Posted by
blaze
19 yrs ago
Ever made plans to go out with friends only to have them cancel on you at the last minute with the silliest excuses? Or do a total no show? How many chances do you give these people before you stop going out with them ever again?
My experiences:
(1) Met Girl A at some class. (I'm also a girl)We had lunch after one day, in which I told her that I was going to meet some friends for dinner and drinks later. Then I go home to get changed for the appointment. Just as I am about to leave my house, I get a phone call from Girl A who asked if she could join my friends and I. I was a little surprised of course, because none of my friends knew her and I didn't know whether it would be ok. Nevermind, I figured that my friends are nice people and wouldn't mind. So I told Girl A ok and she said she'd join us at 9pm for drinks. At 9pm, I didn't see her, so I messaged her. No reply. I met her in class the next week. No explanation or apology either. She just pretended nothing happened even though she invited herself to our gathering and didn't have the courtesy to inform me she wasn't coming.
(2) I knew Girl B from some activity. We went out for coffee and shopping one day. She told me all about her boyfriend problems. Apparently he went off on holiday to see an ex girlfriend and broke it off with her when he returned so he could be with the former. But he continued to see her and be intimate with her. So being really depressed, she asked me out for drinks the next Friday. I dropped her an email the following Monday to ask her where she wanted to go and suggested some places. Guess when she replied? The same Friday we were supposed to go out on, at 10:30pm at night. This girl invited me out and she didn't even bother to spend one minute to inform me she couldn't go. The best part? She invited me out again in that same email. The weekend is out of course, because she made sudden plans to go to Perth the next weekend and had to stay at home the whole time to plan for it (guess who she's spending time with?). Then the killer- she asked me out again the next week for drinks on a weekday. So that she can treat me like a time-filler and cancel on me again when her on-off boyfriend so much as snap his fingers? Is she out of her mind?
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Really poor manners.
It is worse when you have known people for 5 or more years, and you thought they were genuine, and they turn out to emulate the falseness of the HK when they move here. That is really nice. A far worse crime in my book.
If I say, I will call, or I will meet you, I do. Sometimes I may be late, but usually I will call to explain. If I cannot show, it would only be because a group of people are meeting, but one on one etc. I will always be there, on time. I am not flaky, unlike the general population here.
I was friends, I thought, with a certain guy (not a sexual relationship), but when I moved to HK, he was dreadful, marginalised me, said bad and untrue things about me (it was dreadful to even think that someone could be this dreadfully nasty) to all his so called friends (found out later most of them think he is full of it) and realised that he was only good to me in previous times when he thought I was of value to him, and after that he treated me how he saw fit, which was really horrible. Not only that I was going through a hard time, and it was really dreadful, but I see clearly now, and my life is going smoothly.
In fact the only time when he actually wanted to see me is when a friend flew in on business, and he thought he could network with her through me, and she just said when I told her "he is a creep and defintely not your friend - steer clear of false people like that!"
Needless to say before he left HK his boyfriend came crying to me about what a deceitful liar he was, and about how he had run off from Australia owing thousands upon thousands in credit card debt. He has since moved back to Australia, and cannot get a loan, even get a new credit card, nor even borrow for a house.
And all the other stuff that I eventually got to know about him - which was even worse. It just turns out he is one evil, and insecure character that I hope I never have the misfortune to meet again in my life.
You make the bed you lie in!
But false people who live in HK are a dime a dozen. Steer clear of them.
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Blaze,
Both situations you described are really no reflection on you at all; you were kind enough to include Girl A in your plans when they did not involve her; and kind enough to sympathize with Girl B... and yes, considering the situation Girl B is putting up with, she really is out of her mind, so I would suggest that you do your best to not take it personally.
There are people who can be flaky, especially when they are obsessed, depressed, or not mature enough to be considerate and value another's time.
It's not personal, blaze. You know the warning signs now, and you could chose to be much more discriminating with who you spend your time with now...silver lining in the grey cloud, perhaps?! ;)
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HI Blaze, I understand your situation-it sucks. When I first came to Singapore- I was looking for some female friends (I'm female). So I wasn't that discrimating to whom I agreed to socialize with (girls). The same happened to me 2 times, then I wisened up.
The girls you described are probably in need of part time companionship.Convinient, no strings attached and disposable. I wouldn't waste my time on them.
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They're called flakes. Unfortunately far too common everywhere.
Solution is simple. Say you can't go when they invite you. When you are "expecting" them, just expect them not to show up. Don't wait for them, if you get make a reservation go ahead and ask for an additional spot. If you need tickets to an event, tell them that the show is "sold out". That's what all the "friends" of flakes do to them. Why do you think they are calling you? It's because all their other "friends" are blowing THEM off. Time for you to do the same.
You reap what you sow. I imagine that you would not mind if they stop considering you their "friend".
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blaze
19 yrs ago
Thanks all for your comments and input.
flabbergasted> what a user that guy is! Thankfully others know exactly what kind of person he is. If he ever makes it back to Hong Kong, I'd imagine the Expat circle would be closed to him given how small it is and how everyone knows everyone else.
lotusinbloom> No, I don't take them as a reflection of myself. Just feel that I'm cursed with bad luck because I keep running into such types when I try to make new friends. Sometimes I feel that my social life is stuck in this way.
oyster> I agree with your assessment of these women. Some of the girls don't have many female friends of their own, because they treat them like time-fillers in between boyfriends. I hope they learn their lesson one day.
Scutdog> Yeah, I turned down all invitations from these women afterwards, and have started ignoring their emails and text messages to me. Unfortunately, one or two still don't get it and sometimes call me for last-min plans. Which I gleefully reject :D Time for them to learn their lesson!
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I actually have a rule by which I label people in this way... there are Friends, acquaintances and others... Friends are the people who you see regularly and care about what's happening in your life, acquantances are the people who turn up to drinks (sometimes) and are usually more interested in networking than whether (for example) your flat move went well... and the others, well they just try to get invited and don't often get the time of day...!
In Hong Kong there are too many acquaintances... I once realised that I was just overburdoned with them, so I stopped going out for a month... I just stayed home and waited to see who called and even more pertinant, who was calling still after a month...
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these flakes are the ones who will never to one single thing in their life. I must say they will die alone~.
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rats
19 yrs ago
It is the worst when your friends changed and turned to be nasty and fake. I lost two friends (one male and one female)last year, both were considered as my good friends and we used to cheer each other up at bad times. They used to tell their secrets to me and cared about my life but it is all history...don't want to be cynical but start to think they were just 'courious' about my life back then and now I am of no use...as they are doing great in their career and love life and think I am no longer their match in every aspect?? :(
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DallasCowboys – Are you saying these people can't change?? It seems sad to think that they will continue without learning any lesson from it.
I musy say that recently I am taking time out. It was my birthday over Chinese New Year; I had planned to spend it quietly...
Well this friend arranged for me to go to theirs for dinner with a couple of people who I hardly know. There was no way they were going to take no for an answer. I have to admit to doing the worst thing I have ever done; I just didn't go. I was at another friends and had had a few vodkas, got back home in time to go out and allowed myslef to fall asleep in a semi-drunken stupor; all night!! I didn't even sms... I feel rotten with what happened. I cannot believe people can do this on a regular basis and then face themselves in the mirror each morning!! I have never done that before and don't really want to have to experience those feelings again. I wasn't brave enough to ring them and say I wasn't coming because I knew 'no' was not an option. I don't think this makes me a flake, although I feel flaky with it right now...
It must be circumstances that drive some people to do what they have done. Maybe they don't feel worthy of the others friendships and so sort of self destruct by making it impossible to rely on them for anything. I am sure this is what my 'friend' is thinking...
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Lammasita,
I am sure you are not a flake, as flakey people would never feel guilt.
I am sure flakey people are actually very insecure people. This guy I knew, as talked about above, (well, still know I guess but want nothing to do with him for the rest of my natural life) actually had the audacity to say to me after all the horrible things he said and did "Our friendship is stronger than that, isn't it?" I just look at him and said "Do you think so?"....
I mean really, you can do anything to a person, and then claim you have a friendship, and in the name of friendship....I mean what was he doing in the name of friendship before I pulled him up. I am damn well sure he never felt the misgivings of guilt....in fact he did all those things to feel better about himself.
It was your birthday Lammasita, and you do what you want with it. It wasn't like you rejected them, and went to something better....best you stay at home anyway when you don't want to really go somewhere, than going half drunk. I made the mistake of doing that once. While I did not regret telling the woman what I thought (as every thought the same thing), I did regret getting there as full as a boot and making a fool of myself in more ways than one.
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A friend wrote about this on my blog recently... here's the link:
http://sailinghome.blogspirit.com/archive/2006/01/01/greyness.html
I think it just underlines exactly what is meant by a friend as opposed to an acquaintance...!
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That's towards the end of a stag night actually..!!.. the stag was made to wear waders, which we filled with beer as the night went on... and at that point he decided to try to empty them by flipping over the railings... and obviously ending up landing in the road...!... unbelievably we weren't actually THAT drunk...
it really does look bad in the photo though... and it wasn't long after that that we met up with the girls from the hen night and everything calmed down nicely...!
JC: so do you agree with the blog post...??
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I realize I didn't proofread my earlier response. The first sentence should read, "these flakes will never accomplish one single in their life."
And yes, they won't change.
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So much to read!... and take in!!
I enjoyed the blog... and I agree! People should be less afraid to speak out and say what they really think. End 'greyness' today!!
This makes a great New Years resolution!! I also like the idea of casting off the shackles of acquaintances and spending the extra time with those I really do want to be with!! Thank you for making me feel better flabbergasted and helping me see reason...
DallasC's - I still hold hope that people will change if they want to... what else are second chances for??
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Would love to!
Am having a 'Lost' session early Saturday night followed by drinks (not many), willing to join for the alcohol part??
As for the smoking... (cough cough) I broke that resolution; I have no willpower where nicotine is concerned. I also have enough on my plate without that extra pressure, so am simply enjoying it when I go out!!
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Antime, anywhere, anyplace...!
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Not splutter in indignation... just rather surprised you would have a go at me, when all we were doing was trying to organise a night out!
I don't even know you!
You aren't even single!!
So why bother saying anything at all!!!
Dear oh dear! WTF??!!
Feel I just have to add to those 'visual' people out there, that I'm not a chimney stack!!
Thanks RDR for likening me to a tall, lanky edifice that sits on top of houses, but I don't relate on any tack... I only smoke when I'm out drinking and I'm afraid of heights!!
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