Why men cheat? An ex-cheater perspective.

(Apparently, the whole thread was accidentlally deleted and admin kindly requested me to put it back up. I guess the admins read it carefully and found that this post complies with the policies on this Web site. I love to see how common sense wins at the end:) )


Not funny cowboy comments this time.


After having my inbox filled with variations of this same question I have decided to take the bull by the horns and put my thoughts, using hard facts and sensible logic, on this post.


A public post about such a broad topic has to generalize and stereotype, so let me start by letting you know that I know there are exceptions to every rule. Then again, rules exist for a reason, and so do stereotypes. Consider every word in this post, then, to be preceded by “generally speaking”. Also consider that the people I am talking about are the ones in long term relationships or married.


You don’t cheat on a girl you have been dating for 3 months; she is either “the other woman” or one of a series of “playthings”. You can only create a real cheater out of a committed relationship.


Men are practical, and based on that premise I am going to show you why cheating is stupid to say the least. When you cheat you don’t know whether or not she:

- Will satisfy you or know / do what you like in bed.

- Looks just as good naked (i.e. c-sections, a bellies, saggy breasts …you get the picture).

- Has STDs.

- Will go psycho on you.


I am not done yet. Just warming up, ladies. When you do cheat you are exposed to:

- Unwanted pregnancies.

- A bitter divorce that will destroy you financially for the rest of your life.

- Losing your job.

- If your partner gets oalong well with your siblings, you may lose them, too.


…and yes, I did leave out other things, such as love, trust, and respect, because I want to show you just how unpractical cheating is.


Now you may think, and I don’t blame you, that knowing this non-nonsesical facts, any man who cheats must be out of his mind. Trust me, unless the guy is retarded he knows some of all of these facts. He knows, yet he still goes for it EVEN when the risks are so much greater than the benefits…


…or aren’t they?


Let me go directly at the jugular: Show me a cheater and I will show you a woman who doesn’t get the job done. Whether this occurs at a conscious level or not, guys cheat because they have a need that is not met at home.


Wait a second. Do not throw the kitchen sink at me yet and hear me (read me, in this case) out. I have been a cheater for years, and although I didn’t go as far as to the altar I was involved in pretty serious relationships (one for 3 years, another for 5 years, and assorted yearly relationships), featuring trips to see my family, ring shopping, the works!...and yet I cheated.


In retrospect, I realize that I cheated because my partner stopped getting the job done. I’ve cheated not from day 1, but after the relationship became comfortable enough for her not to care about taking care of her looks, or her deciding that having sex X times a week was “too much”, or that whatever she did in bed for me at the beginning was suddenly uncomfortable, or that if she cooked Mondays and Wednesdays, I have to cook Tuesdays and Thursdays.


I’ve cheated my partner with women that were ready to go when I called them. Women who didn’t need “romance” to get the job done. Women who cooked for me when I wanted, or who arranged a meeting for me to cook for them when I felt like it. Women who got the job done even if we had a bitter argument 5 minutes ago because they knew that if they didn’t, my needs will be met elsewhere.


I was with a girl once for 9 months. Never cheated once. One day, she decided to start nagging because I told her, point blank, that I didn’t feel like getting married anytime soon. She could break up with me, but instead decided to nag me into submission. I wanted to break up with her, but every time I tried a scene ensues. Eventually, her nagging caused me to leave the house, which caused me to start wandering on the streets of Wanchai, which caused me to find someone else who didn’t nag.


I have reflected my experiences into others, and found striking similarities. Talk to a guy long enough and you will find how he misses his wife back when she was 110lbs, or how much he needs to drink before he gets home so he can cope with the nagging.


Yes, cheating is totally worth because to men, whether they know it or not, cheating is a way to get what they really want, deep in their hearts. Otherwise, no man would face such high risks.


I realize that this may sound demeaning for women but that’s the way it is. Sorry, I am an honest guy and I am not going to sugar code a thing. Women always want to know the truth, so here it is: When he cheats, you must look inside yourself and see what you are doing wrong.


I know what you are going to say “well is his loss if he doesn’t appreciate me. He should respect me and love me and pay attention to me no matter what”. Well sista, before you burn your bra let me give you a soft spank in the a** so you get in touch with reality: If you have a somehow successful guy, and you don’t get the job done, someone else will.


You don’t need to worry about losing weight, or about doing that nasty thing he asks you to do, or about the implications in nagging him into doing what you want. Don’t worry baby, because someone else is going to be pleased to do the heavy lifting, if you know what I mean.


If you want to guarantee loyalty, get the job done. If you feel that getting the job done is demeaning to your condition as an equal member of society, I am sure the cats that you will have when you are 50 and lonely will love you to entertain them with stories of the feminist movement.


Now go ahead and dismiss all of this as plain BS. Make a comment saying that I have no idea about what I am writing about. Throw a comment about me being a teenage kid or a fat old guy, or about the size of my manhood. Better still, talk about me never being with a woman, or directly call me gay. Whatever it takes to make you feel better, to try to shut me up, or to call the admin to delete this post, because, after all, if we don’t talk about it, is not happening…right?


Or maybe you can raise questions. You can write about your particular case. Or you can challenge my points with fact-based statements. Maybe you can even add something I missed. Maybe, by facing the reality, you can prevent yourself, or others, to have a ruined marriage and don’t even know why did it happen.


I want to end this post by writing, once again, that I am no longer a cheated, but not because of finding Mrs. Right but because of knowing myself and what I want. Today I don’t cheat because I don’t allow a woman to make me unhappy. When a woman enters into a relationship with me, she knows what I am about, and she also knows what to expect from a relationship with me. If she changes the terms, and I don’t agree, she is out and I go for a walk in Wanchai.

Actually I deleted the entire thread as there were too many unacceptable comments... we will be monitoring this version more closely... please dont post any insults etc...


thanks

Dearest TX,


You have kindly outlined the reason why you cheated ie woman changed contract.


Can you agree some other men (ie not you), cheat for other reasons eg drunk, greedy, lonely. It is a simple question. Perhaps you could use your supreme logic to reply.

@Tinyteddy, generally speaking, nope. I disagree with your statement for the following reasons:


a) Drunk men. I have never been drunk enough to "lose it", so maybe I am wrong here, but is hard for me to believe that a man, drunk enough to realize he is doing this, will be able to maintain his erection. This doesn't mean that I haven't heard the excuse though, which I like to call "plausible deniability": "I was drunk, I didn't know what I was doing, and then it happened".


Trust me, a really drunk man will not work in bed. And a man who is not drunk enough is simply looking for an excuse in case he gets caught. Still, this doesn't mean he is happy at home. In fact, quite the contrary...how many happy men go to a bar without their partners and get drunk?


b) Greedy. If you have more than a mouthfull with your spouse, greed goes out of the window. When I have a partner, every time I leave the house I am so well serviced that I simply lack the energy, leave alone the inclination, to cheat.


c) Lonely. That is one of my points, dear. If you feel lonely with your partner is because you are with the wrong person. Now, if what you mean is to be phisically alone, not lonely (i.e. on an extended, over 3-months, business trip), then I will concede that as an exception.

Maiden’s Prayer


1 1/2 oz. dry gin

1/2 oz. cointreau

1/2 oz. orange juice

1/2 oz. lemon juice


Shake well with cracked ice, then strain into a chilled cocktail glass. And dude? Be nice.


source: esquire

@alphalau

"But of course EVERYBODY gets comfortable once in a committed relationship"

Not everybody. Only the partners of losers who don't have what it takes to boot that other person.


"even if you exercise 10 times as you did when aged 18, you will STILL pile on the weight"

Not true. Check on your local gym and get an education about exercising and losing weight. Example: My father is muscular, thin and he is on his 70s.


"it must be her fault that she failed to keep up her figure and service her partner as she should"

My thoughts exactly :)

@TX

a) Can you agree that alcohol can affect different people differently. It can make some people sleepy (physical effect); it can make some men violent (physical and emotional effect). Peanuts can kill some people and not others, depends on bio-chemistry. Although you are in control of yourself when you drink, can you accept that you have not experienced it for everyone and that other people's experiences are different according to empirical evidence?


b) Can you agree different men could have different levels of sex drive?


c) you have already agreed.


d) Could you agree that after along, long marriage (outside your experience so you will have to guess) a good meal of steak could become a little boring and you start to salivate over the sushi tray?


e) Perhaps you could imagine someone cheating by accident even? I know a guy fresh of the farm who went to Shanghai and got a bj by accident during his massage. Did he go back -no. Could he have stopped half way - he says it was physically impossible.


f) Can you imagine a new recruit keen to fit in and impress his bosses on his first trip to Asia feeling peer pressure to join in at the company trip to the brothel?

You know I wasn't there and I'm not a guy, but know this man quite well and he is very honest and yes I totally believed him. He said he got an erection under the towel and was extremely embarrassed but didn't know what to say or do so tried to wait it out but kept getting more excited, then suddenly she quipped the towel away and a few seconds later it was over. He has only ever slept with his wife and has been married for 30 years.

g) What about if your partner's long lost evil twin abducts her, keeps her in a dungeon and secretly, unbeknownst to you takes over her life and you sleep with her. Is this not another plausible reason why a man could cheat?

@Tiniteddy.


a) Then why you drink? Forget cheating. If you can't control whether you will sleep with someone, you may get STDs, or you may kill someone...give me a break! The "I was drunk" is one of the oldest excuses in the book.


b) Different people have different sex drive. I have a huge one, and I need it almost daily. If a person with a high sex drive meets someone with a low sex drive, there is a compatibility issue and they shouldn't be together. Like I said, the guy will feel unsatisfied, thus proving (once more) my point.


c) "Lonely" and "alone" are different things. You used the word "lonely" although I thought you may mean the other. A lonely person cheats because s/he is unsatisfied (lonely), which proves my point. A person on an extended business trip would be the only exception, YES, but even then the partner should come visit. I know that because I did so.


d) I haven't been in a long marriage but I can tell you this. There are things I like to change and things I don't. I have some jeans that are very old, yet they age beautifully so I keep them around for years and years. Others need to be replaced frequently. If you want to marry someone you should consider whether you are willing to be with that person ONLY for the rest of your life. If you get bored means you are with the wrong person. You get unsatisfied and you cheat, proving my point.


And nope, I don't buy the "I cheat and then I will have some excitement to meet my wife back". If that is true, why don't you tell her?


e) That's laughable. I have never been in a massage parlor with happy endings because I don't hire prostitutes. I have nothing against them but I don't pay for what I can get for free. Then again, I can afford real massage parlors.


f) I have been on those trips. What the hell, I hosted some of them! I was a new recruit when I came to Asia, and by the way, the same happens back in the West. But here is the thing: I am not hired to make friends, or to "bond"; I am hired to do a job with the best of my ability. I don't drink with workmates, and I don't actively participate in whoring parties. I go with them, I order a coke and if they put a whore beside me I chat with her or tell her to leave. Since I am a senior partner, there is little others can complain, but even when I was a new recruit I stood to my guns. This is call "Being a man" and, to be frank, I've got a lot of praise for that.


Sure some loser has to do what the boss says because he may never find another job. It has never been the case with me. I think they call this "principles".

a)So you agree some people cannot control themselves when they drink. Your advice is not to drink. You do not control them, right? My point proven again.


b) I do not think almost daily is a high sex drive. I know some guys who go whoring in their lunch break after some nooky at breakfast. So my point is proven again.


c) You have already agreed and proven my point.


d) You have agreed you have no experience in this at all, so perhaps you could agree to listen to the opinions of others who have this experience? Re your jeans - are you saying you love your old jeans BUT ALSO wear OTHER clothes?


e) See d) you have never been and have zero experience so cannot comment on if it could happen or not. My point proven again.


f) You are very manly and have never done this, but you agree that some loser (who is not you) may do this. My point proven again. The fact that your bravery in the face of oncoming prostitutes drew compliments means that refusal is rare?? Perhaps your supreme logic could answer this?


So really you have outlined why you cheat (woman is not perfect) but agreed that there are many many other reasons that men can cheat, many of which you have no experience in and no knowledge of.

so that is:


g)boys just wanna have fun

Remember this is one guy's opinion, and he can only speak for himself.


Of course you can't generalise one man's experience to the whole of the cheating population!


What is true for you, TX, may not be true for others. It is foolish to think one could understand every other person and their motivations.


As for your views on women, it seems to me that you regard them as objects for your personal satisfaction only, and when your sex drive changes in years to come, you might find yourself lonely in ways that you never knew existed.


LOL about your father being muscular and thin... how is that relevant to women? Are you uneducated about the biological differences between men and women, including a hormone called testosterone?


Essentially tinyteddy is right... boys just wanna have fun! (girls too, for that matter)


PS. What is your first language? Your English is very good, but you need to work on your prepositional errors, and the correct use of idioms ;)

I suggest a European country that has little satire, irony or sense of humor.


>>PS. What is your first language? Your English is very good, but you need to work on your prepositional errors, and the correct use of idioms ;)

Alcohol is a drug with known pharmacological effects... it’s not an allergy.


Alcohol makes you drowsy & dis inhibited. It does not make you lose control, or do things against your will.


men and women who screw around when drunk are merely dis inhibited... they’ve always wanted to do it deep down inside, but were too inhibited... after a few drinks, the inhibition is gone, and they fulfill their innermost desires. The effect is often called “dutch courage”.


if someone days they screwed someone because they were drunk, what thay are saying is... I’ve always wanted to do this, but was too inhibited, but after a few drinks, I was able”... hardly a good excuse.

I agree, it was in them before.

I agree with the disinhibitory effect, of course.

Even very drunk, one knows their own name, who they are, where they live, and the fact that they are married and maybe have children.


And my general view is: everybody is responsible for their actions.

It is NEVER a woman (or a man)'s fault that their partner cheats. It is the sole decision of the partner. They are the ones who granted themselves the right to do it. No one else.

Anything else is irrelevant to me (no matter what reasons they want to find themselves, no matter what excuse).

TX Cowboy’s view of men is rather mechanical... The reality is a lot of men will not fool around no matter how bad things are at home, while some will cheat no matter what. In a sense TX Cowboy’s own behavior disproves his point of view when he says he won’t cheat.


However, I agree with TX Cowboy, in the majority (BUT NOT ALL) cases, cheating takes place where there is a woman “not getting the job done” for her man.


Some women believe -

* he should love me for who I am

* he should accept that I’m fat now I’ve had children

* only superficial men care about women’s looks

* if he’s a cheater, nothing I can do to stop him, so why bother ?

While very noble, this is not the way things are in real life.


Couples need to satisfy each other on multiple levels - neglecting the physical aspect is a disaster because testosterone is a cruel master, and causes men to behave a certain way.


If a woman neglects her mans physical needs she opens the door for trouble. (which may or may not come in) This is not about blame or fault (There is usually plenty of blame to go around when relationships go wrong). But blaming men for being like this is like blaming women for getting PMT.... still responsible for their actions, but under the influence of hormones.



p.s.

plenty of scholarly information on alcohol here -

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Short-term_effects_of_alcohol

TX, Let me give you some hints of what cowboys say next when they have no comebacks


"Women are so ridiculous, it is not worth the effort discussing important ideas with you.. I don't get women's minds they can't see logic...I don't want to discuss this further, to be honest I have important things to do..."


Get the idea?

Here is an interesting article (written by a woman) in the Toronto Globe& Mail. It is pretty much in line with the poster's point of view. Every guy that I showed it to agree 100% and wish they wives would understand it:

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/article762694.ece

HOW INSPIRATIONAL AND THOUGHT PROVOKING....


Women are basically greedy. They want all things from one man.


While men are so simple. They want only one thing from all women.


hehe

Cowboy....


I admire your honesty and for being able to call it as you see it. I would agree that a very large proportion of the men cheat because they are not getting what they use to at home.


However as a 10 year expat now, I can tell you that I think a great deal of the cheating is supply and demand. I would see guys in Wanchai who would NEVER get a second look in the country they were from and they are rock stars in Wanchai. So gee, take a guy who is in a relationship for a while, place him in an enviorement where he is made to feel like the king stud in a porn movie and, well... let the cheating begin.


Ladies and gentlemen we can analyize this for the next 100 years. The fact is, people are different and while I realize noone siad there is one hard and fast rule of thumb for cheating, the fact is that the surroundings of their living enviorment do make a difference.


Yes, there are many men that live in HK that are devoted husbands, and thats great, but the fact is, I thinks it's a very low percentage. Take them out of Asia and the cheating stops. Mostly becuase they would never get that same attention back home from other women in their own country.


Wives, take your Cheating husbands home if you want to salvage the marriage

expat guy -

Detectives look for Motive & Opportunity. TV cowboy has focused on Motive, you are focusing on Opportunity.

It needs a bit of both.


Opportunity alone is not enough; I know plenty of men who won't fool around even though they are regular drinkers in Wan Chai simply because they have happy, fulfilling sex lives at home. They would say - what's the point ?

You cand slice it and dice it and which way, It's an individual decision that people make and I suppose we will never really know why, we can specualte all we want, listen to horror stories from men and women who have been hurt, but in the end, all we cna do is speculate why people do what they do.


So really, to ask such a question in a forum like this would tend to give those who are already hurt and distraught an even more confusing perspective.


Just my opinion

I agree there are a lot of people hurt, but it take two to tango. In most relationship problems there is plenty of blame to go around.


So, yes, a lot of women feel wronged when the husband cheats, but it's often the case that they have been wronging him somewhat by not meeting his needs for some time.


In the western hemisphere men might have suffered in silence because they had no alternative, but in Asia, Eastern Europe, Africa or Latin America, men have choices, and they can go elsewhere if they're not being "fed" at home. Hence TC Cowboy's comments about "not getting the job done"