He's ashamed of us

I just found out that on Monday evening, before I got home from work, my husband exploded at home, yelling at the maids, the kids, about how we have too much stuff and how messy it is, and how ashamed he is of us and how he is embarrassed to bring any of his friends to our home.


Our flat is clean, but cluttered as it would be, with pets, two small children and so on. My husband is the only one who seems to have a problem with this; I like our flat because it is alive and lived-in, not some sterile, minimalist 'zen' home where no one's allowed to touch anything in case they make it dirty.


He's alienating the kids and we all tiptoe around speaking in hushed whispers, terrified we'll do something that'll make him angry with us.


I've tried discussing things with him but he just won't listen; he immediately starts shaking his head and pointing his finger at me and giving me a lecture about how he's right and I'm wrong. He does this to the children, too, when all they want is their daddy to actually talk to them, not lecture them or admonish them or ignore them.


Right now, I hate him so much.

It's all a matter of perspective, isn't it? To me, it is NOT cluttered. To him, it is. The kids always tidy all their things away, the only time it gets a bit messy is when they are actually playing but we have a rule -- they can't move on to a new game until they've tidied up the mess from the last.


It doesn't seem to matter what we do; the master bedroom/bathroom are obviously "his" zones, kids never go in there...and we always make sure everything is put away neat and tidy before he gets back from the office.


He blows up with no warning or provocation, and it makes me sick that he takes out whatever ill-feeling he is harbouring from a bad day at work or whatever on the kids. They're still little, but give them a few years and puberty and they'll hate his guts for this rule of fear that he exerts over the whole family.

Everything has a place and is generally in its place except of course for when the kids are actually playing with their toys or reading, or their schoolbooks are out because they are doing their homework.


We do regular clear-outs of old/unwanted junk/books/toys/clothes and take the good stuff down to the Po Leung Kuk. I am not talking about full-blown chaos, just an occasional bit of mess or clutter, but from the way he reacts, you would think we live in a cesspool of garbage.


It's reached the point where he will wrench open cupboards and start shouting about "why do we have so much stuff, why do you kids have so many toys, I can't stand all this rubbish etc" -- and this is stuff which is stacked neatly and tidily away inside a cupboard out of view!


It's reaching the point where I want to scream.

Tell the guy to smarten up, treat you and kids with respect. Tell him how you and the kids feel about him. It's not right, should sit down and discuss things, not one way or the highway.