My husband has endless entertainment, almost up to 6 nights a week, claimed they are visitors/customers. Most of the time, they will end up at a KTV with hostesses and he will be home drunk or dead drunk reeking of alcohol and cigarette smoke wee hours in the morning (after 3 am).
I tried desperately to understand that this is business and part of the job requirements in China. However, no one I know entertains at this rate. He swears it is just part of the job and he is not having an affair.
Help!!! Does anyone have the same experience? Please help me understand this business. This is driving me crazy... I am thinking of returning home all the time, but this only leaves him the opportunity of having an affair since he is in the company of KTV hostesses every night. I am also tempted to party every night, but can't bear to leave my 2 young children at home with a babysitter.
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Where are you when he is out??
Does he have any energy left on the 7th night??
Sounds a bit suspect to me...
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I am at home looking after my children every night.
Surprisingly, yes he does have energy after catching up on his sleep.
I am suspicious too... have fought over this with him few times. He has assured me that this is only business and he values us (family) most. Have secretly been checking his mobile phone and SMS, nothing suspicious. I suspect he just wants to be with out the guys, but 6 nights a week????? Any suggestions?
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Lonely - Is he Chinese? What's his line of duty?
What kind of people does he do entertainment with?
Gambling involved?
Yes, I know those Chinese blokes, but they are single because they can't offer any security to another half.
It's a whole gang, but they mostly excuse themselves that it's "team spirit", "politics" and "to maintain business relationship".
"Work Hard, Play Hard"....sigh...
I don't know.....sometimes I symphatise with them, because they're kind of sad with enormous income.
$$$ is not always equal with having it all. There is still a price to pay....
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Ha ha! Very funny Del Boy!!
You did appear a little harsh; talk about the picture being painted black!!
I have no idea why anyone would bother saying they cherished their family 'most' if they spend 6/7's of their time away!!
He has to be feeding lonelyAH a line.....
LAH - could you manage to leave??
It takes guts and this is the ripe time to start afresh.
He is being incredibly selfish leaving you with the children all the time. When they grow up, they'll have few memories of him..... he hasn't thought of that one eh?
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Lonely;
You could try being flexible. If you're new to China, how about getting a maid to start. Then find some great girlfriends and start enjoying yourself. It may be that it's all so new, and it's a novelty. If your husband is not smsing any one, he may well just be being a lad. A lot of men like to look but not buy. It sounds like you need to find a way to enjoy your new town yourself and make it work for you!
I worked in a bar in Tokyo over a few years and never slept with a customer! (I did however sleep with a student at the English school I also worked in). It was rare to hear of any of the girls doing it too.
But tell that to any of the people who had never been there. KTVs and Ashrams, they're all the same, everyone's having sex all the time! I don't think so!
You're hubby, like most men, enjoys female (plural)company, and who wouldn't enjoy ten females fluttering their fake eyelashes at you and pretending they're having a great time?
He's normal! When he starts wanting to 'save' them, then be worried!
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evohe
19 yrs ago
This is unfortunatly expected in China. If you are the customer you can of course refuse.
But it looks to me this is happening too often.
It is normal you get upset. If nothing happens, I would still be concerned about his physical and mental health if I were you.
What is his nationality. He can play on cultural difference if he wants to.
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Most of us in Asia have to entertain as part of our job but this is excessive.
Time to have a serious talk about the situation and what appears to be a potential drink problem.
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Had multiple talks with him. It's either quit or bear with it. If he does quit, there possibly is not any available jobs back home in S'pore. He said its the business culture in China and has assured that its purely "see no touch". Anyway, the Asian "customers/visitors" are cold-blooded and will want him there even tho he is sick, travelling the next morning, regardless of whatever reason. Sometimes I wish they'll get liver cancer from all the drinking and lung cancer from all the smoking. Mmm... I realise that this means my husband may get it too.....
Have considered getting a job too, but my babies cried when they found out that I wanted to go back to work and leave them with a maid... Broke my heart. Partying with girlfriends is also not a long-term solution cos I cant do it all the time like him. I'll feel terribly guilty leaving my children with a babysitter at home.
Guess my option is either to wait till my children are older, when they will understand and we can then move home (at least another 10 yrs of suffering in silence!) or bring them home and deprived them of their father even if he sees them for 1 day a week. This also gives the other girls opportunities.... Fully aware about the part about the girls cos he will tell me when I ask. But I dont want to know the details cos I'll feel like bashing his head to the wall.
Anyone with similar experience? What do yo do to keep your sanity?
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Lonely, it's going to be a war and might lead to self-destruction.
I wouldn't torture myself if I were you, but think again, please.
Ezekiel - I only presumed that he was Chinese because of Asians'K hobby. You dont have to fire at me like that.
Men are men, I know them very well.
Perhaps you should READ first before you respond. Difficult, huh?
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It sounds like your hubbie is a lot more honest than a lot of partners around here are being, that's why these everyone's so jaded! So celebrate! He's honest and he does have to do it for his job in China. He's honest, I'd be celebrating if I were you!
Go out with girlfriends for coffee and tarot card get togethers and tupperware parties at each others' places. Have fun! You can relax now, as you know he's honest.
Have fun!
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evohe
19 yrs ago
Hmmm,
1 - For drinking, there are know technics : spliting the shots in the rice bowl or the beer bottle.
2 - For smoking simply lighting the cigarette but not smoking it or not inhaling ...
Maybe he does not know those techniques, or maybe he enjoys ruining his health.
I am sorry to hear that, because you seem much more aware of your responsability as a parent than he is. This is a very destructive slop as you are describing it.
I don't think he is honest about it. My personal experience tells that he likes it in fact. My boss pushes also for such "entertainment" when he visits our suppliers, in the name of business connexions ... he gave our company a bad reputation and much more senior business men do without it. You can sell in China without going to "karaoke", I have countless succesfull exemples. True that those business men are not chinese, so maybe they are not expected to adopt this business attitude.
I know it sounds very harsh, but can't you go back to S'pore and work there on your own, your parents could help to take care of the kids. It is a much more healthy environment for your kids and for your health. Maintain the link, visit him sometime or he visits you and put a limit in time for his stay in Shanghai. If you can't prevent him from doing it, at least you can preserve your children. And it should be better for there education right ? You can simply tell him that you are suffering to see him ruining his health, and that this is not a good environment for his children that they see him drunk and stinking all the time.
An alternative would be that, since he has to work until so late to entertain the customer, then he can spend more time in the morning with his family. But really if he is a big boy he should be able to come back home without being drunk ...
My 2 cents
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Ezekiel - I do not need your judgement on me and you should be more constructive in advising our main character instead of judging somebody who's only trying to help, although my question was not an open one.
Besides, I was fairly close to the answer...they do come from S'pore, yet his Asian background does play a role to survive in his line of duty as he mentioned to her.
Maybe, you need chill out a little.
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Ezekiel - The questions were not for you, anyway.
"Those" is not equal to "All". Just to clear up the sky.
Lonely - As a newcomer into town, I can imagine that he needs to socialise with clients, suboordinates and superiors in order to get on track with the business and the company, but not on long term!!!
Apart from the evenings does he have to go out weekends and daytime?
The socializing part does not only have to occupy the evenings, see? How about Golftrips and visits to other co's etc?
You have the absolute right to be suspicious!
Perhaps hiring another single male assistant for diminishing his daily workload and evening PR exercises could be a solution?
Ofcourse it depends on his line of duty and the nature of his co/firm.
I hope that you can keep this family man within the family as much as possible, although his repsonsibility is feeding the family.....Be nice by standing tall that you need him.
Cheers,
My ex is in I-banking and although we never married at the end, I kind of had to bear with his PR and visits worldwide because of his importancy in the firm. How and why we broke up had a little to do with his travel pattern, but I do understand the frustration of seeing him like a drag and worrying about your future.
If there's little you can do at present I would suggest you to keep yourself busy by making your life more easier, but if you CAN perhaps you should put a little more effort by keeping him HOME.
Yeah...to HOMERUN! ;)
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There is a lot of entertainment that one is required to do in China. Even though I am a female, I am dragged to drinking with the client as well. It is one of the working cultures in China, unfortunately. However, six days in a week is too excessive. You should ask him to balance out.
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There is a lot of entertainment that one is required to do in China. Even though I am a female, I am dragged to drinking with the client as well. It is one of the working cultures in China, unfortunately. However, six days in a week is too excessive. You should ask him to balance out.
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as i said in another thread, every woman should have walking-away money. if you don't like the sound of that, replace it with "insurance" "a separate account" "a job" or the more generic "financial security".
nike gave the best advice here. listen to it. you can do it.
getting a job - ANY job, doesn't have to be glamorous or executive - might be the best thing for you. be a temp; work in a shop (hey at least you'll have discounts!); work out of your home (tutor, perhaps?). the kids will be fine - you will appreciate living in asia, where you can afford a nanny. (no, the kids will not to be ruined, will not be closer to the nanny, will not forget you etc.) you might make a whole new circle of friends, discover skills and talents and interests you never knew you had, and most importantly, gain independence and self-respect.
as a bonus you might also scare the bejesus out of your husband - this may be just the jolt he needs. BUT put him out of your mind for now and get moving.
best of luck to you, lonely_at_home.
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2 words for me "definitly suspecious"
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games
19 yrs ago
if you need to talk I can come to your home a day your husband go to a party.
Let me a message
sse you
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