Posted by
Aylyn
19 yrs ago
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sorry to hear the bad news, but here's the thing ... are you sure he won't have money to support himself? If he has been lying to you all this time, how does that make him a nice husband/father? To me, he's just a plain ol' liar, that's it. You need to bring this up to him, and force him to decide. Otherwise, he will assume you don't know and continue with his antics.
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Karl
19 yrs ago
I agree with DallasCowboys about the financial part, and the need to get it out in the open.
If you are *absolutely* sure that 1) he has no hidden assets, and 2) that he is cheating, you have one very powerful weapon, assuming he still loves you in perhaps a mellowed, 15-years-together sort of way. That weapon is JEALOUSY.
My advice -- as someone who began cheating on a loyal wife after just three years of marriage (sex became very routine and dull), was eventually caught, and finally evolved a great "open marriage" with occasional 3somes and 4somes -- is this:
TAKE A LOVER, AND TELL HIM YOU ARE GOING TO!
This will get rid of the terrible feeling of being wounded, the innocent victim, from your mind, and at the same time give you some self-confidence. It will also bring the issue bang out into the light, and the two of you can then sort out how you are going to deal with it.
No doubt some will advise you to play the hurt, innocent victim, but I would strongly advise against it. Going for pity will get you nowhere. If he can't bear the thought of his wife sleeping with someone else, he might renew his vow of faithfulness. More likely, he will opt for the new-found freedom within marriage, but after a while that will wear off.
Whatever you decide, good luck, and keep your chin up!
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Aylyn, sorry to hear this has happened. right now though you are extremely emotional, so the first thing to do is CALM DOWN before you say or do anything you might regret. realize that cheating and infidelity are quite common in most relationships. it is NOT the end of the world, and you are not alone. you WILL come out the other side of this one way or another, and you WILL be able to control the outcome if you stay calm and thoroughly research all your options.
as for the advice and suggestions you will receive here in this thread, do only that for now - just READ but do not act. you will receive all sorts of points of view, but you are in no condition to act on any of them at the moment. the most i would suggest for today is to get on with your day as best you can, and perhaps confide in one close friend or relative who knows both of you. you obviously have a lot which you value - husband, children, financial security - and you stand to lose much if you make any hasty decisions.
stay CALM, get though your day, confide in one close friend. also, start looking for a good lawyer - NOT necessarily to prepare for a divorce, but just to be prepared in general and to get your affairs in order. everyone should have one in any case.
(sorry, must run, i'll be back)
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Aylyn - I am sorry to hear what happened to you. My personal opinion is, rather you think about how to get you hubby back, perhaps, this is also a time for you to re consider if you want to stay in this marriage. A lot of marriages wane down after some years, it's likely why your hubby strays, the good news is, most guys would choose to stay with their wives especially when they have kids. Therefore, I don't think you need to worry about him leaving you, it's more important for you to identify what you want. A lot of women tend to lose themselves and forget who they are, what they want in life etc, after being married for years. chances are, your hubby would stray again but learn to hide better (i hate to break this to you, but be prepared), the kids, finance would of course be issues, but the hubby can never run away from these responsbilites and what doesn't kill you would only make you a much stronger person. Think about what you want, if you want to stay in this marriage with a disloyal hubby and hold on to a man who would not be truly happy being restrained with all his desires. If you don't care and all you want is financail security and having a hubby / father for your kids, then you probably have to live with all these cxxps. If you do care, then put your happiness first, your kids would only be brought up properly if the parents are happy whether they are together or not. Make sure you will do something to relax yourself for the next few days, do some sports or exercise, anything.
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shaq
19 yrs ago
Aylyn >> Me too; I share your pain and frustration. From your message I can sense that your husband cheating behaviour is pretty a new development in your long relationship. I can also see that you 'love/like' him and wouldn't just leave him (with respects to one reason or the other).
If what I sense are true, why don't you sit your husband down and find out the root cause of this sudden change in his behaviour? Not just talk, but a deep-searching conversation. I believe that'll help and make your husband (re)realize how much you care to maintain/keep your family.
For all you know, this lady he's cheating with is paying for IT, and your husband is falling for IT because of the financial problems you mentioned. Please, have a heart and confront him with love backed by tact. You'll come out of this difficult situation successfully and you'll see that unfortunate situations, like yours, come to make us better (wives/husbands), NOT bitter. Good luck, my dear!!
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the Bear - 100% agree with you, I really do feel women nowadays should stop using financial excuses to stay in a loveless marriage or relationship.
Aylyn, sorry if it sounds harsh, but pls be strong
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rats
19 yrs ago
The Bear and Space-dust, rationally I agree with you two, but please look at Aylyn's case- it is more than financial reason, it seems she till care and love her husband. So probably she is seeking for solutions so that she can get back her husband.
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Rats - I always believe you have to love yourself before you learn to love someone else. If she loves her hubby so much and having other women will make him happier, does it mean she should put up with it?? sorry i don't think so.... as i said I feel she should think about how she can make herself happy by identifying what she wants in life or in a relationship instead of how to win back the hubby..
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rats
19 yrs ago
space-dust, forgiving a cheating husband is not loving oneself?
Maybe what Aylyn wants in her life is having her hubby back and her family (with 2 kids) is whole again? We probably should wait her feedback before we further comment on it :)
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shaq
19 yrs ago
Pumpkin >> Couples counselling?; Maybe, if they can afford it.
From Aylyn's message, it seems to me they're having financial difficulties, hence counselling becomes a luxury.
Btw, I guess she is having councilling right here on AX :P.
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couselling first befor you decide to flush 15 years away on the advice on AX posters
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Justin credulous - I have to say as many posts as above, yours are probably most viable and to the best interests of Aylyn.
Aylyn, all the best!
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lulu
19 yrs ago
I just want to stay AX is just a forum for you to share your saddness, do not listen to the people here. Consult a professional and ask yourself, and be honest.
If you want to leave the marriage, leave him. If you still love him, find a way to survive and talk to him.
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Aylyn
19 yrs ago
Thank you all for your support
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Aylyn - pls don't think about it too much, try to relax, is it possible for you to have a few hours off, maybe go out and talk to a friend or so... anything we can help here? pls let us know
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Hi Alyln,
Your story was my story 6 weeks ago.
I totally understand how you feel, it hurts like hell.
I was in a state of shock initially just as you are now.
However, 6 weeks down the line I am just plain angry.
I am going to stay with him and do my very best to make this work. He made one stupid mistake that has been the biggest wake up call of our life.
I am positive most of the time and refuse to be the poor me victim.
I am going for counselling this afternoon actually, as this is the first time I have felt strong enough to seek help with the issue I cannot resolve myself.
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lulu
19 yrs ago
JC> you do not need to lecture me cos it is a forum to express yourself. Poster do not need to listen if they do not want to, and i think a lot of the poster advises are really "not sincere" as well but somehow it is a free forum.
I do not need your lecture and i am pretty happy myself. You have all the freedom to say what you want but dun critise my life, just like i do not critise yours cos i dunno you at all.
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rats
19 yrs ago
Aylyn,
'Marriage , friendship and sex were great till last night…' <- it means you were satisfied with you marriage till you have found out your hunsband cheating…
‘If I kick him he’ll have to go somewhere I don’t care but I don’t….’
<-it indicates you hate him so much now you don’t give a damn about him but you are worrying about your own financial situation…
well, don’t you think you are contradicting yourself? If everything was 'that' great, how come the so-called great relationship is now so fragile and cannot tolerate the mistake/fault done by your husband?
I am not trying to justify his wrong deed. He is definitaly at the wrong side. But if everything was that great and you still love him, (provided that he still loves you as well), it is worth it to give a chance to this marriage.
Probably you still love your husband and want this marriage work but are going through your sad/angry stage as you get deeply hurt. Take some rest (as you haven’t rested for a long time), calm yourself before making any decision.
You are the only one who can tell how much you still love and need your husband, after clearing that up, you are ready to make your decision.
Btw, how was the sex after you found out he start cheating? Are you 100% sure he is really having an affair? Can it be just misunderstandings?
Anyway, if he still has sex with you and called to check his own child’s situation when you were in the hospital. The situation shouldn’t be that bad. He still cares about the family and you.
Talk to him, tell him you love him and if he still loves you and the kids, stop what he is doing now and you cannot bear him having any affair again - he will lose EVERYTHING (you, the kids, the home and the money).
About the trust issue, of course you can’t just pretend he has never cheated, but try to not to ‘remind’ yourself about it all the time and let it haunt your life. Remember it is all ‘history’ and you are living at the present. Choose to Trust him, for it is the base of any successful relationships. As times goes by, his caring and love will assure your trust.
Good luck!
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Aylyn
19 yrs ago
Thanks all for the support.
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Aylyn, I am happy to know you had a chat with your hubby at least you got it out of your system. I really don't think you need to make any decision and feel you should take a bit time off to relax, go on a holiday with your girlfriends or even just a night out. You don't need to think whether you should stay with you hubby yet, let him convince you over time.
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lulu
19 yrs ago
ueberandout> please read the threads carefully before you critise others. I am not being dumped, actually i dumped others. Anyway, now someone will say i dumped guys lead to be alone for all my life...never win! hahahah!
I never critise any of the posters here cos all of us have their own opinion. I never analyse how JC view her life and i do not study carefully every thread she wrote! I think you guys got too much time!
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Lulu, your posts don't require careful study - you repeat yourself over and over again.
It's true that you are entitled to your opinion, but it's also true that we are entitled to request you to stop playing the same broken record.
Just for your information, not all men are crap and not all men cheat.
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lulu
19 yrs ago
Geez, i am not saying all men are cheaters and crap! I dun mind my ex cheat too cos i felt relief to leave him!! well please do not hi jack the thread again cos i am sick of you women trying to critise poster giving opinion and i am not posting a thread, gimme a break! gosh, wonder why so men scare of women now!
Please give your opinion to Aylyn, not ME!
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smoky
19 yrs ago
just a passing thought...it is an interesting possibility that Aylyn's hubby is reading through this thread too..this could get weird
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rats
19 yrs ago
smoky, how so? It is not weird at all. It is even better if he did read all the threads here.
Aylyn's hubby- if you are really readying all these, please stop the affair and take good care of your wife and kids :P It seems they really ove you and have gone through lots of hard time with you! :)
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evohe
19 yrs ago
Hmm the kids are also in the picture.
I presume that a lot of couples in the past have been facing the situation without splitting appart.
A lot of kids those days are raised in broken families, but a lot of us had the chance to be raised in a family with a mother and a father. I hope you can forgive and he will not repeat his mistake so that finally the wound is healed and your children do not also pay the price for his act.
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Once a cheater always a cheater. You know he lies, he will continue doing so. You lost trust. I doubt very seriously you will ever trust him again. I have been trying hard to trust my husband back for almost 3 years and it is not happening anytime at all. I do remind him of that as often as I get a chance. I went through the same and for the my child's sake got stuck with this bloody bastard, because all he has learned is to be much more careful so that I do not catch him again. he knows there will be no second chance. Bottom line is that my marriage is a time bomb and sooner or later I will do what I should have done when I found out: get him a one way ticket to hell. He already knows that if we at last split,he can consider me dead which is what I will do to him. I have been clear that he will be able to see his kid and talk to him. I will automaticaslly be out of the picture. It will never get better I can assure you. It is sad but true. Good news is that you stop loving him little by little. When his time is up, you won't feel it. it will be a relief.
Gook luck and get a job, you need no man (especially the one you got) to take care of your kids but lots of determination and hard work.
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Aylyn
19 yrs ago
Thank you all for the support
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lulu
19 yrs ago
Aylyn> sorry about what had happened, but glad to see that you have reach some decision on what you want. Do not think of anything like finishing your life as the kids need you to look after, sucide is a selfish behaviour, just like you husband did to you, you do not want to be a selfish person right? It is not worth doing to harm yourself for him right? why angry and sad with somebody's mistake?
Well leave them alone, talk to your husband and tell him what you would like to do with this relationship. Everything will be fine. Try not to think about it too much cos it is not worth to, hated somebody is a tough task so leave them and wish them luck.
Do not give up your life upon your other half. Start all over again, never too late. :)
Be strong and you have to know there are always people around may be even suffer more and you are not alone.
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Aylyn, pls check your inbox in the control panel. thanks
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rats
19 yrs ago
Aylyn, as I said if you two have each others and you once love this man so much to give up everything. Why can't you two overcome this crisis together? Or your love is so fragile and being totally trashed just becuase he cheated? (I know it is a big deal that he cheated, i said 'just' becuase love should be profound enough to give the marriage a 2nd chance, it is not he has been doing this during the years of marriage)
It is normal that you are hurt and he ruined the trust/faith you have in him. Take some rest and take you time to figure out what to you want exactly ONLY when you are calm. Don't make decision that you may regret.
Being cheated is horrible but it isn't that easy to find the one you love so much to go through all the 'miseralbe' life as you said all these years. You have been with him not becuase you have nothing left, but becuase of love, isn't it?
(I hope the answer is yes...)
It is true that you need no man just for the idea of it. But this man is someone you love, whom you start a family and have kids with, whom you two have those days supporting each other and gone through all the adversities....he is NOT just a 'man'.
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Aylyn
19 yrs ago
Thanks all for leting me vent.
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rats
19 yrs ago
Aylyn - sorry to hear that, I didn't know that he said he will do it again and still keep contacting her.
The only thing I can say is - take your time. Don't rush to decision and figure out what's next step by step (btw, have you got more rest at last??? it is important!)
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lulu
19 yrs ago
Aylyn> very sorry to hear that, but sh*t happens. What i can say is we need to be storng and get some rest and keep calm. Please keep us posted and you can write whatever you want to write or express, but not jumping to any conclusion and be positive to your life.
We do not know 100% of your story so better not make too much comment. If you really want someone to talk to, you can call the family support centre or even the samartians. They got english speaking service which they will listen and give you some feedback and help.
Hope you are ok.
Think you still got 2 lovely children.
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Aylyn
19 yrs ago
Yes JC you are right.
I will try to calm down a bit and get myself back togheter again.
Thanks for your support everyone, and special thanks to those who send me a message.
I truly appreciate it.
I will eventually contact you but only after I get in control of my feelings. I am too messed up right now and I really need some sleep and some food, sleeping 2 hours if that much and on tea everyday not going to take anywhere.
I lost control and I dont recognize myself. I know it will be hard for you to believe but I tent to be a very well organised, rational and calm person.
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You guys have to communicate. face the problem together if u think the marriage should continue.
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Aylyn
19 yrs ago
Thenks all once again!
I'll be back as soon as I know where I am going to.
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