What do Do?

I am posting here to try and get some unbiased opinions about my situation as my mind is not in the right place to think for myself rationally at the moment given some very recent information.


So I am married and have been for about 10 years now and we have no children. A couple years into our marriage, I noticed my spouse's behavior started to changed and seemed a bit odd. To cut things short it turned out my spouse was having an affair. Very shortly after, I found out (days) I committed to my spouse to stay in the relationship and try and work things out. Through counselling, both individually and as a couple, we stayed together and still are today. I must say one of the challenges for me over the time, especially initially after the affair was rebuilding the trust.


This fast forwards me to a few months ago when we were both out and I noticed my spouse appeared to be more interested with the phone and texting than with me and a couple other people that were there. As I was sitting right next to my spouse, I happened to notice part of the message making reference to baby and darling. OK for those who will say I was snooping, go ahead and that I should be careful of what I might find out if I do such things. Obviously part of a message does not imply anything, however given history I am lying if I did not say I was concerned and maybe jumped to the conclusion that something was going on. In any case I did not say anything and for the last several months have been observing things.


Perhaps it was the suspicion in me that was biasing my thinking, but in trying to be unbiased, it was my belief that my spouses behavior was different. Spending a lot of time texting either when we were alone or even when out with others. I also noticed some different behavior in terms of staying out very late on nights when I was not out and some other things.


So fast forward to the present. There's no other way to say it but my ability to trust was clearly not there. My suspicions got the best of me and I felt the need to have a sense of whether something is happening again. So some of you may criticize me for but I needed to find out anything I could and I did some fact finding. Some of this fact finding was some phone messaging. I found some messages that suggested the message a I saw a few months ago, was not something that I had taken out of context. I saw some messages that suggest at a minimum whatever is going on is platonic, but not sure if sexual although I'm inclined to think it is.


This bring me to write this given this very recent information. I know that I do not have a clear mind in which to think with. Part of me thinks to confront my spouse right now. Part of me thinks I should gather some more information and as part of that blow things totally up and bring the other person into this (whom is a colleague of my spouse and who is also married and has children). Then a much smaller part of me (emotion is really moving me to the above scenario) say I should talk with my spouse about things, but I can't imagine me being able to feel any level of trust (again likely part of the emotion).


I realize the above is a someone pointed picture of things from my viewpoint. As we all know, there are two people in a relationship and as I learned during and after the affair both parties have to accept responsibility at some level and I wouldn't suggest anything with the current events. There are two of us involved.


As I've said at the time of writing this, I'm not in the correct mindset to make any decisions, but I felt the need to communicate something and hopefully get some level headed thoughts from people rather than let this build up in side.

Confront your spouse about your suspicisions. You have every right to snoop on their messages given their history. Ask your spouse to explain all the messages on the phone. Tell your spouse you will confront the other person.


In addition, go see a good lawyer.


Doesn't sound good, but you need to stay strong and be prepared.


You deserve better than this.


Also confide in a best friend.

same here. Talk to him, you deserve to know the truth. Not knowing with all these suspicion is totally stressful...


for a start, no one calls their colleagues baby and darling...

you must confront him so you know what to do next.

if he continues having an affair, then you should divorce and move on, find another man while you still can. there's very little chance that he will stop, only when he gets older with less libido.

Thanks for the inputs thus far. Indeed, not knowing with certainly is stressful. I have a total emptiness feeling and feeling very sad that I may have just wasted the last 8 or so years trying to trust again and bebuild my marraige and I am faced with the fact that is may have been all for not. Somehow I feel the need to be more certain before confronting my spouse, however. As I mentioned above, what I've seen suggests something platonic, but I'm not sure if sexual. Perhaps if I try to get more information, it could take a while to confirm if there was something sexual.


What if this is not sexual and is really flirtatious texting and/or platonic relationship. Given the lack of trust I feel after how hard I have worked the last 8 or so years to rebuild it, I feel like there is no way I can ever rebuild it or expend any engergy to even begin to try again.


While I fear for the worst, I am also trying to consider a lesser scenrio. I would like to hear anyones thoughts if this turned out to be non sexual, and just plantonic and/or fiirtatious texting?

I disagree with some of the other posters : You don't have the right to snoop.

However, given the history, you have good reason to be concerned.


A direct confrontation leads to denial, and more deception. I advise against it.


You should tell him you love and care about him (think sweet, not confrontational), and want to make him happy. Ask if there is anything lacking. Tell him you love him so much, you don't want to lose him. Then slowly let him know about your fears. Work on him with sugar & see how he reacts.



Good Luck

A mature man in a stable, loving, relationship does not use terms like "baby" or "darling" in the way you have described. It sounds to me like he is either immature, or a liar.

Sorry I just notice that you avoided the use of any pronouns and instead only used "my spouse". But regardless of whether you're in a straight or gay relationship, (i myself am in a gay relationship), i think the best way to deal with this is to just talk. I wouldn't say confront, because that automatically connotes that you are accusing him of doing something wrong and that can cause more problems especially if you don't have any concrete evidence. i think you guys should talk about whether both of you are still happy in the relationship because ultimately that is the reason why someone would veer away from one in search for another. obviously i don't know your exact situation, but if you think there is a lot to there to work for, then you should work on it together. but in the end if you're always worried that your spouse is not happy and keeps looking elsewhere, then you'll find it hard to be happy yourself. i have never been married, so i can't know the implications of one, much less a 10-year marriage, but if neither of you are happy and it hasn't been working for a while, then you have to ask yourself if your happiness is worth it just to keep your relationship.

Emotional cheating can be just as hurtful and should not be tolerated in a monogamous relationship. Let’s face it, flirtatious texting leads to sex eventually (otherwise what’s the point?!) and platonic relationship usually only happens to the elderly, or …a 5-yr old.

I’d say confront / talk to (whatever you wanna call it) your spouse (calmly) and see what he/she has to say (or else all these guessing would just drive you nuts)…even if he/she tries to deny everything, you should be able to tell the truth one way or the other. Hopefully after 10 years of marriage, you should be able to distinguish whether he/she is lying or not. Trust your gut feelings.

And if you choose to believe your spouse (that he/she is innocent), let him/her know that the texting is making you feel anxious and not helping you to rebuild the trust in him/her. If your spouse genuinely wants to make it work, he/she will do whatever it takes to make you feel secure and loved, and that includes terminating those flirtatious texting and/or having platonic relationship with another person. Good luck!

Thanks to those who repsonded and provided your thoughts. I do appreciate it. I have been out of town the last couple days and while this has obviously been top of mind for me, I have managed to be busy with some work things that has helped to take my mind off of this at times. This has helped me think a bit clearer althought I am still very upset and saddened by what I believe the situation to be.


I don't think that if is platonic or lesser in nature this is necessarily acceptable, however just looking for others inputs and opinions again to keep me a level headed as I can be about the situtation. Ten years is some time together and there are also financial considerations to consider so I need to be sure and ready for taking action.


I have managed to calm down over the situation and have begun to accept the fact that if my spouse feels the need to reach out to someone sexually or in non sexual form that something clearly is not working between us and am resigned to the fact that part of that has to do with me.


The longer I think about this, the more I fail to see how being confrontational will solve anything other than allow me to vent for a bit and really what I need to so is basically just end this without confrontation (of course after having sought some legal advice). After the affair, at the time, I still valued many of my spouses qualities that brought us together in the first place, however given this recent situation my ability to trust is simply not there. Even if we talked through this current situation, I fear that I will always have doubt in the back of my mind and obviously that does not make for a healthy relationship.


By the way as I wanted unbiased comments I made reference to spouse and not husband or wife. While not all of the responses made an assumption, several made the assumption that I am the wife in this relationship, yet none suggested I was the husband and found this imbalance / bias interesting as I am the husband in this relationship.


Thanks again for your responses. After I seek some legal advise and figure this out, I shall post an update.

you need to get your spose into bed and make love


then, in the midst of love making, you need to shout out some name other than his or hers


and when questioned about it, you need to deny all knowledge of it


last, but not least, if you resume the love making, look for an opportune moment to shout out the name again!


afterall this, just sit back, relax, watch the show, and get your lawyers to start drawing up the divorce papers


Now, will this change the situation.....NO


But will it make you feel better......Damn Right It Will!