Posted by
bwitched32
19 yrs ago
Ok so my husband and I have separated and I need help just to get through this trying time. I feel like I have been thrown out in the garbage. I had no choice but to move and he will not financially support me until I am on my feet. We are both expats. He is on a full package and I am working for local company on local wages. When I try to confront him about our issues the whole situation becomes violent and can say my body has woken up this morning battered and bruised. It is very difficult to manage when he is going out with "his new group of friends" and one of the women he likes and spends money on her but after 10 years as a couple I have been pushed aside. I cant understand how a Man can treat his wife or the mother of his child in this manner. He tells his new friends and new female friend how we will be "great friends". She has no idea of the pain and hurt he has caused his family. Last night he is out all night at LKF and tells me how much of great night he had whilst I am in my new home trying to get my life organised - putting together beds organising furniture. He never offered to help. I dont have family here or a wide network of friends but desperately would like to meet new friends to ease the pain.
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KAT8
19 yrs ago
Hi bwitched32
I know what you are going through as I am also divorcing my husband after nearly 12 years of marriage. I can totally relate to your pain and hurt. If you want to chat to me you can send me a pm.
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linx
19 yrs ago
bwitched32 - you're not alone, I left you a pm.
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I felt great sympathy on you. But I can still feel you still love your husband and deeply heartbroken for his behavior. I am a local chinese gal. I am stil in the misery of losing my lover but I have to leave away from him.
I have tried many ways to get over it, but seemed not very successful.
I think I need a new bf and find out something new interesting things to do.
My advice for you is leave your husband, find some new friends, move to a new place .....
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I can relate to you so much as I am currently going through the same situation. I am a 34 yr british born chinese separating from my husband of 14 years due to his infidelity. I know exactly what you're going through and would love to chat or meet in person.
Please know that you're not alone and there are genuine people out there!!!
Love to hear from you soon!
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I realise there are many in the same situation as me. I tried to go home but under the international law my daughter cant come with me and he will not let her leave the country, so I realised a while back need to stick it out here so I am here for her and hopefully get back on my feet again. Does anyone know of support groups can go to or any social groups to start mixing with people again. I know I have to accept and let go of the past as thats what he has done. His new girl is an expat Teacher. But can say he has really battered my self esteem telling me constantly why arent I indepednant and self reliant, which annoys me because in my home country (Australia) I was all of these, I followed and supported him in Hong KOng so he could have the opportunity work wise. Look where it got me.
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STUCK
19 yrs ago
Read this book it will be the best thing you have ever bought.
Feel the fear and do it anyway by susan jeffers, within reading a couple of pages you will already start to feel stronger.
You are fearing that you can't go this alone, but you will and you will be a better person for it.
I am not sure how to give you my personal email if anyone knows let me know tx.
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lulu
19 yrs ago
Forget about him, treat that he was died sometime ago. Do not even bother to contact him cos everytime you talked to him, it will just make you sad and terrible, why bother more tortune?
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Kat8 Tried to find your name to send PM. I have a 10year and a 6year old
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You feel at like you're at the bottom. Well what goes around comes around so soon you'll be back on top!
Besides, we all know that time wounds all heels!
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Come on, friends! I believe you are stronger. Let by gones be by gones. A man which like your husband is not deserves our real heart, ok? we should to seeking a honest life and take care for your baby, i think you are a good mother.
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I agree he doesnt deserve my heart but it still hurts when you have spent 10years with someone and we cant even talk anymore without arguing and to top it off this weekend I am told that he needs to de-wife (me) the house because his new female friend will be spending the weekend there. Most of my belongings are out of the house but still think for the childrens sake would be nice to have a picture of their mother there and as much as I am angry that she will sleep in "our bed" I have to accept that have to let time heal and move on. Does annoy me though that the "new woman" should know better as she knows I only moved out one month ago. I certainly would not do it to another wife who had just left. I agree usually I am a strong person but when you have just left not only your husband but also your friend can be difficult for a while
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well I have just received a SMS from the ex husband asking me to take the children on Sunday and when I ask why "oh cos I*****" will probaly come up stay over on Sunday afternoon to Monday" IT REALLY HURTS! We have both been speaking to a counsellor who thinks bad move to bring her into the house incase we get back together and his reply "If that happens will buy a new bed"
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Bwitched - I'm sorry, I know you still love him but the man is a w@nker.
Spend this time meeting new people and talking through your feelings.I know it is a painful time but you don't need to go through it alone. Take care of yourself.
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Am a men!, but have been in the same predicaments over the years, having dealth with various cases, mostly of whom are suffering from self denial.
I hope you will wake up tomorrow morning and ask yourself the questions are rightfully amends your end of story, and I hope you will wake up tomorrow, with the notion that life will go on, and that you will look at all these positively and open up your heart, especially your mind, realising the strenght within you, and radiate them from within, to keep the world watching and warning them, that, women of your substance can make a differents to those weaker than you are. I hope you will wake up tomorrow with GOD's grace beside you, accepting his divine messages through his people that surrounds you with the hope that you will too, listen to your heart and follow your inner strenght and desires and will envitably my you a new person again.
I wish to the best of everything that should came your way.
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Excellent - just read the link to the article.
Always amazes me that one can blather on in a quasi-religious manner and say very little of note.
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wow Bear your a true gent...im impressed and hope your proud. Not too many nice blokes out there! Well done
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YEH Julie LOL....best thing for bwitched is friends right now ... doesnt need to fall into the arms of some pig whilst she is vunerable and not thinking straight.
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Well, sorry for sounding too religious and what not!!!, I could have said, backle up tomorrow and get ready to log on onto another relationship, or get rid of your grieving safisfaction...to let it out...bounce onto temporary "quick fix" like something just like having new cloths on...and why not, its only natural to get over your emotions, not having to look examine what lies beneath those emotions and there are reasons for everything and everything happens for a reason, they could be telling you something that you should have known all this years, living with him.....so??? your time is up for new beginnings, I should think so.
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Is Vulvic suffering from addiction that drive sane individuals to run away from a normally fulfilled human life and retreat to closed communities from which all but confirmed addicts are excluded. Is he hearing voices in his head, illusions, may be???,which seem real that he often succeed in persuading others of their reality,
Is this all about Gerin Oil and Vulvic?, there is???
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dear bwitched32,
We didn't share the same story but I could understand how you feel. I am 31, asian, businesswoman. I had to divorce my european hubby of 5 yrs more than 2 yrs ago when we are still so much in love. We chosed this way due to his family pressure. I didn't want to but I was forced to let him go.
Anyway, he only went out with other women (plural) a yr after the divorce. But when I learnt about his first other women, a week after I went to visit him, a week after he said he still loves me, I was so furious. I know I shouldn't feel that way but I couldn't help it. He said he had to do it because he had to make himself forget me. I hated him so much that time. He brought other women to my bed, to the house that I so painfully decorated with love for him and so on. I hated those women who try to steal my EX's love away from me. I cursed them. Crazy story...I thought that was the end of my life.
That was more than a year ago. He has left Asia. And I no longer hate him. In fact, he still contacts me at least once a week fr Europe, we still give each other supports and advises from time to time. I decided to learn to let go and move on with my life. I know it's not easy, but sometimes you just have to do that, for your own good, and for your children. Your journey will be more painful than mine as you have his children, but try to find your strength in them. I found mine in my mom.
At the same time I put all my attention to my career, returned to my country and built my own business. It was the best move I ever made.
As for love life, I think it will take some time for me to recover. I have never dated other man since the divorce. Personal choice. I don't want to be with someone just because I don't want to be lonely. Honestly, I still love him, so is he. But what more important for me now is his happiness. For him to meet someone who could make him falling in love again. And I did encourage him to give a chance to other women. For this, I considered myself have passed in letting him go.
My point is, in our case, we have to FORCE ourselves to move on. Definitely we will not like it but this is the best way. Build a new life. Get support, if you're not with your immediate family, be with your friends. And try to forgive him. Only then, from my experience, I could move on, at least with part of my life. At least now I am much happier than I was one year + ago. That's better than nothing. Take one step at a time, but do force yourself to make that first step.
BTW, I did yoga too. Find that helps me to channel my negative energy. Didn't believe in those thing in the beginning but it seems works on me.
You might think it's easy for me to say all these because I sound like a person with considerable income. No, I don't have that, yet. And I don't ask for any compensation from the divorce. I am working hard to develop my new business so that I could take care of myself. I have a new target, not my ex, not finding another love, but to be someone, a businessperson that my mother and my family could proud of. And what really helps me in this painful journey is the love and support that I receive from my family, and few true friends. And my own realization that life still goes on, with or without him. There are some people still hoping and depending on me. I have to live for them. In your case, they are your children.
On love issue, I believe, one day, when the time is right, I will meet someone better. I never gave up on this, just merely put it on hold, for now;-)
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Really feels for you. Wish things were that simple for me. Where I stand, wish mine came home to me one day and said that he found someone else, my decision would be a lot easier. Here is the deal. problems for a long long time. Both parties made mistakes in the past,myself in particular, one serious one. I want to move forward as neither of us think divorce is a good idea and no 3rd party of anything like that. However, the husband is the type of person who likes to hang on to the past saying things like: if I knew you were.... then I would have.... In my view, he is also not what I expected or at least he has changed. But not for a single second, I thought of "IF". The bottom line, he cannot forget the past and refuses to change due to what happened and expects me to live with him knowing he cannot forgive(he doesn't want a divorce; no 3rd party and etc.). So decision: Divorce no matter how painful that might be. 3rd party, drugs, abuse all would have been easier to deal in my view. So be strong... Time will heal..
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S67
19 yrs ago
unreal....
I am sure with time things will get better. Let go of everything. I went thru something similar and thought he could never forget and for years have proved time and time again by not repeating the mistakes. Its a big hazy now, but what has happened has happened and may never be erased. We went thru some hard times but things are better now after years. Be strong and stick to the right path.
bwitched - be strong, you can do it!
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S67 Thanks for sharing. Guess you are lucky in some way that things are working out. But again, one never knows. I don't think any one can really change. I know my husband will never be able to competely forget the past, the most important thing is to look ahead, which he cannot seem to do. I have promised that I will change, seek help on the issue I have. Can I guarantee it? I can now. Can he believe me? That is a risk.. When you think about it, it is a pretty simple thing: take the risk or not. Any way, life goes on one way or another.
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sub
19 yrs ago
bwitched - we cannot choose the way people treat us, only the way it affects us.
This may sound a bit flippant but it sounds like he is behaving quite badly, but unfortunately because of your children it will be difficult to avoid him altogether. Because no one can make him change his ways (at least he is going to couselling I suppose)...the only way you can protect yourself is to try VERY hard to rise above it.
If you can do this, you will be so strong and have such a great life.
The irony is when he sees this he will probably be attracted to you all over again, but YOU decide what you want.
Also it makes for a great role model for your children if you can get through this.
Anyone (incl kids) can see it is inappropriate to "de-wife" the house when there are kids staying there, for him to even tell you this, for him to bring a woman there so soon...etc. BUT if you can pretend to not be affected, and then in time, you will REALLY not feel affected..then you are a true champion.
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I know and he is not seeking counselling, I AM. LOL. I have this notes on my fridge. DONT CONTACT HIM! and friends help me along the way. Think the only interest he has in me is the house. ITS IN MY NAME, and I can tell you have been tempted to just sell it.
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Wow....Just noticed this thread had been revived and 13th Apostle is correct. I am in a very different place but reading this was a good reminder of where I was as the ex-husband has been trying desperately to reconcile. The ironic part about it was the "new girlfriend" he was with turned out to be clingy, so he left her and has been trying to come running back, but for me the feelings for him are not there anymore. Too much happened and I have changed. I really hit rock bottom 12mths ago and never thought I would climb out but I did. So 12mths later I have a great job, still live on my own, we share responsibility with the children and I learnt to do more for myself and not rely on a husband or partner to always be around. Ame, I know its difficult at the moment but it is very true what you read on these threads to think one day at a time and every morning when you wake up think today will be better than yesterday. You will have your ups and downs but the downs become less and less. A me I fully understand where you are at and I know its not a nice place to be at the moment so If you ever want to chat let me know. Remember you are the important one.
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