Posted by
Tehanu
19 yrs ago
I caught an STD from my boyfriend who I've now split up with. Unfortunately there is no cure, but it is manageable. I've just started dating someone new and I don't know when/how to tell him and am scared at how he'll react.
Has anyone here been in my situation? How did you handle it?
Has anyone been on the receiving end of such a disclosure? How did you react?
What would be the best way to be told?
And for anyone who hasn't experience this - how do you think you'd react? Could you cope with a partner with an STD? Please don't spare my feelings, I want honest answers.
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i was told once by a guy - he handed me the pills i should take to treat it. I had no symptoms or problems - so i most probably never caught the bug. i wasn't too pleased. Actually i was quite traumatised at that moment in time. It was something rather innoccuous and i've had pap smears since then which showed that i don't have it - so i guess i was lucky.
it's a very touchy issue. don't let him in without protection.
It would be better to tell him before not after so he can make an informed choice. It's fair to him and he'll be happier with you as well.....I think.
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I would never sleep with anyone prior to telling him! I just want to know what might be the best way to tell potential partners, how to cope with possible rejection, etc. I would never mislead someone like that.
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There's no nice way to break the news. And you shouldn't feel bad or that it's your fault. A bug is a bug is a bug, whether it gives you influenza or malaria or whatever.
You will need to be mentally prepared for eventuality of him opting out of taking your relationship to a physical level.
good luck and don't wait too long.
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Life
19 yrs ago
I think you need to date the guy (without sex) long enough to see if this relationship could possibly go somewhere. Don't be a chicken, flat out tell him you are not ready for it to become sexual. If he likes you enough, he will stick around, otherwise, he will leave. THEN when you are in a serious enough, relationship, break it to him gently. That way he can decide if from what he knows about you and how he cares/feels about you, he can handle your situation.
In my humble opinion, if you tell him too early in the relationship, he will bolt. I know I would as that is a lot of risk for something that is not very certain.
So what happened to the bf who gave it to you from his ex gf who called on the phone to tell him. Was he cheating on you? Or did the ex really give it to him? Who broke up with whom?
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Well I didn't really dig into it. I believe when he says that he caught it from her a year agao - it can take a ong time for any symptoms to show up. And... he broke up with me. Because it became obvious I wasn't that into him anymore
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Would anyone here willingly date someone with an STD?
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New guy may not even be an issue any more as he hasn't called - I think because I was being responsible and doing as I know I ought by not letting him into my knickers straight away.
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Sorry, 'willingly' was a poor choice of wording. What I meant was, if we're really honest, how many of us would be willing to continue a relationship with someone with HIV, herpes, whatever?
I'd like to think I would but I'm not sure.
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The big difference with your parents is that they were already together when she was diagnosed. They'd already established intimacy.
If I ever get a new partner to tell it to, they'll be just that: a new partner. Almost a stranger.
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if i were you let him go out of your sight,or if you love him then talked to him for supporting him i know he'll understan you a lot or,look STD was a serious sh*t of your life it can be ruin your damn relationship but if yo' relation was still comin back that's bcoz u love him well it's up to you to force him to make changes.you don't need to scared-off,all yo' have to do is have faith and strong just a little prayr if god damn exist;well sort of,maybe you can try. for you tehanu don't give up ya bf std sh*t,you have to talked to him on purpose that concerning about
well people sumtym changed you to encouraged him to change or wake him up.........
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lulu
19 yrs ago
Hey, just a silly question, how to dignose STD? blood test or pap smear?
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actually how many of us ask potential partners in the beginning of the relationship (before having sex the first time) to perform STD tests? I know this is recommended but as far as I know not many do it.
I think STDs like HPV is a silent bug-you only know many years on if you have problems.Gonorrhoes and Chlamydia can be silent in women too.
Even serial monogamous people (1 long term monogamous relationship at a time)can get it as they dont know who gave it to them and at which point in time.(unless you've only had 1 partner your entire life)
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Very good point Balzac. One I wish I had kept in mind at the tme
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How have you been, Tehanu? I hope you've kept your immune system up and not had any further breakouts since.
I know things are very hard for you. But the only way to go is first to determine if there is a connection/ relationship potential between the two of you. Then it is also important to let him know the nature, extent of the disease and risks involved, and measures which you can take to prevent transmission.
Sometimes people are just afraid of the unknown.
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No further outbreaks so far - and I'm hopinh never again! I've even been quite sick recently, but been checking 'down there' and found nothing.
I'm not planning to sleep with this guy any time soon so haven't told him yet. I agree, I need to establish much mroe of a connection with him first. It's hard because I'm normally quite a sexual person and the prudishness goes againt my nature. But that's my punishment that I have to live with.
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Yes Tehanu, this could have happened to any one of us too. Dont punish yourself ok?
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tools
19 yrs ago
Tehanu, mind telling bit what it is? perhaps it's not that bad?
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Genital herpes.
Is it 'that bad'? Depends who you ask. Some people think of it as an irritating skin condition. But I'm beginning to realise the worst thing about it is the stigma.
It's the same thing as a cold sore. Really the major difference is the location. Yet how many people with cold sores would freak out about it, would even think to not kiss someone before divulging that they've had cold sores. Would even speak up before giving oral sex to someone, even though, yes, you can transmit it that way?
But the fact is that in the eyes of most potential partners, I am 'tainted'.
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tools
19 yrs ago
Tehanu, want to share a bit with you...(if you don't mind)
is there anyway i can write to you privately? i'm not too familiar with this site.
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I've sent you a private messgae. Go to your control panel (top left hand corner of the page) and click your inbox.
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linx
19 yrs ago
Tehanu- I believe if someone is serious about you and wants to establish a long term relationship with you, this would not be too big an issue. The problem is people usually have sex to see if they are physically compatible before making such a commitment.
I think you're doing a noble thing by now having sex before telling your partner. I wonder if your ex-boyfriend is being as cautious. Its scary to think that the next person we have sex with could have this STD and not inform us (or maybe not even know him/herself)
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I appreciate the show of support, but what can you do when he didn't know himself he had the STD? When was the last time any of you had a full screening? Did you know that most screenings don't test for herpes? When was the last time you asked someone before kissing them or allowing them to go down on you whether they had a cold sore? Fact is most people carrying herpes don't know they have it. You may have it and inadvertently pass it on - how would you feel if someone then sued you?
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