Posted by
velocity
17 yrs ago
Anyone has a mom who disappeared when you, as her daughter, encounter problems in life? As her daughter, when I relocate to another country, I called her daily, sometime twice a day to say hello. But she never, on her own accord, call me or even sms me. And she’s my own flesh and blood.. Anyone in this world has a mom like this?
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I have mentioned a lot of times but it is still an one-way affair. I am lost and am beginning to think that I don't have one. And I tested her by not calling or sms her for almost 25 days. And yet she has not even send a tinkle to me!! At the 10th day of silence, I make an anoymous call to her phone, just to make sure she is ok by being able to answer the phone. I don't know what to do...
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me amd my mother used to be very close. she'd text me and sometimes call me to see how i am, etc.
it was nice since i thought she really cared.. but over conversation would somehow end up with her asking me to give her this and that... which of course i cant. seeing the pay i get every month. (bfore evryone jumps to "your so selfish conclusions, i was a dh before and was sending my family 3/4 of my pay)
she'd get upset with me and would ignore me. that carried on for about a year and a half until i went home the last time, we had a major fall out. and i havent spoken/sms/called her since.
thing is, i have come to realize that she would find ways to make me feelso guilty about something until i would agree to do what she wants.
its daunting when i think about it sometimes coz she is my mom. and nothing will ever change her.
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velocity, maybe you open up to your mom and let her know how you feel. I'm very close to my mom and I always feel guilty when I don't call as often as I should. But she doesn't like celphones, she doesn't own one so SMS is out and she rarely writes as well so I can't expect any written letters from her.
Even though I know she wants to keep in touch regularly, I just can't keep up with all the things happening in my life too. But because I know that she can hardly reach me if I don't keep in touch with her myself, I do the reaching out.
What I'm saying is, there may be a reason why she does not call you at her own time. If you don't talk to her about this, you'd be harboring hard feelings and the longer you wait, the deeper the issue might become.
Good luck!
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Try not to judge your mum too harshly, or take her (non-) actions personally.
Some people have extremely low self-esteem, and she may be afraid of calling - if she thinks she is low on your priority list and doesn't want to intrude or pass her worries onto you.
You may never realize how important and reassuring your calls are to her. I would advise you not to stop calling or imagining she is ignoring you, until you hear it from her herself. Be patient and be gentle.
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Thanks for all you who share your own experiences.
My mum’s phone is under my name for ten years to come and I know from the time she called whom, she has time to keep contact with but always, the person is not me. She has never, on her own, make the first move to keep contact with me for the past ten years…
My MIL and her own daughter are very close. I am not comparing, but it makes me feel extremely sad and overwhelm with emotion, each time my MIL calls her daughter and talks so sweetly… And they live only 30mins apart from each other, calls each other from morning till night… And mine never once in ten years..
Today is almost one whole month since I call or text my own mum… just to test her, and she failed the test completely…
Evertime someone calls out their mum, I am thinking of her, and I think she has all forgotten about me…
I have my own little daughter and am a mum myself. I always emphasized that I love her so much and makes sure she knows that I love her a lot.
But something is missing.. Sigh
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My mum never rings me. I always ring her and don't feel anything is wrong. I don't expect anything from my mum right now. She brought up 5 kids and has done more than enough. I rings her, checks on her and makes sure that she is in sound state by providing financial or emotional support to her. So, the key is expectation. Why should the grown-up children still expect their parents to offer them so much?
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JC, yr words ring a bell and it holds some truth in it. I would break this tradition and spell..
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i havent been in contact with my mom for almost 4months now for the above reason (read my first post)
it wasnt so much as trying to get my attention. we talk everyday. i did it coz i wanted to not coz i have to, my mom is very asian. and in our culture there's this predominant mind set that if youre the oldest child you have to help sort your parents out before you can have you own life.
my mom ran me into debt. she mismanaged the money i entrusted to her. i dont hate her for it because she is my mom. she disowned me, said harsh things.
but you know what? my life now is so much better. i dont have the same pressures that i did before.
i miss her too.. i miss our closeness. but thats it. i dont expect her to get in contact again and neither does she. it hurts sometimes. i have learned to live with it.
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Generation gap and emotional blackmail.
My mother flits around the world spends half the year in Switzerland but because I chose to move to China and marry a Chinese guy she has never forgiven me.
She thawed out a bit when her first grandchild was born but her attitude to my decisions in my life have never changed.I call her all the time and send her things but she hardly ever calls me.Would not set foot in China (Shanghai) although HK is 'civilised' for her and I had to fly down with a baby to meet her.
It hurt at first but she has the idea that I should not be living abroad and will never change it.Some parents want to live your life for you and well can't let that go.
I love my mum but it takes a lot of work to keep it up and I almost gave up more than once,but after all what can I do?She's my mum.
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MayC
17 yrs ago
Velocity, for whatever reasons our mothers don't call us, we must remember that these are the women who have given us their unconditional love and have brought us up so that we can be where we are now.
It doesn't matter who rings who or if we are always the one making the call. If you don't call, both your mother and you will feel lousy. If you call, it shows that you love her and she'll feel good. She'll be able to tell her friends and neighbours that her daughter cares so much that she gets calls daily.
I call my mother in Sydney DAILY. It's cheaper for me and I do so because I'm so grateful for all that she's done for me. I don't keep a tab because I know that even if I call her a hundred times a day, it wouldn't even come close to how much she's done for me.
I say this now because I have a daughter... and I know that someday I may do things that she may not approve of. Before she becomes a mother, she may not even know just how much I love her. But here I am writing this because I know how I would give my life for my daughter and how I'm pretty sure my mother would do the same for me. A mother's love is soooo great..... the generation gap means we show it differently and we go about it differently, nevertheless it is still there. I would call her now, Velocity, I really would ;-)
Momo8, my mum gives me the same lecture about coming here and marrying into a HK Chinese family - too complicated and she still worries about me today.
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Velocity I wasn't trying to hijack the thread just give an insight into my experiences with my mother.
MayC you are spot on about this and I hope that from my experience my children will learn something.
It is not good enough to to let it go.Your mum is your own flesh and blood and you have to go with the flow.I know she constantly worries about me and my family what the kids are eating/medical/schools/my job/husband's family/little things....but it's also part of her getting older and it's out of respect that I make the first move.(Traditional mum) She feels I've deserted her to some degree.
I don't call her daily (haven't worked out a cheap way to call Sydney yet),but every weekend is good and we chat for a long time.Yes Velocity,just keep in touch,your mum needs to know she is needed and wanted as part of your life and I'm sure she will take the initiative one day too.
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Thanks Flashback,I have it but my mother is not connected so I just call her and she hates computers too so hence the problem.
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Try diconnecting that barrier... sometimes you have to give up to get it back... Manipulating might work although i dont recommend tht. You have to start somewhere in order to get back. Hope this helps you....
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Hi V, my dad is the same.
The only time my dad called us now it's because he's short of money. He's got his own family now after he dumped I, my bro and mum.
I started to learn that somtimes your parents don't have to like you. My mum used to say im a mistake anyway. (maybe she was just angry when she said it, but i mean i wouldn't even say stuff like this if i have kids)
I have lack of confidence about everything and im negative about most things apart from my business even im already 27 yrs old. My buz is the only thing i m in control of, that im doing quite well too.
Im sure alot of ppl would tell u "oh your mum loves you she's just forgetful" I've learnt that it's not true. Sometimes ur (in general) parents just don't love you. I don't think my dad loves me..he does try to put the phone down or gives me excuses try not to meet me. Maybe he's scared to face me again or hates me for judging what he did? I don't know but i just don't think he loves me anymore.
So, just leave it. Don't need to waste your time to think about it..Love the ones who love you, who's being around u. Good luck
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