Posted by
Ed
12 yrs ago
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/relationships/relationship-advice/david-eddie/how-do-i-stop-my-husband-from-cheating-again/article2441449/
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great article and more so that the response is from a man!
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The approach is a band aid, that does not deal with the real issues.
There is a common pattern in a lot (but not all) of these cases -
Married Couple, Kids arrive, wife begins to neglect husband... maybe gains 20 lbs
Husband finds satisfaction elsewhere.
Wife is outraged, and sometimes genuinely surprised.
then it goes one of a few ways -
Couple break up, ex-wife becomes bitter & twisted "all men a bad" type
Couple break up, ex-Wife gets back in shape, finds a new man, and repeats.
Couple patch things up.
In every case the marital issues were hidden in plain sight for a long time BEFORE the straying... the husband brought it to a head when he got caught. Pretending that the husbands misbehavior is the initiating event is plain dishonest.
If a couple doesn't fix the reasons that made the husband want to cheat, then guaranteed he's going to cheat again.
This article solves nothing.
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That said...and this could be me quoting my brother for yet another time, (only because he is the only one I hear from who is picking through a marriage right now and trying to patch cracks!) many men get married and then forget about the art of romance and foreplay. They start to think that they ought to have "sex on tap" and then are shocked that the wife doesn't just roll over and play with the bone!
Actually, that is the foremost thing a lot of unhappy married men say when they talk about their marriages, that they felt "cheated" and "disappointed". That they felt they had married "their best friend" but ended up with a "wife and a mother" or some BS like that. I could be parephrasing all wrong.
Then its possible some complaint like "My NEEDS are not being met" with the clear implication of those needs being physical. Nothing makes a woman less keen for sex than when its put to her like she is not fulfilling her duties like it was some kind of chore she left undone.
It takes two hands to clap.
When the woman is made to feel like her chores are undone because a man has made her feel like she is a keg for sex that seems to have run dry, well...then a man starts to spend more time at work, to keep his mind occupied, a woman withdraws more because she feels she is left fielding the kids all alone, and then the excuses become more and more predictable before somewhere in there the man says, (and in all fairness, women also get there, although with their connection to kids, or even possibly a lack of paycheck, they might get there less frequently) "I was being neglected, so I looked elsewhere"
I think more couples should learn to face the music "Together" because that is what a COUPLE is, two people, together. Its not as simple as "wifey didn't put out". Something got her to where she became a cold fish. I am not saying this is true with all women, some women may simply not dig sex. But from what I know, especially for mothers, after pushing a baby out your hoohaa, it takes time to "spring back" to where it was...the emotional and physical disappointment of not having things where they once used to be, that takes time and patience on the part of the husband...if more men put in the hours in that first crucial year, they would find their lives wholly more rewarding. Sure sex won't be as frequent as it used to be, but thats what happens when you have kids, you have to learn to appreciate the quality over the quantity.
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That said, I know married men who have no kids and are still trolling Wan Chai on a weekday. What I see are men who grew up with cheating Dad's, said they would never be like them, and then became exactly what they said they would never be.
Sometimes its just too much effort to be honest and respectful/respectable.
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CptDave, Option 2 is the one i have seen most ".. ex-wife gets back in shape ... and repeats.. " That said, this can apply just as easily to men.. though less common.
Unfortunately, many people show their best side prior to marriage, and reveal their true side later...
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@rob - you've taken it one lever deeper than me... yes. Things start to go bad when people stop trying.
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It never ceases to amaze me that a man can justify himself for cheating by saying the wife gets out of shape. If you are really honest here, you will know that women rarely cheat on their husband because he just isn't physically attractive enough. One begs to ask why this is?
The answer is because if you are going to cheat, you will use ANY excuse to get the job done.
Men can say, it's just sex, I really love my wife and kids.
They can say I was overcome and will never do it again,
They can say we've stopped communicating and I don't feel fulfilled and need to go elsewhere,
All this bs#@ to cover the fact they haved stopped caring enough to face the hard issues and work through them.
I agree that this article solves nothing and the responses from some posters prove that when it comes to relationships many men are missing the relationship chip to understand what a woman feels.
I wonder what the responses would be if the article was titled How to stop a repeat cheater wife.....
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Any copper will tell you it’s - Motive & Opportunity. Men have plenty of opportunities in Asia, but they cheat when they also have a motive.
So what is the motive if it isn't a problem in the marriage ?
And how can the wife not be at least partly to blame if there is a problem in the marriage ?
Sure, women don’t cheat for looks, they cheat for other reasons. Are we suggesting that It’s OK to cheat for the reasons women have, but not OK for men to cheat for other reasons ? What total hypocrisy.
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The thing that irks me is most wives who complain of cheating husbands have never stopped to think what THEY could be doing wrong for this to happen.
Cheating is a big risk, say what you want about cheating guys but they are taking a RISK, so many things could go wrong in so many ways. The guy could lose his kids. You don't take a risk like that when everything at home is great, you take a risk like that when there is something crucial to your self worth that you aren't getting at home.
For the majority of cheating guys I know, the wife was "too tired", stopped caring about her body, etc. In other words she got lazy. The guy is working his a** off to make money and she can't be bothered to take care of the guy's most basic needs. Well, that's fine, someone else will be happy to take care of his needs, don't worry. For guys that actually have some self esteem, it normally comes down to a choice between getting a divorce, or cheating, there's no middle ground. Most decide to keep the marriage, so would women feel better if the guy just upped and left?
Let's reverse the situation. What do most women do if their husbands can't be bothered to make money anymore, get fat, and turn into slobs? What happens when the husband does that, and the wife has to go get a job, and the wife still cares about her looks and goes to the gym to keep fit, etc? How long is that wife going to stick around? How long SHOULD she stick around? It's exactly the same thing.
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"You don't take a risk like that when everything at home is great, you take a risk like that when there is something crucial to your self worth that you aren't getting at home."
This is where many women (or men for that matter) make a mistake - choosing a man (or a woman) who seeks to get his (her) sense of self worth from the home he/she is supposed to build with a marriage partner, instead of bringing a strong sense of self worth into the family they together create. Everything at home is not always great. We know things are never always great in any relationship - that's a given. Not finding a sense of self worth in a marriage should never be a reason for bolting (one is expected to have found that before entering marriage. If that seems too idealistic for some, one should try to continue building his/her self esteem on his own and not blame the partner for its erosion). But a partner's infidelity sounds like a valid reason for leaving. There will be less broken marriages in this world if the search for self worth is done before, not after the wedding.
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I don't think it's a drive for self worth, I think its searching for happiness. Both men and women cheat because they are unhappy in the current relationship.
When 28% of hong kong paternity tests show the husband is not the father, perhaps the question should be how to stop women cheating.
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landof, that was completely off the mark, did you read the context at all? I shouldn't have said "self worth" as I absolutely don't mean it in the "self esteem" sense as you put it. More like "I want/need this, I deserve this, I married you for this, and you are now refusing to give it to me" (love/connection/sex).
I'm not sure what kind of person you are, but I assure you that it doesn't matter how much self esteem you have, if you aren't a psychopath you still need a loving environment and have physical needs. If your partner neglects you, it doesn't really matter how much "self esteem" you have, if you are a normal human being you will want connection, in fact I think people with low self esteem would be LESS likely to cheat because they don't want to take the risk of being rejected.
Yeah I shouldn't have used the term "self worth" but I don't know what's going through your mind to connect cheating to self esteem so strongly using my post, it's a matter of principles, as well as physical and emotional needs. What you are saying is that if a guy has enough self esteem before the marriage, then the wife can completely neglect him and he will be fine in a sexless marriage for 20 years because he has "high self esteem"? Maybe for you self esteem comes into it for you, but not for me, I'd cheat and/or divorce and my level of self esteem would have absolutely nothing to do with it.
And I don't buy into the whole thing where the wife can decide she doesn't need sex or connection anymore but the husband should give her half of everything he owns in a divorce settlement if he wants to go get it elsewhere (instead of cheating). Obviously the best thing to do in that situation is cheat and don't get caught, far better than becoming an alcoholic and addicted to antidepressants.
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It's an old story isn't it - the wife always gets fat.. But let's not underestimate the amount of work it is raise a child.. Once you add into the equation, a man who doesn't have the e.q. or patience to relate to a child, let alone take on a bit of the very rewarding but emotional load, it's a recipe for disaster. It's very stressful. I work full-time and I tell you, especially when the kids are little, I was so-o relieved to go back to work for a break! I think the precedence put on the 'earner' is rubbish nowadays. Most women have the capacity to earn as well as do childcare, which teaches amongst other things 'humility' but sadly, some men think they still got the big guns and their big boys mates egg them on and they will indeed live lives that keep putting themselves first and they will indeed feel very bitter about paying, if they're forced to for the human beings they help create along the way. I've learnt to like the song that goes "people who need people are the luckiest people in the world.." If you're so stressed out making money, perhaps its time to consider returning home and investing in the emotional stability of yourself and your family. I would love to know the real statistics though, is it the women that stop having sex with their husbands so their husbands head off to Wan Chai for the 30 year younger option. What are the odds? Or do they head off with their mates at the first opportunity because they are of weak character and will do whatever their mates do and let's face it is very appealing.. You can always take your guilt out on the long standing wife - it's convenient to blame her and she is usually not there in the pub to defend herself..because she is definitely not invited,..too much reality will kill the party.
Sorry it's just the wife always gets fat and I work my arse off to earn.. it's just so lame..an excuse. Spare a moment to think of those poor 30 something younger women who do have to sleep with your fat and fugly old mates because they certainly respect your earning capacity. But does money make you more desirable or are there other ways to make yourself more desirable? But ah.. you'll always be able to make money..and someone will always need it to support family in countries where it goes a long way, or they'll need to get married.. even if it's to the "I know a few buddies in relationships like that and women wonder why men cheat.." type conversationalists.
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Gaz Hayes has laid out the reasons why men cheat... but the women on this thread have refused to accept them, using labels such as horse manure.
Therein lies the problem. As long as women refuse to accept and deal with the reasons that men cheat, men are not going to stop doing it.
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selda
12 yrs ago
a lot of men and women cheat because they are immature, unsatisfied with their lives, or need to massage their ego. It often has nothing to do with not getting enough sex at home, having young children and a wife who cannot get back into her pre-pregnancy jeans.
Talking from experience, i lived with men who cheated on me despite the fact that our sex life was great and i looked exactly the same as when i had met these men a couple of years earlier.
I have also lived with men who would never cheat on me, regardless of how many women were easily available to them.
Obviously the reason for cheating on me weren't my looks, lack of sex, children (i don't have any). It really boils down to character. Some men have self-control, others don't.
In the past when men cheated on me, it would make me feel insecure about the relationship, and as a reaction to that insecurity, i would cheat too. I remember a married man i cheated with, telling me that if he had a wife like me he would not cheat. My reply: yes, you would, because you are a serial cheater and after the novelty wears off you would even cheat on your mistress. He was looking for an excuse but i could tell from his immaturity and narcissism that the problem wasn't his wife's looks, the problem was his consumer's attitude to life, his need for more and more, novelty, showing off, status. Like so many people, he couldn't get satisfaction because he was hollow inside.
So, if your partner cheats, rest assured that he would still cheat even if you looked and dressed like a Playboy bunny. After all, men who buy a Ferrari, seldom stop at one. A couple of years later they would trade it in for a newer model, or a Maserati.
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"It's called 'cheating' because it breaks a rule. If you break the rules, YOU break the rules. What anyone else does or doesn't do is irrelevant."
castinga, enlighten me: what is the "rule" that you are talking about?
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Once again selda, you are the fount of wisdom!
I am totally with you. Someone who wants to cheat, will cheat.
Case in point, my brother doesn't get laid more than once every few months when it comes to the wife. After years he finally gave in to the rub and tug massage joints. But he maintains that he will never "cheat" on his wife (which in his mind is basically going for all out sex or getting a mistress) because he not only loves his wife but he loves his kids and he doesn't think that a happy ending massage parlour is the same because its more of a physical release like you would get from going to the gym or something than actually checking out a woman and feeling something other than just...release.
Now, I admire my brothers will power, I would much rather he left that mean spirited b**** but he loves his kids and he is willing to go without while all this time hoping against hope that "things will change" as long as he does more around the house, earns more money, looks after the kids on the weekend...etc.
Sorry, but some men really do marry cold hearted women. And then again, some women really do marry the wrong kind of man. I don't think there is any way we can "generalize" and say "men think this way" and "women think this way". Heck, if women could go for a happy ending massage, maybe all of them would be going! But that market isn't out there...at least, not yet.
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Omg lads, what is going on here?
To quote: Married Couple, Kids arrive, wife begins to neglect husband... maybe gains 20 lbs
Husband finds satisfaction elsewhere.
Wife is outraged, and sometimes genuinely surprised.
I think I just tripped, fell and landed in 1950. I'd like to see one of you carry a vitamin sucking parasite for 9 months, rip yourself to shreds squeezing it out and not gain any weight! (I'm going to be a great mum when it's my turn haha)
I would suggest that a loving husband would respect that a woman's body changes when she has a baby, as does her labedo (so they tell me) and that they chose to make a family together and cheating is just not on. Making a family is a joint decision, if he didn't want children then there are sufficient preventatives. Cheating because your wife is looking after your children is a pathetic and cowardly excuse. Why aren't these men looking after their families instead of playing away? Are we back in 1950 again?
Maybe it's because I don't come from a fancy place like Hong Kong where people work all the hours in a day, I'm just from a small city in Great Britain, but I thought a husband and wife worked together to build a home and life together.
Men and women who make the decision to betray their other half do so becsude they are selfish.
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Men only think with their upper-brains when they are young. As the years pass, the nether brain takes over.
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New Mrs Wong - You raised an interesting point.
The problem is often that men and women have very different expectations about marriage obligations. You have an equal partners point of view that is the norm in the Anglo Saxon world. The other 90% of the world follows a different set of rules (the 1950 world view).
When one or the other's expectations are not being met, that's when the marriage strikes trouble.
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"I would suggest that a loving husband would respect that a woman's body changes when she has a baby"
i think you might want to get used to the fact that many Asian women's body does not change after giving birth (i.e. pretty much returns to normal as before). don't ask me why that is or how they do it, but don't blame the men for not being annoyed about it
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"I would suggest that a loving husband would respect that a woman's body changes when she has a baby"
That's all well and good, while she is actually recovering from pregnancy. I think what most people here are talking about though is the lack of sex for YEARS. I've never heard of a pregnancy that lasts 5-10 years. Women should respect men's bodies and needs too, it's a two way street. If guys don't get it, they *generally* turn into a depressed pharmaceutical addict, and alcoholic, or just a sad pathetic excuse for a man. Or they can simply 'cheat' instead. I know which option I'd choose.
Yes they could get a divorce first and then 'cheat', as many women have suggested, the problem is these women don't actually think the guy would do it and fail to understand how serious the situation actually is. Something WILL give, asking a guy not to have sex is like asking a woman not to have her period (without any pharmaceutical aids). Go on, try it ladies.
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Many women actually love to get laid. ;-) If a man romances his woman a little, give her a compliment here and there, and makes her trust him...chances are he will get anything he wants in bed. Women like sex partly for physical reasons (they get horny too!) and partly for emotional reasons. Sex makes a woman feel desired, wanted and feminine. She might not need an orgasm every single time, but she does like the physical attention. Based on the posts on this site, quite often women complain about lack of sex.
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Nobody has asked the question about the women that have been duped by a cheating husband. I am a western woman in Shanghai a city where western men wish to be with Chinese woman because they are exotic and think that they are submissive. Wrong…wrong…wrong! I was in a relationship with a man for two months before he let me know that he was married. I am somebody’s daughter, I am someone’s sister, and I am someone’s friend. Everything that was beautiful about our relationship repulsed me in seconds. I went from bliss to needing to vomit.
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Pink Martini. Every woman is somebody's daughter. And, come on, we're talking about Shanghai here not Boise, Idaho.
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Aren't people obligated to be honest? Honesty as an afterthought does no one any good! If I had known the truth I would have had a choice. I was not given a choice though. But, you are right about one thing...I am in Shanghai and not in Kansas (really California) any more.
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Pink Martini. What do you mean, "Aren't people obligated to be honest?" Obligated by whom?
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LG, We are obligated to ourselves and others because decite gets no one any anywhere worth going Eventually the deciet will be found out. So don't we have an obligation to be honest to ourselves and others?
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I also think peer pressure has an influence. A man goes out with a group of buddies and they end up in the girlie bars. After a few drinks the girls are suddenly extremely attractive.
I worked with a man who constantly talked about his wife, how beautiful she was and how fit she was, but he was always cheating on her.
I think if sex with a stranger is easy, it becomes a habit. No way to get caught, no strings then why not?
I know men who would have sex with absolutely anyone after a few drinks. Looking for a reason when sometimes the only reason is because 'they could'.
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Good point there Willaim, you are totally right about the "coz I can" syndrome.
Also, Pink Martini, yes, in an ideal world that exists on the border of eutopia, we would all be honest and owe ourselves that, but if you look at the world we live in, reality shows us that some of the biggest winners in life are the most dishonest f*****s around! So whats that telling you for being honest and true to yourself. Yes its a great thing but then you wouldnt have phrases like "nice guys finish last" if it were for honesty and decency winning all the time.
Heck, some women are attracted to douchebags like flies to sh**, you see it everyday. They could be with a nice guy but then he is likely to be too boring for their tastes.
Just sayin...
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