anyone have any advice?!

About two years ago my marriage was not pleasent. My husband treated me in a way that left me feeling used, rejected and sometimes hated. I eventually ended up cheating on him. I did not tell him until a year later. In the mean time he developed a relationship with a girl out of state which he claimed was pure friendship however there were many things that traspired that proved otherwise. there were even two times that he went and stayed at her place for a long weekend leaving me alone with our two young children. Eventually I felt like I had had enough with wondering if there was really something going on between them and I decided that I wanted him to choose between us. I did not want him to choose without knowing the truth about what i had done so i told him about cheating on him. He left me for three months to think about things. We continued talking in that time and he continued telling me that there was nothing between him and this girl. By my own means I found proof that this was not true. I felt like was just a pack of lies every time he told me that he still wanted to be with me because i knew that he was still not being honest with me about her. Nothing he said mattered to me unless he would come clean and admit that he was doing something wrong as well, even if he had not gone to the extent of sleeping with her. In the three months that he was gone I fooled around with another man. Did not sleep with him but did fool around. I told my husband this and right away everything that had gone on between him and this girl came out. Everything that I had suspected had really been happening. He claimed that they had never slpet together but there was a lot of other things that were not the way they should have been and almost every question i had ever asked him before I now found out were lies and coverups. Including a time that he spent a week end at her house when he told me that he had not even seen here that week.

When he came home from the three months away after my confession, he told me that he had slept with her while he was gone on this trip and that although he did it because he wanted to, he would not have had I not messed around with the second guy.

We are now trying to work things out. We have agreed that in order to get past this we need to forgive and forget, put it all behind us. However he will not give this girl up as a "friend". He says that nothing will ever happen between them again but that he will not give up a good friend basically for a marriage that he is unsure of working out.

I know for a fact that if I tell him now that he needs to choose between her and me that he will leave me. I love him but I afriad that I am just letting him get exactly what he always wanted. Should I just put up with it and hope that the friendship eventually fizzles?

I will be surprised that he would spend a weekend with this "friend", and just had pillow fights with her. I doubt even a 13 year old will believe that.


His claim of sleeping with her after you told him you slept with another man is just bullsh*t. He has been, is, and will continue to sleep with her.


To be fair however, you didn't do yourself much good by fooling around. If this is just a means of getting back, it's not going to help in the long run. Satisfaction? Perhaps, but it's just adding fuel to the fire.


All I can say is have counseling ASAP. This marriage isn't worth saving otherwise.

eaving: you really shouldn't have told your husband about this other guy, 'cos he is going to hold this against and use it as an excus to cheat on you for the rest of your life.


I admire you having such patient to stay with a guy who cheated and still cheating on you. Once a cheater, forever a cheater, may be this time the "friendship" will "fizzle", but can you be sure there wont' be an other "friendship" in the future? Will you be able to trust him again? Marriage without trust is not worth having and why torture yourself?

I do totally agree with 'Dallas'... counselling has to be your first place to go... and if, after a time you realise your feelings are not returning, then it really is time to leave... and this is when JC's advice is so pertinant... at that point you have to be strong enough to say "that's it, I've had enough, I'm going to make something for my kids and myself... "


I just wouldn't (personally) use JC's advice immediately... but then again, we're all different... and bearing in mind JC's true-isms about what she thinks of you, eaving, and your conduct, what do you think is your best way forward...?

Honestly I have no clue what my best way forward is anymore. I would like to get counseling however he does not and our financial situation is not the greatest so we wouldnt really be able to afford it.

we have been living together since he came back from his three month trip which was in dec. Although i thought we were trying to work on things just because he had said different times that he wanted to work things out, and because he seemed to be trying to treat me better. Then he left for a long weekend to his (guy) friends for the new years. we had a lot of arguments over that weekend because he just took off and didnt really let me know where he was going, he didnt show up sat. to watch his kids while i went to work, and just the fact that he was not there to spend the new year with his family. he said that he had just needed to clear his mind. I then found out that he had the girl there with him the whole weekend. when i confronted him about this he said that he told her that nothing more could happen between them because we were trying to work things out. however he also told me that he didnt see how it was any of my business what he did with his time because we had not come to a dicision yet on weather or not we were going to try working things out or not. that is a major contradiction isnt it?

Anyway with the way our finances are right now i am planning on sticking with it to see where it will go while we get some of our debts paid off. then in may, he already has a trip planed to go see her because she is graduating from colloge. he has said that he will take me with him but that i can not go to the graduation with him. i think that i will wait till that day comes and then tell him that unless he can take me in to that cerimony with him and let her know without a doubt that he has chosen to make me a part of his life, if he can not do it then that will be then end of it for me.

Eaving,


I truly sympathize with your situation, although I am aware that two parties have to contribute to any situation, positive or otherwise. I commend your choice to be honest with your husband - that takes courage.


I understand the confusing state of mind that you must be in at this time; However, without judging anyone, please let me put it this way: it is NOT your husband that has to make the decision, it is YOU.


If it were me, I would find his behaviour over New Year's weekend unaacceptable; you are correct when you state that it's a major contradiction - he says he wants to work things out, but then it's none of your business that you & your family were not a priority over the holidays. You also mentioned that he says he's not sure whether or not your marriage will work out. But eaving, YOU are choosing to accept this situation. It's not right or wrong, but you must see that it is YOU who is making the choice to put up with his dishonesty. If you can truly see that without denial, you will regain your clarity and be able to make a decision that is TRULY right for you & your children.


Basically, eaving, he's just as confused as you are - you both seem to be waiting for the other to make the committment to work things out. The only difference being that he has a steady "Plan B" on his end and you don't - NOT that I'm suggesting you get one. You can choose to be wiser about this for your own well-being, and that of your children.


If you have expressed your thoughts & feelings here, I would say you are actively looking for answers or clarity on what to do. Like I said earlier, it's NOT your husband that needs to decide, it's YOU. By asking him to choose, you are handing over the responsibility of YOURSELF, YOUR LIFE, YOUR HAPPINESS and the LIFE of YOUR CHILDREN to a man in whom you have very little trust in. You are handing him YOUR POWER on a plate.


Although I understand your concerns over finance, eaving - I get the sense that you are simply justifying your need to stay so that you can avoid having to make a decision that you already know deep down inside that you know you must make. Do you REALLY need to wait until HE makes the decision on whether or not he wants you to accompany him to this "friend's" graduation? If you are unwilling or unable to make a decision for yourself & your children, (thereby giving him your power) then I can almost acertain what will be next...he will disappear on that trip without you. Ask yourself - how will that make you feel? Hurt? Helpless? Well, yes, but only because you didn't keep your power for yourself.


In a nutshell: girl, get OUT. Give YOURSELF some time to see if YOU can forgive him, YOURSELF, and whether or not you REALLY want this relationship. "I love him" needs to translate into "I respect myself, my partner, and our relationship."


YOU need time to sort that out - to take care of YOU. Let him take care of his own business, if he chooses to.


If you are sure after this time that this relationship is TRULY what is best for you & your children, then set your boundaries. If HE truly wants to be with you, then he himself will understand that there is NO ROOM in your relationship for his "friend".


You're in my thoughts & prayers, eaving...


P.S.: An afterthought...I am the only child of a couple who believed it was better to stay together "for the sake of the children." They eventually divorced when I was 16, although they couldn't stand each other from the time I was 2. I know what I've been through - it was very difficult for me & I spent most of my teens & twenty's hating them for having put me through a very painful, tumultuous childhood. I also took much of this baggage into my relationships with men, thereby creating more pain & heartache and more resentment towards my parents.


That is all behind me now. I love my parents and can see that they did the best they could with whatever emotional tools they had. I am also learning how to be a "grown-up" now, how to be responsible for MYSELF and to appreciate how powerful I really am. I only hope to impart this to my children, whatever my relationship status may be at that time.


God CREATED us in His likeness...He is the Ultimate Creator and so TOO are we.