Posted by
cycnus
18 yrs ago
I'm a 35 yo guy and I'm bi. Not really a choice, I just don't take gender into account when I fall for someone or find them attractive enough to want more.
The issue though has been to let the other know about it.
I value deep intimacy and honesty and I can't see a relationship being possible without the other knowing about something so important.
It's hard to announce it at the beginning of a relationship: it can send some running in the opposite direction without a chance for them to know you better.
It's hard to announce it later: it looks like I've been dishonest and untrustworthy not to come clean earlier.
So it seems to me like a case of "damned if you do and damned if you don't".
So I'm wondering if there are any successful bi people out there who have managed to be honest with their partners and how they did it?
If you're not bi, how would you feel and what would you make you stay in the relationship if your partner told you he was?
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Hood
18 yrs ago
Being honest is the best thing but says who? I would recommend that you share not of your 'sexuality' to your dates, not until you are certain the person is able to accept such lifestyle and are an open-minded by nature. If you do find such person, the first thing you need to tell him/her is that the reason you wanting to be honest about your sexual preference is because you wanted to put a stop to it. However, I doubt that would help at all.
Let me ask you this question. Besides wanting to be honest, do you harbour thoughts of doing the 'do' outside your relationship, assuming your partner accepted your sexual inclinations? Is this why you wanted to come out front, with that your partner would understand and agree to let you have sexual escapades outside the relationship, to fulfill your bisexual needs, since he/she can't do so 100%?
Pardon me for asking but I am bi-curious:-)
Being a man and a bisexual one at that is always going to be tough. Woman will think less of themselves and fear that you might not enjoy their company as much as you would prefer with a man. Likewise, gay man would think that you would not want to have relationship but just a fling with them cause you do prefer woman as well and this seems like the safest relationship with a future.
Damn if you do and damn if you don't indeed!
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I think you should tell your partner before you had sex with him/her.(or even before you fall in love with each other)Because they have the right to know.Is not fair if you try to hide it from him/her,you don't want him/her to find out 1 day and get crazy about it.By then you might even lose the friendship.Is horrible if a girl found out her boyfriend have slept with a man before and didn't tell her.It hurts.But if he/she accept of who you are,then this relationship will be much more deeper!
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Before reaching the point of commitment, maybe casually bring up the topic of an ex-boyfriend during a conversation. You could even start a political conversation, and then put in your input, "actually, I've had boyfriends before and I don't think there's anything wrong with two guys being together." If she's appalled by that idea, then she's not right for you anyway. I know plenty of women who not only would not be bothered by such an admission, they would be impressed, and it would make your relationship stronger.
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Poor man no woman would be impressed if they found out her bf had other boyfriends unless of course they were bi themselves but I agree with you about the commitment thing.You have to come clean before it gets serious.I suggest you find a bi partner who understands where you are coming from,most heterosexuals out here would never understand the crossover or the mind behind this.
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Hi all, and thanks for the responses.
Yeah momo8, it's what I fear: the "easiest" and certainly best situation would be to be with a bi. It's really what I long for I think and it can probably be the only ideal situation.
We don't always chose to fall for the 'perfect' partner and it's just hard to risk losing them in such a silly way, hence my original question.
In my previous relationship I opened myself and shared this 'secret' with my girlfriend. She took it surprisingly well but I'm sure it was more about the act of sharing than the actual 'secret'.
My point is not to announce I'm bi as an excuse to sleep around, sorry to disappoint you Hood :-)
Although the idyllic situation would be to be with someone who would find this exciting and allow some interesting sexual experiences :P)
But that's not really the point here.
I'm talking about a deep relationship, respect and honesty for each other that can include that kind of information without anyone feeling cheated or disgusted.
Maybe I'm too much of an idealist but I can't shake that deep yearning for a relationship to be more than just a way not to be alone.
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smoky
18 yrs ago
Why don't you find a club/website or something similar where there are like minded people? That way, you would not put yourself in an awkward position of "cheating" or "disgusting" someone as you put it. That way you could really be yourself. Just a thought
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Cycnus I know where you are coming from but there are no 'idyllic' situations and you should never be in a elationship with anyone just for the sake of being with someone and not be alone.
I have a bi friend who also went through your ordealand sadly he couldn't keep any relationship.His girlfriends were suspicious of any guy he hung out with as they assumed there was something more than just football,and the guys didn't trust his female friends because they thought he was trying to hit it off.It's a no win situation if you are open about it.As I said before.If you meet the right person you can share this info with and they accept it then that's exciting and worth pursuing.Good luck but I wouldn't broadcast you are AC/DC until you do meet the right person.
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Hey Smoky. It's a nice idea; tried the match.com before and while you meet 'interesting' people, no-one is really in there for the relationship.
I should try more sites though.
I met my last girfriend though asiaxpat personals; it only lasted a few months but we're still great friends, so maybe I'll try again soon...
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Momo8, you're right about the dangers of mistrust that could ruin a relationship, but I see it as another issue: an hetero man hanging out with female friends could also suffer mistrust from his girlfriend. I see mistrust more as a result of a poor relationship than an issue with being bi.
Actually, if I was to keep that 'secret' too long, I could see how there could become an issue of trust. I agree with Car_lover there.
So the alternative -as I see it- is either not to say anything ever, and never be completely open to your long-term partner, or make it known early enough, even if there is a risk that it doesn't go any further.
At least if it does, there is hope that it could make the relationship stronger.
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A person's sexuality is nobody's business but their own and nobody has the right to judge or mistrust.Homosexuality is more acceptable than bisexuals correct me if I'm wrong,I just don't think you should be careful and just tell the person you are serious about.Society is full of narrow minded,self righteous people my friend moved cities because of his honesty.It's about how you are perceived by others.By all means share this with the person you love it should not be perceived as a skeleton in the cupboard it's part of who you are wish you all the best.
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"Poor man no woman would be impressed if they found out her bf had other boyfriends unless of course they were bi themselves but I agree with you about the commitment thing.You have to come clean before it gets serious.I suggest you find a bi partner who understands where you are coming from,most heterosexuals out here would never understand the crossover or the mind behind this."
Well, both my previous exes, for two. My current girlfriend might not be "impressed", but understanding, as her prior boyfriend left her for a man, and they are still best friends.
Of course, I'm involved in gay rights activism (although I'm not gay or bi myself) so I'm around a lot of such women.
cycnus, perhaps you should look into activism as a way to meet like-minded people if your current situation doesn't work out. Good luck.
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OK Poorman so you're not gay or bi so if your ex gfds told you they would have no problem with you sleeping with other guys that's because that situation would never occur.If you are around 'a lot of such women' they are probably gay or bi themselves.Sure everybody is 'understanding' but not necessarily accepting.Unless you are in cynus's situation nobody can really can give the right advice.Homosexuality is more accepted than bisexuality.It is still misunderstood and Cycnus you have lots of advice here to take action.Good luck once again.
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LMOPQ, thank you for your opinion, but it doesn't make any sense.
'The poor Man', I think your idea of becoming involved in gay activism could make a difference.
At least you would expect people to be more accepting there, on top of doing something useful.
Thanks!
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Yes I know a lot of bi women and both the mentioned exes were bi. Just trying to help...
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personally if i were eligible i wouldn't go for a bi man. It's bad enough that one must compete with the eligible people of your own sex - imagine having to compete with all the eligible members of the other sex as well...
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Thanks guys for all the answers, and special thanks to PoorMan for is insight in the matter.
I'm sorry that you would feel that way GodessKali, seems you have more a personal issue with trust in your partner (and probably yourself) if you are at the point where you can't trust him with either sexes and view other people as 'competition'... I think it only becomes that way if 1) you're single or 2) your relationship isn't working anyway or 3) you feel way too insecure and that will probably make you jealous and drive your partner away.
I think the real issue here that would make a woman uneasy about having a bisexual boyfriend is the matter of not being able to relate to the feelings involved and viewed that unknown as a threat she can't quantify.
I don't claim to be a poster boy for all bi people out there, but being bi doesn't mean you need to sleep around or get the complete spectrum of your sexuality satisfied to be happy.
What counts is to have your intellectual, emotional and sexual needs fulfilled.
My point of view is simply that I don't care about the gender of the person I'm with.
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I thought being bi was about falling in love with either a man or a woman, not about cheating on them. I can understand that you can fall in love with either sexe, but the problem that is really there is not to tell or don't tell, its the trust and commitment issue.
See I am not Bi, but I can still compliment guys or girls to my GF without her running off screaming, why? Because she trusts me, simple. Being Bisexual is not a relationship issue its a personal issue that you have to solve for yourself nobody can help with that, if you really feel you have a commitment issue rather than a bisexual issue don't tell guys/girls you want to be in a relationship, it is pretty simple actually.
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