Posted by
littlefire
15 yrs ago
Just found out my husband slept with a hooker while I was away during a brief separation. He apologised, said he was wrong and seemed to try to justify it by saying we were 'separated' when it happened.
I feel like I have been gutted.
What the hell do I do now? Am I overreacting by wanting to leave him immediately?
I asked him WHY, he couldnt give me an answer.
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were you separated or not? seems to me to be quite a key issue, honestly
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We had some problems, I left to be with family for support (no family here in HK) and decide wether to try to patch things back together...
While away we had regular contact, decided to make things work so I came back.
It happened in the first week I was gone. Been back a month and told me last night.
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I will refer you to another similar thread posted earlier on this forum. Get some inspiration, might help.
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Well, if you will go in for these brief separations. That's a red flag to a guy; it basically means "I don't want you at the moment and even if I do come back I can't be relied upon to stick around". This is harsh but I think he now has the excuse to do what he damn well pleases.
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Doesnt feel like nothing and right now he doesnt seem like a nice man
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where are all the 'tell the truth' advocates from the other thread now? perfect example what truth does to a relationship.
i am afraid but i think this is one is going to break down
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Your right Cookie, I wish he had'nt told me, things were so 'on track'.
I dont know why he decided to tell me in the first place.
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I truly do not understand this. If he wanted to try and make things work between you two, why tell you? It just isn't something someone would do if they really wanted to patch things up unless he got fooled by " just be honest with me and everything will be okay" line.
How brief was your separation? I'm guessing that since you were having problems, there was no sex before you left. The length of time you two have not been intimate with each other is also something you should consider.
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I would suggest you talk to your husband. Try to see if your problems that led to your brief separation can be ironed out since that is the root. Then you have to do some thinking and ask yourself if you can find it in you to put this all behind and start over.
As hurtful as this relevelation of his is to you, he came out with the truth. Why he did I still don't understand, but he was honest. Maybe he wanted to start fresh and put it all out on the table.
Maybe some counseling for the both of you would help before making a decision.
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He's probably been reading the other thread where half the posters advocate telling everything.
Now we see the problems inherent in such a path.
Littlefire, he was obviously trying to clean the slate for a fresh start. As you say, he apologised and said he was wrong. He didn't find a new girlfriend. He probably went out to drown his sorrows at being separated and one thing lead to another. Give him the benefit for being honest and open.
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I think bangin' a ho is the real issue, not why he told the truth. You was gone, he was lonely, upset, frustrated, didn't know when or if you was comin back....
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For the guys who love to be honest: "I told you so".
Now for the OP. Let's deconstruct this baby:
"Just found out..."
He wasn't honest from the beginning but simply cornered. Probably he found something, then she guessed he was with somebody. He thought she knew more than she did, so decided to "tell the truth" (I will come back to that in a second). Lesson for guys: When cornered, always deny. Deny even if she has pictures of you with someone else. Deny even if she is actually sitting in the bed where you are lying with someone else. Always deny because chances are she only knows half of the story...
...but back to the topic, let's examine his "telling you the truth".
Are you sure he slept with a hooker? You see, smart men don't just "tell the truth". They tailor it. He may have a lover (you mentioned you guys "had problems" for a while) and realized that, since he had to say something, better say something minimal that will satisfy your concerns without looking like a threat to you. A hooker is way less threatening than a lover, and a hooker can always be a "one time thing". In the other hand (personal observation) I find hard to believe that a western guy will have any problem at all to get women in HK without paying. I have seen married men (two of my coworkers, to be exact) having young pretty women hunting them even though they both told them that they were married...
...ups! got sidetracked again!
I have the weird feeling that there is more to it than just "bangin' a ho", so help me to better understand your situation and I will give you a better answer. My question is:
Why did he tell you? Did anything prompted that conversation? You really need to think hard, because the key to save your marriage is there. If you were suspicious, or upset, he might think you knew he was having an affair...
Let us know!
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spurtio -
"He's probably been reading the other thread where half the posters advocate telling everything.
Now we see the problems inherent in such a path."
Are the problems in the telling of the truth, or the deed itself?
At any rate - for some couples, cheating is a deal breaker.
I suppose, for the OP, it is better to know now, so you can make a decision and get on with your life. If you base your relationship on lies, or 'hiding the truth', then it will be difficult to have an honest and trusting relationship.
Best wishes for sorting through this emotional tangle.
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Hi Little Fire,
I can understand you "over-reacting" to the news. I can imagine it would feel like a kick in the stomach to find this out, even if you were "separated".
Your emotions are all over the place but try also to keep a level head.
Firstly, you WERE on a break of some sort. I'm sure your husband probably knew he was doing something wrong but at the same time, it is a sort of justification for his actions.
I also think you should be careful not to over-react to the news, because then your husband will never be honest with you again!
The important thing now is: can you forgive him and can you be sure he won't do it again?
I think you need to have a heart-to-heart talk about your feelings, and this includes finding out whether what he told you was the truth (ie. as Cowboy said, was it really a hooker etc etc).
He needs to know what you're feeling. You need to know that he will be loyal in future and he's really contrite.
Remember: things were "on track" before this revelation so don't let it derail what could end up being a good relationship. He made have made just a single error - AND it was while you were on a break.
Talk to him some more.
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I think he is either naively clearing the air for a fresh start or basically socking it to you. I mean if he has slept with a prostitute and admitted it, that puts you in an extremely weak negotiating position. It's bit like saying, "Take it or leave it". Statistically, if he is willing to sleep with prostitutes and be up-front about it then that multiplies the number of potential partners he could take at any time by a factor of ten. In addition to the working girls, you have all the local good-time girls (not prostitutes), husband-grabbers and mainland ladies that fancy a bit of fling. There are at least ten of thousands of these people within one hour of your home. Unless he was trying for a fresh start then it looks really bad in my view. There is nothing worse for a guy than a trial separation - if that's what it was. It's worse than walking out on him. It's showing you don't take him seriously which is why I suspect he mentioned the prostitute.
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I would say he has the excuse of having done so during a separation. Can feel nasty for a woman who usually doesn't react like this to a separation, but to me understandable, and forgivable.
Yes he told the truth, that's more than you can say compared to some men here, so in a way, you're lucky. I would be more suspicious of the nature of the guy if he hadn't told you, he would probably think it was rather easy and nice and might intend on going on. Less likely if he has told you, I have the feeling...
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littlefire, he told you he slept with someone after you guys decided to get together again. it seems like to say " i still like you, but i also like sleep with others, you want stay or not, its your choice". so still its your choice.
I am 100% sure he will cheat again afterwards (he would even say, i told you before...) , otherwise he doesn't need to tell you truth .
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dunno your man but if he honestly told you, let it pass if you decided to get back together. He needed an escape and he did it while you were not with him. I read others replies which are 'cheat again' stuff bla bla... is easy to be pesticmistic as rage dominant.
you ask yourself, do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man ? Will this man stand by you for better or worse ? don't take labels for love...should be this and should be that...
you know best. Others even like me will not know better than you.
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THE DUDE WAS BANGIN A WHORE.....which means he noticed the GREAT NUMBER of brothels here and thought he would get a taste. since he was involved in a realationship, it is a pain free way of getting your rocks off without a call back.....no fuss, no muss.
I hate to be so blunt, but this is how a man thinks. I know cuz I am a man...granted, I am happily married but I was not at one time...(ask my first wife). I never confessed I was with a hooker, thought I was not when I was with her.
I know how it is likely for a man to do so for about $350 and 45 minutes....the way I see it is this guy was most likely goin for a "session" while the breaks were on the sex life at home. Did he seem a little closed off? a little distant? sometimes this is a way for a man to take the back exit from a relationship, it is cheap I know but that is the nature of some men.
I prey every day that I am never stupid and treat my wife in this manor. I KNOW she deserves better, as does my daughter.
But another reason he told you is due to his urge to end the relationship, just like any man...he has the strong emotional ties to you but also feels this is a way to end things. Hurting you is going to stain a relationship greatly, why give you the advantage over him unless he wants you to break things off.
Who knows, I could be wrong in my assumptions, I would hope I am, but I feel these are some of the primal emotions envolved. I hope I am just another pessimist you can shrug off also. I hope I am not too offensive either.
Peace
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LITTLEFIRE - you were separated at the time .... none of your damn business what he did, because it's a separation.....
The moral of the story is think carefully before separating from your partner. The emotionally damaged people in these threads always advise leaving ... they want you to be lonely, bitter and cynical like them... think carefully first... the law of unintended consequences makes fools of us all.
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"LITTLEFIRE - you were separated at the time .... none of your damn business what he did, because it's a separation..... "
It is my damn business what my husband does when I am not here. We are married and no where in our vows did it say he can f**k a hooker if I happen to be away. Honestly, what is the measure of a man that thinks it is acceptable to do this and justify it because his wife is not here.
What is the measure of a man that thinks that it is acceptable full stop.
It is NOT ok behaviour, he had no respect for me or the unfortunate women he paid to have sex with.
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Littlefire,
stop playing the hurt one and get a grip on reality
If you really believed it was your business what your husband did, you would not have deserted him and flown half way across the world without him and left him on his own. Or did your marriage vows that you like to refer to not include the words "for better for worse"?
Read your own words "We had some problems, I left to be with family for support (no family here in HK) and decide wether to try to patch things back together...
While away we had regular contact, decided to make things work so I came back." It doesn't sound like when you went away you had much thought on coming back.
He didn't f**k a hooker when you just happened to be away, he f**ked a hooker when you upped sticks and deserted him, with little intention of coming back.
In which case I think you should consider yourself lucky that he wants to put things right and make things work.
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your husband cheated on you, he's sorry and tried to be honest and maybe want a clean slate.
the question is, do you still want him back despite all his crap? review your feelings, do you think you can REALLY forgive and forget? can you trust him AGAIN? cause if not, i think you should leave him and move on. relationship without trust will make an ugly version of yourself.
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Little Fire,
Separated is a marital status - along with Divorced, Widowed, etc. It indicates you are no longer living under the same roof, as a precursor to divorce.
my response was based on your statement that you were separated.... i.e. heading for a divorce, and already one of you had moved out.
Judging by your response, you were NOT Separated.... You were just out of town.... So disregard my comments.
Apologies for any distress. Hope you can work things out.
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