Posted by
skymoon
14 yrs ago
My gf has been keeping in touch with her ex via skype & FB. They have kept in touch with each other for a few years even though they have split up and are now living in different countries, their conversations were not of sexual nature but more of like a soul mate to talking another soul mate. However I cant help noticing that they still yearn for each and have been discussing when to meet up. I am in two minds, should I encourage them to meet up and talk their feelings for each other properly or discuss that their closeness is making me feel uneasy.
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How long have they known each other. Is she Chinese.
If they have known each other from childhood, and they are Chinese, then the closeness will never be broken. If it is that of classmate, that really is solid in China.
If they met in their 20s and it was hot, then you may have grounds to worry. Especially if you were rebound boy.
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Well, tigerbay has a good point.
That said, she is with you now. You have to have some confidence in yourself. If she doesn't see how awesome you are then she isn't someone you need to be fretting about.
Nothing worse than insecurity. If you sit there laying down rules on how she should behave and who she should knix from her life, it won't bring about a situation where she respects you, if anything she will end up thinking you are meddling in her life. If she is communicating with this guy and doing so in a transparent manner where you are able to have access to her thoughts then...well, that feeling of jealousy is kinda your problem to cope with. Its this fear in your gut that she likes this other guy better.
Even if she did, what can you do? Your options are to either find someone who likes you as much as you like them or to stick with the devil you know. You cant make her like you more than him.
But the reality is that she dumped him or he dumped her...its a part of her past, a big chunk or not, its still the past. If they meet up now, its more likely as friends who feel mushy about the past. Like I said, she's with you now, you should know this. If you have doubts about how she feels about YOU then thats a different matter, but don't go getting filled with self-doubt while comparing yourself to some other guy you don't even know, thats plain insecure and foolish.
You are better than that.
And if you feel you are being shortchanged in anyway, then you know what to do. Its your life.
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She's a westerner and I am Chinese. They knew each other 3 years ago in Europe, they had brief relationship before she had to leave for HK to work. Last year she did discussed he would come over to visit, I lied and said I respected their bond. He didnt come in the end cos he said he didnt want to complicate things. However recently, she been yearning for him to visit her either in HK or Europe.
Thank you for your advice Justin, I did remind myself that I am the current guy with her, and recently I have making the most of it especially in bed. I tried to imagined that every session was my last with her and sometimes I punish her in bed. Unsurprisingly, she said she was blown away by my recent passion.
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Woah, that falls in the TMI category, but hey, as long as you are happy and you think this is all for the best, hey, whatever floats your boat, lol.
Just...be mindful of your thinking. And although it appears you are very honest in your expression of your thoughts, your inner most fears, be careful not to prolong and then get used to this idea of "punishment".
Its quite a common thing amongst my western friends, not for all of them, but for many, to still be friends with their ex-partners. Thing is, the dude who was supposed to come visit said he won't come because he doesn't want to "complicate" things. Means he may have feelings for her and has enough respect for her relationship with you not to overstep his boundaries.
Now if your gf is still gagging to see this guy, you can try a bit of honesty and tell her how you feel a little bit curious about why she still wants to meet up with this guy or have him stay at your house if the guy himself thinks it may not be a good idea. Have a healthy discussion that doesn't translate as "I am insecure, you are doing something wrong, and I feel like punishing you for it!" Lol. I mean, maybe try to get her to see if from your perspective, like, "How would you feel if I was keen on inviting an ex-gf to meet up with me here or abroad so we could spend buddy buddy time together" etc.
Again though, this could be opening a can of worms, coz like I said, she could get a whiff of insecurity and be turned off...but still, on the other hand, honesty and communication are important, hmmm, although sex is a pretty good way of communicating, so if that seems to work for you to make you feel better about the relationship and in some way show her you still care deeply for her, go for it! Talk can come when she is most receptive to it and less guarded. Good luck!
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I agree with your assessment of her ex, he sounds like a decent guy. I think the problem lies with her more, also it could possibly be problems with HK, work or even between ourselves. Thank you once again for your opinions, they have been very insightful from a neutral perspective.
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Skymoon >
Sometimes a short whirl wind romance will be remembered more fondly due to the sense of adventure, loss and “what might have been”.
It’s obvious this is what’s happening - she still has romantic feelings for this guy. Not just old pals, but romantic yearnings.
And if they do meet up, she’d restart with this guy, experience a short burst of passion, and then it would likely implode. She’d then say she was confused, and ask for you to take her back.
Her heart is not true to you. The only reason she’s with you is because this guy is far away. She likes you, but as the 2nd choice. You owe it to yourself to dump her. Tell her to find someone she truly loves.
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Difficult situation. If this were me, I'd try not to worry about it too much - after all, what are the chances of anything developing from this? However, I would be wary about making a really serious commitment to her as, if she is unhappy about something, it will blow up later. Try to be cool, protect your interests and keep your options open.
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Sure, Jealousy is poison, but sometimes it's justified. If a married man goes banging every woman he meets, is his wife wrong for being Jealous ?
Jealousy based on nothing but intuition, suspicion & stereotypes is a sign of emotional/mental problems, and inevitably kills relationships. Signs include phrases such as "I don't trust men", "I don't know what he's up to", etc.
Jealousy based on facts and behavior is a warning sign that something is wrong.
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Jealousy often springs from inferiority. Reasons for inferiority are plenty: different social standings, education levels, lack of self confidnece etc etc. For instance, I doubt that you would be jealous of your gf's ex if you perceived him to be a lesser person than you? By lesser i mean that perhaps you think that he can provide sometihng to your gf that you cannot, whether it be a higher standard of living.. or something else?? If this is the case, your jealousy wont go away easily.
In anycase, if you feel that she is yearning for something/somebody else, you need to look at what she is missing form your relationship, whether it be issues of intimacy, communication or emotional support etc
But as you mentioned, having blown her away by your recent resurrected passion, i believe you may have solved the problem already?
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Rob, shes been with her ex emotionally (online) for 3-4 years. they cant be together due to the long distance and different timezones. He confessed to her that shes the best girl he's everbeen with after all these years. However dont u hate men who dont do anything when they claim to love someone so much....
HK does strange things to relationships, as its a very transitional place. she might leave next year and i still have 3 years on my contract. I cant help feeling that shes with me cos i make things easier for her in HK.
My attitude at the moment is that if she's using me, I might as well use her. Everytime I am with her, I treat it like the last time we will see each other.
Anyway I leave you guys with this quote "He that is not jealous is not in love." ~St. Augustine
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Ack, skymoon, I had a friend who went through exactly the same situation as you...and as unhealthy as it sounds, he survived it just fine.
Still, don't you think that the two of you could do with talking it through? Of course, the place that could lead is where you both face the reality of what it is that you really have and then the possibility is that you split up. The other possibility is also that you guys stay together just fine for the next 3 years and then a whole lot more. Who knows.
But where it stands, with the way you view the relationship, its sounds more like a mere issue of checks and balances, you get what you give and vice versa, nothing more. As the black eyed peas once sang...where is the love, y'all?
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she is being fairly 'relaxed' about your relationship -keeping contact with the previous boyfriend.
keeping her options open?
i would draw back, to mirror her behaviour - not become more intense.
she can be more objective, then and perhaps will demonstrate that she does not expect you to be taken for granted.
tables always turn in relationships i find.
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