Posted by
tia
19 yrs ago
Sorry to say, but even as a female, I would have to say if the sex was bad, I'd turf him as well.
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lulu
19 yrs ago
well i met a guy and his sex was crap. I thought i could live with it and even thought about marriage!!! but sorry NO, cannot, I dumped him. He always want me to go back (as he like my sex to him!) but no thanks, never again and i think he is disgusting now!!!
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Sex is definitely important in a relationship. Confucious would say, "If one does not enjoy sex with their present partner, one must seek their pleasure elsewhere." This likely would mean he/she would stray outside the relationship if it's still intact. Or like others said here, they dumped their lousy ex-lovers.
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lulu
19 yrs ago
So you both got a lot of biz trips but he still want to ask his ex for sex??? That's 2 different thing??!! how about you? Just an excuse. He just not happy with your sex so he make all this excuses to let him to have extra sex...think about that.
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I beleive that great sex is often about having a real connection with someone. You don't necessarily have to love them but you are both on the same wavelength and are compatible in the most intimate way.
It is no coincidence that all my past relationships have been with men that I have had great sex with. If the chemistry isn't there then it's time to walk.
The fact that this guy has told you that he wants to have sex with his ex is a real warning sign about your relationship.
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Sex with Ex. Agree with others. This is a different issue.
To add to this, this is not just about sex, there will be romance, I guarantee it. He will be personaly involved.
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lulu
19 yrs ago
82280> this is so funny. Sex with ex and no emotional involved? do you believe that? You also ask his ex how she feels? There is pure sex only with women? No, I dun think so.
If you really want him to be happy and complete, why dun you leave him and let him do whatever he likes? Then you will be happy asi do not think you are as you had written this thread.
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If you grant his sexual wish, you ultimately give him the green light to sleep with anybody he wants. It'll escalate to that. If you want to make him happy, compromise to one another. Have the rough sex here and there and he must learn to satify you in the manner you prefer. Relationship is a two way street.
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When I first met my current bf, he suck BIG time in bed.. and I am not talking just the skills but also the time he managed to hold his ejeculation.. It was really bad and I keep thinking can I survive with him till old age?? I wanted to find a regular sex partner after but after awhile, I thought.. Why don't I just try to train him??
More than a year has pass and he has graduated from Very bad to so so..
Sex is important in a relationship but it always feels better with one fixed partner.... well unless they refuse to admit there is something wrong with the sex life... then thats another topic...
Our sex life now is better but there are still alot to explore and improved on....
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If you both travel a lot and both have sex with other partners, what makes you a couple?
Sounds like you're shag buddies to me.
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But if you let him go out and sleep with other women, what's to say he won't become close to one of them. Great sex is more than just the physical, it is about a connection, one that you two do not have. If he makes that connection with another woman, you may find yourself surplus to requirements.
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lulu
19 yrs ago
so you both will be good flatmates, not boyfriend/girlfriend...
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Flatmates sounds about right to me too.
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lulu
19 yrs ago
really? I had some great sex in my relationship and now looking for some more now! :)))
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sex is definitely very impt in a relationship...it is another plane of communication...
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Matho
19 yrs ago
Sex is a beautiful way of expressing love, emotion and desire. Sex without love is a process of needful enjoyment which is at times a necessity. However, if you loved someone and for some reason or another {it can happen} that your partner could no longer participate in the sex act, you would not stop loving them, would you?
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sex is wonderful, be it a serious relationship or a 1 nite thingy. The differences are the term "make love" and "have sex". Define yours.
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Importance fo sex varies
some people need 3x a night (rare)
every night
Some people 3 x a week
once a week
some once a month.
to some it isn't that important.
Where it becomes an issue is when a 3x per week person marries a once per month person.
One party feels neglected/needy, the other may feel harrassed or feel like a sex object.
So a similar set of sex drives is also important.
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here is a pretty sobering column from yesterday's guardian/observer mag. not for those who have a rosy-colored view of sex in a long-term relationship, but definitely insightful as to how important sex (or lack thereof) is, as a signal of other relationship issues:
http://observer.guardian.co.uk/magazine/story/0,11913,1684668,00.html
"Reigniting our sex life"
Advice from Sebastian Horsley and Marion McBride (male and female POV)
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well, i guess if sex is important to u, then u dump him, find a better one, if not then u stay. whatever people say, the decision is urs right? mmmhhh, anyway, i would dump him, but find another reason to dump him. would be better for everyone.
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Sex is important.. and the physical attraction is very important too... i reccomend if someone is not satisfied from his partner's performance, he/she should tell. Communication is important... if still no improvement, then it's your call... stay or leave. But it's a big issue.
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I can't believe that one got through the ED scan!!!
Sex is important in so many ways... it can bolster your self esteem and at the other end of the scale completely scar you...
I had a boyfriend who (looking back) not only was sh*te in bed, managed to subtly make me think it was me!
After 2 years of using me (yes, I was a stupid sap who should have chucked him out ages before...) had me thinking I was the ugliest thing alive in this world; I was thick, untalented, a hermit, friendless, loveless etc etc
Need I go on??
Don't let a man ever make you think like I did. It's destructive, pointless and takes years to repair....
Sex is important and you can only train the trainable. Try and communicate and if you are not satisfied with the answers given, don't be soft, just choose.
I think when it comes down to it, you are allowed to be selfish; afterall, you're talking of your future happiness here!
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Karl
19 yrs ago
Men can be trained to satisfy a woman, if they really care for her. Train him what pleases you. Try to find other things that you both like (porn, S&M, role-playing, threesomes, etc). Try to accomodate him as much as you can.
OTOH, an open relationship can be good. Yes, you can still be very much a couple in a very strong relationship, and have sex separately with others, or together with others (3- or 4-somes, groupsex). Don't let the negative comments deter you from this possibility if it works for both of you.
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If sex is bad, go get it somewhere else. In my opinion, Sex & Relationships are (or at least should be) two separate things. Relationships would last forever if each partner were sexually satisfied. Dont you agree? As long as you don't get emotionally involved with another person, get your sex somewhere else. Stick to your relationship! Good luck
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Now, here's something I forgot to mention: don;t let your partner know that you are getting the sexual satisfaction else were.
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Ann, yes she may already be doing the deed. the important thing is that we have a good thing going on. We've been enjoying each others company for the past 5 years. We love hanging out on the couch together, dinners, movies, clubs..and the fact that I haven;t been satisfying her much lately is not affecting us at all. you may call it living in denail but trust me, most of the 'normal' relationships i've seen are not really "roses & kisses". I'd say those poeple are living in denail (even though you could say the same about me - I admit).
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82280 - I'm Male. and you? Why do you ask?
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Why is it that we always ask others to give us the answers that are right in front of us?? Geez 82280, are you options that difficult. The problem is simple, YOU'RE making the decision difficult! You explained the problem already...is his manhood gonna shrink to fit you... is his 24/7 sexdrive gonna change to accommodate you? If you can go through life or however much longer your gonna be with him saying "yes" to those questions then problem solved. If not...suffer the consequences, move on and find someone else.
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very true, oyster. a bad sex life (or lack thereof) is one of the reasons i left my ex-husband. however, like infidelity, bad or declining sex is a symptom, not a cause. we simply were not compatible in the end, and one of the ways our incompatibility manifested itself was in a fading and increasingly out-of-sync and joyless sex life. i felt very much alone in my marriage, so i figured i may as well BE alone. in the end, we were down to birthdays, christmas, anniversaries...so sad! and totally unacceptable to me.
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So this is my first time reading the relationships forum, I was a career and visa poster, and can I say how much I appreciate reading through these things after a tough night? 82280, thanks for your story because I'm going through something similar right now. My boyfriend wanted to be able to see other people. I'm not going to fight him on it, but I am going to change the way I interact with him. I already have, just had a movie/wine and more date. My theory is as soon as you chain a relationship it enters homeostasis and will perish as quickly as the partners are dynamic. Whose to say in 2 years or two months you two won't redefine it again. I just worry for myself and other people when the burden falls unequally. In my case it does and hence why I've known I'm leaving for Beijing after I graduate (May 22nd, baby! I'm coming to Beijing!) for 6 months now. Do I see these past two months and the next three as a waste? Absolutely not, I grow in love and appreciation for my partner even as I hate how I feel sometimes. This is what I signed on for, constructive confusion, enrichment in self-validation, responsibility for my own feelings.
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If we don't talk about sex, what do we talk about? :) Seriously, love is a vital spice in a relationship. Love and lust are equally important.
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16 years of hopeless sex and I'm still with her. Ironically we are very compatible in every other area except this one. But...it's very wearing on the soul sometimes - I'm a fairly healthy guy and I like it raunchy - she gives me one now and then whether I need it or not (sarcasm). Oh well - things can get better.
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i cannot do that. 16 months, i tired...but we spilted up and no regrets.
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ive been with my guy for 6months. sex varies on how we r feeling, yeah its going to be sh*te if you both cant b arsed and no one is putting any effort in...but 9 times out of 10 its great. when we first got together it was bad sex...its a matter of knowing/learning how to please each other...
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What a man shady! Why don't you try it during the football? My missis gets a few extra rounds in when I'm asleep. Cool uh!
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Woops, the truth is out. I don't like football. I should know better.
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Women and men who do not have sex often are real pains to be around........It's not the talking about it that is important, it's the doing it!
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Only if you pull their teeth out!
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"suck" as in no good at. eg making money and playing sport. Gotta agree with Kundi!
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Kundi: absolutely true - i have kept a couple of lovers past their sell-by dates just because they were stupendously talented in bed...never mind the "other stuff"! ;-)
...and knowway: neither of them were what i would consider devastatingly hot - fit and presentable, yes, but pornstar-cheesy? no way! :-D you'd never guess to look at them walking down the street that they were masters of - well - MY domain
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82280, you could buy some KY jelly and a book about tantric sex and spend more time on **play.
You guys are getting off the point of 8220's problem.
No way do you give bf 'permission' to have s*x with ex. You might as well let him go completely if you do that. Of course, it might be better all round if you find someone who suits your needs a little better but, unfortunately, there isn't a custom-made catelogue around yet!
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Filou
19 yrs ago
If you are enough attractive, it must be important, because without sex your relationship will die. But if not, be sure that sex is not important.
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Oh my. Please do not agree to sex with ex. That is so degrading to you and to women. Who the heck does he think he is. Cheeky monkey. You deserve better and someone who respects and wants you and you only. Thats not a relationship, thats well its crap......
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