Posted by
sharpey
19 yrs ago
just changed a new job and earn less than before,young wife complains doesn't have enough luxurious life yet, but is it husband's fault? does anyone have same experience ? what should i do? maybe she is not mature enough or i am too mature?
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thanks Nemesis! Yes i do enjoy my new work, but i just feel sorry that i cannot satisfy her wishes such as shopping and going to high class restaurants often!And to her shopping every month seems normal to every woman cos she see women wear hi-end fashion everywhere here!
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she doesn't know that an "encouraging word" from the wife is the "best medicine" in bad times! But i receive whinge again and again instead, that's why sometimes i prefer not to tell her my feelings! Cos she expects marriaged life should be "rich and smooth" all the time!
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she said future is not important as long as she can enjoy luxurious life when she is young(but i don't know she means before 40 or 50 and may change from time),she prefer spends all income instead of saving a bit for future!And she doesn't know that when she aware that by the time she need to save maybe too late cos things are not smooth as you wish!
She always say you see so many young ppl having nice car and things,she just envy others,but she won't listen that i say things are not as simple as what you see and you don't even know them!Maybe they've saved up for a long time or born rich!
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Er, did she show signs of being a shallow brat when you were dating?
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That depends on your "understanding" when you married her.
If you fell for each other because you were soulmates, remind her that you are still you and you can have a rich life together without all the material things. I am a beliver that money does not buy happiness. Happiness is dependent on the attitude you have in life.
On the other hand, if you were a baliding middle age guy and she was a pretty young thing and you like the way her butt wiggles, and she was impressed by the "cash you flash"...... then GET HOPPING and make some real money dude and earn your keep.
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fortunately that i still look like 30s even i am mid 40,and some of her friends said she looks even older than me! But my mind is still energetic! She is always like 3 yrs old when besides me even she is already 27 , cos i take care of her from head to toe!Is it my fault? And i like to take care someone and i care about her everything!
I know that when you care someone too much, you might spoil her , i donno, i just want her happy!
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i know its difficult to direct her away from the material things now,at the first time i will buy her luxurious thing only on special occasion such as birthday and valentine's day, but now she doesn't need a reason to have them,she just want it regularly,for mature person , we know when to stop,but for her, she can never stop and she can only drive forward!
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The point isn't who looks older. Did you marry her for her looks. If you did, you got what you bargained for. So live up to your end.
If you didn't,then you have other things in common and this will all blow over once she get used to her new budget.
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thank you all of you who give very precious and positive opinions, but i think she is already addicted to "hi-end fashion" just likes someone addicted to drug!here should have a hospital or treatment for "famous brand addicted ppl",is there anybody know how to let her know that "fashion" and "rich" is not the only thing to live happy?cos she still think its my fault not to earn more for her expenses! i feel headach everytime i think of this,its really not easy to change another person's character even she saw all the threads here and she still think she is right!
i know that even i borrow money to satisfy her one time and she will complain very soon,it will never stop!i know that when she just arrived here 3 yrs ago is not like that,she felt happy when shopping in normal shop or even china market!what's wrong with china market? Now she has many "collection" but still feel unhappy!Its a common sense that we cannot go to french restaurants all the time, normal food is still food!
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cym
19 yrs ago
wow she is so materialistic.Tell her to go get a new job!Its not tough being the nread winner.Why is this city so materialsitic.
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Do you think she is truly happy in the marriage?
She might be masking some unhappiness, insecurity and depression through habitual high-end shopping..
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she simply things that fortune is a gift after marriage, she never works and thats why she never know that environment can be from good to bad and can also be from bad to good, she doesn't want to face it and hear it,she just ask me to find a job with better pay!I really don't know what's in her mind besides having a luxurious dream!I've told her that marrige is like a full course dinner that you cannot only choose the main course and give up the others!But she never listen!She said that if i cannot give her what she wants why marry her?
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Tell her to get off her arse and earn her keep. She sounds like spoilt cow to me.
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i did promise her good life after marry,but good life doesn't mean only shopping,and we are still live better than 3 yrs ago!If in the future i make less money and can not give her what she want besides basic stuff,i'll have nothing to say even she'll leave me!If i know there is a long hi end shopping list before marry,i will think again carefully!Cos i know that i cannot print money!
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Hi Sharpey, sorry to hear about your problems. Be very careful. My ex wife became very material and high life addicted. In the long run before I divorced her it cost me a lot of money. I had to work weekends etc just to keep her happy. Just an idea before things get bad and feelings get hurt. Try a trick on her and see how she reacts. Tell her that you have to really budget because a debt from the past has caught up with you, or something similiar. Live right on the bread line for a week or so. If she truelly loves you she will stand by you. If she doesn't you know she is a gold digger and need to be dumped straight away or you will end up living a life of misery. Always fearing that if you don't give her what she wants she will go off with another. They are plenty of woman here who are sexy and honest, you just have to look for them that all.
Hope it helps
Cheers
Weelee
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after a serious talk with my wife, i believe that she really loves me and need me thats why she married me but on the other hand she is just expecting too much here in this city,but in reality,life here might not be as good as her expectation!Moreover she has too much time and cannot find a job to spend the time due to her qualification in Europe doesn't match the requirement here unless she finds an european employer who can hire her for simple office work and now she is learning cantonese and some chinese cooking to spend her time instead of thinking only shopping, but sure shopping is still her major hobbies,hope she can understand that life is full of UP and DOWN and she needs to be strong enough to face it and not to escape it!Its really not easy for her to do so as she is still not mature enough but this is also one of reason why i like her!
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Sharpey--
I don't understand-- one of the reasons you "like" her is because she is still not mature enough???
Geez, what are you complaining about then ???
If you "enjoy" her immaturity, then I would assume that you don't exert enough effort in trying to encourage her to find work or do something meaningful with her time. How can she be strong enough to face the ups and downs of life if you encourage her being a 27-year old brat?
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as i said marriage is a full set dinner, i have to accept both her mature and non-mature side,as i told her how other ppl say about her character,ofcourse she will not accept immediately, but black is black white is white,sooner or later she will inderstand some of the threads that you guys mentioned hopefully!I dare not expect she will change right away,but atleast it is a good beginning! A good communication!
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True that marriage is about accepting her entire being, faults and all. But I bet you would like to see her grow out of this immaturity. And soon.
If I may ask, what are you doing to encourage and motivate her to do something more meaningful in her life?
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do you have any good suggestion?
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Find out what her passion is. What drives her?
What is she good at?
What are her hobbies?
What makes her truly happy? Surely it is not shopping alone..
When she was working, what did she enjoy doing the most?
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surely shopping makes her excited!
she likes learning languages,cooking chinese dishes
and reading, she reads a lot!
she likes to dress good and have afternoon hi tea,dinner in high class restaurants,she said she feel more confidence with that and she also likes manicure and pendicure often in saloon!But unfortunately she cannnot enjoy as she wants that makes her angry!Besides she likes keeping the home clean and tidy!
And she never has any working experience yet cos she just married me right after graduated!
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Make her join organizations like YWCA, AWA and other civic groups. They have lots of activities that involve learning Cantonese, cooking lessons, AND COMMUNITY WORK.
http://hongkong.asiaxpat.com/directory.asp?cat=203&sub=41
Maybe if she starts doing volunteer work for charities, she will find meaning and fulfillment outside the shopping malls.
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i will let her know about your suggestion,but i don't know if she likes to join such kind of activities, cos seems she doesn't like to meet ppl with no common subject,sure i believe she will have another thinking after helping the others but its hard for her to begin at this moment! If i were her i will surely try.She still believes that the girl who carry a $120,000 handbag must feel extremely happy!OOp!
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last night we had a big argument due to the things i wrote here"she still believes that the girl who carry a $120,000 hangbag must feel extremely happy", she behaves like mad and throw away the soup she cooked for me and she removed all of our wedding pic away,the main reason is if i cannot make her dream come true before she is 30(her target is 1 $50000 Hermes hangbag,a diamond ring which is over 1 carat and a luxurious watch which is about $50000),i told her that even i have that money i would suggest her to save it or invest in somewhere useful, but she start crying and yelling that i ruin her life,honesty i have spent $3 on her on every $10 i've made last year which is almost $200,000,(which is 3 times more than to myself)obviously it is far away from her target,but she never considered that is already a lot to my income,sure i've make some promises to give her good fortune,but if the environment changed that is it my fault? last month she still has her new versace jean but before she wear it she already start complaining not enough luxurious shoes to match(she has more than 10),god you have your problem to match nice cloths so what about me? should i not going out without a pair of shocks to match? but she never listen!
i told her that i'll never forgive her if she remove our wedding pic away which means that she never care our family and our wedding anymore,she then put them back and start crying and whinging that i ruin her life, god i've fulfull more than just a husband, give her nice accomodation,food,clothes and even i make bird's nest for us one a week,what did i do wrong? i work hard to struggle for my family, and what have she done as a wife? wake up late,no need to cook,sometimes shopping and hi tea,enjoy studying!how dare she said that i ruin her life, i do want someone "ruin my life" like that seems she totally don't understand what is the meaning of"ruin"?
i couldn't sleep at all last night and today i still need to work that i feel extremely bad and tired!What have i done to derserve this? no one even ask of am i ok? that's what i spent for?
what can i do?
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Sharpey,
Even if you choose to buy those things she listed before she turns 30, her wants will never end. Next thing you know, her taste in high-end fashion has gone over the moon and you have to file for bankruptcy to keep her from going mad.
Are you still happy giving in to her every whim?
I know I'm not answering your question directly because I think no amount of advice here will change your wife's attitude.
I think you have to find out the bottom issues of her childish behavior.
Would you consider counselling?
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i fully agree with Nemesis. it takes two to tango. u created something that now scares you. u are partly to blame, coz u spoilt her. she cant easily change her attitude because you allowed her to be like that and now you suffer the consequences. if above threads still wont work, why dont u ask yrself... are u still happy with the marriage? if not, the answers are all in your hand, not in your pocket... goodluck!
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she NEEDS you (material wise) more than she loves you. true love is unconditional, depsite how much you give her. unfortunately not all of us can do it. i'm sure a handful of us here will agree. and very often, we take it upon ourselves to fail to recognise someone loves us with a condition. sure she loves you, but ask yourself if she'll still stick around should you be penniless one day. sorry to be harsh here but people are often in denial. ask yourself those questions then decide to walk out or stay. if you choose to stay, then blame no one and stop whining.
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Sharpey,
I understand that you are in love with your wife, but as we all can see (as the outsiders), she only loves you for material things, her love for you is a good example for “conditional love”, This woman is dangerous; if you don't leave her now, she will eventually leave you for someone of bigger wallet, so why losing your money, energy and younger age happiness for a woman who will still be leaving you, despite how much you try to please her. So you better act fast!!
Hey if this can encourage you, one of my Australian teachers told me that for each and every man, woman, gay or lesbian exist, there are 12 people in our world to fit in his/her life, so if this is your first marriage then you still have 11 doors to knock..
So move on man!
Yours
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hope you signed a pre-nup
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sharpey, liek others said, it takes two to tango. on one hand, she wronged u and manipulated you materialistically, on the other hand, u used her to satisfy ur own BIG EGO, maybe u should try getting that "im the bread winner" and those "heroic pamperer of my little naive dependent wife" MAN feelings out of ur head as to understand why n how u dragged urself into this mess... she needs to grow up, so do u.
If u r no where close to what i have described, then... move on, she doesnt worth u and ur time.
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lulu
19 yrs ago
i started to feel sharpey is taking the piss or giving us a good laugh. I cannot beleive in reality there are women in Hong kong still like that if they married someone who is only working on a job!
Joking aside, there are still many girls living in fish-ponds and believe what they should have with all the latest brand around and they should wear what they saw in the gossip magazines.
Sharpey, i think you do enjoy spending on her and let her to live like that. You just want to tell people how you spoiled your wife and how happy she is. peroid.
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I agree with Rouge.
Give her an allowance. Expect though to eat instant noodles every night if this allowance covers food and groceries.
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Well in response to your quote" A girl who carries a 120 000 dollar handbag must feel extremely happy"
I get quite a laugh when I go to Ngee Ann City (Singapore)sometimes and see the women sporting their thousand dollar bags (SGD).At least half of them are carrying bags that are screaming I'm Branded, Look at me! but are actually ugly. I wouldn't pay that kind of money for such ooogly bags.
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thank you so much for all of your concern,but devorce at this stage is out of my consideration,cos i still believe that one day she will grow up and face the reality that a beer will never change to a champagne!I am who i am and i will not change to another person who can satisfy her expensive dream! She just married a poor husband!
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sharpey, since you've made up your mind, sincerely all the best to you.
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being a mature and responsible husband,i cannot just put her to" return to sender" like an spoilt and outdated product,her parents trusted me and let her come a long way to me,now we have a problem(but not deadly),i cannot just kick her back with this reason,same as you'll never abandon your spoilt child even you feel upset and exhausted again and again,the most important thing is don't let the child abuse you,stand firm in your position,hopefully the child will understand atlast!She promised me that she'll never do things like throw away the soup again,she really regrets for that silly act!I believe that she's got my message and also you guys' message, hopefully we can work out,i know its gonna be a long way! our parents always say that "it only takes a day to
become bad,but it takes 3 yrs to become good",many young ppl still thinks that gold is everywhere when they just arrive cos they see beautiful things everywhere! but when they try to dig it,they'll see they can only find rocks most of the time!
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I wish you good luck sharpey. Hope your problems will soon be solved. I totally agree with you, leaving your wife just because there is some problem between you two, would have been a silly decision. I also had very serious problems with my husband but we solved it but never this thought came across that we should get seperated just because we are having problems. I dont understand why and how do people give this kind of advice. Getting seperated is not a solution to every problem. I wish you all the luck and happiness.
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I hope you get things sorted out soon. Be firm with your resolution and stand up to her when she acts up. Cheers!
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thank you very much for your advise,we tried to look for any job consultant agency,but we don't see any local company who need such a post,pls. if possible try to give me more information of how to find such kind of companys, any particular web site or newspaper to look for them? also someone mentioned that she can set up her own personal shopper? does any one work as a personal shopper here? how does it work out? thanks a lot!
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bbg21
19 yrs ago
good luck. Hope you earn more money before she run into a new rich husband
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how do i know which company needs a staff?
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There are some people they just love that kind of life,buying expensive things and eating in nice restaurant,that is the way they understand the world,so please be cheerful,this is nothing called middle age crisis.
Good luck.
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yes you're right,we are kind of ppl who like to enjoy the quality of life,there is nothing wrong with it for sure, but i just want her to understand that life should be flexible!We should be able to live under different conditions!I just want her to understand that enjoy what's around her first before she can afford to get a new toy!And i am so happy that i can have wonderful chinese soup from an european wife!I know that she is growing a bit mature even slowly!We'll check the chamber of commerce of her country to get more inf,thanks.
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she can be english tutor too. i know some europeans teaching english in learning centres wihtout any qualification or work visa or id,they make / charge hk250-300/ hr.
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ofcourse no,even a 3 yrs old kid knows that a 2nd job is not the key to the problem at all,coz we are not lack of necessities! Now she just cry all day and whinge that its not a life without luxurious shopping monthly,and all those high class shoes she got are not for daily etc etc...now i fully experience my wedding life!
i think we need a counselling, any suggestion here?
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Sharpey, ever heard of the expression " Flogging a dead Horse" I know that I am pointing out the obvious but you only have one life, this is no dress rehersal! No Repeats! From the messages made above do you beleive that counselling will help your Wife?? Out of curiosity did you try the trick I mentioned earlier about telling her you've no money?? At least this will determine if she loves you or the life style you have been giving her. As for counselling. Counselling is not a miricle cure to your problems. Don't get me wrong I am not putting down couselling. Counselling is very good, but all that it does is teach you skills to solve your problems. It doesn't actuall solve your problems. So Look in the mirror dude and ask " What am I going to do? Live a life of misery and fear or am I going to do something?"
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ofcourse i've repeated many times that i've no money,but she said she will never leave me even i have no money but she will give me bad face all the time,its too "funny" to me such an answer was given by a smiling girl that i used to see!She said she cannot go back and face her relatives etc,obviously she do care very much how ppl said around her(even those don't know her),(i said why don't you bring all your chanel and show them!),seems if she cannot prove that the mine(me)she finds that is "gold",then she cannot face her relatives and those laughing and complain! (If i need to live with criticism of others,i'm probably not a human any more!god we're not going out without pants!Take a look at her wardrode,its not a palace but its more than normal to me!)So i've married not only her and also those criticism from others,never ending comparison never ending shopping and comparison...if in that case even money can never solve her problem!
I was caught in the trap!Really!
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bonna
19 yrs ago
Sharpy,
I thing most of the people in this thread have tried to tell you what they thought
is right for you to do (DIVORCE). No need of any more suggestion.
But Lucky her, you are the only one who could take any action,
So, WE (me and my friends hear) who keep on following this thread, we would
Like to thank you for bringing up this issue, cuz your issue has taught us to appreciate
Our loved once, and what do they mean to us. Sorry about this
But, honestly your wife worth a sh*t, she is irritating, God. any how do what you want!!!!
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what i want to get from counselling is i want her to listen to someone intelligent,reasonable and not from my side,i just want a fair judgement that did i really ruin her life to bring her here!
God this is the first month she can only buy a good day cream and a $500 casual shoes and i even promise her a Chanel sunglass end of the month,but still whinging that life here is worse than in europe,but how worse? i want her to write clearly black and white how she lives there and how she lives here,can she really live better?i cannot say here coz she can say dinning in a nice restaurant is worse than eating potato at home,there is no meaning to argue with ppl. that don't like to face black is black,white is white!
Honesty i am really living a life of fear,and she is living a life of "poor" as she regards.She even asks me to change my job for better income,god i have to give up all those yrs effort to take a totally new adventure? Working is not a joke!If fail,i am the pnly one to blame for sure!
She totally don't care about my feelings,she thinks thats good for me!On the other hand she complain i don't care about her feelings that not listen to her advise.My advise to her to get a job to earn her pocket money is like to ask her to go to hell,sure i did promise her my wife doesn't need to work,but if she wants to work, i think thats not a bad idea! Finally i have given up to celebrate my birthday with her next week,cos i don't have the mood,there's nothing worth to celebrate at such circumstance.
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Hey sharpey, I don't like being negative or to makefun of the situation, But are you for real??? Your thread has indeed provoked a good response; so is it a wind up or are you really that soft and slow? If it is true, you seriously need to do something or you will still be writing this thread on your 60th birthday and perhaps steven Speilburg will make a movie from it. But seriously, this thing will destroy you and from what I have learned so far about asia, it is no kind of place to live if you have no money. At least in the UK they will house and feed you when your old. But here you'll end up living in Mong Kok under a bridge in a Welcome cardboard box. Either that or you will become ill with stress and fatigue and then your little puss in boots will have to break a nail and work and support you, but from the sounds of it, she will probably dump you and run for the hills to a richer sugar daddy.
So Sharpey prove to us that instead of going round in circles you are moving forward
Best of luck, you need it.
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i dare not think what will happen to me when i am sick or old,it might be as you say that i'll end up living in Mongkok under a bridge in a Welcome cardboard box if i keep on spending like before,its a horror and tragedy to me! I know i need to treasure everything while i still can work! Thanks for your advice!
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So Sharpey, Sounds to me as though you are a bright person. Treat it as a project at work. Write down the Pros and cons and come up with a plan of attack with a timing plan. Remembering to put in the old "milestones to proove that your reaching the targets
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actually she goes back to her country once a year,but every time she can get used to the live back there without any complain!
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lulu
19 yrs ago
rouge,i am not LO. ok? My english is not as good as her, right?
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people plz ... lets stay focused here.
sharpster you seem like a nice guy in a tight spot - Don't worry yourself so much . these are little obsticals.. don't make them bigger .So what you should do is this: take a little trip down to Mongkok night market , you can get grade "A"or"B" knock off's of any purse for $150 bucks.Ask them to throw in a nice box with a logo printed on it ,wrap it and walla!Add a dozen roses and an "I LOVE you card" and shez all yours ,then repeat next month.also You can get great quality watches from the main-land.
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she's your wifey and you got to make it work ....take control of the situation and handle it like a man ;)you might also get some respect from her
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bonna
19 yrs ago
heeeeyy sharpy boy!!!!!!
How is it going on with you and your gold-digger wife?
I am just curious, WHAT did you get her for Good Friday and Easter?
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very imaginative Aijin but it seems too childish!
I don't want to further spoil our spoiled relationship!
We need more time and time will prove everything!
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evohe
19 yrs ago
Dear Sharpey,
The sad truth is :
Either she is materialistic and does not love you. In which case there is not much you can do, but divorse and control how much is the damage. You may love her, so it sounds horrible, but that's the only solution, unless she calms down.
Or she is childish. Which is a difficult situation to manage. But if she loves you, she will get back to you. She is treating you as her dad, and expect everything she asks because she sees it as an expression of love. Work will show her the value of money and will help her to mature, which she seriously needs to do.
As your wife, in times of difficulties she should work with you on reducing the expenses and plan them better, to live a decent life, without singing in the MTR at the end of the month. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Modern times are showing that this notion has dissapeared.
Be firm : child or bloodsucker, she needs to stop for your own sake.
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evohe, thanks for your advice,you really know what is happening with me now and looks like you have similar experience before! I believe time will show me that what kind of person she belongs to, the 1st or the 2nd type,and it won't take too long!She feels sad nowadays coz money is really tight! I appreciate what you say about how a proper wife should be when in times of difficulties,i hope she will understand this part,this hard moment is a very good challenge to the strength of our relationship now!
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evohe
19 yrs ago
Let's say that this is quite a common situation, even if men don't openly speak about it.
Women who feel sad about the money are all the more stressed and sad that it is out of their control : you are the one bringing money home.
Deep inside, she knows she can't do anything, so she turn a blind eye and expect you to solve it, without disturbing her.
When you are generous, you want to give the one you love all the care and attention she asks for. So you feel guilty for not giving as much as you want.
Don't : you can't give that much.
Get detached, and talk to her as she is acting like : a child. Think of her as your daughter. She won't leave you, but she has to accept reality and face it. She might scream, but it won't change anything. Just ennoy you.
She want the freedom to buy without your control (because this is why she gets frustrated : you have the bad role of saying no, hence you are controling her, rather than her controling herself), the she has to get this freedom.
This is a typical teenager attitude : she wants the freedom of adults without the responsability. When you are not responsable for your life, then you depend on someone, like a child. Time to choose.
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exactly,thats what she want in her life time! Freedom to shop around! Unfornately she married a poor husband!
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lulu
19 yrs ago
sharpey...even the riches hubby might find her stupid and immature.
I think you are as well by letting her to continue to do non-sense.
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unfornately i don't even have my own house! I lost all of my savings in my old house! Highcliff? you really like kidding!
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