Cheaters - The Discovery

I have the impression that only when you seek, you will find. How else does one discover if a partner has cheated?


The 1st guy I'd ever consented to start a relationship with had a one-night stand. I've only had 2 relationships with guys to date (the current one still ongoing) because I've feared for a long time, it is apparently in their nature to cheat.


I discovered the 1st one cheated by checking his correspondences. I am well-aware this is an invasion of privacy and as much as a person hates that, I feel mutually about being lied to.


I want to have more trust in this man I'm with so I have been trying to give him the benefit of doubt and I'm succeeding so far.


I'm just curious as to the various situations in which women have chanced upon their men cheating on them and the ratio of this to actually having checked up on him.

1 - Your post implies you do not trust your current boyfriend. Trust is part of the relashionship. If you don't trust him, get out of it. Starting a relashion assuming that the guy will cheat on you is killing it from the begining.

2 - Your lack of trust is based on your experience : one guy. Can't you give other men more chances before generalizing, which by the way is still a mistake.


Anyway, why ranting, you will probably check his email, SMS, get jealous because his eyes crosses the ones of another girl in the street .. and then wake up one day wondering why his dumps you : simply because you dont show trust, you push him to cheat, simply because you invade his private space, you push him away.


Learn this now, or wake up 10 years after wondering why your relashionship are always ... a disaster.


BTW : jealous ppl are potential cheater : it is because they don't trust themselves and reflect there lack of confidence to their partner.

Your analysis is quite quite accurate on most points.


I got into both relationships believing I could trust both guys. Because that's the major reason why I'd even bother. But some things have happened along the way that contradict the principles that we'd initially had an understanding.


My incredible lack of trust is not based solely on my experience with that 1st bf; which is the reason I've only had 2 in my life. It's the stories I've read, the life I've lead, the family, the relatives, the friends, the colleagues.


And this guy I'm with is wonderful in that he knows my background and he puts up with my need to satisfy my apparent neurosis.


And while I agree that jealous people are potential cheaters, I, do not cheat nor do I see the need to because I find men generally unappealing for the fact that they are easily "shared", and I'd personally prefer to remain exclusive. Besides, if I wanted to cheat, I wouldn't bother. Might as well leave the current relationship and start another. Besides, there are disasters everywhere whether or not the girls are as paranoid as I am - the men still cheat (or at least that is the general consensus it seems).


On the contrary, while I have a really high sex drive, I'm a one-man woman. I can't imagine why guys can't do the same. It's about mental strength isn't it? Conditioning, psychosis, willpower?


Right, so anyway, ain't all about my personal life although I am trying to get my act together.


I've realised another thread has posted about the same subject but it offers little personal scenarios. Anyone...?

I have never cheated and as far as I know, I have never been cheated on...but then again,I never checked. I have to admit that the guy I am dating now, despite him being in Australia and me in Hong Kong, I trust with all my heart and soul. I could not survive an LDR without that.


For me, if I truly suspected that a partner was cheating, I admit, I would want to know so I could get out before I got too hurt or was made to look too foolish.

cheaters should go to hell!! Right? Happier this way?


Oh my god.I am tired of this....

I was cheated on once in my early 20s during my student times. The third person knew that my b/f was dating with me for over 3 years already but she still "attacked" my man by coming very late to his apartment and did not want to leave it, so my then b/f just could not help to resist the temptation. His family was rich and that was her target, not my b/f himself.


Anyway, I did not seek and therefore did not know until his country follows told me about his cheat. Those folks liked us both very much and they could not be silent anymore, that's why they decided to tell me the story.


I could not believe what I was told so I just talked seriuosly with my b/f about the issue. He was brave enough to admit his betrayal but he swore to me that he did not love her, the only one hoe loved was me. I knew he was telling the truth, so I gave him 1 month time to sort out his feelings and come up with his final decision as to stay with me or not.


1 month passed by so slowly and on the day 30th, I called him in and we talked again. He could not untie himself from the girl since they lived just next door. So I just let him free to be in hell with that devil, or I went away from that ill-will guy!


It was very painful since I could not understand why my b/f was so weak! But time together with his contry fellows cured my pain. After 8 months he came back to me and asked me to accept him again as he was able to dump the girl. But it was late and I did not allow that weak guy to to hurt me again.


I was reasonable enough even at that young age to understand why he left me for that girl and I did not take him as a bad guy. That's why we've stayed good friends ever since.


As for my current relationship, like tia, we're also in LDR and totally agree with her, TRUST is the pre-requisite for any relationship, especially the LDR one.

100% agree with Pumpkin:

Trust is everything. When there is no trust, just leave, instead of snooping. As one wise saying (from my culture) says, "if you dig into the eyes of a copse, you'll definitely see a ghost"; that is to say, you'll find something to indicate your partner is cheating (eventhough he/she may not be).


Trust is all that we need.... Peace :D.


SHAQ

Vertical rush :


You will read in the news paper that someone is dead, not a baby is born. What ppl talk about are always sad stories, not happy ones. Simply because happiness sounds boring.


Scenario 1 :

- I am in love with xxx she/he is so great, I am so happy

- yeah yeah yeah ....


Scenario 2

- I found my bf/gf in bed with another person last night

- You mean they were making love, naked, how did it look like ? You look horrible, come tell me more you will feel better....


Human nature right ? Voltaire is right ... anyway.


So basing your attitude upon what you hear or read, is in this area not recommendable.


Point nb 2 : It is about mental strength not to cheat. Depends with whom you are.

Heya zelda,

I think you've articulated my thoughts exactly. So I would gather then that when people say they discovered that clandestine affair, they've most likely been doing some degree of investigation.


It's a wonder how little respect comes with the claim of love.

Actually, verticlerush - I disagree with zelda to an extent(nothing personal, zelda).


You stated that your experience with your first boyfriend is not the only contributing factor to your lack of trust; you also commented on what you've read, the life you've lead, your family, friends, collegues, etc.


My perception is that with so much negativity around you regarding this issue, neurosis and a false belief is the likely culprit. So much so that it compels you to seek something to confirm that you WILL or ARE being cheated on.


What compounds my perception is your last statement "It's a wonder how little respect comes with the claim of love." I sense that you perhaps already HAVE a belief that your relationships will be wrecked by a cheating spouse.


My point being, my gut instinct has come through LOUD & CLEAR about another woman trying to seduce "my" man, because I KNOW full well how a woman can behave when she wants something. I have no hang ups about that. But because of what I've experienced in my life, what I've read and seen, sometimes I become very insecure about myself in terms of a relationship, and then it has not been so clear when it has come to my partner "straying." I have had many relationships, have been cheated on many a time, and in one out of the two most significant ones of my life, I had NO CLUE that he was betraying me - not only me, but the other woman as well!!!


On the other hand, in another not so significant relationship, I ALSO had no clue - until such OBVIOUS signs appeared that I could not possibly ignore (long, blonde hair in MY bed - my hair is dark!). Well, that - obviously - was that.


Now, I am with a man whose soul has truly touched mine. I am still afflicted with this neurosis that he will stray, but I have found that the more confident I am in myself in terms of the relationship, the less likely this will become a self-fulfilling prophesy.


I have found that what you fear is drawn to you, verticlerush.


I truly do not know what this relationship will entail, but I am finding that as long as I believe in myself - trust MYSELF - then there is no need to pry, as trust begets trust.


Should the unthinkable somehow occur, I would know from my heart that it was out of my control. His behaviour was just that - HIS...and the stronger and more confident I am about my worth, the better I will be at dealing with it.

well lotusinbloom> if all the women think like you, of course your boyfriend will cheat on you somehow. Not all women are fighters like you, not all "your" men are saint. Good luck to your strong invulnerable will.

Interesting reply, foxxy. Are you feeling misunderstood after receiving so many harsh responses on your thread Re: cheating? Is that where your sarcasm is coming from?


It appears that you have not read my post (whether this or the other) carefully. As you are either unable or unwilling to understand what I expressed, I can only guess that either A)your feelings of self-pity from all the harsh criticism you received is clouding your ability to comprehend; OR B)you are that hell-bent on projecting your anger to even care.


I think to say any more than I just have would only be unnecessary justification of my response.

I need to add one thing 'no-one pushes anyone to cheat'


we can all push people away by making them feel untrusted but only a cheat will cheat. if your parter is bugging you by always being on your case and accusing you of cheating then you get out of the relationship cos one way or another it isnt working for whatever reason. Either that your a crap partner cos you make them insecure or they are crap cos they just cant trust or the two of you together are crap....


the relationship is crap


But (and allow me to step down a little here) No-one can say 'she/he drove me to cheat'


Thats just a CHEATS BS!!!!