Posted by
Very Hurt
19 yrs ago
Back in Sept'2005, My husband went back to Vietnam with his mom for vacation. His uncle and uncle's family live in Vietnam so they went back to visit. During his vacation, he met a girl that works in the front desk counter of the hotel he was staying at. On the first two days back from his trip, he didn't say much to me. Instead, he was so sad and depress. All he wanted to do was to stay in his bedroom and listened to the Vietnamese music he brought back from his trip.
Instantly, I had a bad feeling that something was wrong. On the 3rd day, he finally confronted me and told me he met another girl back in Vietnam. He said he doesn't love her, but he enjoyed her company.
I told him that he needs to be honest with me and that he can only pick one person. He saids that he still loves me but he's not sure why he cares for the other girl. He tells me that he needs time to forget about her and ask if I will give him time. He blames me that because of the way I treated him in the past, he found this girl to be a great friend and company.
I asked him to stop calling her and he said okay. But when I discovered that he continued to call her everyday and about 10 times a day. I knew that he was crazy about her. When I confronted him, he said she was helping him with building our marriage. Which I think was an excuse for him to get the other girl to fall for him. He later started to blame everything on me and made me feel bad so that I will forgive him. He then persuaded me to let him go back to Vietnam for 2 weeks so he can end his relationship with her in person and that he will never contact her ever again.
Just a little history about us and our marriage. We've been married 15 years and have two lovely children ages 4 and 2. In the last 6 years, our marriage has gone sour because mainly we don't spend time together that much. He works grave yard shift. So when I'm at work, he's at home sleeping, and when I'm at home, he's at work. If we're lucky, we get to see each other for 1-2 hours a day. He's off Fri and Sat and I'm off Sat and Sun. The problem is most Saturdays, he like to enjoy his time off with his friends or he's too busy with his garden, or he's catching up with his sleep. For many years I felt neglected because he never seem to find time for us. He felt that I was caging him in and that I was always jealous when he looks or have lunch with girls. Also, we never told each other how we felt so we just live our separate life in the same house.
After his confrontation, I asked him to be honest with me about everything. So, I thought he told me everything about what he did and what he bought her. On Nov 3, 2005, I found out that he withdrew $250 from his account twice within 4 days which was very unusual. I later tricked him into telling me the truth so finally admitted that he sent $200 to the girl's sister who had a cesaerean delivery and didn't have the money to pay for the operation and hospital bills. I also found out from his mom that he gave $200 US dollars to her plus bought her a $150 watch. I was just so upset that he never told me all this when he had the chance.
That same day I told him that I was so upset and hurt that I wanted to file a divorce. He cried and beg that I would not divorce him. He also promised that he would not go back to visit her anymore.
I thought of our two lovely children so I gave him another chance.
Somehow, he persuaded me to go back to Vietnam with him in Jan. 2006 to celebrate Vietnamese New Year and I agreed. But now he says he want to see the girl 3 days while we're there so he can finish up what he created. He said, he never told her he was married when he was on vacation until the last 3 days. By that time, the girl had already fallen for him. This is the reason why he wants to go back and tell her.
What should I do? Can I trust him? I know I can stop him from going, but I can't stop his heart. Should I let him go and worry about it later? Or, is he making a fool out of me?
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F100
19 yrs ago
Dear Very Hurt,
sorry that you are going through such an awful time. I know that you will find the strength and courage that you need to get you through this tough time.
First of all,
dig deep within yourself, listen to your GUT and you won't go wrong with your decision.
as for your husband, my advice for whatever it is worth is:
you should tell him that HIS first priority is to YOU and the children. it's definitely not to some "girl" that made him FEEL good about himself.
having said that, he should make YOU feel better and NOT HER.
if he MUST say Goodbye, then
it's better if he says his FINAL goodbyes on the phone with YOU listening in on the other line. if he has to say it in person, YOU can go with him.
if he says something about not trusting him, you should reply, i gave you trust and you broke your promise...from now on...if you want that trust back you have to earn it.
if your husband had a problem with your schedule he should have talked to you about it. bringing in a third person does not help at all...it only makes things worse...a HELL of a lot worse.
in addition to himself, he should think of his kids and your family.
is this "girl" worth it...in most cases that answer is NO.
basically, i am sure that the girl is just "using" him...i could be wrong... but it's a relationship that is based on MONEY....
However, with most guys, they probably think that "she LUVVES ME!"
well...wake UP and and smell the coffee.
after 15 years of marriage and having 2 kids and working so hard to support the family...you DESERVE better...a LOT BETTER...Go GET IT....
it's not your responsibility to make YOUR husband feel better...
it's HIS responsibility to make YOU feel better and REPAIR the damage that he has done and try to save your marriage....
go and seek help from a family therapist if you need help to sort things out.
to answer your questions:
What should i do: listen to your gut feelings and heart.
Can I trust him: NO!!!Why on EARTh should you? He has broken your heart and NOW has to EARN your trust back.
Can you stop him from going back:
NO! but you can make it more difficult..
ie. take charge of your bank account, make him show you all credit card statements.
tell him that if he goes back to vietnam, you will be seeing your lawyer and kicking him out of the house. NO Wife, NO kids, NO house, no friends, no family, no money after you are through with him.
should i let him go? NO..NO...NO...
Why should you...it will ONLY serve to bring you more trouble...
also, don't you have enough worries and crap to deal with?
you have 2 kids to look after...that LAST thing you need is another one (your husband).
Is he making a fool out of Me:
NO, you are NOT a FOOL.
He is the "Fool".
You cannot control other people's behavour but you can control how you react to what they have done.
set a good example for your kids.
ask yourself...if you daughter or best friend was in your shoes, what advice would you give them.
Good luck..
BE Strong...
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Very hurt, the ladies just said it all. Good luck!
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lulu
19 yrs ago
very hurt, sorry to hear that, you must be feeling awlful.
but dun let your husband go back to Vietnam to meet the girl, he will not come back, it makes the situation worst. Just call the girl and finishes it. If he insist, let him go and prepare for a divorce. Your hubby just want to see her and probably have a few good nights with her, and she might multipulate the situation...trust me, dun let them to see each other if you still want to save the marriage.
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F100
19 yrs ago
to all the people who replied,
you are right....she should NOT go back to vietnam with her husband.
thanks everyone for your point of view.
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shaq
19 yrs ago
The poor husband is not just lying; he's mentally and emotionally unstable. In this state, he has found some sort of refuge in the Vietnam girl. The wife should either try and help him get out of this state or quit the marriage before she becomes seriosly hurt .. period. There is no easy way out, my dear. Be bold and take a firm decision.
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If you want to forgive, make him understand that trust, as it has been said has to be earned.
But be prepared for divorce. In fcat i would be seeing now what your situation is and seeking good legal advice. You have phone records, what his mother has said to you and the fact he has admitted to you. The phone records are probbably good enough, but collect all evidence as he has done the ABSOLUTE WRONG THING.....
If it was just a fling, then he wouldn't risk his marriage by going back to see her QED.
I'm sorry....sad to say that it is such a familiar story...
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Dear F100,
Thank you for your advice. I had given him a hard time and had told him that I was going to take over his bank account and credit cards. However, I thought it over and I figured that if I do that he can still find other ways like borrowing money from his friends. Besides, I want him to be honest with me and if I do that he might hide more things from me. I will just discreetly keep an eye on his spending and only confront him if I am suspicious. So far, he has been trying to make things up to me. He tells me that if he still likes the other girl, he would have had divorced me by now. He knows that I didn't do anything to deserve this so he wouldn't want to deceive me or hurt me even more. He said he was confuse in the beginning but when he heard that I was serious about leaving him, he realized that he loves me more and that the other girl was just a thrill. However, he still wants to go back to Vietnam to end things with her. He said that he going to end it in a bad way so she can hate him and never want to talk to him again. I can't seem to understand why he needs to do it in person but I won't stop him.
Only time can tell whether or not he will forget her. As for now, I can only live day by day.
Thanks again.
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I would agree that he does not seem to be acting in a particularly sane way but it seems that you have given him far too much leeway as it is.
The simple fact is that he is infatuated with this girl and is asking your permission to carry this on whilst keeping you at home waiting for him. The worst case of having one's cake and eating it.
Mental issues aside, he has behaved towards you in the worst possible way and a short, sharp shock is what he needs. This softly, softly approach does not seem to be working.
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Dear Miss P,
You are right when you say that calling the other girl on the phone to end it will not work. He says if I forced him to do that, he knows that he hasn't finish his business with her and he will continue to think of her. Whereas if I let him go back to see her. He knows that he needs to get everything out and tell her everything so he can have a peace of mind.
By the way, I am Vietnamese. I came here when I was four so I'm somewhat Americanized. My husband is also Vietnamese, but he came here when he was 13. We're both 35 now and he is somewhat old fashioned.
Thank you for your advice.
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His peace of mind?????? Why on earth should he deserve that?
Perhaps you are indulging him too much.
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Dear Vulvic,
At first I thought of the same thing said about me, but I know that he would only be lying to himself if he is pressured to do things he don't want. I know he is infatuated with this girl but he will eventually get tired of the other girl. I do know that if I make it harder for him, the more he will try to be with her.
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If he really wants her to hate him he could end it over the phone and end it in "a bad way" -which you said he wants to do...no?
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F100
19 yrs ago
Dear Very Hurt,
You might want to have a rethink on letting him go back to Vietnam all by himself.
You might want to go to a family therapist as soon as possible to get their unbiased "professional" advice.
there is no "PERFECT" way to end a bad situation. a very simple phone call with you on the other line would be best.
Once again, he is thinking of HIMSELF, and HER.
Your husband is putting You and the KIDs pretty at the bottom of the totem pole.
my question to you is:
how do you feel?
what do you WANT?
why is it okay for you to give 110% and go the total distance.
What about YOU????
HENCe, he can't take care of YOU and the KIDS when he is WITH HER.
cut through all of his BULLSH*T.
what is coming out of his mouth is really verbal diarrhea.
it's time to move yourself and the kids to the FRONT of the LINE.
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Dear Lulu,
My husband has that personality that if he wants something he has to go get it. In this case, he wants to go back to Vietnam to clarify things and to say goodbye. I know if I stop him, he will continue to find ways to talk to her or see her.
I don't know if he ever had sex with her, but even if he did, it wouldn't make a difference if he did it again. Our deal is that he only can see her this last time and he will never talk or see her ever again.
If he breaks this deal then I will let him go for good. I'm hoping that he will be the one out of 10 men that keeps his word.
Thanks for your concern.
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Dear Very Hurt
Look at the big picture honey, its obvious that your husband has probably had sex with this girl and its obvious that yes he feels something real strong for her. But he should, in his maturity know that going with any woman is going to feel crazy after being with the same woman for 15 years but it is actually short lived. Its such a tricky one as we all know that you are the one he truelly loves and he perhaps knows that to but sadly the feeling of new and different love always sets these men off on stupid and mindless pathways. I dont get it as much as you dont and i agree with everything that has been said in terms of what you can do going forward to help get through these times whilst saving your marriage. It is all very sad.
I would tell him what 'he' must do to restore your trust in him, and although you may want to show him how great you are and smother him with love and adoration right now i would suggest that you are supportive but not too needy. He needs to understand that what he did was wrong and it is you who is being hurt by all of this through his actions. Serious I' tell him what he needs to do, dont nag and leave it to him. Give a timescale and if he doesnt succeed get him out otherwise he's gunna kill ya with his ego affair. x
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lulu
19 yrs ago
very hurt> ok, you let him go and see her again, prepare to give him and the marriage a lost. Make sure you dun drag on....
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Wow! it really hurts. Sorry that you have to go through this tough time. But as I understood, this is a result of 6 last sour years in your marriage. You said you felt neglected, do you think he felt the same? In addition, you're so americanised as you said, no matter what it might mean, and he might feel nostalgia, he might want to be a "man" for a woman to lean and depend on. And he found a girl who might show him those things you were lack of during the 6 years (e.g care - whatever motive is, dependence - money for example, etc.)
I think in your situation, the more tension you create the more risk is that he will "rebel" against your measures to keep him with you. I know it's easy to say but I would first try to find more time to spend with him, be his friend, talk to him to figure it out why he feels attached to that girl, be as tender as your nature allows but firm at the same time regarding him quitting relationship with the girl.
If you can go back to Vietnam with him, do that and insist to meet her together with him and have a good talk with them both. Let them both see by your behaviour that you surpass her in many (if not all) ways.
Let him know that will be the last chance you can give him for saving your marriage.
Your behaviour will help him to realiase what a mistake he has made and he will quit the affair more easily and will take more care of you.
Wish you the best.
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SuzyQ
19 yrs ago
I liked what Wild Orchid said go there with him, meet this person. I hope it works out.
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Hi Wildorchid,
I was planning on going back with him but because of the outbreak of bird flu in Vietnam, I'm not going. I can't risk it because of my two children. I don't want them to be without any parents.
I'm letting him go alone this last time and I will see give him a few months to see if he can forget her. If he can, then great. If not, then I will leave him.
Thanks for your advice.
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Sorry VH, but it sounds to me just a ridiculous excuse regarding your fear for the bird flu and the risk for your kids to lose their parents. But anyway, the decision is yours! So good luck then!
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lulu
19 yrs ago
bird flu to me is also sounds like a feeble excuse.
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Jazzy67 and Lulu,
I don't think you gals know how serious the bird flu is. I read in Indonesia, 10,000 people are dying from it a day. Even my Doctor told me not to take the risk because he heard a few people excape from being quarantined. So far 29 cities have reported someone catching this deadly flu. Maybe you gals don't have any kids, but I have to worry about this kind of stuff. Believe me if it wasn't as bad as it is or if they have found a vaccine for it, I would go to Vietnam with him.
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Jazzy67,
If you don't mind me asking, what type of job do you do that you get to go back there 2 months out of the year? Are you Vietnamese?
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VH, you must be a victim of the media power! It's bird flu outbreak in media, not in reality! That's stupid!
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F100
19 yrs ago
dear very hurt,
if you are so worried about bird flu.
how come, you aren't worried if your husband catches it and brings it back home?
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Very Hurt,
Thank you for your advice on the Going Crazy thread. I liked what you said, my opinion is that this other woman is a serious issue but I think it is a temporary situation. He may be going through a mid-life crisis. It does not sound real. He did get himself into it. It is your opinion for him to get himself out of it. I understand that you do not want to go with him. You have been with him for 15 years or so. You know him better, you know what to say and how to say it. However, his feelings are up to him. There is nothing you can say or do to change that. This is left to fate...I hope it works out for you.
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lulu
19 yrs ago
Very hurt> you sound really strange, if you think bird flu is so serious,why you let your husband go to vietnam? you dun worry him catching bird flu? Do you want him have the risk of catching bird flu instead of staying with you? I really dun understand, do you still love your husband? If you dun love him and let him go to vietnam to meet the girl and might catch bird flu, why dun you just finished the relationship now instead?
Do you really want to save the marriage? Anyway i am going vietnam this X mas and i have not worry a thing about that.
Be honest, at least to yourself.
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It seems veryhurt does not care if her kids would grow up without their father!
>lulu: I am going to Vietnam this Christmas too! You already ahve a plan to stay somewhere in there?
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lulu
19 yrs ago
wildorchid> i am going to Saigon and the resort area in Phan thiet. Apparently most of the hotel are fully booked!! We tried very hard to get a room from a new resort!
Miss P> well i just want to be scrastic about Very hurt comments. I can understand her unfortunate experience and what bad time she is having now, but somehow the way she say thing sounds a bit contradicting, right?
Do you know many people are like that? They already have the answer for the problem, they still asking people for opinion/advise...blah blah blah... but at the end of the day, they just want people to agree with them.
Did you see many threads here are like that?
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lulu
19 yrs ago
miss P> your resoning on me is 1 year old. Any spell check here to help me, Ed?
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Miss P also has the sense of humor! Not that bad!
What's wrong with grammatical mistakes taking place sometimes? Unless it's your mother's toungue, sweetie! And I am not writing my thesis here. It's a virtual conversation where most of the time people use spoken language!
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lulu
19 yrs ago
well...i dun have time to check my english...my mothertongue is nepalnese ...lol
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I believe the correct phrase is 'mother tongue', not 'mother's tongue.'
As you were.............
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Ed
19 yrs ago
Their r no smiley faces for propper gramer or speling on these 4rums.
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Hi i'm from Malaysia and very get used to black magic. I think maybe your husband was being charmed because he still loves you but he found no reason to stay away with his new friend(girl). I think the best way is to tell your husband that he has the possibility of being charmed. In my knowledge, black magic can fade and disappear when time passes and also being cured by a bishop or pastor. I would suggest you and your husband of not to visit Vietnam again to avoid the power of charm. Your husband can talk over the phone about his relationship with you to her. Best wishes to you.
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Verycutegirl, it was my pleasure to help.
Justin Credible, Lulu, and Wild Orchid: Of course I persuaded him not to go. I even asked him to delay his trip until there's a vaccine.
His reply was that no matter what the situation is in Vietnam, there was nothing or anyone that was going to stop him from going. He said he is very stress and exhausted from all the kaosk that he created for all parties, including his parents and family. He insists to go finish what he had started and to leave it behind him. In fact, if he had any vacations days left this year, he would have gone sooner rather than later.
As for me, I thought it over many times and I came to the conclusion that it's possible to stop a man from seeing another woman but you can not control his heart. The more you stop him from doing something, the more he will try.
You can say that I'm out of my mind after you read what I have to say. I really want him to go back alone to see her. If he finds that he truly loves her, his heart will tell me and I will leave him. If he finds that it was just an infatuation, he will return to me. However, if he doesn't go, he will never know and he will always be wondering. He will continue to think of her and have a long distance relationship, which can be dangerous. We both agreed that we will both go our separate ways if he finds that he loves her. He promise to reveal his true feelings about her when he returns. He said he wouldn't want to hurt me by lying because he knows it would be unfair for me. For some reason, I beleive he will tell me the truth when he returns. He is not good at keeping secrets, so even if he lie, I will eventually read his body language. At the moment, all I can do is wait and see if fate will bring us together again.
Miss P, thank you for your concern.
Thank you everyone for taking the time to listen.
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Hi hkiatwee,
When you say you are use to black magic, what do you mean? Do you mean you know how to use black magic? What do you know about it. Is there a way out of it?
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lulu
19 yrs ago
Very hurt> I am very much like you, always wait and see. But somehow we should think more for ourselves rather than waiting. Make some plans for the worst.
Chin up and not having being hurt.
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Dear Lulu,
I'm only hurt when I think about what he had started. However, I'm getting better at it. I think that if I'm capable of letting him spend time with her, I capable of handeling the worst. Fortunately, I am financially stable, so I wouldn't have to worry about moving out or finding a babysitter. It will take time to forget him, but I know I can do it. I have to be strong for my kids so we can move on.
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very hurt you are so right...you cant stop him and you have to find out. One thing for certain is that this man has a lot of work to do to help you restore your faith and trust in him if he does realise its just a fling. Like i said before his heart may be in it right now, it may feel fantastic, special and unreal, but what he really needs to feel is the fact that those feelings are shortlived. If only he could just block both you and her out, go to a desert island for a month and then assess im sure he would make the right decision.
Sadly moreoften we are very emotionally immature, we get these overwhelming feelings and put them down to true love rather than the excitment of not knowing whats to come, infactuation, passion and sheer difference! Ahhhhh ! Theres only one person who can make the right move here though and for your own sake please take it easy and dont expect anything. This is a real hard time for you! You YOU YOU....okay he may be rubbing his head and feeling sorry and guilty that he's got you both in this but remember ...HE DID! You did nothing!
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Hi Dorris, you and I think alike. I did tell him last month to move out so he can have time to rethink who he wants to be with. I told him that it wouldn't be fair for the other girl when he is home with me or vice versa. It's like the NBA game. When he's at home with me I would have the winning advantage and when he's with her in Vietnam, she will have the winning advantage. So, he really needs to get away from both town and just see who he really wants. He said he already made up his mind to be with me and so there wasn't a need to do that. This is another reason why I have to wait and see.
Thanks for your opinion.
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Veryhurt, re the black magic thing that hkiatwee was talking about has several international versions...Viet, Thai, Chinese in a Tao or buddhistic or evil or whatever background.
Main criteria is that one really has to believe in this superstitious area.
Some swear with it and to some it's crap and a huge amount of $$$.
But from what I read, it seems that your husband was quite in a reasoning state, so I do have doubts whether he was really possessed.
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Hi Giggling Gal,
I was thinking about that too! Thanks for the reassurance.
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Yeah Miss P you and you aone can edit that
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Hey Miss P, you already saw the "Edit"! Click there and do what ever you wanna do with your post! Cut it, shorten it or delete it!
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Has anyone here actually been married for more than 10 years and been in this situation? Bad communication, work stress, etc can erode the best of marriages.
Since I've never been married I feel I"m not qualified to give advice. But I have a few comments
1) The fact that he was quite honest to you in the beginning and involved you in the winding down process with that girl-that speaks volumes.To me that means that he definitely loves you very much and you're his main priority.If he could choose, he would want to be with you, but he cannot help feeling the intoxication and attraction to the Vietnamese girl.
Secondly, all those comments about him already having sex with the Vietnamese girl. I wouldn't be so sure on that as a lot of them are still very traditional and conservative.
You need to play an active role in this winding down process. Go with him to Vietnam.But he doesnt need 3 days to finish off things with her. That would be like giving a lollipop to a misbehaving child.
It's sad when good marriages break down, but also sad when both parties don't try to save what they have.Of course it is up to the both of you to decide if it's worth saving.
Good luck.
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divorce him......he doesnt deserve your love. He did this to you, he would do this to that vitnamnese girl one day too. Can't change a man like that, ruined cake is ruined, no matter how beautiful and yum it was before.....let alone it wasnt that good as you said.
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rats
19 yrs ago
Berry picker, it is simply lack of communication, the wife's correspondance with Mr. Z hurt the ego, self-esteem and trust of the husband and gave him a very good reason (revenage?) to cheat on his wife.
As the husband discovered the whole issue, had the two have them sat down and talked about it?
Maybe your friend should prepare a nice dinner, sit down with the husband and talk about their feelings and problems instead of keeping everything to themselves and thinking 'divorce' / 'suicide'.
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rats, wrong thread?
Very Hurt, you are the one who knows best if you want to save this relationship or not.
Do bear in mind that if you both want to give this relationship a chance
a. you do not have to put up with your husband's infidelities; the idea that women, especially older women w/ children, are in a weaker position is utter misogynist bollox; if it be true there wouldn't be divorces and there would be no men leaving their wives for older women (think Camilla and Diana); even if you are an older woman you can get away from a bad marriage; btw, if you have to compete for someone's love, he's clearly not worth it already IMO;
b. your children do not always benefit from growing up in a family unit where the love has long gone; in fact it might even influence them in their own relationships later in a bad way; so please if you are thinking of staying together only because of the children, do consider that your children might be better off not living with their father in order to keep their respect for him; marriage is about love and respect, and not about submission and tolerating infidelities;
c. never let your husband treat you as a doormat, whether he is Asian or not; you are an equal partner in this relationship called marriage; it's NOT about East or West but simple human dignity.
And, nag all you want for now, he's the one who has been cheating on you. If you want to work out a solution you will BOTH have to compromise and try to forgive though.
Courage!
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VH - any updates? Seems like your last post was 19 days ago.
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dicorce him,it will only get worse,sorry for your two children.get out friend.that is all i can say.you have given him enough chances.
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Dear VH, I don’t talk much on this web site but have read a lot. I know if I did I would get attacked. I’m a Chinese girl, I have been in this what we call triangle relationship but I’m the other woman. Please don’t don’t attack me. I’m only here to talk to you from my experience. If one day I start my own thread, please do whatever you want. Plus, I did ask the man in my life to go back to his family when I saw the great pain he was enduring.
What I’m gonna say is based on what you said and my OWN experience, so I could be wrong.
Firstly, your status with your husband.
From what you said, I figure that even before your husband met the other girl, you two had problems – maybe not huge but there were problems. You’ve been married for quite a few years, so probably all the passion you had for each other is gone. You might still love each other, but in a different way – maybe more like a family rather than lovers. We have a saying in China to best describe this status of relationship – when you hold each other’s hand, you feel like it’s your own left hand holding your right hand, meaning there’s no feeling. Even though you might be 80% perfect, he only sees the 20% faults in his eyes – he has been taking the 80% for granted, and maybe so do you. So, when he met any other girls, who might be only 20% perfect, he would get excited, thinking this girl is better all over and thinking she’s the only soul mate that he can talk to. I’m sure he talked to the girl about the problems between you two, which he couldn’t talk to you about.
Now, my suggestions for you.
No matter what others say, you first need to know what you really want. You need to consider all the facts and stakes, such as kids, family, would you forgive him and trust him in the future, do you really still love him, he cheated on you maybe just to send a message to say I’m not happy so would you wanna fix the problems you had, and very important, would you be willing to take the risk of getting hurt more? If say you decide that it’s worthwhile to give your husband one more chance, then you must not blame him on everything – which would only push him away even further. You two need to sit together, have a talk about what you have done wrong in the past and what he has, and then what you two can do to make things better in the future. I always thought that one of the reasons that my man made the final decision not to be with his wife after he actually once decided to be with her was that his wife never ever thought she did anything wrong. She thought it was ALL his fault, which really pushed him even further away. He clearly knows he did something wrong and he made the biggest mistake which was met with me, but he also needs to be understood and to know that his wife is willing to change too so that he can imagine a future being with her. Nobody would want to live the rest of his life in a feeling that she thinks I owe her for ever and I should live my whole life to redeem my faults. But then, on the other hand, when you try to be rational and nice to him, you’re also facing a risk. He thought he could break up with her, but really? What if he’s too weak to do that when he faces her? Then you would get hurt more. So the point is that once you decide you wanna give you both one more chance, then you need to be prepared for any possibilities, good and bad.
Based on my own experience, I absolutely agree with what many people have already said – do not let your husband to meet with her alone. If he thinks it’d hurt her to just say good-bye over the phone, what makes him think it’d be better to say it in person? No, I promise you their meeting would end up in tears and they would end up hugging each other in bed. Well, I could be wrong, but what I’m saying is there would be a big chance.
So, in order to have him back:
1)do not let him go alone to see the girl;
2)do not blame him on everything. Let him know you have realized that both of you have made mistakes and you’re willing to make things better;
And, do remember that after all these efforts, it is still possible that you might lose him.
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that is absolutely hands-down the best advice i have read so far in this thread.
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