Posted by
BumpyDog
19 yrs ago
and if she sent you e-mails pretending to be an attractive girl asking you out?
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I am with you Quickie! As I replied on other threads about this, privacy is so important for me and luckily for my boyfriend as well. We both respect it that is why I encourage him go out with his friends without me although we are in LDR and don't have much time together each time we meet. That's only an example.
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tia
19 yrs ago
BAH! Never. I gave the boyfriend a list of the essential things he would need to know should I ever die in a KCR crash or something, but no passwords. Sheesh.
We all need SOME privacy. Where is the fun in knowing EVERYTHING about one's partner??
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I would never expect to look at someone else's mail or ask for their password, and someone hacking my mail would be "bunny boiling" - well said.....In fact in many countries your boss is not even meant to go through your emails - it is illegal in places in a work scenario, and even if it is not it is not done....
I by the same token do not try to listen into calls, open snail mail etc....I even got very upset when my mother opened a letter, WHICH is none of her business, and it was from the taxation department and my finances are none of her business.....not even that she read it WRONGLY albeit because she cannot even read that language properly and then got the whole wrong end of it, and it created quite a scene....
If I have my other half know my passwords, it is because of the event of serious injury or death....NO other half witted excuse...
Before everyone had husbands running off with Shanghai girls, and now it is the season of email hackers.....
The Shanghai business was far more scintillating because at least we could all sympathise....if you hack into someones mail you are a peeeping tom, snooper and even a criminal in some countries. It is just not done.
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I agree that privacy is sooo important and if any man of mine wanted to access my mail account i'd be a tad hurt that he didnt respect or even trust me. However the problems arise when you know that it is the only way you can get evidence to show your partner you know the truth and now you want them to leave! Ahhhh
Why is it coming to this? Why are men/ women havig these affairs and lying lying lying...why not do it and either ignore it and dont follow it through or just tell your partner and get out of your unhappy relationship. This is something i will never understand. How someone can keep two people going at the same time, telling each they are loved for eternity. I pray that my next man cant even use a computer, doesnt have a mobile and doesnt go chatting up women in the passport office. Hehe ...i may be better off here in Britain...but then again who knows what git i will attract? oooh lucky lucky me cant wait! LOL Just joking ! :)
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One more thing for those who dont understand the scenario when tempted with sneaking around to know the truth
BF goes out....computer left on....mail open....computer starts saying 'here is the answer, come and see, here is the answer, you'll know the truth...come and see'
What do you do? Ignore it and keep on crying to your BF that you are sure he is having an affair...keep on hearing him tell you that you must be mad and paranoid and that you are driving him away with your accusations and cauasing problems.....when u know that these problems have started since this day, this day when he started making lots of private calls and shutting himself in his computer room and recieving text messages ....OR OR OR
have a look, find out you were right, cry and vomit ....through him out and then try to recover?????
mmmm i know i did the right thing. He'd probably still be with me now, i'd be totally insane, but he'd still be there. Then round about xmas time he'd say he needed to move out cos i was crazy...LOL
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Police cannot just randomly access emails, there has to be valid reasons, AND also written permission in many cases, and court interference etc...
Police do not just go to computers because one is on, NOR do they just randomly check up on emails in many countries.
There are some countries of course where rights are not quite the same as what citizens of other countries are afforded....
Okay garnering evidence on an obviously cheating partner is a little different to hacking into email becuase of possessiveness OR becuase you think that your partner should have you draped over his/her shoulder 24/7....
Very different. Not right perhaps, but I understand it then....and if it is the only way....
But that is the difference with unwarranted idiotics insecurities and pathetic jealousies...
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I'm sorry. Did someone say 'looking for missing condoms in his drawer'??????
Good lord. If a relationship can reduce a woman to that sort of behaviour then I'd rather be single, ta very much!!!
To be honest, there is no way I would snoop in a partners private things. Chances are I'd have more to hide than him.
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Ha ha ha !!!!!! Sadly JC, I think that is exactly how it goes for some messed up bints on this forum.
TO ALL WIMMEN WHO SPY ON THEIR FELLAS - YOU NEED TO GET YOUR HEADS CHECKED!!!!
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lulu
19 yrs ago
May be a test on DNA with the hairs on his shirt or on the floor...gosh..gimme a break, they are just you boyfriend, not your slave, they did not sell themselves to you.
people getting paranoid and obessive right?
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Lulu - aren't you one of the jealous girlfriends that posted before?
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Its sad that sometimes just sometimes its been caused by the ex cos they did it to us. Thats why im gunna go real slow with my new man , just to ensure ive recovered for the guy who cheated and lied to me for months before i found out the truth.
I cant not imagine my life before him, my man would stay out all night and i wouldnt think twice about it, he'd fail to call me and canecl on me to be with his mates and i wouldnt bat an eyelid. And i know that if i ever feel that something is up again i need to go with my intuition cos its bang on spot on right!! LOL
If in doubt, get them out! Thats my new moto! LOL
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lulu
19 yrs ago
Vulvic> hell no! i was so shock to find all this behaviour here from the girls!
i think if i am those jealous girlfriends here, i will start to registering different handles, start a thread and answer my own in other handles...lol
that would be another sickness....
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...and complicating matters, not all Cretans and liars are cretins! 8-| but there sure are a lot of cretins poking into other people's private business :-(
one of things i love about my bf is his openness and (unprompted) honesty. he gave me his password without my asking for it, early on in our relationship. it happened very naturally - he was shaving in the bathroom and asked me to log on to his pc for him, he wanted to show me a funny email. got to the password prompt so i told him to come out and type it in, and before i could close my eyes, plug my ears and sing "la la la la, i'm not listening" - because i did NOT want to know it!!! - he said "it's ______, and that's what it is for most of my other stuff". he has never asked me for mine in return. btw, that was the only time i ever used his password.
i absolutely believe in the right to privacy, insofar as nothing behind that wall is damaging or harmful to any other people involved. but therein lies the rub. it is a delicate balance between having faith and trust in one's partner, vs listening to one's intuition (read: suspicion), which many people have mentioned here. however, i think that if you do suspect something has gone awry, you should still ask your partner directly, rather than invading their privacy.
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sub
19 yrs ago
For goodness sake, you don't need to get into each others heads to have a good relationship!
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Bear, Epimenides, who allegedly said that all Cretans are liars, was a Cretan too. What does that say? The liar said that all liars are liars? But then again if his statement was true, he would be neither Cretan nor liar, or not all Cretans would be liars thus his statement was false, hehehe. There's the paradox ... So there is hope for honesty, haha.
BTW, totally agree that one relationship is already a handful.
I think being able to have 'a room of one's own' in a relationship is essential. Most certainly there should be openness with your partner, that's why you are in a relationship, and ideally there should be no secrets. Nevertheless, I think respecting each other's privacy is an essential element of the mutual respect that makes a relationship work. Respect and accept the other's wish for some privacy. With each person it can be a different kind of privacy of course.
I couldn't agree more with VOR that if you suspect your partner of cheating, a direct confrontation is the best way to deal with it. If you still think he lies and you can't live with his lying, act accordingly, i.e. leave. Don't lower yourself to snooping etc. It's so degrading.
As for counting rubbers, I totally suck at maths. One and one is eleven.
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Bear, secrets = the purchases you have to hide from your partner because you've been taking retail therapy too seriously again.
What is a secret? I don't think there are 'secrets' I can come up with at the moment I would not share with a partner. As for things from your past, shouldn't that be water under the bridge? Unless of course it's that love child you've forgotten to mention, haha.
BTW, it's a common complaint that you men tend to forget things that we women find important (of course I am generalising here and there are always exceptions to the rule). You'll just have to learn to live with it.
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lulu
19 yrs ago
Hey, not only affairs/ relationships stuff are secrets in relationships!! Some time you might want to save some money on your own for the rainy days! sometime you have secret of your own friends that they want you to keep. Sometime your own family might have something you wanna keep.
We are human beings, individual and i think we should at least have some privacy, not because of anything "you need to hide", just "respect" for being an individual.
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sorry folks but im not gunna feel bad about it whatever any of you say.
After i loooooked my basterd BF of the time screamed at me 'THAT WAS PRIVATE....YOU'VE GONE TOOO FAR NOW...YOU SHOULDNT HAVE LOOKED AT THAT MAIL...IT WAS PRIVATE'
as stated earlier the mail summarised everything he'd been doing with a girl since i started my accusations....i'd been totally right all along....and it still took him 2 months to leave my home! God how i hate this man! LOL
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cd
19 yrs ago
I must be in the minority as me and my husband share the same e-mail address, so we both read all the mails.
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Is there a cultural difference here. My chinese family have no notion of privacy. As in they don't expect it. Even whispering is frowned upon, perhaps the thought is nice people don't have anything to hide.
Just a different chain of thought.
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Shizzel...
Go back and read my post agian, that is not what I was saying about privacy and having something to hide.
And remeber your standpoint may be based on your cultural expectations. Which will differ form other peoples. That does not make you wrong and it does not make thier position sh*te.
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I agree with you but I have western values.
But many of the things that you list in para two are not an accepted norms here.
People do leave the bathroom/bedroom door open. Folks just don't look in. And people will read over your shoulder on the metro, in the restaurant, and to pull your book/mag away so that they cannot read would be considered very rude.
Not right, not wrong, just different.
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lulu
19 yrs ago
Tigerbay> i think it does sound a bit extreme. Do not think Privacy have such good difference in Western and chinese culture. I am traditional chinese and i do not think it is "privacy" you talking about, it just people are being rude or not having mannaers.
I went to shanghai before , in a petrol station toilet, the door have no locks so i have to close the door, those women came in and "bang" into the door even it was closed, they did not care. Most of them go to toilet with the door open. So does it mean it is right to do that in China? or they are not educated to "respect" people's privacy, or they do not have any idea of privacy? well...
I think looking at people's dairy in everywhere is consider not right anyway.
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lulu
19 yrs ago
JC> i was thinking about that as well, good you point it out. Did tigerbay just being sacrastic or what?
Hate people reading other people's stuff over the shoulder..
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Lulu
No sarcasm. I see this in Shanghai, Nanjing, Beijing, so I assume it is the norm in Mainland China.
You say you are traditional Chinese. Are from HK or mainland? It is a relevant Q as values are different.
My Chinese family are quite high status and they have very high manners, but in very different areas.
Perhaps part of the privacy/secrecy values are a throwback to the period 1965-75.
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lulu
19 yrs ago
tigerbay> i am from Hong kong, but i mean reading on other people's shoulder is suppose to be rude in everywhere, right?
Well may be mainland chinese with high status family like to look at their children's dairy, leave the toilet door's open, read newspaper over people's shoulder is a normal stuff. Pardon me ignorance...hahaha.
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Ultra- I agree with ya and concurr! That kinda action is just un-acceptable.
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Yes snooping is wrong! no one is perfect and no one likes someone invading their privacy. Trust me my BF is the first person that will speak up on that issue. However, when he found out that I went in a joint email address I set up for his work email-he did not freak out or break up with me- instead he just asked I trust him. Recently a friend asked for a tag that I created for another site, I joked and said it was a funny name and I did not want to say what the name was. I explained it was personal and I did not care to share. At the end of the evening my friend said he would not check the account and I trusted him to let him in on my name/tag. He then told me days later he checked out my account and he thought it was funny. I was soo pissed. I specificlly asked him not to. He joked about it. I was so angry I never trusted him again and never saw him the same after. It was because I asked him not to check my account that I said was personal. It was my own fault for telling him my tag. I know what it is like and I have been the snooper and snoop-e. So the moral is trust and don't betray your friends. In the end it is not worth it. The snooper always is the fool, but it is not the end of the world either.
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Lulu
you have to remember that many of the values operating in HK are left over from the British.
That is why Shenzen is so different with regards to manners and values.
But there are many things that Westerners do that are considered very bad manners here. Showing anger, real as oppossed to the theatrical raising of voices. Or missing an opportuinty to give face, or worse still deliberatley not giving face. Showing impatience, and many things that Westerners see as normal social currency.
Not right, not wrong. But very different values operate.
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Justin
Status has nothing to do with Daimlers. There are lots of nuveau riche in Shanghai who have no class at all and drive flash motors.
Family in Government, Doctors, lawyers over several generations. Small county in Western China, not rich.
But over 4000 people come to a family funeral, that is a different level of repect, which does not come from money.
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Sorry Justin I sensed a sneer or two.
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yeh Ultra but your probably a nice bloke...and no sane woman would mistrust ya.
Ive learn a lot from all this 'if i dont trust him i must leave him!' so simple.
Like i said before i was with a guy for 12 years before this and the issue of trust came up when we first met, 'do you trust me' yeh...'do you trust me' yeh...alright then...and that was that! Job done.
My advice is if you feel you need to look at your mans phone, black book, email or anything else then forget it...get out there and then.
My ex was a total cheating rotten pig and its all my fault for not going with my intuition first off...someone said months ago 'you only got what you deserved' and at the time i wanted to cry...but its true...i was a dumb arse! LOL
NEVER AGAIN :)
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Fleur
19 yrs ago
Do you know, this really must be an age, or location, thing ..... because until we came to Asia I would never, ever have dreamt on checking up on my husband .... but now?? - explain that one please!!
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i do agree with you. you need some privacy in life, girlfriend or no girlfriend. trust is the word, perhaps
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Mr Cynical - Well said! Well said!! I agree! I agree! I my personal experience, I find that local guys know how to treat a girl waaay better =)
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hey ultra all is well thanks...nice to see the same old names about! Well done folks for sticking to your names and not changing them!! Good on ya
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rats
19 yrs ago
Shizz, if you don't look into their brains,local guys definitely know how to treat a gril better, in terms of manners and materials supply.
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rats
19 yrs ago
I am not saying every local guy doesn't have a brain. Don't stab me :P
But in general, local guys have more time to learn how to please/treat their women as they care less about other intellectual issues (career, philosophy, arts, theaters, movie critics/hisotry, politics, etc...)than their white/foreign counterparts.
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rats
19 yrs ago
shizz=shizzelmynizzel?
No matter who you are, you get me all wrong! My comments were supposed to be sarcastic. And a relationship without spritual and intellectual communication is NOT my thing.
Mass generalisation? Maybe..but it also gives you an idea of some of the local guys. Why you sound like you are so deeply offended?
Take it easy. Don't get oversensitive.
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rats
19 yrs ago
Shizz, you tell me, it seems there is mass generalisation of local girls/women as well and no one stands up and defends them (besides the local girls themselves).
As to the whole gweilo/local men mass generalisation, I posted it from my experience as well. Guess I am just having bad luck? I have no objection if you want to introduce some intelligent (yet having good sense of humour) local men to me :P
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rats
19 yrs ago
shizz, you miss one important point, man with intellect only is no fun :P Didn't you read 'good sense of humour' in my last post? :D
What kind of guys can you offer then?
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Just have a quick look over all the comments/replies. well it's actually pretty simple to me. Ask yourself, are you really hiding anythiny to your gf, if you are, you are a jerk, if you are not, explain to your girlfriend and convince her that you are happy to share with her your whole life but you still want some privacy. All this suspicion came from her feeling that you are not loving her enough- that's my guess but 98% of them are like that, so explain to her, have a good talk on this. Make it simple and easy and do not raise this topic as the Right to anything bla bla, i belive that's a better way to sort this out.
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rats,
”But in general, local guys ....care less about other intellectual issues (career, philosophy, arts, theaters, movie critics/hisotry, politics, etc...)than their white/foreign counterparts. “
are you high on crack? please put down the pipe
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As rats said, her generalization was from her experience. I'm not sure if she has a bad luck or as they say, birds of a feather flock together!
I also have quite a few local intellectual colleagues and friends (some in arts, some in politics, etc.)and they are very witty and wise.
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rats
19 yrs ago
lost in gz - please mind your word :P If you think I am wrong, give me your point of view then, tell me your experience and show me how you are different from the generalisation.
by the bye, pls remember I didn't say ALL locals were like what I had described.
JCPD - your mate definitely belongs to the miniority! you are lucky to have him :D
wildorchid - I am still convinced that I have bad luck :P, came back to HK in March and haven't met many new friends.
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rats
19 yrs ago
JC, I love frozen margarita and would like to join you guys. Unfortunately, I am not available on the 15th :(
Shizz, you sure you don't own any pest control company? :P
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rats
19 yrs ago
shizz - what do you mean?
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rats
19 yrs ago
shizz, and what? Try to look beyond the surface :P
I have my reason to choose the name rats.
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rats
19 yrs ago
shizz-...can't believe you have figured it out!!!
lol
Quickie - your gf just feels very insecure. And maybe for her giving her your passwords is a proof of love as it is probably the last thing you are willing to share with her. It is her last 'victory'. I totally argee that we need our own little space, talk to her patiently and I am sure she will understand you.
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rats
19 yrs ago
Quickie - how long have you two been dating? Your gf sounds really possesive and insecure. Is there any bad record of you lead to her possesiveness and insecurity ? It there is, maybe solving those issues will help :)
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rats
19 yrs ago
shizz - can it be??? don't think so :P or else your love is really cheap LOL
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rats
19 yrs ago
JCPD - are you talking about the forums like 'women only' or 'relationships' ? lol
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rats
19 yrs ago
pogi - how come I don't understand what you are trying to say?
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rats
19 yrs ago
shizz - is that an invitation? (too dumb to comprehend) anyway, thanks, but not available tonight.
JC - count me in when you have another margarita night, it will be great if you can make it on Fri/Sat night :D
Quickie - does your silence mean you did do something bad to hurt your gf and lead to her insecurity?
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rats
19 yrs ago
shizz- your broken heart will be whole again tomorrow. :P That's also one major difference between (collective) western bloke and local bloke... lol
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rats,
if u have a problem with my words, tough.
i am merely responding to your drivel
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rats
19 yrs ago
shizz - I really can't make it yesterday, not becuase I am shy :P
Quickie- tough, have you talked to her why does she need to be around you all the time? As said, how long have you two been dating? Maybe for her it's still the 'honeymoon' period when she wants to be with you 24/7 and spends all the time with you while it is not the case for you?
lost in gz- well, if you want to response, please elaborate your statement.As said, tell me your stand /your point of view, sharing your experience/observation with us to proof how wrong my generalisation is. I bet you are one of the local males and now working in GZ for some reasons.
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rats
19 yrs ago
Quickie - good job! for sure she will understand, she has to (in order to have a nice bf like you) :)
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lotto
19 yrs ago
he who loses privacy, loses freedom; and he who loses freedom loses his life. never let anyone knows your last secret... even parents, brothers or sisters,wife or husband... you will be certainly dead if it becomes under public scrutiny.
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