Posted by
spice
19 yrs ago
Through many failed relationships .. and having my heart broken numerous times, I have come to realise I am a 'love addict'. Does anyone else out there fall under this category?? Does therapy really work? I long for a healthy relationship, but find nice guys really boring. I tend to go for the 'emotionally unavailable' and am nurturing a broken heart at the moment, from a man who could never have given me what i wanted. His was from another culture and already had 2 wives!!
I want to make myself well again, and stop entering relationships where I try to please all the time and end up having no self esteem or respect left. When we separate I feel my life is boring. I know it shouldn't be like that. I should be happy ANYWAY and someone else should only add to this happiness.
I'm thinking of attending SLAA meetings. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Thanks x
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Your "try to please all the time" makes any nice guys spoilt. Once you know that's the problem, stop pleasing guys!
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spice
19 yrs ago
Thank you all for your advice. Miss P in particular - you are totally on the right track. I know my problem, but it is trying to stop repeating it that is the problem. To the others - it is like saying to an alcoholic that just because they KNOW they are an alcoholic, they should just not have another drink .. easy right? No. For those that don't know I should have clarified - SLAA stands for sex and love addicts annoymous. I am not a sex addict, but I do become 'obsessed' (though I hate that word) with people when i fall in love with them. Obsessed in the sense that I find it so hard to 'let them go' even when I know they are bad for me.
This last man was certainly not good for me, but I wanted him so much I denied his bad points.
Thank you all though - your comments are much appreciated.
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Lurch
19 yrs ago
Alcoholism is a disease not an addicition .... you never hear people talk about smoking as "Cigaretteism" smoking is an addicition.
Ever lived with an alcoholic and seen the absolute destruction that the disease causes? I did for 19yrs and it finally killed her and had an untold effect on my kids
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I am with Lurch on this, lived through a very similar experience. The 'problems' are just an excuse to have another drink.
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I thought it was measles and chicken pox, syphalis (not sure of the spelling) etc that killed most of the Indians. At least that's what they told me on the Indian reservation I visited There were a lot of drunk indians around though.
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spice
19 yrs ago
I think we are getting off the track here ... ;-)
But, last word, in the dictionery "addiction" states "doing or using something as a habit, or compulsory". I know I am addicted to love, but I know where this stems from. I hate to sound melo-dramatic, but it comes from being abandoned by all sorts of close family members when I was a kid, and fearing that people are always going to leave me (which funny enough .. ends up happening). So - my addiction is based on low self esteem brought on by past hurts (which I am sometimes unconsciously aware of).
Question is - 33 years of having this is not easy to stop. The "habit" turned compulsive and now I don't even really recognise a healthy relationship when it knocks me on the head.
Any comments on that? Thanks.
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spice
19 yrs ago
Hey Justin Credible
Appreciate your comments and your honesty about your situation. Just to remedy one thing .. I know it is me that has the problem and that it does not lie with parents, boyfriend etc etc. I only mention my past because it has brought about my awareness, but I in no way blame them. They were doing their best at the time etc.
In relation to this particular man .. I was always telling him how I felt. I don't whether it was being muslim (this may cause some hysteria .. ) but he seemed not to have much respect for my feelings and when I said he should try and see things from my point of view he would say "I cannot think that low".
Some of the things he has done and said to me .. any normal person would have walked a long time ago, but there was also something I really loved about him and due to my lack of self esteem, I didn't want to lose him. In hindsight, my very action of trying to please him is what caused him to have no self respect. I can see that now. But anyway .. hindsight is a wonderful thing. He felt like my drug .. my heroin, I felt actual withdrawal feelings when I did not see him for a long time, and I am experiencing them now .. restlessness, inability to sleep, lack of appetite etc.
I am trying to do all the right things .. positive affirmations, meditation, enrolling for classes, going to counselling, but I guess it's just hard to keep starting from scratch again and again and sometimes I feel it's just all too hard.
x
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spice
19 yrs ago
Justin - yeah maybe you are right with "u thought he loved u but guess what .. you were wrong" ... maybe it's just that I wouldn't say that to someone if I didn't feel it. Maybe I am a decent person and expect the same from others? I have never told someone I loved them if I didn't. He even asked me to marry him, and then changed his mind. He was continually dangling an icecream in front of me and then pulling it back when I got hungry. The attraction for love addicts is the 'hope' that someday someone is going to give them the security and love they so desperately desire. He knew my vulnerability and used it. I guess I just can't understand how a person can do that?
Move on? Sure, I have to. He has moved away and I can't contact him, but I am a very sensitive soul, not just for myself, but I also empathise deeply to others pain. i can't understand how people can be so hot one minute and so cold the next. But hey .. perhaps I deserved it .. for being such a gullible fool. Yes, alarm bells did ring, many, many times, and that is one of the aspects of being a 'love addict' .. we live in a fantasy world of what we WOULD like to happen and tend to push the bad things to the back of our mind.
Perhaps I should just realise that the world is full of heartless, cold, unloving people and end this fantasy once and for all.
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Sylph - equating alcoholics with dieters??? Not that sharpest tool in the box are you?
Sounds like JC's brother had a lucky escape.
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Don't call me 'dear'. I know exactly what this thread is about, thanks very much. Problem is, you couldn't tell your arse from your elbow let alone give advice on serious issues.
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I believe you started the attacks Sylph, on this thread at least.
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Bloody hell! Is it any wonder you're single when you don't know when to shut the 'f' up?
OK I'm bored with this now, I'm of to read 'Hello'. Au revoir.
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Is slph being serious JC?? I have just missed 2 weeks and things seem quite firey round here!!
Isn't this the time of 'Christmas spirit' generosity to all?? Slph - it sounds more like you're the bitter one and I can say hand on heart JC is not a psycho - she's so turned on it makes me look like a fuse has blown!!
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Well said Lammasita. Merry Christmas.
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And a very happy Christmas to you too Vulvic!!
It would be nice to have a Christmas tost with all non psycho's here on AX... what do you think? Anytime before Christmas day??? Parties are definitely starting to happen now....
We should get JC on the case, she creates great nights out...
lol xxx
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I agree! A Christmas party is in order.
JC?
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Yes, yes and more yes's!!
I need to get out here again - it feels like I have wallowed on my island of paradise for too long and the scene in England is so much fun - I want to see it again here in Honkers too!
Either day for me is good as I've been a part pooper twice already... if I fail this time you can all wash your hands of me!! xxx
Thanks JC :)
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And I love Margeuritas!!! Yum yum....
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Thursday!! It is closer to the weekend and I only have a half day on Friday. So my choice would be Thursday. Haven't been to Coyote in ages.
I know this will sound naff but can I bring my Dad? He's fun, I promise.
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Thursday it is! Looking forward to seeing a face to the wise words I read...
Have a great weekend!!
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ahhh ...wish i was there! Happy Christmas to all you brilliant people.
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Wise words???? More like wiseass, lol!!!
Dorris - hope all is well in Leeds. Founds any decent clubs to go to this weekend?
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spice
19 yrs ago
Zelda - Thanks. I have replied separately. I think this thread has lost the plot. JC - thanks for your last reply. Made a lot of sense and you seem like a really nice guy. I will try not to be so down on myself. :-)
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Ummm, I think the Christmas drinks thread has just vanished.
Either that or I am losing my marbles.
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