Boyfriend Slept with Prostitute

Posted by ori888 13 yrs ago
I just found out my live in partner slept with prostitute in Shenzhen.

I have this terrible feeling mixture of betrayer,anger and sadness.He trying to have my forgiveness based on it being the first time  and he deeply regrets it.

We have lived together 2 and half year and it was peaceful and happy period until I have found out he slept with a hooker. 
I am a mature woman and trying to forgive and understand this man's nature but it is hard and painful.

I need your advice please.

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zu 13 yrs ago
Really It's very terrible..... what he did But what i feel, now he is asking forgivess from you. But later on he will do the same thing..

May be try to sit with him and talk ,why he did that ?? and let see what he replies

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Kate71 13 yrs ago
How awful for you. How did you find out? Did he tell you of his own accord or did you find him out? That may tell you something about his future intentions

All I would say is don't do anything hasty. The betrayal will feel very raw right now and you need some time and space to process all the emotions before you can decide what to do

Best of luck

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ori888 13 yrs ago just happened 3days ago.

I just found out he bought condom which was not his usual brand plus it was new package missing two.I was started to feel something was wrong and started to ask him many qustions and he finally confessed.

I wish I didn't know this.

It is terrible feeling..our relatioship,sex life was alright and of course if he was looking for something different from routine what can I say?

Any point asking why he did that?

Desire,curiosity.what else could be?

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ori888 13 yrs ago
He is going on bussines trip tonight for 10days to Europe so I can take time to think what I should do.At the first place I wanted to kick him out,

but I took deep breath and tonight instead of facing him I decided to stay outside late try to avoid him.All I can say at this moment wil be very emotional and negative so try to keep it cool.He was not the one confessed first and I was the one found out ,Kate 71..

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dajb 13 yrs ago
Two condoms missing and he confessed he slept with a hooker? That's weird. Cannot imagine that a hooker would not provide them herself.

Any way, I think you should be happy if it's a hooker. That means it's purely physical. Why women always want to force men to suppress their uncontrollable desire? Would you accept a man who won't allow you to eat things you find delicious?

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ori888 13 yrs ago
dejb.I guess he wasn't that profesional as you to deny until the end and second wish I can see your face when you found out your gf or wife or whoever partner she is having an affair or sleep around with male prostitute.

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alk 13 yrs ago
used two condoms with a hooker then took the condom home? something wrong here. The confessed...?

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wongalx 13 yrs ago
Irregardless of what all these replies said, you understand the situation better than anyone here. You need to think about what you want out of this relationship and drive from there......

I have been in a relationship with the same man for 11 years now. And it's not without its ups and downs. Infidelity is part of my issue as well. But at the end of the day, if you love someone and want to make the relationship work, you will work it out with your partner. Come out of the problem with a stronger bond and understanding of each other. That another way to look at it rather than wallow in all these negativities.

In short, if you think he is worth the effort and forgiveness, stay on and make it work together. That's what make long-term relationship special and so damn hard!!!

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Kate71 13 yrs ago
Well you can tell which postings are put up by men (LOL)

the fact that he slept with a hooker does not reduce the betrayal - it just gives it a different quality and brings up other issues to deal with. Most women (and men) would feel shocked and overwhelmed by the revelation...

yes, there is a possibility of working it through with him - but you need to take your time and work through your emotions before you come to any decisions... and even then it will take a while to heal and restore trust... go easy on yourself Ori888

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joeyclaris7 13 yrs ago
WAWAWAWAAIIIIT!!!! how long has he been in shenzen????? that is the question! and yes i agree with wongalx.....

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ori888 13 yrs ago
I came back late and found a letter and dozen of roses.

Letter was filled with sincere apology, regret and fear of losing relatioship.

I didn't take his call until he depart .

Simply didn't know what to say and mostly I was very sad.

Just want to share that even thought it's not a betrayal and straight service it can break your heart if you love someone.....

Thank you all for your time and advice.It really helps me to think in different way.

It's good that he is away and we can take time and have some space to think.

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nom 13 yrs ago
even if u forgive him u can't trust him anymore. he did it once he'll do it again.

if that happens to me ill definitely break up with him, i dont care how long we've been together. once a cheater, always a cheater.

Men who fcuks prostitutes have no moral.

think about it, sit and talk to him or separate for a while if u can.

good luck.

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Kate71 13 yrs ago
Electrode - of course it's a betrayal ... it doesn't matter whether or not "it didn't mean anything" to him... a normal relationship is built on the understanding that both parties will be sexually faithful to each other... he broke that trust by sleeping with someone else... the fact that she was a prostitute/ he paid for it/ it didn't mean anything is totally irrelevant

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Mr. Brown 13 yrs ago
Just bear with the fact I guess as you are not in the early age of your life. It seems quite for you to look for another companion, so just keep your fingers crossed that this will not happen again...god bless you

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S119 13 yrs ago
yes i understand the fact that it was not a moral thing to do but fact still remains that non of us know you and your boyfriend and what actually occurs in your life so we all don't have the right to pass judgement. at the end of the day it is still your life. list 10 bad things about your BF and see if you can actually live with it. that way you will be able to eliminate the worst bits. wish you both all the best.

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KmanOz 13 yrs ago
Guys will always be guys. Unfortunately we think with our d**ks. Personally he made a mistake by telling you though. If you are going to do it behind your partners back then shut the hell up because look at the grief he has caused by owning up. Otherwise don't do it.

Loving your partner, being there for her, connecting with her, having children with her, living life together, growing old together is very very different to f**king a hooker. Everything I mentioned can last a lifetime, a hooker lasts for a couple of hours if your lucky..

There's much worse by the way, it could have been your friend, sister blah blah.

Always look on the bright side and remember, he is a guy :D

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ori888 13 yrs ago
Thank you again for all of you for spending time to read and reply to me.

At least I feel like I am not the alone in the darkness.Even I tried to stay calm that day my legs were weak and hands were trembling... .

One side of myself is extremely cold and I almost made up my mind to split with him but the other side is softer saying why I can't even forgive once,

But my biggest fear is can I forget?

Is relationship will have same value as before?

Will I ever respect him again?

Trust can be newly built?

Just I have two many qustions within myself.

He is keep trying to contact me but I haven't spoken to him.

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artykiki 13 yrs ago
Really sorry about what happened to you and I wish I or anyone on this site could tell you the right thing to do but in the end it`s all up to you. Listening to advise from people will just mess you up more and get you more confused! I`ve been in your shoes and trust me you need to take some time out and maybe talk to a friend about what happened and how you feel, let it all out and avoid listening to peoples opinion at this point.

All the best

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Matthew802 13 yrs ago
I agree with Ivor (interesting name by the way): the guys I know here.... local and expat...... all of them -with the exception of 1- use prostitutes regularly in HK, Macau or Shenzhen. Its cheap, easy and very hard to get caught. I think ladies who believe their men dont do this have their heads well buried in the sand. Dont worry about it though, its just a bit of fun and doesnt mean that your husband or boyfriend doesnt love you any less. Its just like having a beer or watching some football. Best of luck

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divalicious 13 yrs ago
leave him

you will never trust him again. everytime he has a business trip or he is away from you - you will wonder if he's being faithful.

it only takes one time --- he used 2 condoms?

doesn't matter if he said it doesn't mean anything. so - he threw away a serious relationship for something that doesnt matter? doesn't that make it worse?

ask yourself if you deserve better and then go find someone who will be loyal to you.'

or if like some people feel that men are doing that as it's what they do -- then you can play the game too. why should men mind if they feel it's okay?

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lenlok 13 yrs ago
What's with all this discussion? - DUMP HIM NOW!

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tonine 13 yrs ago
If after 2.5 years of being together and he is sleeping with a prostitute, you should DUMP him! Who's to say that he won't do it again? How many times are you going to forgive him? Would you/ could you ever trust him again? Your s£x life would never be the same anyways if you stayed together. Who's to say he is not 'thinking' of the prostitute or even other women while making out with you? And in the back of your mind, you will just has visions of him making out with the prostitute. This will lead to tension in your relationships anyways. Why put yourself through such misery for such a guy?

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ImSoBored 13 yrs ago
GO play "Take a Bow" by Rhianna.. better yet buy it and play it for him.

You will never forget.. and you will never forgive.. so the question is.. how much do you love him?

I say move out and make a point. Let him really evaluate the hurt he has caused you. Loving someone means never having to say you are sorry.

When you love someone you think of them ahead of yourself.. you do not do anything that might hurt them, because you love them so much that the thought of them being sad makes you feel miserable..

He cares for you.. sure after 2.5 yrs yes, but is he still in love with you?? I think not.

You need time to sort out your feelings.. AWAY from him and his 10 day buisness trip is not enough. Move in with a friend..

He needs time away from you.. not just away, but needs to know what it is like to have lost you.. and then needs to evaluate his actions. And the consequences.

If after two months, he is as miserable as hell, cant eat, cat sleep, looks horrible.. and is still asking you for your forgiveness then you know you need to go back and try as hard as you can to work things out.

If after two months he has moved on.. well then that will be your answer. You are there as a matter of convinence.

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graceful 13 yrs ago
I have been there and I can tell you is you will never forget! Forgive maybe but never the same again. I did what ImSoBored said, I broke off with him and moved on with my life for 1 year. He never left as he keep trying to win me back. He was extremely sincere and did all the right things. We got back together and a year later, we got married.

However, you never forget! The trust is not the same anymore.

What a lot of the guys said in this forum is not wrong too, I have seen or know many many guys whether it is my boss, business partners, colleagues, friends, my now husband or my brother, they all cheat one way or another. Some purely business, some felt in love (like my brother and yes, he faced the consequences and got a divorce and married that girl) some like the excitement. Whatever it is, the men did it with their eyes open.

You know your BF so you know how strong is your relationship with him. You also know yourself, you need to accept the fact that if you leave him and you may still meet the same type of guys again in the future. There is no guarantee that you are the lucky one who meet a guy with high moral and 100% devoted to one woman. I believe there is that guy around but are you that lucky or will you fall for this kind of guys?

Whatever you dedice, I can only say that you will never forget. Forgive yes but you never forget. So, you should decide this based on your own instinct.

BTW, when the cheating happened with my then BF, those who most unforgiven among my friends are my guy friends. I do not know if this make any sense....

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Sarge501hk 13 yrs ago
Cmon now, cheating is something unacceptable in a relationship. Trust and commitment always go together. If you trust the person then you commit to this person and vice versa. If a partner sleeps with another person then there is something wrong with the relationship. You can't trust him, that's for sure. It does not matter if it was a fling, a one-night-stand, a " tasting" thing. He betrayed you and your trust. It is not true that it is just a physical thing, a lot of men fall for prostitutes because these women tend to be more sweet, loving, "understanding" than the wife/girlfriend because these hookers need something from them in return. They need you financially so they would do anything to be different from your wife/gf esp on the sexual aspect. Those who think that cheating is a normal thing in a relationship, put yourself in her shoe. Let's see how your reaction would be if one day you find out that your partner has been cheating or has slept with a colleague, a friend, a boss, a hooker because it does not matter who you do it with. It still is cheating.

If you forgive him then it is up to you. I just hope that he will never do it again. If you can't forgive him then move on and good luck!

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jennylasmana 13 yrs ago
I used to have the same experience with ori888 about less than a year ago. I'm Indonesian and my ex-bf is French. He's an expat based in Jakarta. We were dating for about 2.5yrs. He went to Shanghai for 10days business trip September last year and met a Taiwanese woman at the bar and slept with her. I found out, so we broke up. Four months later we met accidentally in Paris; both of us were still single and I was still in love with him, so we decided to give our relationship a second chance.

And based on my experience I can answer your questions:

-Can I forget? U can forgive but can NOT forget things that already happened..

-Is relationship will have same value as before? NO, it will never be the same..

-Will I ever respect him again? No, u will always look down on him, u will feel disgusting w/him, especially when u mk luv w/him, u will always think that he did it w/sum1 else.

-Trust can be newly built? NO NO NO, i tried to gv him a second chance, and guess what happened? One day, he texted me and said that he will hv a massage and asked me not to come&stay over at his place because he will go to sleep after massage. I didn’t check my sms and came to his place. I caught him in act while he was doing a plus-plus massage (masturbating massage) with a massage lady. I left him for good after that.

He looks like a very conservative French man and come from a good catholic family. BUT the truth is when Caucasian men come to live in developing Asian country as an expat, they are treated like a king. Asian women will look at them like a dollar bill and expect to have better living. So they are very aggressive towards western men. Everything is so cheap in Asia compare to western country; the cost of prostitute is only 10% compare to western country. Therefore there is more temptation in Asia for western men. If you have a relationship with western men, it is better for you to live in western country than in Asia.

Just a sharing..

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Xshoequeen 13 yrs ago
Hi Ori888, I hope that the hurt has numbed even slightly. I have been there too and I wanted to support what graceful said, you can forgive but never forget, and to also to tell you, if you cannot part from this person, please take time apart before rushing back in to know if you really love him or is it just a reflex. As for the not being able to forget, I tired it so hard but, it was impossible. In the end, I started hating myself not being able to forget, I think it becomes too stale for the partner to work it out after the same thing for 2 years, so he started resenting me as well and he moved on and you know how it goes, the range of could I have done something differently? what were my efforts for? comes along. But the funniest part is it is you that chose it. I know that each case is different and you are the only one who can decide but, I am just trying to hi-lite to you the possible scenario that is out there.

But please do remind yourself that for you to heal is top priority now and for that to happen easier is that he is out of presence while you heal, if he truly cares about you and your well being, he can wait because that is the only thing he can do.

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chungcy 13 yrs ago
men is different from women in that they can separate 'love' and 'sex'

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chungcy 13 yrs ago
Man feels like sex is just a delicious 'meal', either they can get it free from a bar, or to pay for it. Of course , most of the time they 'eat' at home, but it is quite normal for a 'meal' outside sometimes.

Most (99%) men do have some other sexual relationships apart from their usual partners. So how do you guarantee your next BF? How many BFs can you dump?

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Kate71 13 yrs ago
I can't believe how many people here have an expectation that a man will cheat on his partner - yes there are a lot of guys (and girls) out there who would - but there are an awful lot who won't either... I'm not just talking naively about my own partner but about lots of the other men in my life (friends/ relations etc) who just won't do it... maybe they would have considered it when they were younger but not now...

C'mon cut the guys some slack here - their not all ruled by their d**ks

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santaclara_indian 13 yrs ago
once a cheater always a cheater. People never change. Dont expect him change. now he will be more resourceful to hide it from you. It is upto you to get a new BF.

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graceful 13 yrs ago
hoyo, your analysis perhaps have some truth to it as I was not able to keep those guyfriends after I got back to him. I kept all my girlfriends who went through all the hard times with me. They supported my decision whether it is right or wrong. One of my guyfriends (also my best friend then) told me that I do not need to worry about getting a better guy, he is absolutely sure that I can get a better guy easily. Yes, he refused to attend my wedding.

To be honest, I have been in relationship with my then BF for 3 years but the cheating happened 1 year after our relationship. I did not know about this until I saw his e-mails 2 years later (I accidently saw it). It was devastating as I never dream that my bf (or any guy that I choose) cheat on me. I respected him so much that when all the signs happened like he turned off his phone, phone not assessible, walks away to speak on the phone, going to ball without me etc... I told myself, no, there is reasons for all these. I should respect his space and I should trust him. I never once ask or check on him. But girls, if you feel something is wrong, it most probably is.

If you asked me should I leave for good and not get back together, I most probably should have done that. Because I do not have the same respect for him as I should on a special person. A husband/BF should have respect from you beside love. Love, lust is important to a relationship but trust and respect will carry you through your life.

My relationship has crack and I accepted this when I get back to him. If I am to do it all over again, I may choose not to get back. Chilling ya? I still love him but I changed from what I used to be. I used to be a very optimistic person but today, I am more cynical and realistic. I do not like myself to be like this but people changed from their experience, that is life.

Will he do it again? Maybe or maybe not. To be honest, I will leave for good if he does it again and he knows it.

Are we happy? Yes, I guess as happy as any couple. But something is missing of course in this relationship. I do not show him this as it will not be possible to carry on with your life if you bring all the negative forces to the daily life. However, I know what is missing and I have my regrets. (I know most guys in this forum will think I am bullshiting here... or I should have just left him) maybe...

ori888, it is your call. It will not be the same again unfortunately. Can you accept that?

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FKKC 13 yrs ago
For a woman, basically they will keep their side of the bargain if the man genuinely repents, especially if they are married, but there's always a void somewhere and things can never be the same again.

How a woman feels when she discovers:

Man cheats by taking a prostitute - dirty & unmeaningful = anger/frustration

Man cheats by having an affair - heartless & irresponsible = sad/hurt/frustration

After the broken heart, any feeling of romance/trust/respect are shattered for the woman no matter how much the man tries to put it right again. Everytime they make love and the man says 'I love you' which is what they do, the woman deep in her heart rejects although she may not say it.

How can a MAN really loves someone so close to him and hurt her at the same time? They say it's possible!

That's why FRUSTRATION plays such an important part in the mind of a betrayed woman as there are always accepted reasons to back up a man's infidilty in the general opinions of the society.

I always feel happy & touched when I see a man who turned down advances by a woman or other temptations because he thinks of the possible consequences & together with the love & respect for his wife....rejects the obvious approach which may lead to hurting their relationship..........well, it's just scenes I see happening in the movies. Wish there are more of these men out there in the real world!!!

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ori888 13 yrs ago

I am here and I was too tired to put any comment last few days.


I just want yo ask you one qustion.

Do you or have you ever had any relationship that matters to you?

Let's put it this way instead of divide into men and women genre.

How about just two people who had commitment but one decide to break by mistake or with strong will or whatever reason.

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Ahna 13 yrs ago
Girl, just let him go. It's okay. You've learnt another lesson in life, and if there is a next time, you will be prepared. Break it with him, and teach him a lesson as well, so he won't bring grief to another woman, ever.

It's been a while, but it just shows how much he disregarded your relationship to go and sleep with another woman. Animal instincts or not, in today's society, it isn't acceptable, and you don't want to be with a man who consciously did something like that.

If you choose to forgive him, it will probably create an awkward atmosphere.

So let him go.

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Digital Blonde 13 yrs ago
I would have a hard time believing that is the first time the guy has cheated on you with a prostitute. Though I have to say owning up was a brave but stupid thing to do it was very honest of the guy I still have my doubts as whether it was the whole truth. You say you are mature so I assume your partner is as well and this is not the kind of behaviour that men suddenly develop later in life as a curiosity.

My honest opinion is and I know all the women folk and monogamists out there will disagree and call me a sexist, but I feel a guy isn't really cheating unless there is some emotional attachment involved or it is even possible. Sleeping with some hooker on a business trip to China is equivalent to a guy beating off to a porno on pay per view in his hotel room if you ask me. Most guy's probably do the latter but as their partner it's just more information than you ever need to know, and not a threat to your relationship. Perhaps it's a little more dangerous to you I grant you that, but not by that much if he is using protection which he said is.

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Digital Blonde 13 yrs ago
Do you really think a woman would look at it the way I look at it. Of course I am male, If you find a bird who thinks the same way and you are attracted to her marry her I say.

And I think the comparison is highly relevant, I personally don't see the difference, I wouldn't tell my partner after a business trip " Great business trip babe and oh and by the way honey I jerked off to an awesome porno on pay per view in the hotel room to relieve some sexual frustration whilst I was bored" She would just never need to know that kind of information, so similarly why should a guy tell his partner about the hooker which for all intents and purposes is doing exactly the same thing as beating off to pay per view, it serves the same purposes and involves about as much emotional attachment.

In the case of the porn, once the guy has done his business, the TV channel is changed very very quickly and in the case of the Hooker for most guys, its get her out of the room as quickly as possible one the transaction as done. My point is guys even if they are in committed relationships need to blow their loads when they are on their own for a period of time and not with their partners. Some men prefer the fantasy of beating off to some porn star others prefer a little more human element to the process of eliminating their sexual frustration. The result is the same. No emotional attachment no strings attached. Men can do this and do so quite easily, if there is no emotional attachment a guy may be cheating on you with his body, but he is not doing it with his soul. And that is my point.

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marie313 13 yrs ago
DLLM you sound like a 14 year old virgin to me

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Digital Blonde 13 yrs ago
How have I degraded a prostitute to less than human?? suggesting a guy has as much emotional attachment to a prostitute as their porn hardly does so.

Actually guys sometimes have more emotional attachment to their porn than any hooker they sleep with, try getting a guy to toss his whole porn collection out the window. Some men are going to have serious reservations about doing that. If that happens to be the case, should the guys spouse feel that she has been cheated on and that damage has been done to their relationship?? I really don't think so

My point is that there are some things women just never need to know about their partners, and having a tug to pay per view in a hotel room or sleeping with a hooker whilst on the occasional business trip to china is one of them.

The phrase is "lie back and think of England" and was originally used during Victorian times when sex and its enjoyment by women was frowned upon and a lot of times women had quasi arranged marriages to men the thought of sleeping with was not very appealing to say the least and as a result they were told to do it for their country.

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S119 13 yrs ago
Ori888, whether you choose to forgive him or break up with him it's your decision. But if you do continue with him and if he has to go to Shenzen again or where ever it's been labeled for sextrade then you'll always remember what he did the last time even though he proves himself. The question is...will be able to trust him? It's really hard to forget the things that hurt you the most. Maybe he does regret hurting you and will never do it again, who knows? At the end of the day you have to live with him and you cannot spend all your time checking up on him. Is your love, faith & trust in him strong enough to get you through those situatiions?? Hope things get better you. Goodluck.

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Digital Blonde 13 yrs ago
yes but how exactly am I de humanising prostitutes by suggesting going to see one is tantamount to tugging your rug??

You sidestep the point I make, for you your man sitting their masturbating over some female on a TV screen probably with drool hanging out his mouth well that is somehow more palatable to you then him seeing a prostitute and the guy is doing exactly the same thing with his mind in both scenarios. he is having sex with someone who is not you.

What would you find more offensive, your husband sitting their jerking off over your best friend or sister, or sleeping with some hooker. I know what is worse speaking as man, do you as a woman?? It's not a question of deliberately hurting someone you care about, that is not the issue. These are things woman just do not need to know about their partners. you don't need to know if he is fantasizing over your friends or your family, you don't need to know he is using porn to get his rocks off and you don't need to know that he saw a hooker on a business trip up to China

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Digital Blonde 13 yrs ago
No it doesn't escape me, I see what you are saying but I find it extremely convenient for you that you don't answer the question I put to you. If you really disagree with my point of view, then what is your answer to the question.

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Digital Blonde 13 yrs ago
You Can hook me, you can line me, you can sinker me, but I really want to know what your answer to the questioned I posed is. Would you find it more offensive if you found out your partner was jerking off to your best friend or sister and had been doing it for years, or you found out he slept with some anonymous whore on occasion. If you can answer me truthfully because I know what is worse from a mans position. I would be most interested to hear what you have to say and how that bears with your theory,

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FKKC 13 yrs ago
DB .....if you really believe and act accordingly to you say, you should just play the field and don't get committed to any relationship then there shouldn't be any problem nor argument. In another word, speak for yourself and don't expect other responsible men with moral & fairness to agree with your logic.

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Digital Blonde 13 yrs ago
Morality and fairness, pretty abstract terms my friend.I didn't ask for other men to agree with my logic I just make my case and I don't sleep with whores either I personally prefer porn its quicker easier and cheaper. I can tell you that all men will differentiate between having emotional attachment and simply blowing there load. There is a massive difference, if you still think its tantamount to cheating when there is no emotional attachment and you use a prostitute, that is up to you, now if your partner suddenly found out you had been jerking off and fantasizing over their sisters or friends, I am pretty sure they would be more upset about the latter then the former, where is the morality and fairness in that I ask you?? you aren't even cheating technically with the last one.

You can take what ever concept you have of morality and keep it to yourself, that is all its good for. The pope feels its immoral for rape victims to have abortions. Some States in the US feel it is moral and just to send prisoners to the death penalty. Morality is not a word you should be using with or for anyone else other than speaking for yourself son.

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FKKC 13 yrs ago
DB...please answer me .....what if your wife also has her urges and need to do it when you are away on business trips and she matter of fact just goes and finds herself gigolos & other men. So you don't need to know or care to know since it's your logic...........that's it? How simple! No heartache or headache - right?

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cd 13 yrs ago
Totally agree with nemesis. Very well put posts. To the original poster. My gut reaction is I would kick my husband out if I found out he'd been with a hooker, but I've never been in that situation. And after 28 years together could I bare to be without him, so I don't know what I'd do, but Im certain the relationship would never be the same again.And if it didn't finish then, I'm sure it would further down the line as all the trust would be gone, and I would never be able to forget.

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santaclara_indian 13 yrs ago
check this

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Digital Blonde 13 yrs ago
Yeah If I could be sure a woman could sleep with a man with zero emotional attachment the way I know men can, yeah I would rather not care to find out. But we both know that is not true so it is a bit of a moot argument to make really.

Ultimately you are speaking as a woman, and as I say, there are some things you just don't need to know, who your husband is masturbating over and whether he had meaningless sex with prostitutes.

If you want to argue that when you got married to your husband or into a relationship with your partner there is an implied agreement between both individuals not to sleep with other people and him or her doing so disrespects that agreement and therefore the individual. I would agree with that and if for that reason you feel the need to chastise your partner of break it of with them, fair enough. But cheating on you when there is no emotional attachment especially from a man's perspective it is most definitely not. Not in the same way as I view him fantasizing over your best friend or sister would be, yet for some reason women seem to take less offensive at that concept then him sleeping with some hooker who meant nothing he paid for and will never see again. That notion is ridiculous to say the least. It is not the body that either men or women cheat with, it is the mind.

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FKKC 13 yrs ago

DB...I think I understand your question a bit now so I've erased my previous answer which really did not match your question. Yes, women will be offended by both actions...the thought in the mind if you tell her and the action of you taking a hooker would create the same result of getting hurt.

Did I answer your question? BTW, women will not try to visualize doing it with out-of-bound persons which becomes a dirty act in thought but only out-of-reach guys they fantasize and it will always remains a secret so there's no harm there.

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tehnazragi 13 yrs ago
Hi guys, Ori888,

Just butting in here to add my two-bit's worth. Going back to the original question, if your man slept with someone else and didn't have the balls to tell you himself (i.e. it was a rash drunken moment, whatever), he's just not worth it. STOP RATIONALISING! He doesn't. He's looking for something else. And so shouild you. Don't waste your beautiful energy and time on someone who doesn't appreciate what he's got. Spend that time looking for someone who will. Men do. Get ot and date some more. Have fun. Love yourself enough not to compromise and find a man who will not compromise your trust.

and smile always.



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Digital Blonde 13 yrs ago
I have to say NO, that did not answer my question

Which do you as a woman think is worse, Your partner jerking off regularly over your sister or your best friend, or your partner having an anonymous encounter with some hooker who he has paid money to for sex and will never see again.

Because I can tell you as a man which is a lot worse in terms of emotional fidelity.

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Digital Blonde 13 yrs ago
Yes I have been cheated on and it was with an ex boyfriend and I can tell you this much, I would have 1000% have preferred it to be a one night stand with some random guy rather than an ex boyfriend. Did our relationship survive. No, not because I couldn't get over the cheating, because she didn't give a sh*t about me or anyone else for that matter and she ended it.

And you still refuse to answer the question and this is the 4th time I have asked it, I asked which is worse, your partner fantasizing over your best friend, sister, ex or them sleeping with some random hooker they pay and never encounter again. I am not asking whether you will leave them if you find out, whether you think its bad or wrong or acceptable, I am asking which to you is worse, your partner sleeping with a whore he does not know has no feelings for and pays to leave as soon as he is done, or him masturbating over someone he really should not have feelings for. Do you think a paedophile is any less sick because he does not act out on his fantasies??

There is no assumption or premise, it is a simple fact of 100 women out there, 2 will probably be able to have random sex with a stranger she has never met or had a chance to have a conversation with. Forget about whores they get paid to have sex and lie back and think of England and even they need to vet their customers before they do that. 99 men out of 100 have the ability to have sex with a stranger whether they admit it or not. So where is the question of assuming anything. Women need something more then men do before they hit the sack, that is common knowledge.

I suspect there is a very good reason you don't answer the question, because it really is a trap, you are in a no win situation with it from everything you have said up till now and I suspect you know that. If you say no it is not worse, then you know what I will say and you cannot say it is worse because this would defeat the very arguments you make to begin with.

Like I have maintained from the very start, there are some things not just women but people just don't need to know about their partners. Its just not conducive to a relationship.

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Digital Blonde 13 yrs ago
You aren't answering it for a fourth time, you failed to answer it previously and you alluded to it but avoided explicitly saying so in your last post. In this post you outright answer it finally. So basically what you are saying is if your partner jerks off over your best friend, ex lover or sister, it is worse than sleeping with a hooker, is that correct?? but you don't necessarily see it as being a punishable offence.

So you effectively agree with me then, there is a massive difference between a man who cheats on you emotionally then a man who cheats on you physically yes? and if it only happens to be the latter, perhaps you are better of not knowing about it.

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Digital Blonde 13 yrs ago
Yes I misread, and no you didnt not answer it at that time, that statement was when we were just discussing porn, not whether it was your best friend, sister or an ex

So lets say your man makes love to you and is thinking of someone else that is common to both of you, say your best mate for example. You see this as being somehow more acceptable to you than a man who sleeps with a whore and has no emotional connection to them and is effectively just blowing his load. I see. I doubt you would say the same thing if you actually knew that is what your man was doing it, when he was doing it, Its quite an insult actually, you dont do it for your man and he needs to go elsewhere, and if you say its acceptable, to be honest, man or woman, I wouldn't actually believe you, there is something fundamentally offensive about it, Which suggests to me you are fine with your man insulting you, so long as you don't know he is actually doing so.

My girlfriend cheating on me, was over 20 years ago, like I was old enough to either really care then or worry about it now, it was at college and like I wasn't doing the same myself either. You worry about yourself and who your man is thinking about when he is giving you one love. Because the way you look at it, you are naive at best and you are in for a complete shocker at worst. But then you seem to be completely comfortable with the male psyche now don't you.

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Ed 13 yrs ago
Please note sarcastic comments such as 'can't you read' = ban on these forums.

Please treat others viewpoints with respect and respond in a civil manner or better not to respond at all.

Thank you

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cd 13 yrs ago
To DB, everybody at some point fantasises about making love to someone else at some point in their lives, be it a friend, their boss, a film star etc. I can't believe you think its an insult that the guy thinks of someone else, do you seriously think that women don't imagine that their husbands are Brad Pitt, or Sean Connery etc in bed......., it doesn't make them unfaithful. If they act on their fantasy then it becomes reality and infidelity. Lusting after someone does not mean they're unfaithful, but choosing to act on that lust does, and as a female I think I would feel the betrayal was worse if my partner slept with a prostitute than with someone he actually cared for. as at least that would mean something rather than throwing our relationship away on meaningless sex.

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Digital Blonde 13 yrs ago
Last point I make here, I am fed up with this forum in general, I personally am not interested in other peoples marriage or relationship issues. This thread is an anomoly for me.

Yes you are right everybody does fantasize about some one else at some point. My main two points are this , that men well they can cheat on you emotionally, or they can cheat on you physically, it's up to you which you prefer and feel is the lesser of two evils. My second point is if like me you feel the latter is the lesser of the two evils, then perhaps you are better of not knowing it is going on in the first place, if we ignore safety considerations and assume the man is being careful, and these trysts are not putting you in harms way, then ultimately they have no bearing on your relationship. I use the point because the previous poster suggests that she has no qualms about her husband fantasizing over a close relative, friend or even ex and seems to think that it is somehow the lesser of the two evils. Well speaking as a man, I can certainly tell you what invokes more emotional attachment, doing that or seeing a prostitute, no question. Fantasising over someone who might very well be attainable, well its emotionally cheating if their is some kind of relationship involved and there is no mitigating it just because the man has not acted out on the fantasy.

My Main point is that there are something we don't need to know about our partners, who or with what they are choosing to blow their load with or over (I use that phrase as opposed to making love or even having sex, because in some cases I'd go as far as saying some men dont actually have sex with the prostitutes they hire) and who our partners are fantasizing over or whether they are indeed at all doing so when we are in bed with them is not something we need to know ever. Imagine if your partner cried out your best friends name in the throws of an orgasm. If you didn't find that disconcerting in the slightest then you have some seriously thick skin.

If you want to argue that when you got married to your husband or into a relationship with your partner there is an implied agreement between both individuals not to sleep with other people and him or her doing so disrespects that agreement and therefore the individual. I would agree with that and if for that reason you feel the need to chastise your partner of break it of with them, fair enough. But cheating on you when there is no emotional attachment especially from a man's perspective it is most definitely not. Not in the same way as I view him fantasizing over your best friend or sister would be, yet for some reason women seem to take less offensive at that concept then him sleeping with some hooker who meant nothing he paid for and will never see again. That notion is ridiculous to say the least. It is not the body that either men or women cheat with, it is the mind.

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missyoulikecrazy 13 yrs ago
I will go for a blood test for STD and HIV and repeat test again in 3 months time.Cause you do not know how he did it...very dangerous.If it can happen once it can happen again....human cannot behave like animal,you need to be faithful to your love one.

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chotai 13 yrs ago
you can forgive him but you will never forget what he did.. women are like that.. we may forgive but we will never forget. but of course, it will take time to forgive him.... wounds takes time to heal, but eventually you will heal.

the decision will always be yours, even we give our point of view here, it will always be up to you. you know him best. and it's right what you do, never ever make decision when your mad.

as for the trust, even you already forgive him, you cannot and will never trust him completely. you will always have doubt in him. it's hard, but you can deal with it.

"fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me."

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Bananakingdom 13 yrs ago
"He trying to have my forgiveness based on it was first time thing and he deply regret."

it is one of the funniest/absurd statistics, whenever men are caught cheating, it is always the "FIRST" time ? (other than if they have already been caught previously and lost that 'first' claim) they will never be caught at the 2nd, 3rd or 14th times, it always has to be first.

how possible is that, have you wondered?

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Blue-Rabbit 13 yrs ago
Hi ori888,

How are you? Hope you are getting better now. No matter what! I guess it had happened already..It s not the time to blame him or angry with him to waste your energy and your time. Sound is ease but what can u do??? Solution????The most important thing you should take care yorself first. Ask what do you want in your life in EQ? Relationship just part of life. Should be make each other good spirt and harmony, right? Maybe he is not the one for you. This case is test each other. To see how stronge and stable relationship you got??? Anway time can slove out the issue. Be yourself with your self confident. Do you belive fate? Fate will come to you. If he is your real man, he will back!!! If not, you will meet someone better, concern your feeling. That s you deserve it. Remember that men are animal! It s not they do it in propose. They just don't think before they done. Even man said that...By the way i faced the same sitaution. Finally we seperated. It hard to faced each other again and the feeling fellow the water flew away. After that I met many nice guys but wrong timing. I m still postive! I think you too. (-:

Big warm hug, don't forget many people care about u.

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nowbeing 13 yrs ago
Woh! So much sexism here. Are the women here from a parallel earth? Men think with their d.cks? Like, women don't sleep around, or something! I know plenty of women who sleep around. In China, heaps do. One survey in Shanghai showed that more women than men had cheated. My partner cheated on me a few years ago, but I busted her when I found something on the computer. It hurt, but I got over it, and we worked it out. Maybe she still cheats. I don't know, but I choose to trust her. I do know that ALL her female friends in China cheat, without exception. My wife openly tells me about their boyfriends and escapades. One of her friends screws around like a rabbit. A total ho. Then she gets a feeling that hubby has an er tai tai. So she hires an undercover detective. Busts hubby big time. All emotional and stuff, she goes to the bank, and withdraws one million RMB, the maximum she can take in one go. Then she packs and leaves. Hubby is forced to admit all. Loses face big time. Now they are still together. But in all this did she tell hubby about her multiple boyfriends? No. Not a word. A total and upper hypocrite.

China has lost its moral compass completely.

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Bart and Lisa 13 yrs ago
Ori, did you ask your bf to be honest with you from the very beginning? Another thing, if he thought you were going to be upset and make a huge deal out of it, I'm not surprised he tried to hide it from you.

Before I got married, dating was a very simple matter for me.

I'd tell each guy I was dating that he wasn't exclusive and I didn't expect him to date me only. Result: some guys ended up wanting to be exclusive, the rest would tell me whenever they got it on with another woman. Made for interesting conversation. Everyone happy all around, no one felt betrayed. If the guy didn't like the arrangement, he was perfectly welcome to walk away.

The last guy I dated ended up my husband. And we made sure the other knew if we planned to check out a side dish. Once my husband realised I was okay with him seeing other women as long as he told me, he decided he didn't want to anyway. Just knowing he had that option was enough for him.

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Justin Credible (Part Deux) 13 yrs ago
Bin him, he's defo gonna do it again. *Shrug*

All this round about yabbering on about "what is infidelity" is just a mask for "I dont know, mine is a very broad sweeping brush, I have no self respect myself so why should I respect anyone else". have given my thoughts on it before...and people that have no respect and think they can stick one into anything with a heart beat and say "but it wasnt emotional baaaaybyyyy" a la Austin Powers! *SMH* get real! You have no emotions if that is true. Its like road down the road in Oz and see how many Kangaroos you come across...dead, on the road...initially its shocking and it is like...OOOohhhh aarrrr...but then it becomes, pfft, nother dead Kanga! Drive down the road in India...count the number of dead stray dogs...I counted 17 on a recent road trip! You wanna know where this is going? That cheating is the same. The initial cheating session is like "woah" and then it becomes easier to do and then cheaters even get cockier with every lap round because they dont get caught and they even begin to count cheating runs! Emotions??? What emotions!

People that understand what loving someone and respecting someone is about, they dont even know the words to this daft speech of "its not emotional"! You know why? Because they would never want to learn that speech to begin with! Oh sure, they hear that speech from friends of theirs who are doing the dirty on their wives...who think they are so clever and will never get caught...but little do they know that solid moral friend KNOWS that cheaters wife KNOWS he is cheating and so is also doing the dirty on him behind his back! LOL.

Cheat cheat cheat...but you are only doing it to yourself. Pretty sad how life can get that rancid. If you dont want to be with someone, have the balls to just get the hell out, dont make roadkill of your life and love. Own up to caring more about a screw instead of scruples! At least be decent enough to own up to that! Y'know? Sheesh! Man, this chewed up and spat out topic always gets my stomach acid going! Phew! *SMH*

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Justin Credible (Part Deux) 13 yrs ago
Put it this way, if you bonked a hooker, how much would you respect the person you are with for forgiving you and taking you back?

You know it, be honest, you wouldnt. You would eventually go on to continue to treat them like crap because you can see that they dont think they deserve any better than you. You know who you are, you dont see yourself as a prize catch, you are essentially a hooker banging lowlife...and yet, this person forgives you, cries, tells you they forgive you because they believe you are genuinely sorry and they love you even with all your faults! Psshhh! Sucker!!!!

Yeah...sure, you will respect them for forgiving you! Phnaar!

*fine print: and heres where you can each add your acception to the rule*

Oh and one more thing, before I forget, people that talk about "emotional cheating vs physical cheating" are delving further still into the world of utter nonsense that can only come from the esteemed writers at such utter rubbish like Cosmo!

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ozsing 13 yrs ago
oh my god people.... has anyone noticed that ori888 has not been online for a while? has anyone wondered how is she?

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Justin Credible (Part Deux) 13 yrs ago
13 days is nothing in (use booming voice of God tone) "Cyberspace" (echo, echo, echo)....

Seriously, we arent rehashing one of them 190 day threads! I am sure she hasnt been kidnapped by pirates or the likes...her partner bonked a hooker, worse things have happened to other OP's! Not meaning to say this is a trivial matter, but hey...perspective, eh? Boom badda bing!

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Sarge501hk 13 yrs ago
Fantasizing someone and sleeping with a hooker for me are the same thing, both make the other person feel bad about herself. Look at the root, why does he have to fantasize or sleep with another person? It means you are not enough sexually. If he wants something more then he would talk about this to you for the better of the relationship. Bin him and believe me, there are a lot of loyal, responsible. loving men around who do not fantasize about other women nor sleep with hookers!

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ori888 13 yrs ago
Dear all.

Thank you all for your effort to read and spend time to write to me and others.

I was reading all the post sincerely and the reason I didn't write was simply I had rough time and I needed to think about what happened ,how, why and What I expect from this relatioship.

As you all know relationship is not easy matter and balance from freedom to faithful commitment is quite a task for many people.

All the post here ,had some point and I appreciate very much.

If you want to know the result .

I haven't decide yet and still in thinking,and talking stage.

Just wanted to say that I thank you all,I am here and problem is still there.

Yes,it is ridiculous thread indeed for many people and hope this didn't cause many problems too you.


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sapphire26 13 yrs ago
Threads are to discuss and solve, so do'nt feel ridiculous abt it. Now, let me tell u suspection is ahead every pace of our life! Hey, but u can't walk on it all the time! Human errors are prone to occurance.Everybody gets a chance! This is the real time to test your relationship. Give him a chance, with the apology he has offered u!.

U never know in future! If it happens again, it''ll be easier for u to dcide!.Had it been u, would u not expect your BF/partner to give u a chance or forgive? C'mon, ai'nt no emotional bonding with her, so y worry? Pros are machines used by men to release their.....etc.That's all! Men can never carry a relationship with'em!

Hope this will make it easier for you to dcide!

I understand your feelings, but if you leave him, that might give u a chance to regret in future. Y is that, bcoz after some time, u may feel "hey, may be this matter was'nt worth leaving him"


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wtbhotia 13 yrs ago
if he's done it in Shenzhen, he's probably doing it in Europe on his business trip.

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gofly68 13 yrs ago
first thing, you're so right wtbhotia. those prostitutes are everywhere. but ofcoz china is very famous on this matter. so my advice will be 'dun let your bf or hubby go for business trip there'. less worries and stresses..

second thing, cheating and affairs are same. no matter it includes emotional or not. once the person cheats, he/she will do it again once they feel they want to do or having excuses hence they will feel okay if they do. my advice is leave him. matters end.

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blss 13 yrs ago
Gosh, I feel so bad for you. I couldn't even imagine this. I guess the most important thing is how important is he to you. If you think you can forgive him and that he is worth given a second chance, then maybe it's the answer.

I personally would be furious and definately feel betrayed. It doesn't matter what the reason is, it's bad enough to destroy a relationship.

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blss 13 yrs ago
All the gents here- Please try to understand what has happened to ori888. It's not as simple as saying:It's not betrayal if it doesn't mean anything!

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surf231 13 yrs ago
I really cannot understand what it has to do with her. Humans are not monogamous unless they get married. I am sure he loves Ori cookie.

Can I get her phone number? The prostitutes that is.

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Slammy 13 yrs ago
Hi Ori888,

Hope you are feeling a bit better and can think more clearly about what you want to do.

I think those people who suggest you walk away are just being too hasty. They cannot know how deeply you love this person, so they shouldn't put forward such a drastic solution.

And those who say that it's not a big deal, most men do it - well, that doesn't mean you need to accept it!

Firstly, I'm assuming that your boyfriend knew it was wrong for him to cheat on you.

I think you need to ask yourself - how much do you love him? Before this happened, did you see yourself having a future with him (ie. together forever, or marriage, kids etc).

If yes, then it's difficult to walk away from true love, even when that person has cheated. It's only happened this one time (that you know of).

If you walk away so quickly, you will always be wondering if you made the right decision.

So I don't think there's a need to make a decision straight away... you need to talk with him about where is the relationship heading? If you are going to be together for a long time, then you need to spell out the "rules" (no cheating!!!). He needs to tell you what he wants, how sorry he is, etc etc.

Then, you could try to make it work with him again.

BUT, like you said before, you may NEVER be able to trust him again and NEVER forget what happened. And sometime in the future, you may decide that the relationship is no longer worth it because you can't forget, and there's no trust left.

I guess what I'm saying is that if you really love him and thought this was a love that was going to be around for a long, long time... and you had a good discussion with him and felt that he was sincere in not cheating ever again etc etc - then don't you think you should give him one more chance - otherwise, if you leave so quickly, you might always be wondering if you made the wrong choice?

Good luck Ori888! And if you decide to leave, I'm sure that one day you'll find someone else who'll make you even more happy!

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jing22 13 yrs ago
Ori888, please make sure that whatever happens you get tested for any STDs. Your boyfriend should do the same and it's a good idea to get re-tested for HIV etc. in a couple of months.

Be safe!!

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taifu 13 yrs ago
I think u r lucky that shes a prostitute, a service provider and no relationship involved! You should really start worrying if he found another girlfriend! that doent worth your 2/12 yeras of relationship.

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hongkie2008 13 yrs ago
I am sorry for ori888. This is clearly devastating. I hope that the two can get the relationship back on track or both start new separately.

My reply is obviously long time after the event and quite late. Still, having read some of the comments being made here I can probably provide some clarity. I guess some of the female readers might be surprised.

1. The vast majority of Asian females have absolutely no idea what offers are around is Asia. It is shocking that they are completely in the dark about what services the professional, part time, free-lancer, hobby and occasional woman offer. It might be even one of your friends !!! And please, don’t even think your ‘friend’ would tell you. I made the unbelievable experience that the women stick with the man and not the female ‘sister’.

2. Men talk little but if a newcomer wants to know, he gets told by other men since the consumption of services is Asia is as normal as going to the pub. Sometimes the pub comes first and then ...

3. Caucasian men are obviously surprised and fascinated by the offers and quite tempted to give it a try. Some of them will quickly assimilate to some of the local's behavior and here you go.

4. My experience is that many Asian women don't want to know because if they check they would find something, which they do not like.

5. The term corporate entertainment' revealed some new facettes to me which I would have never thought of in Europe. F**king at the company's expense or the client’s invitation - unbelievable back home in Europe . I am not talking about some dodgie local companies, multinationals have of course adapted to this or if not, are just a bit more unsuccessful in their business. An no problem getting a receipt and running a f**king bill through the expense account with the tax man’s approval – superb !

Sorry ladies but you are in a place (Asia), which is full of temptations that have been cultivated over decades. You need to find a very strong character who can resist or one who had his go prior to marriage (the more likely option) and is now healed. Still, to my experience the guys still love the wife & kids and the "service" is just a separate thing and they are very happy to have you and get home to you. It took me some time to crack this contradiction but it is clearly a separate thing.

Now, what’s the learning from this. In Asia, like in Latin America, competition is big. A woman needs to show her husband that she loves him and she better does that frequently. In Europe it’s the opposite so everybody has a choice where to live.

Probably I should not have disclosed this but I think you should know.

A man (no surprise) who came to Asia three years ago and still oves his wife.

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transit 13 yrs ago
Maybe he's screwing around because he's not getting any at home?

Perhaps you should make more of an effort in the bedroom.

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crobeijing 13 yrs ago
to ori888

you will never forgive and forget, sometimes u'll forget for fews days, then u'll be in the same misery, if u want a happy life, quit.

rule: if u can't quit a person, never investigate, close 2 eyes, live in the world u built around u, u'll be happier. before coming home i always call, if anybody is in my bed, he will have time to leave

not knowing = happyness

3 monkeys= i don't listen, don't look, don't talk

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gtancer 13 yrs ago
I'm really sorry it happened. Betrayal is the most violent types of abuse you could inflict on you mate.

However, first of all, as a man, I've been there and done that and his first mistake was to tell you. It's symplistic, but what you don't know can't hurt you, especially if it was really only this one time. The pain he inflicted to you, and the knife through your heart will take a long time to heal, if it ever even could heal. And the mistrust that it has caused will give you a lifetime of always being on the look out, always worrying when he comes home late. Do you really want that.

On the other hand, I like the comment about the "Service" industry. You should really start to worry if he has his mobile phone on silent or always in his pocket, or with him everywhere he goes. With my wife, my mobile sits on the table and she can look at any message or answer any call any time. If you don't tell any lies or have any secrets, then you never have to remember what you said.

The best of luck to you.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

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Raven767 13 yrs ago
What do you think she would do that you have refused? Why is he going to a prostitute when you give him everything.... or do you? A wife/gf should be a lady in public and a whore in the bedroom.... that's it.

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ZCPaul 13 yrs ago
It's standard behaviour for Chinese businessmen and others with money or authority. This doesn't make it more or less excusable but it ;puts it in context

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augusto_the_king 13 yrs ago
The world didn't start with your relation and for sure will not end together with it. The nature of the man and of the woman are the same from the beginnings no matter how much people talked about it and tried to find solutions based on compromises or other ideas. The attraction for the opposite sex doesn't stop once one is in a relation so the desire to have sex with other partner is still there no matter what, men or women. In most of the relations one goes aside and if the relation goes on it's because the other does the same and pretend that didn't find out or accept the situation as a compromise for different reasons or the "guilty" one is just not discovered. Some individuals can control and repress this desire, some don't. It's true though there are more men less resistant to it, but that doesn't mean the woman is a saint by default.

Now, step back and take a good look at everything that's about you and him.

1. I see the guy is taking care of what he's doing. That's because he doesn't trust that woman, whoever she'd be. Do you use condoms together? If yes ... he doesn't trust you either or worse: you don't trust each other at all. There's no love with a plastic in the middle.

2. Maybe he wants more in bed, something you don't do, which is most of the reasons for "side walking" (I don't like "cheating").


"Cheating" is a word used by one who discovered the partner had sex with a different person and is envious because didn't have the courage to do it first. As result they break up because the "loser" can't stand the second place.

End of quote.

So you should talk to him if that's the reason and see what you can do.

3. You said your relation was good. Are you sure? If yes then why end it? The guy is clean ... and a little bit stupid getting caught like a teenage, but now you know him much more than you ever dreamt.

4. There is the fatal question that has NO answer: will it be different with the next?

And do you know, everybody is asking oneself this question, woman or man.

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oreo4 13 yrs ago
There are different kinds of people in this world, be it man or female. Everyone has different attitude towards life and desire. What is common to them all is how they value their own feelings. Everyone puts their own feelings before others and will think about themselves first. Do you see all these previous messages? Everyone has a different logic and view towards a boyfriend's action in sleeping with a prostitute. Why? Because some feels comfortable to lie, some feels fascinated by the idea of prostitution, some feels disgusted, some feels tolerable, some thinks prostitution does not mean anything, some feels its betrayal.....

The conclusion is no one can really give you a single answer.

You have to know yourself before anyone can help you. What you felt should have told you that you could not stand your bf going for prostitution otherwise you would not be upset and angry. This is your stance. Are you going to live up to it or let your bf dominate the situation and tell you your stance can change just because he's stupid and silly and he still loves you? Once you have nodded and accepted his mistake and stupidity (which might only be an excuse in front of you for doing something he desires), will he take it that you will accept a second or third or fourth time? These are questions you have to think about yourself.

The truth is, he did it. The pain you felt was real. Mistrust and doubts will surround this relationship. No one can help you.

What is his stance? What is his nature? What is his reasoning behind what he did apart from stupidity? Was it peer pressure? How is he behaving now? How are you feeling now? These are questions only you and him can answer.

I totally understand your feelings (trust me I do) but I can't judge for you nor give you a definite answer or advice. Hope you can let us know what you have decided.

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oreo4 13 yrs ago
Stephen G, yes, the crucial point is he has a choice and yet he still went ahead. So he has placed his own desire on top of someone's feelings whom he should really care about. Thus, ruining the relationship.

What's the difference between "having an affair with someone in the office" and "sleeping with a prostitute"? The underlying fact is he still slept/messed around with someone else. He has a choice and still went ahead with it.

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dave_lister5 13 yrs ago
I think people would be better off if they would just get over this outdated obsession with monogamy. It is clearly not the natural state of affairs - very few other mammals are monogamous - we are just not wired that way. While monogamy certainly had it's place in the times before condoms and paternity tests as a way of preventing STD spread and cases of questionable paternity it's hard to see the need now. If your bf is telling the truth and the girl was a hooker and he used a condom then I don't really see the big deal. He had a little fun - just physical pleasure and no skin off your nose. If he is lying and he has another gf in Shezhen (which certainly seems possible given the weird condom thing) then that is a problem as this a threat to your relationship and you have a right to be upset and to know the truth.

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activista 13 yrs ago

After that, the question is Do you still love him?

Do you want to forgive him and give your relationship another try?

Think of it over and over and over again. The best decision that you will make is the decision that will come from your heart. We are happiest when we do exactly what our hearts want.

I am not telling you to be a martyr. But, I cannot just tell you to dump him. It's not easy to advise that coz i don't know your partner. You know him more than us.

You are the one who knows this man and have been with him for a long time.

Try to balance everything about his good qualities and bad. Don't be blinded by just one mistake that he did. People make mistakes. And that is just one of the million mistakes that he made. It is not right to question him why he did it. Because surely, he will not come up with an answer that you will be satisfied to hear.

And, It is not a good thing to THINK like, what if he did it again?... This negative thinking will eventually affect your thinking towards him and the chain follows. Your times together will be full of uncertainties and doubts.You will not enjoy each other as a result.Then the relationship fails.

Instead, Think that if you will forgive him, you will forget everything about that matter. And try your best not to mention about it anymore. Think that if you will forgive him, you will not just give him the chance, but you will be giving yourself a chance too, a chance and a challenge to win him over trying prostitutes. It is a chance for both of you. Understand his needs and tell your needs too. Talk over. Find ways. FInd solutions. Try new things especially about sex. (",) wink wink.


I am 28 yrs old.I have experienced and have observed relationships in my circle of family and friends that experience the same thing as yours. THE UNFAITHFULNESS ISSUE!

There is one partner that I have admired most and have endured their relationship. My aunt and my uncle. My aunt is too forgiving. She is not a martyr but she just ignored my uncles unfaithfulness. My uncle is a super super extreme womanizer.

And I am amazed that they have endured those times.

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Wiz Bang 13 yrs ago

your aunt and uncle grew up in a different time.... in a society where women were "taught" to be good housekkeepers and wives... to be faithful and to be true to their partner no matter what.

times are different from back .

but before you sever the ties with your bf, discuss with him about tohe matter and communicate your feelings. make a decision only after you weighed in everything. we can only advise, but ultimately you have to live with the guy it's your decision.

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confused101 13 yrs ago
what about if you went abroad and bf has another on the side??? whom he told you were split up but bf was still with you..

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patpat 13 yrs ago
sorry but u sound reeally stupid and inmature if u cant stand it dump him as he will do it again and again but be careful if u are not pretty it will be hard to find a new one

thx and good luck

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fulloflife72 13 yrs ago
Background Analysis

Some guys cheat all the time (with hookers / with shop girls / with anyone who comes their way). It's a way of life for these guys.

Some guys cheat now and again, often when drunk with hookers or easy girlz in bars.

Some guys just don't cheat - not always because they are super moral or anymore in love (though these can be the reasons) but maybe they are just more conservative, risk-averse, or have a low sex-drive or are strong minded - a whole list of reasons here too.

You sound like you have a guy in the middle - an occasional and not very expert cheater.

As guys get older they often (though now always) cheat far less for now they know what happens when they go with a hooker or a random in the bar. they spend time and money and energy having sex but they are still the same guy in the morning and who are they impressing with this behaviour? how grown up is it? and what would their g.f. feel if she knew?

Of course some guys never grow up. But many do.


Advice / Comments

What should you do? Well from what you have posted your guy sounds like an occasional and not very competent cheater. He also sounds like he has a conscience. I know some guys who behave as if they do not have one - and they may well not have one.

Over time the hurt will go. Maybe you and this guy can rebuild your relationship. maybe he has to call you on future business trips every night.

ultimately it's up to you.

I would recommend talking to him about it and how it made you feel. even if you guys don't get together again it will be good for this guy to know how you feel. he will never forget your tears.


but for sure there are guys out there who are completely faithful in long term relationships / marriage. some of them are my friends. and i know other guys who see things differently.

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fulloflife72 13 yrs ago
By the way, I am a guy, so I am talking about this issue from the inside.

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Calleigh 13 yrs ago
Well, happened to see this blog, picked couple of replies, where fulloflife72's reply touched me somehow, and this is my response.

I am a single foreign lady working in business/ banking sector down in SH. Most guys I met are just physical oriented, and echo to fulloflife72, it is just a matter of when they are going to "grow up" (im kinda reluctant to use the "grow up" term because it is regardless the respective mentality, it is a matter of life choice)

But having said that, apart from the view from religion, I think such intercourse is not as sinful as we think of. Look, you are not the only being hurt, your BF probably feels bad about what he had done and this subsequent consequence.

Afterall, if both of u love each other, this is just another challenge in your long-term relationship. I understand faith has been destroyedy, but you should have faith on yourself- as he is the one you chose, and provided you think he is worth to be forgiven this time.

There are reasons behind every matters- for all big, small bastards (both genders). And guess what, LOVE should be the biggest reason for your next move.

I was hurt in relationship a couple of times because of related issues, and in all occasions, my ex bfs and myself talked patiently and worked out what we planned to do for the next. The result, dont be surprise, they chose to break up... The reasons are 1) They still want to fool around for a while and we figure out he just cant promise for anything, 2) and because of 1), I know he (3 of them actually) are not my Mr. Right.

In my cases, at the end of the day, the result is no longer a matter of forgiveness, it is a mutual decision and further understanding for both sides (All of them still remain as friends of mine, I am glad that we all learned our lessons). Deep in heart, I know I am seeking someone who is ready building a long term and mature relationship with me, someone is confident to be loved and provide the same level of love and respect to me.

All the best to ori888 and hope you have figured out your own path in relationship.

This is a matter of life and faith, isnt it

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Typhoon 13 yrs ago
Would you rather he slept with someone he cared about? It could be worse.

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fulloflife72 13 yrs ago
Interested by all the guys who think its cool for men in relationships to sleep with prozzos cos there are no feelings involved... and yet not many guys will come back from an assignation with a pro and tell their gf / wife "hey honey i was kind of horny and I went to bed with a pro today - yeah just a quickie and no emotions were involved so nothing too worry about".

Because that ain't the deal with 99.9% of girlfriends and wives. If you don't believe me try it out on your gf or wife today... but you probably won't becuase we guys know this, and while we may find it suprising and a pain in the ass, we know that's the deal. which is why guys who do sleep with pros and mistresses and girls at work, regardless of whether it's just sex or not, will work very hard to keep it secret.

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Calleigh 13 yrs ago
Echo fulloflife72, you are precise to the point.

I am looking for guys who could see things differently, any recommendations haha

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Pabloe 13 yrs ago
U mean your Bf slept with only one prostitute? u must be lucky

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kayzer 13 yrs ago
the inconvenient truth - that is that he did NOT sleep with a prostitute - but more likely a mistress seems to remain ignored.


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n220jrgener 13 yrs ago
Above all these comments, your decision matters most ori888. We are here to comment and life goes on with us afterwards. You will be the most affected with whatever you will decide to do. I would say, take some time to heal. Find a trusted friend whom you could pour out your emotions. I hope by this time you are able to overcome most part of the hurt. I understand how you feel bec it happened to me many years back...I am now happy where I am and what I have decided to do...God bless you ori888

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teenybear 13 yrs ago
I still say the boyfriend should be dumped ASAP.

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cindyseah84 13 yrs ago
Forgivness is a choice. Whether you choose to leave him or stay on, only true forgivness can release your bitterness.

Father in heaven,

Only you know the hurt and pain she been through because you love her, every single tears she drop, you know and you care. You know that she trying to release her forgivness toward this man that hurt her deeply but it is hard. Lord, it is your desire that we would forgivness those that hurt us. Father in heaven, I pray you would help her to release the forgivness, you would open up her heart and allow your love to fill her. May you heal her heart from all this pain and allow your living water to flow into her heart. Thank you Father. May I commit this sister into your hand. May your blessing be with her.

In Jesus name I pray


Bible Words

Trust the Lord with all your Lord and lean not on your own understanding; in all ways acknowledge him, and he will make your path straight

Proverbs 3:5-6

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starlight 13 yrs ago
"I just found out my live in partner slept with prostitute ..."

If he just slept with a prostitute, what's the problem?

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annert 13 yrs ago
Hi Ori888

this may not be relevant anymore but I hope you'll give me a chance to say my piece.

It is a difficult position that you're in and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

My concern is YOU, whether his infedelity will have any health repercussions on you. You must take care of yourself and it might be a good idea to check both of you out, before you start engaging in sex again.

Take care

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flakitana 13 yrs ago
Hi - I think the problem is .. that maybe we women are always maybe too naive and too much giving.. I do not believe any man is faithful.. We believe or want to believe they are... Sex has nothing to do with love in such a case.. If we could take it like he ate a burger while being on a diet - maybe we would less suffer.. It was just temptation and maybe he had to gain confidence again in his masculinity..

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tungholam 13 yrs ago
I strongly urge you to go test from AIDS or other viral diseases .

When you sleep with this bastard again, it will hard to put out the feelings that his penis has entered a postitute's vagina....yuck!!!!

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confused101 13 yrs ago
at least he didnt leave her nix laying around the apartment...

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miruna 13 yrs ago
99% are desperates to try the `yellow fever´, they believe is a new world ´there´ or a ´gold mine´. ignorants !!!

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reggiefox 13 yrs ago
I have been there too... I have been there too...I know how it is... It's amazing how many women on this post have had their boyfriends betray them with PROSTITUTES! what amazes me also is that they all found out, when actually some other people would say that it is very hard to catch a BF that went to a prostitute as it will usually be very easy for him to hide it.

If you love him, you will probably be able to forgive him, but yes still you will not forget it. Ask yourself if you really love him or not, so you don't take the risk of being disappointed again in any other bad situation that your couple could encounter.

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FKKC 13 yrs ago
In another thread, I put 98 or 99 percent of men are unfaithful/cheat and people said I was very extreme. Now the picture is coming out - men are boys and some really didn't intend to cheat but were lead into the situations and do not know how to cope....they are so simple-minded dear me...some even thought the one-night stand is a good girl and taking advantage of her will stay in his conscience if he leaves her. Of course there are the ruthless ones who are cheaters again and again and those women (wives, girl-friends and even their preys) are unlucky to be chosen by them. So no matter if it's intentional or unintentional, men will always do things hurting their dear ones without thinking about the consequences first...they may regret and feel sorry afterwards but isn't it a bit late as the harm's been done. With temptations so great outside, it takes a real MAN to refuse the offers and there's not too many of THEM nowadays.

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helenbeale 13 yrs ago
I am soooo shocked that so many people think that this is ok. Are you kidding? You have only been together for 2 years and already he is 'bored' enough to get his kicks somewhere else. What a horrible thing to happen. I've lived here for 6 years now and am horrified about the way men treat woman here. You deserve better than this! People have commented that life is short so you should forgive him. No way! Life is short so go find someone who loves and cherishes you for who you are! x x

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baseballguy 13 yrs ago
Most people are so hung up on "cheating" as if he robbed a bank, or stole something from a store, etc. Cheating is simply the wrong word for what he did. He was being faithful to himself. Marriage itself is a non-natural institution anyway, found nowhere in nature--except with geesse--do you aspire to be like a goosse? The problem is that of jealosy and closed mindedness. Men are different than woman, in general, however, even now many woman are having extramarital sex. In a "perfect" relationship (all my future one's) I will inform her that this probably will happen and she can choose either to have me tell her or not. We're all only "shocked" by such "terrible" behavior because society dictates it like paying taxes (so polititions can piss it away), whereas monogamy is just unnatural. For the women, especially, I say get over it. Men will be men and men will have sex outside of his faithfull marriage. Give him his freedom and he'll be a lot less likely to stray anyway. Consider sex a gift from god and enjoy it when you can, responsibly. I could say much more but don't have time writing all day.

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janeyevans 13 yrs ago
I am SO sorry this happened to you. It must sting like salt.


If you are strong enough - then leave. You'll feel better - MUCH better.

If you're not strong enough to leave - then don't. But you have to figure out how to live with it.

What he did was wrong. He damaged the trust you had and he has hurt you. You'll never forget it and he may do it again.

But I think you should consider two things, are you sure he only did it once?

Are you sure it was a prostitute?

Two condoms were missing and he had bought them. I smell a rat!

Also, prostitutes = lots of different kinds of diseases... take care of yourself!

It stinks... give yourself time... I hope it all works out for you in the end!

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tingting168 13 yrs ago
my opinion is, in order to balance man's betray, women shuold have affiars first.

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uetoaya 13 yrs ago
why don't you get a medical checkup, hookers might carry disease

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pacific_islander 13 yrs ago
open your eyes and leave him.... once you forgive him, he'll be smarter and do it again without you realizing it....... trust me.....

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sampaguita 13 yrs ago
It will always be in your mind no matter if you have forgiven him. It will be both unfair to yourself. He will not be the same, he will always try to pacify you, avoid picking fights with you....., he will not be natural.

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tigerbay 13 yrs ago
There are too many people who are too quick to say 'leave him', whenever a man is unfaithful or commits some other act that some deem at BETRAYAL.

I doubt these people would be so quick to run out on thier own man, if a similar position arose. Nice dogma.

The reality is that many men will go with a prosititue once or twice, if the opportunity arises. Out of curiosity if nothing else. Then they decide it is not really for them. Part of this may be guilt. Some of men dabble before they get married, others do not get the opportunity until after marriage.

I went with prostitiutes twice, this was before I was married. I have also considered it when I felt neglected, whilst married, but put it out of my mind. But in China opportunity is present everywhere. Especially in cities like Shenzen.

Sleeping with prostitutes is not a good thing for a married man to be doing. But it is not the same as having a relationship with another woman, girlfriend, 2nd wife, or even a boy on the side.

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m i c h a e l 13 yrs ago
Simply, pick up a coin ; toss it in the air - heads or tails? ... Know what I mean ... ( ... 'should I stay or should I go'...). Long time ago when I was young I should have gone as the person was turning 'bad'. I was always so fkin righteous; and correct. Now Im older, and now I'm 'bad' (long story).... so all in all ... a fish a sea a time a cloud a sky ONE LIFE , I know you tell me!

btw ... was it 'head's you win' or 'tails you loose' ? lol the light is always light and you always will find freinds ; but when you're in the dark where are your friends?

ps. I speak in riddles and sometimes a lot of bull as it's encrypted lol Mike U>K> coming back to China real soon - keep your culture never change it to anything else!

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Nice_&_Soft 13 yrs ago
100% of the married that I know well have slept with another woman.

I may love my wife's cooking but I enjoy going to the restaurant once in a while. I don't love my wife's cooking any less.

There is a huge difference between a casual shag with a hooker and an affair. An affair means an on-going relationship with some emotional aspect.

The best way to prevent the husband from sleeping around on a business trip is to make sure you "exhaust" him sexually the night before. If you had no sex for a week before he leaves, he is obviously horny and will jump on any opportunity.

As mentionned above, hookers supply their own condoms. So this sounds more like an affairs so he should be dumped.

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tigerbay 13 yrs ago
Important point seeing as it has come up twice.

'...hookers provide thier own condoms...'

Yes they do.

So do most hotels, and all KTV bars. You buy a pack (usually 3).

As another consideration, most working girls provide cheap condoms that have been known to break. Another reason why some men buy their own. This can be done on the advice of a friend or from personal experience of condom failure. Sometimes local condoms don't fit.

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Scepisle 13 yrs ago
I work in the finance industry.... huge company... Exchange Square.... trust me... I do not know any married or single man who has not strayed and tasted the joys of Hong Kong life... get over it.... the oldest profession is alive and kicking... and there's a reason for that..................

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teenybear 13 yrs ago
Nonsense. There are many men who haven't patronised prostitutes.

BTW, has that bf been dumped yet?

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TeeCee 13 yrs ago
He is a disgusting, selfish twat. Dump that man. If he had valued you enough he would not have slept with anyone else. Not all STD's are prevented by use of a condom anyway. Did he ever think about you and the potential threat to your health this could bring? If a man is with a woman and the relationship is working well through ups and downs then this is something beautiful. Where are his values?

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kombinationspige 13 yrs ago
Can't believe this thread is still going on ... its hard to dump someone u really love even he is being a selfish jexk that sleep with someone - I've been there too. I loved him too much couldn't let it go and take a while. first 3 months was horrible, I cried every night really. it's really sad. but after that first 3 months I feel MUCH better. If this relationship didn't end I would be in miserable. next guy may be the same yes, but at least don't let the guy you are being with to fool you around.

The above posts already list out a lot of points that why you should let it go. but I understand the feeling is still there so you need more time. we are not computer, can't just click 'erase' and remove the emotion. Ignore those comments about sleep with hookers are okay, those posts are some losers who did the same and trying to convince the world that they are doing something right. if both side agree to do 3 somes /group sex / swings are fine, but now what he is doing is CHEATING. period.

agree with that saying.

"fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me."

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Zorglub 13 yrs ago
p.mason, just because there are no emotions for you involved doesn't make it ok. There are emotions involved for the girl you CHEAT on with a hooker or "meaningless" ONS. It means something to the girl/wife who is betrayed.

A man who cheats on you "non-emotionally" still hurts your feelings, and the fact that he considers getting personal with someone in the form of sex "meaningless" certainly doesn't help, quite the contrary.

"Sex does'nt mean anything to him?? How about sex with me? Did it mean anything then? How can i be sure?" That's going to be on the girls' mind, and "emotions" will undoubtedly follow.

Love is the only excuse to cheating. If you love someone else, you have to be with them. Hurts your wife/gf of course, but at the end of the day, you don't choose who you love.

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foxmulder 13 yrs ago
Actually, Z, I believe that you and P.Mason think on the same lines. I fully understand the affect on the girl cheated on. All he appears to be saying is that the guy has not got into an emotional relationship with another girl - just a meaningless encounter - which might, or might not, make it easier to accept. I am not condoning or excusing his behaviour - it is something he should never have done. If ANY infidelity with anyone (hooker or not) is unacceptable, then the that is the end of it. But if he truly understands the devastating impact on his girl, apologises for it and promise no repetition, then maybe there is hope.

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Zorglub 13 yrs ago
I hear you foxmulder, and yes people have forgiven eachother love affairs and sex affairs. I don't think it's unforgiveable, it just depends on people and circumstances.

What i picked on p.mason about is something I have read repeatedly in similar forums: the suggestion that if its with a hooker/ONS/otherwise "meaningless" sex, then it's not betrayal, it's "not that bad". The fact that the cheated partners think otherwise seems irrelevant, and only what they (the cheaters) feel is "ok", matters. People who are trying to sell this idea are only trying to fool the partners they cheated on.

They're selfishly trying to make excuses for themselves so they can carry on with eating their cake and having it, have little or no consideration for their partner's feeling, yet claim to love them!

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Zorglub 13 yrs ago
haha, v funny flashback, good comparison indeed!!

"a few inches more", heehee, can't stop laughing!

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merm 13 yrs ago
Apart from diseases and the infidelity, the cheapness too bothers a lot of women. Prostitutes sleep with anyone who pays, up to dozens of men a night. When i'm in a relationship i want it to be exclusive and special.

Also some men are known to date prostitutes, "fall in love" with them, financially support them and their extended families back home, let themselves be duped, and even marry them when the men themselves have sunk so low with their partners there's little chance of ever leading a decent and respectable life again.

Dump him and start all over again. Decent women deserve better.

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FKKC 13 yrs ago
Most animals without brains will take the action LGMV big deals for them either.

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Ed 13 yrs ago
Thanks for pointing that out - I have banned that person.

If you see anything questionable please hit Report Abuse - that fires an electric shock to the seat of my chair ensuring quick action.

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Reynaldo 13 yrs ago
Would you feel better if your BF slept with another guy?

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Berkana 13 yrs ago
It is heartbreaking to be deceived, no matter who it is... I feel for you ori888... it's pretty traumatic if things like this happens. You will never learn to trust the person again, you can always give it your best shot to try and work things out again, but when he goes out the door or when he goes on his biz trips there will always be that pinch in your heart and all you can do is hope he will never do it again.

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kingsbhel 13 yrs ago
lets face it, men are men, they want adventures, and we are in this world of evil, so its just common. if the man has strong self control, good. What about if the apple is so sweet? I doubt!! So, just forget it, and move on.... have a happy family

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alpha235 13 yrs ago
Hi Ori 888,

Check out the other forum entitled "Irrational Husband or Is It Me" Then you'd get an answer.

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mycalho 13 yrs ago
Dear All,

I think its truely overblown ..... If you truely love him and you think he truely loves you ........ Then this little mistake of his can be overlooked .... In this time and age, its amazing to find a man admitting to such matters ..... let alone being found out .....

Men and women are driven by opposite motives for sex ..... while women mostly equates love to sex ..... most men regards sex as an imstrument especially after several years into marriage.

So even if you cant accept it now as your bf ....... but if you think his character and love is all the more overwhelming .... then he deserves another chance.

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ashaank 13 yrs ago
This is truely wrong. let me analyse some of the comments here


Posted by DLLM (113 days ago)

[ Message | Report Abuse ]




(I am based in Macau)"

i mean come on, should people like that be even allowed to comment on a sensitive page like this? she is going through some tough time and u think of a joke?? all i can say is he made a mistake, he admitted it at being caught, not such a good thing. not its up to u to see if u are comfortable with him, if not, then just end it. but its really down to u, u can't really ask in general because all relationships are unique in their own way. i have been with a fair share of women and i have cheated once, but i found out what that did to her. shes a friend now but she has lost so much of her confidence just for a 1 night stand for me. i was shamed and still am but i'm sure i will never do anything like that again. i hope he realises this as well. cheers and good luck

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eyeful 13 yrs ago
if there is once, there will be a second time. I mean your forgiveness.

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littleleaf 13 yrs ago
im chinese, my bf is french.

he slept with 2 prostitute and his guy friend 6 months ago, yes 2+2.

and the prositute texted me, called me "stupid bitcx"

i screamed, i cried, i tried to kick him outta my place...

but hell, im still with him, tho i dont love / trust him as same as before.

ori888 hasnt been here since a couple months, i guess she has got back to her bf?

anyway, good luck to her and me.

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