Falling out of love?

My husband is ALWAYS working. Whenever I try to mention to him that I'm not happy, he tells me to go buy myself another pair of shoes or a new dress. I told him that I needed more of HIM, not shopping. He said "don't tell me that I'm not there for you, when I'm always there buying you things!".


He always says he loves me to bits and I'm the most important thing in the world to him. But his actions don't show that. He says that he's working hard so that he can get me whatever I wanted in the world.


I have a successful career with a very large firm, I earn good money. I don't need anyone else to buy me things. I think I'm falling out of love with him. All I feel now is resentment.

Typical boy / girl issue. Maybe give him one of those him / her type books before you move out:-). I think maybe you are just feeling a bit insecure and unloved. Maybe there are more serious issues behind your feelings? He has to realise that you want him and his time/energy not things. How about seducing him? You could padlock him to the bed when he's asleep and not let him go until he listens to you!

Hello JC - he doesn't buy me gifts. He's just there putting it all on the credit card (our joint account btw) when I am out buying things. The last time I got flowers from him was for our third year dating anniversary, which was 5 years ago.


Flashback - no, no kids... will be married for three years this October. I don't think there are other women on the side. He sometimes comes home at 7pm and works in the study till 1-2am. I think he just loves his job - it defines who he is. He's in a very senior role, so he would have the flexibility to take some time off if he chose to. He has shingles at the moment, but is still working ridiculous hours and travelling!


We used to be able to talk to each other when we first met. About anything and nothing really... now all we talk about is the chores and admin stuff. Speaking of chores, he does not do any either, not even taking the bins out to the rubbish chute 10 meters from our apartment door.


As for seducing him, that is not a problem. He always has time for sex... every time when I say I want to talk, he would say he's too busy. But if I offered sex instead, he would have time for a break. Then he'd go straight back to the study. So I often joke it's sex, work then wife for him.


Don't get me wrong, he is a very good person. I am sure he doesn't mean to hurt me. He's just very bad at prioritising I suppose. Our friends always call us the 'trophy couple', because we're both successful, have beautiful homes in a prestigious area and have nice things. I feel so ungrateful for not being happy.

I am so sorry to hear about your husband flashback.


Some very wise advice from everyone. I actually took up pole dancing and French. Now am very aerial at pole dancing and going nowhere in French...


The trouble is, we do all that stuff, we have yearly subscriptions to the opera, the theatres, the orchestra... we go see Christina and Gwen and Sir Elton ... we host dinner parties every couple of months. It's all picture perfect on that front to our friends and families.


He is a good man, he loves me (and our two cats). But we've had this conversation numerous times and he's always promised to make more effort... Three years later, there's been no change.


I spent our last wedding anniversary (our second!!) on my own and bought myself flowers because he was travelling and forgot.


I am really tired of these merry-go-round heart-to-hearts that get us no where. It's quite scary when I first caught myself wishing I was in a different relationship.

I am sorry to hear that your life feels so unfulfilling. I do feel for you. It’s hard to say whether your husband is one of the fortunate few who has found a job that he truly loves, or whether his compulsion to work is a way of avoiding deeper issues. It is clear that your life together is out of balance. Perhaps you can strive for more balance in your life together? It appears that you’ve asked your husband repeatedly to devote more time toward the two of you. It certainly doesn’t sound as though you’re destitute or need to continue on the same treadmill.


How does he define success? Is his self-worth dependent upon having material things and status? Is the outward appearance of your marriage more important to him than the substance? If so, perhaps it’s hard for him to understand what is important to you in your relationship. Otherwise there may be deeper issues that are preventing him from connecting with you. It sounds as though he sees sex as an obligation more than a means of sharing special time with you. Have you considered getting some marital counseling? I think that it is best to act on this problem rather than hoping that he’ll change somewhere down the road…….it isn’t going to happen without some effort on his part.

Flashback, I agree completely with you. You are very wise! :)

Thank you everyone for your advice. Flashback you ARE very wise! :-)


I think I do crave more romance and intimacy in our lives. I miss the anticipation, the butterflies in the stomach, holding hands... We don't hold hands anymore.


At the end of the day, he does love me and tells me so daily. He thinks we are happy. I suggested that we see someone to talk about things, he was very surprised and says that he is perfectly happy in our marriage. Maybe we're on completely different levels to each other. And you're right, he wasn't raised with intimacy by his family. He has a particularly strained love-hate relationship with his mother.


Will definitely check out the 5 languages of love and see if I can find some helpful hints! I just wish I could stop feeling so resentful and angry. My marriage seems to bring out the worse in me and I hate how it makes me feel.

Bunnykins-


Feel good about yourself, you are reaching out! There is hope, reflect on who you are and what you really love. Remember your values beyond your emotions. Go for that Patagonia hike, dance class or see some great friends that know you both. And invest in books, therapy/counseling. But don't get drastic yet, keep your emotions in check for a while longer, especially if you are a decisive person.


I feel like i'm reading parts of my own story but then from my wife's viewpoint here. The difference is that we're a few chapters further. She decided to move on and i did not pick up any strong signals prior to her decision to separate from me. Neither did anyone else around us but that does not really matter. I'm accountable for my behavior, and so is she for her own. I'm in the present now and separated and don't feel I'm going to see us get reconciled. You are not there yet, so invest and work it.



Look at what JC said: "communication is all about the response you illicit...if you are not hearing what you want to hear, communicate differently". Exactly. You can't assume you are 'right or not listened to" by believing that what you said or how you said it SHOULD have been heard. That's your ego talking, even if your stories are backed up by friends. People listen differently and lock up sometimes if sensitive issues are raised. Or when other stressful events are taking place at the same time (his work?). Lack of intimacy may cause your husband to walk away in these situations especially when he is tired. He probably does not stand stil by the need to recognize his own feelings, let alone yours....No excuse, but it does require awareness and an investment by both of you to work on this, especially if you are raised differently.


Go back to when you decided to get married. You probably had great conversations, fun times, and shared some form of intimacy. It felt warm, close and right for yourself, or not? You also likely believed that you could be yourself with him,feel appreciated, supported, but grow and learn. Your positive experiences together are worth living for. You decided to get married, realizing that you'll have to live through ups and downs in order to grow together. Why did you commit the vows of marriage? Not just because of fuzzy feelings, moralistic values, family pressure or religious reasons. But you probably believed you could develop yourself further, reach a higher level of happiness if you could overcome life's difficulties. Your friendship and intimacy would be able to grow.


I can go on here, but ask yourself the question what it takes for you to be happy as a person. Now. And what it takes for your partner to support you. Work on this together. I like flashback's tips as to how you can create a setting that will instill a positive mood for your husband. He will relax a bit. Then you bring up what you like to work on together. Use a counselor, talk with him and don't give up yet please. But tell him it's serious and you need his help and commitment.

Look at it from his point of view too.


He expects his wife to 'support' him emotionally while he is working his butt off making squillions.He is looking at the bigger picture not the 'now' picture.


If you are unhappy and dissatisfied he tells you to go out and buy yourself something.Sounds like you don't know each other's needs and wants that well.


You are in a plateau situation but what is the long term plan for you two? Being in a different country can be a make or break time too.Does he think you two are now working towards saving money for the future of the family? Then he won't be able to see what your problem is and why you are so unhappy.


He will just take the stance that he is doing his best and you are complaining."I'm doing all I can and she's too needy,demanding"


If this is a short term thing and when the contract is over and you go back then let him have his space and involve yourself in different things.


His work is his priority now he is proving himself to himself and thinks you should appreciate that and no books or good advice will make him change that.Don't obsess over this and stop nagging him about it.