 of those women get help which leaves a lot left to suffer alone either through denial that there is a problem or silence due to the stigma.
A few sessions a week for a couple of months with a lovely psychologist and I was feeling mostly better but most importantly, she made me realise that I had a right to feel how I was feeling and I should accept that I felt how I felt and I had to work with that rather than feeling worse because I thought how I feel was 'wrong'.
Getting help is the key to a swifter recovery with fewer longer lasting side effects but I don't think an intervention by itself would do much more than make your wife feel cornered.
Perhaps you can take bubs for a few hours and send your wife out for a massage and a pedicure or something luxurious like that to make her feel a little more human. Having babies is tough on the body and the mind!!!
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I reacted in a way similar to your wife after my son was born. Part of it was post-partum depression. I definitely felt like I hated my husband. I wanted to divorce him. I tried to leave. I felt like I was losing my mind. Different women cope differently. What your wife is doing is not nice and not right and not fun but it is pretty normal. If she wasn't like this before your child was born, likely once she gets a little better she won't be like this later either. Her behavior is inexcusable, actually. But as you probably know, when we love people we are there for them even when they do inexcusable things.
Personally, I was a total mess for the first five months of my son's life and my husband went through hell. What helped me was this: stopping breastfeeding, losing some weight, talking with some friends and praying to Jesus--that's it.
I hope that your wife will recover well and that you will choose to love the unlovable her until she gets there.
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