Posted by
mrs o
18 yrs ago
I dont get it. Husband and I (together for six and a half years - one preschooler - expats for about five years). He has never really been into me since we've been in HK. Is it because I could be boring to him because Im not a member of the workforce anymore? We moved for his work and now Im a mum. He hasnt got "yellow fever". He has seemed flat and distant and angry since our move. I think he feels stuck.
Anyway, here's the latest - he wants out. Says he loves me and this is the most difficult thing (decision) he has ever done but he reckons its easier without me. We argue frequently but he is the cause and 'causer'. He hugged me today because I asked for it. He may as well have been hugging the fridge. No emotion and there hasnt been for ages. Sex about once or twice in TWO years and not thru lack of trying on my behalf.
No, Im not deluding myself - there is no one else. So whats going on? Any clues? He says he loves me but doesnt want to work it out. He likes being alone and to quote his good self "doesnt want responsibility or having to answer to anyone". Shame he/I found out the 'hard' way. Perhaps he's not that into me? Perhaps he never was.
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SORRY TO READ THIS.YOU ONLY MADE LOVE TWICE IN TWO YEARS.DON'T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD HAVE SOME PLEASURE IN YOUR LIVE?SOME FUN?SOME FEELINGS?TRYING NEW THINGS? GO!!! DO IT! LIVE IS SHORT,SOON IT'S OVER AND WHAT HAVE YOU HAD? WHAT DID HE HAVE? WHY DO YOU CARE ABOUT HIM IF HE DONT CARE ABOUT YOU?
GO BABY GO
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mrs o
18 yrs ago
Thanks for the prompt replies freedom and pink tulip. You are both right. Today I tried to "reconnect" with myself. Listened to some great mood music and thought of the sex I used to have. I actually like my old self and have really shrivelled up being in a relationship with someone who isnt that into you. Selling myself really short here. Always good to have others opinions to drum it in. Thanks again. I am 37, reasonably articulate and intelligent and have a reasonable amount of male attention. May I flatter myself and say "I just dont get it". He always appears to sabotage his relationship with me. The worst always comes after i think it's been going well - like he's not happy with things going swimmingly. He says he has to try too hard to keep things going well. Not that into me?
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mrs o
18 yrs ago
Oh and BTW- he's always the one running back ONLY when I have rebuilt myself (as I have done time and time again in this relationship) and looking and feeling really well again. I am not wrong to desire a good shag every now and then. There's been none of that, no romance, no care, no flowers, no respect. As I have tried to explain to him, if I dont get it from him, I dont get it from anyone. It's inappropriate to be wined and dined by male admirers while Im married and to solicit such attention, so once again - if I dont get it from him, I dont get it from anyone. It isnt as though I depend on him for my happiness - I have never been a person to lean on him - however he contributes 100% to my sadness and emptiness and lonliness. It's beginning to change who I am. Have had one really successful counselling session and I am on the way to straightening myself out. BTW - HIS friends dont get how I put up with him. Maybe Im the loser in the choice I made for husband and father - however I have always had the best of intentions. I adored my husband and alot of me still loves him but enough is enough. I am a single mother and an abandoned wife, all under the roof of my comfortable home. Go figure.
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Here's another way of looking at it -- you don't make him happy anymore. Maybe, just maybe, he's not solely to blame.
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unless, you kow, you are perfect and everything. Obviously something is missing in his life too
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nande
18 yrs ago
Mrs: you are beautiful and strong. You know that. He fell in love with that. Be you and if need be faux it all and more.
No need to look in that mirror or any river...
Be strong and thus beautiful and let it resume...
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nande
18 yrs ago
Have just reread so should retract...
'rebuilt'...
as words you state and know 'maybe you are so not into him...'
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nande
18 yrs ago
But having again reread and knowing more... you are asking a very hard and so personnal question and sharing something to people who cannot spell and need their advice...
Again be strog, beautiful and indeed rise above it all.
It is difficult but no one could even profess to it being easy, well no-one whose advise you should follow...
look into your heart, be honest and all will appreciate you for that, but maybe not in this lifetime but is that indeed deserved.
Go(apo;ogies to) trust
yourself
thee heart
no more
no less
no regret for thee haunted never can depart until appeased...
Good luck and you know x
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nande
18 yrs ago
And truth is all and more, it may not be pretty big or clever but that is life.. lie to others you only lie to yourself.
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nande
18 yrs ago
And truth is all and more, it may not be pretty big or clever but that is life.. lie to others you only lie to yourself.
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nande
18 yrs ago
Apologies and again "likes being alone and to quote his good self "doesnt want responsibility or having to answer to anyone". Shame he/I found out the 'hard' way." err this is stated after 5 years of being a husband... and are you the cause of the ;hard' way?
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How can someone love a person he/she doesn't respect?
If I may ask, what's making you stay on in the relationship?
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leave the man - live a life for yourself - tell yourself that you are pretty and worth a million
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Even if a lot of you still loves him, one-sided love doesn't go very far, even with kids. It's tough and it's painful but the goal now is something better, certainly for you and almost certainly for all of you, including your child(ren). Everyone needs and deserves genuine love and happiness (yes, and the occasional shag! :). Some relationships are worth fighting for, some are simply ready to end for whatever reason. Don't waste your life. It's too short anyway.
He says he wants freedom? Well you're free now too, even though the choice may not have been yours.
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Kek
18 yrs ago
I may be wrong but I guess he misses being single.OK B4 but now sees the fun singles are having and it may be the case that he wants a bit of the action.Possible mid-life crisis.Hankering after a lost youth? If you say he isn't seeing anyone else I bet he wishes he was?
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Kek
18 yrs ago
Agreed.It wouldn't be the first time,or ,the last.
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Kek
18 yrs ago
No,it's the other way.
Is he losing weight ? Taking up the Gym? Buying new clothes? Changing his hair?
Yes? He's got a bird
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ACFHK
18 yrs ago
mrs o
"We argue frequently but he is the cause and 'causer'"
Whether you can or want to work it out, take some of the responsibility for the fact it's not working. These things are never one sided. It can take a lot of guts, honesty and time to own up to playing a part in a marriage break-down but it always makes you a better person for it.
You make it sound like your husband is just exhausted and maybe he feels berrated and blamed for everything? Maybe he feels like you don't listen??
Maybe it's none of that, I'm just explaining what I know, because it happened to me. I blamed him for everything but once I realised that I was equally to blame for the relationship failure (took 2 years after the fact) then I was able to go into my next and extremely fulfilling relationship, a much wiser and more giving person.
This probably isn't what you want to hear but if you have nothing to loose, just imagine, for a moment, that it might be true....or better yet, ask your husband.
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