i am confused with a divorced man

i am troubled...


i met this guy 15yrs ago at work, i think he liked me cos he cant kept his eyes off me, this lasted close to 2yrs, he gets jealous abt my boss as we were close, so i have no space for him, i found his starring too stressful and treated him badly, and then one day he got angry and left and we lost contact thereafter.


last nov, i found him in facebook and we kept in touch again.


he is divorced, almost 6yrs now. he is open and never reserve to speak about his divorced and his marriage. we msn almost everyday, initially, our conversation wass how much he loves her and how heartless she was to leave him -- he set up a business for her to run, their marriage became problematic as he has a job that demands his full attention, the biz failed eventually and she lost over 100k, she left him and debts for him to pay & 3 yrs after they divorced. so he is heart broken.


as we dont see each other in msn, so its kinda easy to say things, we started to tell each other more things about ourselves and our past relationship. and i kinda feeling really close to him. we have a lot in common, financially, we are on par, so i am not afraid to share with him my financial & future plans... which i have problems with other men as they feel intimidated


i kinda have a strong feeling with him now, however, i think he is more interested in being just friends. 3mths ago, he told me: he had a fling with a good friend 1yr after his wife left him, she was a lesbian and he din expect her to love him for the past 10yrs, they were good friend and this girl also try to help him with his marriage after his wife left. one day, she confessed and he said to be friends first and thereafter she becomes more daring in teasing him & have physical contact and they ended up in bed. 3mths later, she demand attention he cant give & commit, so she left him and now they seldom contact. he is sad & said he din expect her to take it as a relationship! i was so disappointed with him and we had a really intense discussion regarding this.


after this, i sent him a mail that i was feeling attached to him and i kinda crazy, as i am attaching myself to a virtual him, visualizing him as a perfect man who loves his wife. but never expect him to bed his good friend just 1 yr later, i now see the other side of him, and is disappointed and feel that i should stop doing this, and never cross the line, staying only as friend.


he replied he could sense our friendship growing everyday and sometimes he is afraid and delibretely wanna cool off by not msn me. he likes me as a friend & do not wish to go down that road like what he has done before, and its just too soon, we only met twice and we just discovered new thing about each other...


however, these 3 mths, we still msn a lot... and even closer and we would tell each other our problems and worries...he always listen and advise. he would even tell me his sexual problem in bed, even his house reno, he would want me to help him check out defects as i am more experience. when he went business trip, he would ask me what do i need and he will get for me... all these, i truly have no idea if there is some possibility tat he also has a interest in me now. and i am troubled.


i have told him many times that i wish to go new york, 3wks ago, he said he is planning for his holiday to ny, and then i told him i wanna go, he just kept quiet, no yes and no no.


i am also troubled by another thing, now, he started to complain about his ex wife, being messy, being lazy, being too money minded, being this and that... and when i mentioned abt the business he set up for her, he was unhappy as it brings back memories that debtors after him for money, he said he almost killed himself... all these, i believe show that he still haven got over his ex yet... and i am losing confidence...


i truly hate myself for being so useless... he is having his diving trip now, the past few days, he has been working late, as in, work for 2 days without sleep, and i have delibretely not msn him and blocked him. and i intend continue to so so after he comes back... to cool myself down...


i need advise... many thanks. is he interested...?

yup, that's what i think so, just stop sitting infront of the computer and indulge myself in my own dream.


i did realized the difference between the msn him and the physical him when we meet up. in msn, he is such a loving person, but physically, he can be those kick a** type. however, we dont flirt in msn, keeping it as friends talking about our work, life, future & retire plan...


but he really does work hard, as he is always on msn, his home hasnt got internet connection. he owns a post tv production company, besides supervising his staff, he needs to attend meetings & presentations and also get business in. he doesnt drink or go clubbing, he is into buddhism & meditating now.


as for his new york trip, he mentioned that he is going there by himself. for the past few years, he is always travelling on his own and he is kinda used to travelling alone, going anywhere he wants, some trips, he wil meet his friend in that country.


i kinda feel sad trying to leave him because when i failed my driving test recently, he was the first to consolde me and the first to msn me wat happened (have text few friend at the same time that i fail and sad). so he is kinda like part of my life now... and he got me my favourite credit card holder from bangkok where my good friend cant even find. :(

fatdolphin, deep down you know he is not right for you. You seem lonely & vulnerable. I know guys who would eat you up & spit you out if given the chance on MSN.


this i agree and dats y i am sad & hate bout myself.


however, i am a jovial and outspoken girl. always the centre of attention, i look bout 10yrs younger than my age, would say still quite attractive :) and not short of suitors, however, i just like him only and has rejected the rest.


though i know pretty well that he is not ready, somehow i just cant control my emotion. he always mentioned that this divorced has messed up his life, esp he has to pay for her debts which he was only a poor worker during that time. that's why after that, he works very hard and achieved what he has now.

I dont know about anyone else but, I have an opinion.


fatdolphin - sometimes in life it is important to be outright honest with people, kinda the whole "cruel to be kind" thing.


In all honesty - this guy was a desperado the first time you knew him. You knew that then. Now what changed in that 15 years besides him marrying and getting divorced? Did the roles reverse?


I ask this because, facebook, like friends reunited, is deceiving to a lot of folks who are so desperate to reconnect to a part of themselves, their youth that they have lost.


How old are you? Would you consider yourself a confident person? Are you kinda distressed about your single status? Do you think maybe you are fantasizing that this guy will be your ultimate "marriage ticket"? Why would you think just by hinting about wanting to go to New York that somehow he is supposed to invite you along?


I ask these questions because I am assuming you are a grown woman who is somehow infantalizing her view of the world. Are you that keen for a relationship that you would, knowing full well that its easy to be more open in cyberspace, literally open yourself to something that you pretty much know has got "road kill" written all over it?


You are not the better person for taking on some invisible hurt. The guy and you don't have a life together. Simple facts. So he screwed his lesbian friend a YEAR after his wife left him. I would say, lucky sod! I mean, a whole year without getting laid??? WOW! Kudos to him and shame that his friendship got messed up for it. *shrug* What exactly did you need to discuss about a past you had nothing to do with? That whole story bears the putrid stench of insecurity that really, if I can be kind enough to tell you, maybe you can see it too and get on with your life...your REAL life.


Some people like to attach themselves psychologically to the unattainable or the unworthy so as they can feel more "holier than thou" or better about themselves. You dont need that to make you feel better.


If you sit there saying "I cant control my emotions" then thats what you will do. You want to be weak, then by all means, be weak. If you want to change, get on out there, talk to a therapist and get over your need to feel needed coz this guy, you already know the answer, he's not available. So what if he dives? So what if he travels alone? You want him to feel guilt for that? Or you are just moping that you dont have plans like that of your own?


You cant be included in a life you arent really a part of. The reality of the matter is your idealization of your fantasy for the future is pretty much destroying your present! I always say "You spend your life with one foot in the past and one foot in the future, you end up pissing all over the present!"


I would suggest you get with living in the now. You may be jovial and outspoken, you may even look 10 years under your age and be told you are attractive...but if it is true that you are not short of suitors why are you hell bent on going after someone you rejected in the past and who is quite obviously rejecting you now. The truth of the matter is that he isnt ready and he will not be ready in the future either. You know he has said it but you seem to be waiting for him to change his mind and its obvious he hasnt had the balls enough to just tell you direct to end it all. If you are as hard a worker and an overachiever as you say you are...then best put your mind to working on YOU instead on trying to convince someone to like you when you could be doing so much better.


*long intake of breath* Phew, tough to say that all in one breath!


Good luck! I mean it. You have already heard the cliche, but you do deserve more...and if you decide to get off the pity train, you know you will definetely go places you previously only dreamed of, and you will meet someone far better suited for you than the chump you have your sights set on now.


JC

PS - anyone that sits there whinging about how divorce has messed up their lives hasnt really known how to live their lives right. In life some relationships work, some dont, no use sitting there whining about how some didnt work. Get on with it. You dont need to sit there psychoanalyzing someone who cant stop whining about a divorce when really its you who needs to question why you bother listening and getting bent out of shape about what you hear.

Fat dolphin


I agree with Justin Credible, but I will be more blunt.


The man could not maintaint a balanced relationship with you 15 yrs ago.


The many may not have been able to maintain a balanced relationship with his wife. You have only heard one side of the story, and that is that it is all HER fault. Unlikely.


He seems to be a risk. A risk that you really don't need.

You seem a little unsure yourself, trust your instincts. Walk away. You can still be friends, but you don't need to get involved.

yes, he was grumbling about his wife the other day, so i answered back that he shouldnt always blame her, she may have her story to share, we should look at both side of the story. he was a little unhappy about my remarks and asked me not to bring up the buisiness thing, cos the amount of debts his wife made him paid, almost made him kill himself.


we are only friends at the moment. as for the ny trip why i find it annoying, becos mths ago, he was the one suggested that we go for a tour this year, and i always wanted to go ny.


2 wks ago, before he went for his business trip, he suggested passing me his house keys so that i can help him meet up his contractor to check out his house defects. and then i kinda feel troubled, bcos we are friends only, i dont feel comfortable having the responsibility to do the checking for him. however, this also could means that he is starting to have trust in me? after our last meet up at his place, we msn and he told me he couldnt have sex with his partner and that's y he always say that he is not going to have sex in his new house. friends told me that this also could means that he is more comfortable and feels that he can trust me now, and thus would share with me his personal fear-- sex, he finds it stressful to have sex cos he may be impotent, cant or take very long to eject (which i'm not vry sure its erect or eject...)


we are in this topic bcos he doesnt want to do curtain for his house, he wanted to get single bed, his wife use this reason to divorce him etc, so i always find it strange... however, we dun flirt in msn and he knows i dont sleep around.


actually these few mths i can feel our friendship grows deeper. talking to him becomes part of my life, when i'm happy or sad. we would even talk about retiring in chiangmai, i want to go chiangmai becos of the good air, i have slight ashtma, i would want to set up a boutique hotel with spa facilities and he buys the idea. when he goes for business trip, he would help to get my beloved stingray credit cardholder as present, he would help me bring back local property classifieds and check out property buyin tips etc...


i am confused that do i really like him or i just enjoy his companionship...


and i know pretty well that i gonna keep this as friendship now...

Run away. Find somebody without all the baggage.

Sounds to me like you are stuck with a burnt out, baggage laden man who is past firing blanks. I dont get what the confusion on "What to do" is...


I mean, as I said, unless its you that is past your sell by date, I think you are probably hanging on to this hanger onner because you need the companionship or to feel needed.


I think the relevance of the curtains or no curtains or the keys or no keys or the NY trip or no NY trip is pretty much all water under the bridge...you are attaching significance to minute details which, when all added up, still amount to very little.