Posted by
Dorris
19 yrs ago
Me and my ex split over 3 years ago now but we are still the best of friends. We were talking about things the other night on msn and he mentioned how it used to destroy him when i paid for things for us...such as nice meals and posh hotels. He didnt have the cash to do it and I did, i wanted us to have special times and never once thought i was causing him pain and misery.
I asked him why he felt like this and he said 'because i was the man and should have been doing that'. I thought these things over and obviously i am summarising here, but should it really matter in this day and age who decides to treat the relationship. Its strange how we seem to have moved to a more equal society in many ways but yet men still seem to be pressured into thinking that if they are not paying then it makes them less of a man. Surely in a relationship it shouldnt matter who pays, it should be a case of whoever has the cash. Admittedly i would have been annoyed if i were using all my money for our survival but when it comes down to treats and holidays and breaks surely the woman can pay without him feeling less of a man. Cant she?
He also laughed and said i'd been selfish because I wanted to do these things and never once thought that i would make him feel bad by asking him to come with me. What should i have done? Not gone? Not had great vacations in nice hotels at xmas? I dunno but maybe i need to learn from this!
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Finally, the perfect woman!
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You're a condom salesman, Razor Blade?
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A successful relationship is a partnership, Each person should contribute to it in any way they can. From personal experience, I have shared expenses with my partners. Likewise for dinners and treats.
As a woman I would hate to feel that I was 'kept' by my man. We talk about sexual equality but many women just aren't prepared to pay for it, especially here in HK.
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Sounds like your receptionist is a bit of a madam.
Agree with JC, flowers on a first date is a bit much. Also a bit of a pain to carry about if you're doing dinner and a movie, lol.
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Onlyme, Asian girls do not love sweet things much (just in case your date is asian).
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I've been to the place where they produce your Lindt, Onlyme, and Godiva and other stuffs. Myself like chocolate very much. So you'd rather find out what girls/you date like instead of assuming what they/she likes!
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Pumpkin, chocolate does not make you any ounce fatter, especially the black ones.
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What what? There were the days I ate so much black chocolate (80% of cacao), and it lasted at nearly a year but no weight gained!
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Nothing was missed, don't worry. I also asked myself why should one give gifts on the first date since I've never got one in my whole life!
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I also like giving gifts. I like to watch how people enjoy receiving gifts from me. No need to give expensive things to have that joy.
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Don't see any irony here!
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So if chocolate is not well received, what would you suggest?
A nice bit of cheese, perhaps? Some alfalfa sprouts? A leg of lamb? (Well presented in a gift box, of course!)
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Ha ha, !!
Onlyme flowers and chocolates are always nice. Not on a first date but maybe on a third or fourth date. By that time you will have worked out if she suffers from hayfever or if she is severe diabetic.
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Yeh at the time of all this he was going through a bad patch and seemed really low and i was working like a crazy woman and had a few days off work for xmas (like they always give you in china...wow...think it was a weekend and the monday or something) So yes I was exhausted and I was thinking that I needed some rest but I (LOL) also thought it'd be lovely to go to a really nice hotel for Xmas. He was so depressed on Xmas day and talked of missing home, we ended up arguing cos i just couldnt get my head around how selfish he was being. I ended up crying most of Xmas morning in our hotel room whilst we squabbled over me wanting to make the best of it and him saying i was selfish for asking him to try to make the most of it. Guys and girls it was a nightmare and when i returned to my home on boxing day i was a stressed mess. I just felt like he hated me and didnt want my company. But as i said at the beginning his excuse for his actions was that he 'lost face' (as JC put it) and didnt feel like a man cos i paid and he thought i was very selfish for wanting to do it
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Posh
19 yrs ago
hehe....just think it's the good side of being a woman!
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tis amazing how years later your ex still has to get those criticisms in and they still affect you. Ah well thats guys and girls, i realise now that it wasnt me ..twas him! I will however try to be a bit more compromising next time my guy hasnt got money and i want to do something nice, however, xmas will always be xmas, and if it takes a nice hotel and the swimming pool etc to relax me then thats what i'll be doing....this year though im off home and i dont have a man anyways so i dont need to worry about it...lol phewwwwwwwwww :)
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Posh
19 yrs ago
OH! NO MENTION XMAS1 PLEASE! awlays a big problem to los!
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Posh
19 yrs ago
dont u think xmas is always a crazzzy time! where to go? with whom?....need new cooler item!
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Posh
19 yrs ago
i did split bills before. but i found it made most boys feel "face los". so i gave up it.but now its my turn to feel bad cause its really not way to do things.
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thunder this game thing sounds a bit strange....who used to play it? please tell more about its usage ....
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im dorris and there's only one of me ... and your game sounds like a girls game....u sure u didnt have some kind of sex change thunder. Im really beginning to wonder about you.. :)
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look Thunder nemesis is nemesis, aop is aop, dorris is dorris, lammasita is lammasita, posh is posh, jc is jc, shizz is shizz, cs is cs....now whats this all about? If you wanna carry on flirting with Nem then take it private (lol) send a nice message, take her to dinner, pay for it and dont ask her anything about making babies. And when thats all done dont come back here and start talking to us about the whole experience please....just go to the other thread about meeting an expat...thanks (lol) :) :)
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you got it Bear well done !!!
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Interesting post. Going back to the original topic here, I recall being on the third date with a guy that I didn't overly fancy (nice dinner on the first date, simple coffee on the second date) he didn't even try to stop me from paying when I took out my wallet. OK I seriously did not MIND paying, but just as guys are saying they appreciate the gesture of women pretending to pay, women also appreciate if the guys would also "pretend", especially when the guy who sits across the table is obviously loaded.
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No..you're right, it's no big deal. Nem you have a point, if the date has potential, then it is worthwhile to invest in of course. My date liked me WAY more than I liked him, but I paid for him anyway, aren't I nice ;-)
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chinese boys usually pay for girls , but actually they dont really like to do that , just because the "mian zi=face" .
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I must say it is really sad that a relationship ends due to such reasons... It is quite the same reason why he chose to break up... It is quite sickening because he knew my financial status right from the start...
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Not all local girls will think that way...i pay the bill sometimes when going out with my boyfriend...i did that no matter he is a local or not. as you said, it's a matter of balancing and as a guy doesnt mean that he has to be responsible for everything. he understands that too.
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Maybe I am old-fashioned. Still prefer the guy to pay for our 1st date. I always offer to split the bill but will be happier if he says something like "no need. You can pay next time".
When I want to pay for a meal, I always stress when making the arrangement that I am taking him out for dinner. This way, no misunderstanding. After going out for a little while, who pays for the bill should be less an issue.
My opinion is on the basis that both can easily afford a decent dinner. So, who pays is a matter of courtesy and consideration, not a huge financial burden.
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so glad this thread came up, i went out to dinner recently and i ended up paying (without the guy even 'pretending' to pay) but after we walked out of the restaurant, he said "i'll pay next time, so its a good excuse to come back and eat more sushi"
thank you Nem : "If it's a date with potential, I will already try to set the next one, which I will be paying. If it's a date without potential, I will insist on going dutch. Don't want someone to feel getting the short end of the deal and don't want to feel obligated to have a next date.
" - i hope thats true in this case *fingers crossed*
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I don't think expats care so much about this as locals do. Am I right? In North America, people take turns paying, don't they?
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What are your thoughts about this? I was interviewing in HK last week, a mutual friend introduced me to her friend, so I could get better understand of the city. The same night, the man invited me to dinner to meet with his friends at very expensive restaurant. At the end the bill arrives, I did not hear him offer to pay my bill since he invited me, so I gave my credit card. I was somewhat upset that I had to pay but not really because we were introduced under colleague/friend terms. I'm an American and am accustomed to paying for myself or man but thought this man's were rude but could not expect anything other from him but gratefulness for introducing me to his friends. The only sum I deduct is I will definitely be more selective in going on without him again. Thoughts?
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Mr. America, I am not upset my payment was accepted. I cannot expect anything from the man who broadened my network and enhanced my visit. The woman who introduced us thought his actions were rude, especially since he invited me. Sorry for missconfusion. If I extend an dinner invitation I will offer to pay but most times the gentleman will pay, but I offer. It is customary the invitor accept the bill for the invitee. Does this make sense? If it does not I understand your position.
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Interesting- to each her/his own. I received additional casual dinner invitations and offered to cover myself including the man and his girlfriend. He had purchased my drinks several times and offered numerous times to cover all us but my attempt the hostess refuted my attempt and "defer to the gentleman's credit card". I disagree on "no one would ask anyone to go out for a meal" but to an extinct I respect and agree with your position. Please note I am humble about covering myself but am more accustomed to gentleman accepting the bill but am more than happy to cover us.
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well, i think he who has the most cash (assuming both have some of it) pays for the bigger ticket items, with the person having or earning less cash, paying for the odd bottle of water, light snack or pizza. and if friends, then going dutch is acceptable. my friends and i take turns buying each other lunch, and it's not a big expense. on the other hand, I pay most of the expenses for me and my significant other, but she does insist on paying for the things that she can afford for both of us.
whatever works, as long as everyone is agreeable and there are no hard feelings afterward.
my 2 cents.
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As I've never had a boyfriend who has earnt more than me, I've always paid the bill. I pay the bill 80% of the time my boyfriend and I go to dinner.
If I'm with friends, we always go dutch, dividing the bill between 2, 3, 4 however many of us there are.
Unless one of my friends is there, who doesn't have a job, then she insists everyone just pays for what they ordered which makes everything so messy with getting the right change!
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Interesting topic thanks for the pms. I agree with most replies both male and female should take equal turns and share and neither person should be expected to be an ATM. I tend often offer to pay and would do so but men typically pay for me. I do not subscribe to if the man couldn't pay for me then that would indicate to me that we couldn't have a successful relationship. But I understand your position Flashback. Again, I offer to pay and am comfortable paying or not.
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Once I went out with a guy for a while. Platonic dates, if you may and we always "argue" pay up time. He would NEVER let me pay, at all! Not with meals, not with movies or shows we've been to. He won't even allow me or accept some gift from me. I found that totally frustrating because by nature, I'm very generous too. He said he would only allow me to treat him if we go to Mc.Donalds ( he was very into fine dining!) And I was insulted though I know he meant well and earn much , much more than I do ( him being a doctor and biz man, me a helper )but i was just unhappy about it. Until one day he agreed I shop and cook us dinner. Two days later I went through my handbag and found an envelope with cash in it..that says " for dinner". I decided to stop seeing him. ---
On the other hand, with my last bf he would insist on paying but at least he didn't shut me off completely. If he paid for lunch, I'll pick up the next tab or when I'm in the UK ( where he is ) he'll come and stay with me and I take care of the food and beverages. We go out a lot , he pays most of the time but I would not hesitate to dig in my pocket as well. most nights, we eat in for he loved my cooking but loved messing with the chef more :)
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* sorry the last part of my post went missing
I was trying to say that there really should be a balance somewhere. I don't think it's an ego thing... more on " sharing is caring", perhaps?
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Agree with helenahk
Pupalicious - does your bf know you have repeatedly posted messages on this public albeit anonymous forum revealing how much more you earn than him? Have you ever considered the possibility that he may find this humiliating and demasculating?
I know you're young but I think you need to learn some discretion and to think before you post.
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She went from saying she has no expat friends to posting here nearly daily so clearly the culture shock is setting in.
Not to say we cannot overcome it but it's not even normal to want to distance yourself completely from westerners if you are one.
I am not judging I am saying she needs to talk to people who will understand and hopefully that it's here at ASIAXPATS.
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most men are "cheap skunk".
I observed and realized from people around me, that men who pay for the ladies relationship last longer, the more he pay the more he wants to keep the relationship longer. Marriages that had the guy paying a large sum for the ceremony last longer....again...the more they pay the longer the marriage last.
Man who has a girlfriend paying for their meals/cinema tickets/ taxi ride...etc subconciously man finds ladies who are finacially independent are less interesting then the latter.
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It's true, I personally witness the fact. It's happening to all the people I know. Funny though , I know I don't understand it either ...but it is true, so true that I have learnt to face the fact. I have personally test it out myself too....(I had always felt guilty of having a guy to pay for my expenses hence have always done the payment)....apparently these group of guys didn't appreciate it.
I only dare tried on guys I was not attracted
to pay for my meals....etc and till to date they still didn't give up trying to date me out again alone.
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Long live the golddiggers eh Grace?Depending on the level the relationship is on I believe in going dutch.I don't like to feel I 'owe' a guy something and I've always paid my share.This confuses a lot of guys (before I got married this is) but equality rules in my book.
No guy should be made to feel like a walking ATM.If you go out to dinner he pays then you should pay next time,if he buys you a drink you pay for the next shout.It makes sense.
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When a guy pay for all....most guys expect to get reward after midnight;) if he already got his "meal" by all means get him pay for yours.
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MangoDurianRambutanOrange love that handle!What happens after midnight if the woman pays for the meals? Just a though hahah.
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glad that there's people out there who see clearly like I did. tq
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No no! Not the doe eyes! Oh, anything but doe eyes. No one wants to date Bambi! Unless of course you want to feel like Godzilla?
And everyone knows what happened at the end of Bambi vs Godzilla!
I actually want be Godzilla today, though not in relation to Bambi. I want to stomp through Lan Kwai Fong, peer into the eyes of terrified "he men" and "she women" who work for hedge funds and are still in their offices (but Godzilla doesn't care its only 8am in New York), and do a bit of reclamation work of my own - ie knock down IFC 2 and make the harbour wider. Godzilla does not care about mandarins working in the planning department!
And then Godzilla is going to go and chill out on Lantau for the rest of the weekend with a girl Godzilla who helps me swipe fish (okay sharks as an appetizer)from the sea (Godzilla does not care about red tide) and eat banana trees.
Godzilla and SheGodzilla do not care who pays for meals!
So maybe some men are really just looking for someone who complements them instead of compliments them? And maybe they don't want to rescue anyone, they just wish there was someone else who could join them in wreaking havoc on Hong Kong Island. If IFC is mine, you can tear down Hopewell Plaza in the name of 'urban redevelopment'...
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Why shld guys pay? @ coolwoman
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In this day and age of women's lib,bra burning and women expecting to be treated as equal they still expect the guy to pay for everything so what's that?
Come on girls be independent!I am woman hear me roar and all that.Personally I can't stand the control that guys expect in return if they pay all the time.You have to take it halfway.
Chat you're not married so where is he coming from?Why do you have to move in there anyway?Are there posts missing or am I missing something here?
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Solution - leave him. Settled!
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You already paid if you have been sleeping with him.
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HK01
17 yrs ago
Met a local girl the other day and she made it very clear that she expected the man to pay for everything. She had a nice paying job too. Glad I am not dating her. Lot's of gold diggers out there
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Well, some local girls still has that mentality that guys have to pay if they wanna ask them out. Crazy isnt it?
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HK01
17 yrs ago
Oh I agree if you ask them out,you should pay, however, this chick was not going to open her purse whatsoever
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She is not gold-digger. It is Asian (or at least Chinese) mentality that men should pay for everything. I told my aunt that dating could cause expenses to me and she stared at me:"if a man wants to date you, he has to pay".
It applied in the old times when women did not have a job. Time evolves. Nowadays, women earn salary and sometimes handsome ones. However, who wants to give up the benefits which the society used to take for granted?
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I wld never date such kinda girl even if she is a babe n walking naked in front of me. If she behaves like that towards me, I think there won't be a 2nd time out together. I don't mind paying bt its the feeling of being used that puts me off.
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