Posted by
Squall
19 yrs ago
Hi folks,
Have kind of a hypothetical question I'm wondering about.
If someone you loved had hurt you or lied to you, so much that you couldn't carry on a relationship, would you:
a) Mourn your loss, turn and walk away and just love them enough to let go and hope they will be happy.
or
b) Do something that would really teach them a lesson they would not forget lightly. Not talking about physically assaulting someone or stalking or anything like that, but just airing certain truths that would loose them respect with people close to them or ruin their chances at new relationship with another person for example.
Just please answer honestly; I simply want to know how most people would react.
Thanks :)
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KAT8
19 yrs ago
In an ideal world of course you would choose a.
But when emotions come into it, it's a different story.
I think you will only know what you will do until you are in the situation. You can rationalise how you would act if one of your friend was going through a breakup, how you would do so much better than them. How you would let bygones be bygones etc. But in reality once you are that person that has been hurt, deceived you will not know how you will act unless you are in that situation.
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KAT8
19 yrs ago
PT
You are right, it is so easy to say but in reality it is damn hard to do.
We can but try.
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Walking away is aready a lesson for that person and no need to wish or hope for their happiness. It will come if the person deserves it without your hope and wish. It hurts in the beginning, though. But there's a cure for it: TIME. In the meantime I'd learn to feel happy that I could leave him for better opportunities.
One cannot teach others by blaming them or doing bad things back to them. And again, it's just a waste of time and energy.
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If you truly love someone you want them to be happy, regardless if it is with you or without you. From this point of view, option b is definitely the loser's option IMHO. It's not worthy of the love you've once felt for someone.
Yes, if they have hurt you badly, it's hard. It'll take a while to forgive and even if you forgive, you might probably never forget. The primal reaction is indeed to hurt them just as badly. Nevertheless, the "don't get mad, get even" is not my thing. You see, you would be doing the very same thing you condemn the other for doing, i.e. causing hurt. It's like capital punishment. I'm against the death penalty.
If you are being vindictive, usually in a petty way, the person who has hurt you will not easily feel remorse for what he or she did to you. I'd rather have them realise how much they have hurt me than have myself called the psycho ex. You see, I believe in life imprisonment as an alternative for the death penalty. Hurt them longer.
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KAT8
19 yrs ago
PT
Good to know that you have positive attitude.
It's also a bit different when you have kids.
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shaq
19 yrs ago
Revenge brings nothing, but more pain. Turn and walk away. There is a wise African saying that, "if you're afraid of moving on (or turning and walking away from a relationship), you'll never find a good/satisfying relationship. David Graig confirms it; "WALK AWAY". Cheers....
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a) keep your dignity.
If you try to tell a few home truths they will loose face, but you will loose even more respect. You may feel better yourself but it is only short term.
You may also damage chances of future realtionship as you could be labelled a fruitcake/viscious/nasty bitch. People love labels. Avoid getting yourself a bad one.
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tia
19 yrs ago
As much as I plot revenge and wish they would fall into a deep well and never be found, I usually take (A). I agree with Pumpkin about the dignity keeping. However, I can wish that something horrible would befall them, just teach them a lesson or 2.
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There are a few stages a person may go through after a nasty split up, being angry is one of them. It is not unreasonable to think of revenge. I bet most of us has thought of that even for a split second. But after calming ourselves down, most of us will talk ourselves out of this nasty thought. Taking revenge will just show to him/her and all the rest people what a right decision to dump you, and if not quick enough!
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Hi Squall,
I think I know how you feel because I might lose someone I really love too. Although I like Bear's sense of humor, I would probably wish her happiness. I want the other person to remember me in a good way so that one day when she looks back, she will remember me and maybe regret leaving me.
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yeh we are all different. What i know i should do and what i would actually do are two different things and it all would depends on what mood i were in too and how the rest of my life was at the time ...lol
My ex of twelve years was bitterly hurt when we split and sent mails telling me to rot in hell etc but i knew that was just pure hurt and not meant. I felt his pain, onemail was loving and written whilst crying the next would be so bitter i'd think he needed to be locked up. We all deal with things differently and im sorry but i dont believe there is one way to act when things go wrong. Some of us need to get revenge to get it out of our systems and though yes some of you will say it does more harm than good that may not be the case cos there is nothing better than giving....lol
Once again each to their own. Yes it sounds great to walk away all mature and just move on, but if your pilling that up in your heart and not actually recovering but instead adding some baggage then in the long run your gunna be f* later down the line. For me I know that im sane and a good healer, it al comes out immediately and im close to a breakdown then roughly 3 months down the line im back to my old self again, no baggage, no fears and just happy old me.
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Thanks for all the responses all.
Maybe I should explain the situation a bit more.
We fell in love about a year ago, and everything was fine I thought. We were apart for long periods in between, but the love seemed to remain strong. I knew there was someone else after her, and she didn't tell him about us tho, which irked me.
Then one day I found out....I was on the side and she was married, but not out of love. She had married him to help her mom get a visa and he had agreed, but he loved her. She kept him at arm's length in a way as they never lived together or slept together, but she still felt for him all the same.
When I found out, I was obviously angry and told her she should tell him about us. She said she only loved me in truth and would come back to me when she could.
Untill, recently, she slept with someone else, someone who actually knows her husband and who is now quickly becoming her new guy on the side ....
So....yes, partly I would like to teach her that she can't treat people this way. But in a way, I would also feel telling her husband would be the right thing.
Overall, she has been good to me when we were together, which is why I hesitate. But at the same time, I don't want her to just get away with using people like she does.... If I tell her husband and the new guy about us, I'm pretty sure they'll both unceremoniously dump her or worse. In any case, she may learn not to use people like this.
If all this sounds like a soap-opera.......yeah, I'm sure it does. I was blind once, but I gave up on us a while ago. I'm just thinking of what in this situation is the right thing to do.
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Squall
I wasted two years on a woman like this.
Sounds like her life is alreadyt squalid enough.
Being dumpe3d may be the best thing for your long term happiness.
Option a0 and be thankful for what may have been a lucky escape, even if you do still love her.
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Dorris / The Bear - someone once said you need a month for each year you are in a relationship to get over it....seems pretty accurate to me....
Squall - no brainer - option A is the only option. Move on, move up.
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INDIFFERENCE IS THE GREATEST REVENGE...
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Squall, why would telling the husband be the right thing? She's the one who has hurt you, not he. She's the root of your pain. She's the one who has been two-timing, not the husband. Tell her how much she has hurt you.
Your telling the husband and the new boyfriend might only brand you as a psycho ex. Besides, they are both in love with her, at least the husband is. So who says they are going to dump her?
Above all, you're not your brother's keeper. Let them find out themselves who she really is. Keep your dignity. She's the only one you should confront. Give her your piece of mind and let it rest after that. That should be your closure. Telling the husband and the new boyfriend will only temporarily satisfy your feelings of revenge. It's already been mentioned by one of the others that it will not take away the hurt.
Moreover, you say that she has been good to you. Why taint the good memories further?
The right thing to do IMHO is to tell her what you think of her, and get over it. Just hope that she learns from it. You will probably take a while to get over the betrayal but you will get over it eventually. Be happy that you've gotten rid of someone who has so little consideration for feelings of others. Don't forget: there are many fishes in the sea.
Good luck!
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Right,
I had the thought of B when first knew and was at boiling point. But reality is, that you first have to get over your anger before you can think straight.
Most people do the most absurdest things in such a stage, which they regret afterwards.
By-gones are by-gones, and let it go. Anger is such a weight, why not hit the gym instead?
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I agree with nemesisX, not the husband who hurt you, so if you tell him, you may hurt him and make things even worse.
Are you sure, squall, that the husband does not know about her affairs? You said that "she kept him at arm's length in a way as they never lived together or slept together", so I guess the husband should be aware of what she is doing, or?
So, like all others have said, just walk away and let time and other people, other daily activities help you forget that woman.
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She's does sound like a nasty piece of work though. The type of woman that sees men as mealtickets. Are you sure she even loved you at all??
Dump her and move on.
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lulu
19 yrs ago
i walk away peacefully. Sometime i do think i walk away too early! lol
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Bear, I'm not sure if naming and shaming will punish the culprit in the present case. I still believe a direct confrontation is more effective. BTW, he is not pardoning the offence if he confronts her.
Squall, you know what, why don't you post her a link to this thread?
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Thanks for the responses all...
I know she did love me once and at that time she didn't want to tell me for fear of loosing me. I'm sure she seriously considered telling her husband, but she felt her mother would suffer if she did, so she kind of ignored her feelings.
It's only with this last person she's really "cheated" on me. She is very cute, so she can get men with lots of money if she wanted to, but she was never after money with me or anyone else. I think she just enjoys the power of having people want her.
The thing that bothers me really is the way she direspects the people who are really good to her. She'll shower all the attention in the world on someone and then suddenly discard them when she finds a new toy. It's not like people are disposable....
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Squall - where is this lady from???
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Squall, what are you sobbing about! She cheated on you, she disrepected you, she discarded you. Hey man, be a MAN!
She'll get what she deserves if she is that bad. And what she'll reap will be worse than your revenge!
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Have heard similar stories from my friends in Vietnam.
Guarantedd this girl did not love you, you have outlived your usefulness and she has now found a replacemnt. See her for what she is, a user, and move on.
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Wow, everyone else here is all about the maturity and blahblahblah...
Am I really the only one here not in competition for sainthood ;-)
Squall, she sounds like a total dick and deserves her comeuppance. I know everyone here is like, 'karma will get her in the end', 'she'll never be truly happy', etc., but I suspect that while karma can be a bitch, she's a rather lazy one and your ex-lady will probably be very happy, pouncing from sucker to sucker... unless you take action.
Check out http://www.revengelady.com for ideas.
Okay, probably healthier for you to forget it... but I like it when crappy things happen to crappy people. So sue me.
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Snuffles, you are so unique! You sound to have a real revenge karma! Hey, have you ever been able to stop a girl "pouncing from sucker to sucker..."? What I heard is that girls can stop guys cheating on around by cutting their..., you know what I mean! So beware, jerk!
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evohe
19 yrs ago
Wildorchid : I don't see any reason why you should insult Snuffles, or I must miss something. I hope that it is not a public display of frustration ...
Squall, this reminds me of a situation I have been thrue. Well cheating seems to be well spread.
Those threads turn to be quite depressing, it seems that you cannot put your trust in people. And quite a big chunk of gal's in Hong Kong seem to be in sh*tty relashionship. Woua this is giving me headache.
Hmmm. Squall : I would go for peace of mind. Try to get detached. And next time, try to go for someone who has a pure heart and solid moral foundations and a strong will. Someone who know what she wants and is honest about herself and her feelings.
Rather be alone than with someone who has baggage or not well grounded. I need clarity in speech, thoughts and action. Not worth to torture your mind for someone, much better things to do.
So conclusion, just walk and try to figure out what kind of person is really right for you, and avoid doggy ones.
Cheers - Words from Dailai Lama
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In terms of how long it takes to 'get over it' i believe that you cant generalise by saying tis a month for every year as we all know that every relationship is different, every person is different, every experience and every depth of how f* up you got...lol...etc etc etc
When i split from the 12 year relationship, even though it was my choice, it took me about a year before i stopped missing him so that my heart thought it would break, another year for the giult to fade and then a further year before i stopped the tears occaionally when i thought of our times together. Thats bloody three years! When i was talking about recovery i was only meaning the insanity over period. Right now im still at the insanity period where i get waves of hoping he got seriously damaged in some way or scheming how i can make him hurt.
Revenge would be real sweet right now, but, i know that later down the line when ive got over this initial evil bitter period it would change to regret and then guilt...even though it would probably be only half the pain that he has put me through. Yes oh yes, to walk away with your head held high is the best way in order to hurt him really, cos it could make him feel like you never gave a sh*t anyway....but at times like this i dont care what he thinks ...i dont want him to ever think again sometimes! LOL
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Bear: Thanks :-D
And BOOYAH!
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Okay guys you all know me a little so im gunna confess some of what i have done to get that sweet revenge and yes oh yes im sorry to say but it has helped me a lot
The first thing my ex did to make me angry was he made a bum deal with some person in america. He told me one thing but i was sure of another. Lets just say one day he was screaming poverty and the next he'd bought a ticket. I said nothing.
He went came back skint and then went off with this chick he met in the passport office. Had sex with her twice, she went back to america and then i became his hoar and she his girlfriend.
Yep that cut a long story short lol lol
There were of course many things he did in between and prior to this that allowed me to start to love/hate him and over time the love deminished (like the fact that he went with her august and let me cry and cry whilst he called me paranoid for tellign him i knew somethign was up...i almost very almost lost it...thinking I Must be goign crazy) anyways.....REVENGE
WELL, when i found the mail in september (and yes bfore you all start harping on about even looking even though i needed to know the truth....lalala i know i was wrong and god i wish i hadnt looked believe me) i also found a mail from a guy in america asking for his 10K back cos he hadnt got his goods.
My ex was also a crook folks and though he tried to lie over and over to me i never believed him though had never gotten enough evidence to prove it...even to this day really.
When he got back from america he told me he had lost 10,000 american dollars (quite a bit of cash really from one deal eh?!!!!lol) and therefore couldnt pay what he owed me from july up until october...yep 4 months rent why he was under my roof telling me he still loved me and sharing porn with his american GF...lol lol lol....who i should add he met twice, she was 20...and in school there! ahhhhh
he really messed me up with telling me it was over between them and he was so sorry and that he still loved me and for september i continued to have sex with him off and on. I struggled to keep the appartment going, he still didnt have money to pay rent, he eventually moved out in October having spent all that time with me whilst talking to her three times a day on his phone or on the net locked in his room under the roof of the place i had been solely paying for since july. Serious folks he was taking the piss out of me and i couldnt do a thing about it jusy get more and more angry about his total nerve!
By the time he left in October i was a totral wreak, due to total hurt and destruction, he had made me feel like total sh*t, worthless and useless. He had treated me so badly but yet failed to admit it, just said 'we all make mistakes'
SO WHAT DID I DO?
Well for 1 i had saved that mail. for two i sent many mails to her just letting her know what a cheating rotten liar he was.....i drove myself insane with providing her with evidence. i so wanted them to be over but not so that i could have him...no way i didnt want him, i just wanted him to feel like sh*t.i just hated him so much and wanted him to have no comfort from anyone else. I had been so alone through all this and i wanted him to be.
I left my appartment (which was in joint names) telling him to sort it out with the landlord,
and now finally i have sent the mail from that man back in July (who is begging for his 10k back! ahhhhhh!) to her and him.
My final revenge was to forward that mail to the two of them because i know full well that he told her that he lost that money and that i didnt understand and so he had to leave me cos i was always fussing about money. The man is bad and evil and sometimes i really do feel if we dont get revenge then they can go through life not getting what they deserve. Kalma does not always work, im sure of that. I've seen wonderful people have terrible lives and terrible people have wonderful ones.
It has been stressful getting revenge on him but im sure without it he would have sailed on without any thought for the damage he had done. This way he may not give 2 monkeys about the damage to me but the anger he's feeling has got to give me some peace of mind! Maybe!!! LOL
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Thanks for sharing.....
My ex is originally Chinese but emigrated to the US when she was 12.
I had a particularly nast conversation with her a few days ago....
After she had come back to China this time, she told me what had happened and I was genuinely heartbroken and humiliated.....
I went to see her the next day, crazy as I was at the time, and we slept together.....but all the feeling was gone. She later told me I had guilt tripped her into it......but honestly the following times we had sex, she hardly needed much prodding.
Now.........a few days ago she said I made her sick to her stomach for just using her like that. She doesn't consider her sleeping with wnother guy "cheating" on me cause I wasn't her "official" boyfriend. Yeah, I had only old her two dozen times she should tell her husband the truth and I held on, believing that she loved me. But because I still held on knowing she was married,........she says I have no right to judge her.
I don't know anymore.......she has always treated me well when she was with me, but she hid a lot of things and expected me to simply put up with the fact I was "on the side" while making vague promises and assuring she loved me....
Now she wants us to "cool off" and just be friends....... She actually clearly told me "what did I ever do wrong to you". I guess I would just like to see some remorse or guilt over cheating or lying....
Despite everything.....I still miss her, but I doubt I still love her. And honestly, I could have it much worse, if I was her husband who is in the US and has seriously no clue all this is going on.
I understand Doris when she says she doesn't want the other person to feel comfort.....I have been left out in the cold by her more than once and I guess I would just like to cut the safety net from under her to make her feel the same. And maybe I'll save some other suckers from suffering a worse fate than mine.
Does this person really deserve this tho and do I want to be the kind of person that does that? Karma won't catch up to her, she will keep doing this simply because she can. All guys she meets worship her, so she can control them any way she wants......I guess I just really feel like teaching her she can't get away with it....but is it really justified?
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In the words of Ben Stiller as David Starsky: "Do it. Do it."
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Hahaha! I like that saying too and it sounds weird to my boyfriend as I say it time to time to him in Starsky manner:))
I agree that that lady deserve some real bad things, guys. But maybe not from you, squall, because you once loved her and you might regret later that you have done bad things to her.
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YEP Squal your right, she will sail on until she realises she was wrong, maybe getting some of her own medicine will help.
Thats what did me in with this situation. After the pig moved out in october, having lied, cheated and ripped me off (and he smashed up my new phone cos i got a text from a mate, whilst he was the one who'd cheated...lol) he simply said 'we all make mistakes im sorry' I looked at him and he so didnt mean it...actually minutes later he walked the dog and took his phone along.
He never once showed real remorse and promised not to leave me 'high and dry' lol...
i waited patiently, pulled funds from all over in order to keep the rent etc going and he never paid 1 penny...nothing. I cried to him over the fact that i felt total imprisoned in debt and worry and didnt want the dog that he left left me with...he still did nothing to help, not even come and take out the dog he had insisted on getting !!! What a pig!!
So what im saying is that i gave him a chance to be amicable and when he failed to make things as good as possible for me i decided to mess up his life!
Im sorry but there is no way any man comes into my life bleeds me dry both emotionallly and financially and then walks away scot free.
I managed to cause huge rows between him and her as he had lied about when he moved out, when he had last seen me and obviously who i was, i put some home truths in her face and gave him back some of the stress he had caused me.
For an update, he called me yesturday to say the landlord stopped him in the street and ordered that he paid a months rent cos i hadnt given sufficient notice. That was my parting gift to him. I posted the keys to OUR appartment through his door.....sweet sweet revenge.
He'd let me pay the rent sine June alone,moved out in october and thought that the fact he'd moved out would protect him. Too dull to realise if i ran he would be hastled....lol.....hehehehe hence me coming home! ahhhhhh! I feel better now ...i dont need to hear anything further from the a** and i KNOW he must have learnt something from this experience.
Squall for you Info, my ex used to use chinese women in Shenzhen. He'd tell each of them they were the lov of his life, lend money and eat with them...move in with them, get a dog, then when they started nagging about contributions he'd move out calling them crazy. Twas his thing im sure. Obviously i only found out about this off one of his ex- friends recently, though when we first met he did tell me he'd been a bit of a boy in china but just needed a western woman who could understand him, he told me it was all frustration and he wanted to settle now...lol....
he did me exactly the same and i felt so stupid for not listening to my friends from the start. They told me he had other women, ex girlfriends and real girlfriends and girls he just f* now and then! ahhhh! I thought i was enough for him!
Now he's gunna make sure that he choses stupid women so they dont have the intelligence to get him back. I have done some real cunning and wicked things and im actually quite proud sometimes as i have perhaps saved a few hearts, yes and other times i feel like a fool still
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As i mentioned earler, my ex (of 12 years) went crazy when we split and called me every name under the sun, he couldnt do anything bad, like run off and leave the keys to the appart, of forward males about my cheating crimes cos i didnt have any....however as i say he said some pretty nasty things....but now 3 years on we are the best of friends.
It doesnt matter what they said or did when they were bitter as you forget it if you want to...thats if they are special enough to you.
I wasnt special to this pig and i dont want him to ever look back and regret us finishing. I want him to look back and think thank god she stopped !!! I cant stand him!
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spice
19 yrs ago
I think option A. It also depends on your motives. You see, I have this option at present as well .. and I chose Option A .. because my motive was to make him dislike someone else .. but the result would not have made him love me any more .. infact the opposite is true.
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Yeh i wanted this guy to think 'sh*t i wish i hadnt messed with a brit!' lol...
Think he thought i'd simply let him go, just crumpled and crying over him. Instead I turned nasty and evil (oops) and managed to put him down and make him feel as low as he had when he chose to trample on my ego. To all you brits out there, Im sure ive said us! He once told me that he wouldnt have another african/american girlfriend because they got real mad.
Im sure he's gunna stick to little twenty year olds from herein, ideally ones that live at home and a few thousand miles away, that way theres no fussing...hehe lol lol lol
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Hey Dorris!! I have missed you.... how are you doing???
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missed you more darling, doing good thanks xxx
Been on a few funny dates will update the thread later and send you PM now ! x
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hey bear i sent you a pm!
Revenge, retribution, setting of scores, retaliation, punishment
I particulary like the idea that revenge is 'settling of scores' dont you! I feel like i've done as much setting as possible now, he still didnt get what he deserved but i will now leave the rest to Karma...lol
I was tryig to find a good poem as its always nice, but they are wayyyyy too serious for this forum and we dont want that do we? !!! hehe
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come on i cant be the only twisted bitter chick out there....guys and girls some of you must have done a bad thing or two to get at someone who has hurt you! Please tell i need to feel better about this...lol....its okay i dont feel bad about it. I would keep going til the fat lady sings but sadly i have run out of things to do now and ive got bored too. I think just maybe im over it ....im seeing normal things now ...not destruction and murder and black Black BLACK...lol
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twas my birthday yesturday and he sent me a message to say happy birthday! ahhh how sweet and even though he hurt me so bad i shed a tear for what we had before all the crap! Yes revenge is good but the feeling of recovery is so much better....
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Life is too short to do some evil revenging things. I was hurt badly by my last relationship, and the heartbreak takes nearly 6 months to get recovered. So time can heal heartbreak and remove your bad feelings from your present memory. If your mind is occupied by revenge, you would lose the chance to know someone nice, therefore, you would always be probadly in the bad mood all the time but starting your delightful life. You will get more kicks than halfpence, it's not worthy.
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just move on. keep it in mind: you deserve better and you'll have it the minute you let go of the past.
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Nat27
19 yrs ago
Hey Dorris, u know i know ur feelings and what i say is that u should everything what it takes to make urself get over the pain that the person cost u.... i had bf and one day he just dumped me if i can say that, but with out even telling me... i had no idea what was it...
well i was with this guy 4 years, two years lived together, than different cities, coz he had some problems with his school, so he went to dalian, i stayed in beijing coz there were not jobs in dalian at that time, we worked together to make money for his school for one year, and he didnt have enough to pay for his rent, so i was paying for it, and also for apartment that i was living in bj, than finaly at the end of year he got the job, but somehow it wasnt still enough for him to pay for rent, but at leats it was something, but still i had to save money for his school, when i asked him to work one year together so that we could be together and make enough for tow more years he said he didnt want to waist time, so i thought maybe he had point there... and in agust i gave him money, and thats the time he met this girl, than in winter i went home, and before i left i gave him again money for his second semester and after i came bk to bj he called me and told me that he moved to dorm with koran roommate, so everytime i used to go there we stayed at hotel, i believed him, coz we talked everyday, and i could call him anytime, at nite, and he would answer and tell me that he loved me and u know.. but before i used to visit him without telling him, so i never thought he could cheat on me... and it was in april that he came and i could feel that something wasnt same, but he had so many excuses, that his life is so hard in dalian, he work study.. when i asked him if he ever cheat on me he was oh, honey i wish i had time for things like that... so yeah, i was working for 7 days a week to make enough .... well whatever...
after he left last time he caled me it was my birthday, and than suddenly he stopped.... i was worried about him so much, but the thing was that i didnt know where was he leaving, coz he told me he moved to dorm with korean guy and i never checked that... anyway his mobile was off, his place i didnt know, i was writing him everyday.. anyway i went to dalian and somehow i found him, i knew his boss's number..
Well, i found him and he told me he had problems with his school andf cvouldnt tell me and bla bla bla.... and that his roommate broke his mobile, and dorm they didnt have phone, i couldnt believe in this but i dont know i just believed him, coz he looked really depresed, even though he looked a little bit fat..while telling me that he couldnt eat and .....
well... i came bk to bj and he still doesnt call me... i went there again, and i found out that he still lived in the same place as before, with his new gf.... they were not at home so i found them at the bar... girl saw me and just left, i was shocked and the only thing i was able to ask y didnt he tell me that before, i wpould just walk away.. he told me he couldnt face it, and couldnt say it loud..
well, we didnt talk to much and he told me it was just 4 months ago that he met her.... i went to hotel and ofcourse i could sleep, so i went to his apartment next morning i needed to hear more and he told me so many stupid things, that this relationship wasnt working for him anymore, lol.it wasnt working for me i guess, but for him... he he he...he used me, i was paying for apartment he lived, for school and well, now i feel sick even saying that but even for his clothes... and he told me that girl knew everything from very foirst day they met....
i was shocked, i just told him some nice things but couldnt say much..... and than this girl goes, u know u have right to be angry with im, but y r u trying to ruin my life.... i could answer her coz i was really shocked and didnt really care about them, i told them they deserve each other, somenice words like f... and left...
came home and i was fine first day, second day when i remembered her words his words, gee... i just couldnt be myself, it lasted months, and i knew i had to talk to him, friends and my sister were telling me that i had to let it go.. somethimes i was thinking i could coz hey it happens he met someone else and what can i do... but the fact that he used me and after all it seemed like im the one who did terrible thing and im the one who felt so bad but they were happy there... needed just to hear that at least he was sorry.... i never thought about revenge, i knew it would make me fel better but i had so many things to tell them and even her...
so i didnt tell anyone just went there again, she was at home alone, she let me in and first thing she said was that she was sorry about everything, and stuff she said .... well i wanted to leave but he was coming soon, so she told me i cooud stay there and wait for him, i know it sound silly, but well.... anyway we tolked some more, they were dating each other for one year, and she was listening to our conversations, reading my letters.... and well it seemed she knew everything... she didnt know everything but well, i told her everything, of course im so silly i felt sorry for her and many things i just kept for myself coz i saw she really loved him..
well he came bk, and he was shocked ....as i already knew we didnt have talk, after all the things she told me about him.... it was hard to tolk to him... and she said some things she shouldnt tell me that he hit her ones and trew her out without money but than she came and asking him to take her bk....
well, later she had nerve to write to me... but u know anyway i felt better after all.... they do deserve each other and now that i know what kind of person she is and he as well... im happy its over... it still hurts, i dont hate him but... anyway....sometimes revenge helps.... coz u cant let ppl treat u this way.. and thay do it again later im sure about it...
ops i have to go now... late for work...lol
i know now one thing im not gonna trust anyone that much.. and ill never be able to do as much for another person ever i guess and that hurts....
ok guys sorry for this huge letter....
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Damn, there are some evil people out there.
Dorris - your ex-bloke deserved all you gave him and then some. Glad you got some satisfaction out of it and are now moving on.
Nat27 - I am amazed you don't hate your ex after his betrayal, I would.
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Nat27
19 yrs ago
well, i thought no one would understand what i wrote there....
Well yes u r right, maybe it is strange that i dont hate him, but i just dont think that he even deserves that... even to hear his name makes me feel sick... its kind of my fault as well, how could i be so fool, i just cant forgive myself.... i have this feeling that if i say i hate him it means that i care about him...i dont know how to explane this... i just dont want to feel anything for him.. i just dont care about him... he is a loser, dont have right words in english... it makes me feel sick even to say that i ever loved that person...
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Nat27, you don't wanna hate him cause your hate comes from your love for him. you wish he had never been in your life and hence left no trace of any sort. don't be hard on yourself. you were the one that's giving it all in a relationship. remember, most people don't even try anything to make their relationships work. you should give yourself two thumbs up. and here are mine!! : )
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I feel revenge is sweet and must be taken. Its just that the means differ from people to people. I have been through a tough break up and betrayal by a friend (it is connected). My different suggestions for revenge.
1) Forget the friend+ex. dont EVER call+talk to them. Delete the numbers+if you ever see each other.. act VERY friendly with other people and IGNORE the person in question. Make them realize that something IS GOING ON.. you ARE PISSED OFF.. and there is nothing that can be done about it.. except maybe if they decide to crawl up to you and beg for forgiveness...
2) Get on with you life.. BE SUCCESSFUL. use the heartbreak+revenge as MOTIVATION and make them FEEL that they have made a mistake.. not you.
3) Make sure you actually GET OVER IT instead of PRETENDING. YOU HAVE TO forget (but not forgive)
That is the sweetest revenge.. getting over and forgetting someone who has betrayed you. they dont DESERVE you friendship, nor your aquantaince.
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Nat27
19 yrs ago
Well, sweetest revenge i wouldnt call it that way, its just something that we have to do, go on... and we dont always get chance to let ppl who hurt u to see that u r doing just fine, u do it for urself... make them feel that they make mistake? lol... if they dont feel that way i dont think its my job to make them understand that... And u r right hippie jam, u dont need to forgive them u just have to forget.... just need some time, thats all... but i think in some cases revenge might help u to get over it... ppl are different...
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Well,
It finally happened this week.......I got my revenge, but it wasn't intentional. My ex and I had sort of been together again for a couple of days, but the love had gone completely, so she asked for space. I gave it to her; I was hurt, but still missed her. She had told me she would at least spend Christmas with me. We talked maybe once a week, but then finally she left back to the US without a single word. It made me furious and together with all the stuff that had happened before I wrote her a really angry e-mail.
I did threaten to tell the husdband and/or new lover, but I would have just let go if she had simply recognized that she had been wrong. She kind of half-assedly responded she understood I was angry, but still didn't think she'd done anything wrong. Her mother even called me to calm me down as she obviously has her interest in this, which just pissed me off more.
In any case, I was tired and going to let go, move on to bigger and better. Plus I had been seeing someone else.
But then she told me her husband saw my e-mail to her and it would have made everything clear to him. I felt terrible, really, for causing such a mess, despite what she had done. I tried to e-mail the husband after apologizing both for what I did and what she had done and trying to tell him, in the end she had loved him more (maybe she did).
So, I got revenge....unintentionally and it feels bad. She'll hate me now for sure for messing up her life.....and I can't work out if I'm to blame or not.......I just feel terrible.
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Nat27
19 yrs ago
Hi Squall, well i guess it wasnt what u wanted thats why u feel bad about it but u cant be sure that her husband read ur e-mail. Well and if he really did it might not even be a very good idea to write to him now, things might get even worse... And u didnt mess her life up, she did... And i dont think she will hate u for what u did, she knew that u loved her... it hurts when ppl who u care for so much treat u so bad and u wrote to her not to her husband, its not ur fault that he read it, if he really did... plz. u should just forget about her and try to be happy!
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Well, the story has a tail.
Her husband sent me an e-mail, thanking me for finally letting him know the truth. He is a good and decent man and puts the blame squarely where it belongs, on my ex's shoulders. It's ironic he would be the one to make me feel better after all this. He's as heartbroken as I was and also has no clue what to do next. We're both trying to piece together what happened and now realize she kept even more things from both of us.
I finally realize that despite everything, I have mostly done what is right, rather than doing things for what I wanted, no matter what my ex told me. I was partly motivated by revenge initially, but mostly, I felt things just weren't right. I let my values be influenced by the things my ex accused me of and I realize I shouldn't have been ashamed. The feeling is......liberating.
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yeh i got a call over xmas from my ex to say sorry and that i was right and that he was evil etc etc etc .....
It made me feel sad, but somehow not crazy anymore. I always knew i was write but the feeling of pure hurt overode everything else. 'Revenge' is such a strong word that we all immediately imagine the doings of something evil...but if its a case of just getting what is your back then i see that it does nothing but good. Forgiveness is something i wanted and as much as i think i have forgiven him i know that deep down its a bit early yet!
There is no way i could have walked away though..i wanted him to know how he hurt me ...i didnt want to pretend he hadnt (as some people do to make them hurt more...good tactic i know! But i couldnt do it) I guess the teacher in me wanted for him to see what he had done wrong and why i was so mad!
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Thank you Bear, for reminding us that the "Enlightened Posture" is just that-- a pose we take. Seems that many are fond of climbing up on their high horses and peering down upon us all. [despite the fact that their horses are built upon the shambles of their own ruined relationships]
Questions for us all:
Few of us claim that we are acting completely rationally when in the first stages of love/romance/dating.
Why, then, should we claim that we have the ability to behave in a rational manner when the relationship begins to end?
So many have asserted "karma" will come back and "get" the person who has hurt us -- why can't WE be the "karma" that "gets" them? Close that circle quickly.
For those of you who propose that you will, in the future, select more carefully and find decent partners-- are you telling us you WERE NOT being careful and selective in the beginning? Most of us were hurt because we completely trusted our partner, not because we thought he/she was a dangerous liar and cheat.
"Living well is the best revenge" has been a theory pushed here. Well, when I'm living well, alone, in BJ and he is living well-er in another place with another woman, I doubt my success means a trifle to him.
"I have loved him/her so much that I wish continued happiness" – sounds great. I have never been able to feel that way until a considerable time period—well after the time that any kind of "revenge" would be possible [without looking like an insane harpy, of course]. How many of us would say we are in relationships that we could have torn from us through deception and then say "Well, it was good while it lasted" ? Remember, the example here is not a relationship that wears itself out, but one that is discovered to be mired in deceit.
Okay, enough questions... don't want to sound as if I am attacking "us" :)
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Dear 'squall'
I'm very sorry that you have been hurt so much that you're like a pressure cooker - with the hurt all inside wanting to come out some way - any way.
Can I give you some advice learnt the hard way? Revenge is bitter-sweet - it rebounds and it makes the vengeful one look mean-spirited.
The bottom line is that we do everything for love or to be loved - everything - even bad deeds are committed to gain love or to feel loved or because we lack love. But, someone doesn't take our love away. We have infinite love. So, when you are feeling betrayed and unloving, give someone love. Not the betrayer, even though he probably needs it more than anyone. Give love to everyone you meet and then you will see that he didn't steal you love, he just didn't accept it.
Love,
Susan
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also the films "the last seduction" and "romeo is bleeding" - great indie revenge flicks
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this post is a great one at that though! How are you squal anyway?
:)
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revenge-had it before. Felt good for a nanosecond. Then realised that it didnt change a thing. I was still hurt/dumped and left with nothing
looking back, he could have been kinder but it didnt change the fact that we are actually better off on our own anyway.
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Sebastien, whatever revenge you wanna take to make yourself feel better or your other half understands what you've been through, a piece of advice is don't ever inflict the pain on others just becuase your nasty half has done so to you
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Sebastien, what you say makes sense. I recall that song by Prince called I Hate You. Somewhere along the song he sings I hate you because I love you.
Nevertheless once it's done, it's best not to dwell on it or advocate it as it is a poisonous state to be in.
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My option also is b.
if some guy wanna hurt me or fool me or lie me, then I will teach him about how to behave himself gentle in this world !!!!!
I mean why you wanna hurt me when I share you my true & passionate love in my precious life????
So you can hurt me ,then I am just a person which only can be hurt & fooled by you silly European guy in here?????? nope ! You idiot guy should also be punished by me if you do it in your crap rests !!!!!!
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I really wouldn't opt for revenge, did it in the past and I never felt good about it and it only builds up the hatred inside you.
as a matter of fact, the opposit of love is not hatred, it's indifference.. the best way to get over a sour painful relationship is to let go and let the time heal, the quicker you stay away from the person who hurts you badly, the easier for you to become indfferent towards this person and move on
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you don't need to do anything to him. Just be happy yourself, find someone else better or live a better life, make yourself look better then if you want you can show it off to him.
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I got a call this week from a guy with whom things ended badly about a year ago. I had felt that I was treated like crap or sh*t.I never got to express that as we lived in different countries and he just stopped calling or replying emails. Great way to end things.
Fast forward one year, glad to report that I've made peace with myself and moved on. Then he calls me,oozing with charm saying he was in town and would like to have some drinks and catch up with me.
Not surprisingly I refused as I knew now, he is a jerk and is hoping to get laid while in town. We had a civil conversation, so no bitterness or screaming and all. But I did tell him that I did not wish to remain friends with him and that he stil owed me an apology for treating me "like sh*t and that he was an A.H.
End of conversation-surprisingly he apologised. I didnt feel vindicated, but that wasn't what I was looking for anyway. Nevertheless the feeling was more like a milder form a relief for it was a closure that I seeked more than a year ago an never got.
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sometimes people are not aware that they are A.Hs. They need to be informed.
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Yes, agree.
I had ex friend calls me once in a blue moon ..."do you wanna catch up and have a drink" ? Then you wondering why they remember you...the next questions they say "do you get laid recently"? And i know why...why so many men are such a**holes. Thet only call when they wanna "get laid".
I did not anwser "F**k off" cos i feel too rude and i just say " no thanks", but actually they are worst than a "a f**k off" treatment. Some people are shameless.
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i give myself the most 6 months mourning period and then wish them HAPPINESS FOREVER and move on. shake the dust off my shoes and live a brilliant life~ =)
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crap is technically a by-product of one's digestive system. No problem.
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tuttifrutti,
I understand, but that's the longest time I gave for my last relationship, for ht others, 3 days maximum and I still cannot understand why I did it, hahahaha wasted my 6 months and missed out chances, hahah~
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nah, i do not need 6 months. I felt i left a burden sometime. Somehow i wanna puke when i think about him too.
Some men are just a disgrace.
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Meems
19 yrs ago
Think of all the horrible things he's done or said. Just congratulate yourself that he's gone for good. Life is good, a long as your health is well.... plenty of things to look forward to.
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I have never read anyone who posts their private life like this. It's so sad...
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