Posted by
packetman
19 yrs ago
Hi.
This might sound like a frivilous issue but I'm going insane. Myself and my gf have been on and off together for the past 3 years. When the relationship is good it's the best, better than it ever was with anyone else. However when it's bad it's the pits. Usually our arguments are triggered by her emotions. She's an extremely emotional lady and anything can change her emotional state. It could be hunger or stress or tiredness or work load or time of the month. I feel like I'm in a relationship with 10 different women at the same time and I never know which one is going to be top of the queue on any day. I can't relax in the relationship. We've tried to talk and she says it's just her and I need to accept it and she doesn't do it on purpose. I know she doesn't but I'm at the end of my wits. I have even suggested counselling but at the end I really don't know how much use it will be for us. Her moodiness is killing the relationship slowly. Is it my fault? I talk to my other male friends and they seem to have had similar issues but it doesn't make me feel any better. We're trying to work things out but I don't know how we can have a stable relationship in the future. I'm sure some folks will tell me I'm over-reacting but honestly my blood boils when the moods arrive and I just wanna run for the hills or go drinking to calm myself.
help!
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try counseling. it will clarify matters for both of you. be prepared to exert serious effort and self-examination in order to make the relationship work - OR to break up and move on, because you've got a lot of red flags: on and off relationship, you can't relax in it, you don't know what triggers her various moods, you can't envision a stable relationship in the future.
good luck
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shaq
19 yrs ago
Yeah! I'll suggest councilling too if you really wanna go all the way with her. Remember, when it comes to relationships, nowhere is trouble/problem/issue-free. So, deal with your ... :D.
SHAQ
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Thanks for the replies folks.
By on and off I mean we were on for two years then broke away from each other for 10 months then started "dating" again about 3 months ago with a view to a possible reunion then just last weekend the latest mood swing sent me over the edge and we haven't spoken since. I wouldn't consider her manic depressive or anything. A good sleep and she usually bounces back but she has a very low tolerance for stress. I thought possibly that medication might help because sometimes these things are chemical but gosh I don't know if I'd be ok with a woman who needed drugs to keep herself relaxed. Thanks for the bpd website. My first reaction afer glancing at the site is that it's not really that bad but I'll keep reading. Nowhere is trouble free I agree but I hate being up and down like a yo-yo with her. I don't mind mood swings every now and then but not from morning to afternoon to evening on the same day. Keep the advice coming and thanks again.
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I don't know how long has it happened to her or you have noticed it but it sounds quite familiar to me as I was also in those moods like your gf. Somebody has already mentioned about hormones but as youself has also pointed it out, stress could be a factor. So instead of getting annoyed by her moods, you might consider ways to help her get rid of them because she doesn't want to be in those moods either. I used to be very sad when I realised how annoying I was to my bf and that he did not deserve it. So I think your gf could have the same feelings as I did before.
So I would suggest to talk frankly to her to identify what are the real problems and how to solve them. If you are able to do it together with her, you will not only help her and yourself but your relationship will also get up to another level.
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Actually often there is a serious dietry issue that affects stress levels and behaviour. Why don't you get her to try this before anything else...I mean....diet is important and impacts on some more than others...if you both would like to do something about this for the sake of your relationship, it is not a bad thing to start with....also sleep patterns etc.
Honestly!
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Jay, your advice sounds good if gf can control her moods and is just bad tempered and spoilt. But, if she can't help her moods because of an emotional problem like low self-esteem, ignoring her would be the worst thing to do.
Packetman, Flabbergasted is probably on the right track with the diet. Can you suggest to your gf that she have a full check-up to see if the moods are caused by some health issue?
I know that too much coffee can cause mood swings.
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Playing the devil's advocate here - could it not be that you two are simply not fully compatible??
Maybe what you need is a woman who is more consistent with her emotions, someone who is more predictable and by the sound of your gf, she sounds anything like that.
It is possible to find women like this and for her it is possible to find men who adore the uncertainty of what they will get each day as they are similar too!! It leads to quite a volatile relationship, but a very loving one most of the time...
Perhaps you have had your wild, crazy life full of extreme peaks and troughs and now you are sub-consciously looking to settle down...
On the otherhand, what do I know!!!??
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Shady, your humor reminds me of saccharine. A little sugar is sweet but too much concentration causes a bitter-sweet taste.
What if gf is genuinely sick, would you still 'poke her with a stick'?
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Her mood swings are not your responsibility, it is up to her to get to the root of her problem. Does she even accept that she has a problem??
Personally, she sounds like a spoilt madame to me and you keep pandering to her. If she does have a bi-polar or thyrpid disorder then tell her to get off her arse and seek medical help.
Either way, you cannot continue to live like this no matter how good the 'good times' are.
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Marshmellow you hit the nail on the head. She does complain that I should be more understanding of her situation. The problems are usually work related. She says she has a very responsible job with lots of pressure and I should understand that and even comfort her. She's very driven with her career and runs her own part time business on top of everything so she's working night and day. She drives herself into the ground and I'm left to pick up the pieces in the evenings. I know the work ethic in Asia is different to the West but it's really difficult to understand why she needs to do this. I could psychoanalyse the hell out of the situation but at the end of he day it doesn't improve things. So am I the victim or the villain here dunno. When work is not in the way we actually get on really well and she's got a lot of really good qualities as a woman. We also have a lot of history together that is very difficult for both of his to throw away. Having said that I need to make a decision with my head. I did some research on a relationship councellor here in Singapore that deals with inter-racial issues. Initially she was game but when I emailed her the details she never replied. She just SMS'd me two days later saying she was thinking about the relationship and didn't think it was going to work. She can be very individualistic going off making her own decisions about stuff at times. I think she was quite spoilt growing up actually to answer that other posting. We lived together for three years and sorry if this sounds chauvenistic but guys get all wobbly about women who cook for them but I couldn't get her to lift a spoon. We had an oven that was never used. So we both feel stuck in a limbo and difficult to go or forward.
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If you were to ask her Raven girl she would say that she's not even aware that she's doing it and that she's the victim just as much as me. Which all strikes me as strange. I would say she's not emotionally mature in the sense that she doesn't seem to have control over her emotions. She doesn't freak out by throwing plates or anything like that but she has this sulky face and goes quiet in a kind of passive agressive behaviour that drives me nuts. I have no problem with someone being tired but she pushes me away emotionally when she does this. When I try to explain she just says she doesn't do it on purpose or even realise what she's doing and I should be more understanding. I really freak out and get very frusrated with her.
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Justin dude it's not leaving me with a warm fuzzy feeling inside that's for sure. If you asked me during an "episode" whether it was worth it then I'd have to say no. I'm a bit stubborn but I guess at some point I have to wave the white flag.
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Heres a poser for you __ can she not control her emotions with work colleagues, friends and the like --- or just you? Does she lash out at bosses? bus drivers? Policemen? Little old ladies who walk funny? Or just you?
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Well let's just clarify first off that she doesn't lash out. This is very passive agressive behaviour. It's more a long face and sulky look than shouting and screaming. Actually there's no shouting and screaming at all. I would trade the sulkiness for shouting any day. The moods change from morning to afternoon to evening. I feel like I'm dating 10 different people and constantly adjusting myself to each character. She once asked how her friends have no problem with her only me but of course the two relationships are oceans apart so you can't compare. I really don't know how she relates to her bosses but she can be actively agressive with other people. For her it's the only way to get things done. She's the kinda person who doesn't take sh*t from anyone and that's ok but you have to treat your partner very dufferent. The more I think about it the more I feel she's using the sulkiness to comunicate her emotional state in an attempt to received comfort in the way a child would. Scary. She hasn't really matured emotionally has she. Mmmm....
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