Posted by
QT
19 yrs ago
Those are the statistics in the US at least. Here in HK I can only guess the numbers are higher. So, wives, would you know if your husband is cheating on you, and what makes you think you're so special that he would never do that to you? Some women live the rest of their married lives never having a clue that at some point, their husbands were actually having an affair....
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shaq
19 yrs ago
If nothing in your relationship changes, or finds no clue (to cheating) why should one care about whether the hubby is cheating or not?
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And if hubbies want to cheat, they just cheat. It has not much thing to do with how special the wives are.
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shaq
19 yrs ago
I concur, Pumpkin!!
And that goes a repetition of my point, if everything is fine, why should a wife even bother to snop around for whether a hubby is cheating or not??
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Well....
...they wouldn't would they!!
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I guess " we" just make up the 30% of married couples who stay faithful. wot
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@@
19 yrs ago
I certainly don't think that "I am so special" that my husband wouldn't cheat but I would like to think that my marriage is.
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in my own humble opinion, i better be the first one to know that he's having an affair, than the last one or not knowing anything at all..it's more hurting if after all those years..he's been telling me lies..just to keep the marriage work plus if you will bother not to know..how about if he infects me the disease..
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lulu
19 yrs ago
Actually I also accept the fact that most men cheat...(sooner or later) dun really mind that my hubby cheat (anyway, I will not have any),if i do not find out.
But then most men are so bad at lying and sooner or later I will notice or find out...
well...
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i think if your husband is poor(or if you are the key to his money) plus if he is quite ugly, he is most unlikely to cheat as there is no other girl beside you will be interested in such a man.
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so let's all get poor ugly husbands.
QED.
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Shaq
You say 'why should on care'.
STDs for one.
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QT
19 yrs ago
In light of some of the comments on this thread, I should also go on to explain that according to the same author who researched the topic extensively (and from whom the 70% stats comes from), most of the affairs took place between married men and single PROFESSIONAL women. So let's bear in mind that we are not talking only of the one night stands while on a biz trip (or not) with the hot chick he met at the bar. We are also talking about relationships with mature professional women, some of which go on for years...
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QT
19 yrs ago
Statistics aside, the point is not all affairs happen as one night stands in a girlie bar (or elsewhere) as suggested by some people on this thread (ie the reference to "dime store hooker" and STDs). Many affairs take the form of long term and loving relationships.
The statistics also go on to say that out of the 70% of men who engage in extra-marital affairs, only 1% actually leave their wives for the other woman.
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shaq
19 yrs ago
There you go; I guess cheating is just for fun then!
A big advise to the cheating partners. Damn, do we ever learn???????
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QT
19 yrs ago
Shaq, interesting response from you. Assuming you are a woman and you are married, does this therefore mean you will forgive your husband if he had an affair on the basis that he did not leave you for the other woman which in your estimation meant that it was just for fun? Would it make a difference if he confessed to you that he was in love with the other woman but decided not to leave because of his obligations to the family?
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shaq
19 yrs ago
QT > I wouldn't put myself in this situation; not suggesting though that I'm a saint.
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QT
19 yrs ago
Rouge, this is a very delicate topic and will surely raise the ire of people (especially married women). I am merely quoting what I read in a book so don't shoot me here. Let's start from the assumption that no one in this thread (including yourself) has loose screws in their head. If this topic is too emotional a topic for you then you have the option of not participating. However I do hope you will remain in the discussion because I would like views (not insults) from everyone, and married women in particular.
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QT
19 yrs ago
Thank you Rouge. It seems you have decided to remain in the discussion :)
If Ed says it's ok to name the book and the author then I will do so (I did not want to quote the resource because it might have been taken to be a commercial advertisement and therefore against the rules of the site).
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lulu
19 yrs ago
well actually most men have affairs will not leave their partner for the lovers. They have both pleasures, why not?
I think just most of the time is the wife decided to leave the cheating hubby too. If they choose to stay, the hubby most will not ask for a divorce.
For me, a life of a relationship will not only depends on your partner cheating or not. There are many factors contribute to a seperation. Just most of the time "cheating" is a trigger point, so people put the blame on it.
Well how much precentage is not really my concern, may be 70% is the known fact, may be the truth fact may be 90% of them, but then i really do not care. i think the most important thing I know myself will not cheat if i am married. But then i cannot say other guys and gals, and more important is, you both had loved each other before, how long is not that important.
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@@
19 yrs ago
Wow, British men 20%, American men 70%, interesting............
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QT
19 yrs ago
No where in the original post did I say or imply that only men cheat, so rest assured that no one is picking on the men. The topic just happens to refer to the case of men cheating on their wives and is not intended to discuss the reverse situation.
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lulu
19 yrs ago
Rouge> i understand what the poster trying to say. Thou as you say my english is poor, i think i still understands????!!! hahaha
The poster (may be a male) just want to say some women actually living in their "little pond" and think their hubby never cheat, or even say how clever they discover their hubby cheats. In another word, again "smell the coffee, face the fact"
Then you gals arguing the +/- percentage so that is why i say no need to argue as this is really the fact and most important is whether you done it or not, not 90% of people cheat ...then you need to cheat to go with the group...rouge, do not answer the thread just looking at my name!!!
geez.
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lulu
19 yrs ago
fffs, who cares how much people cheat? 89% then ? happy now ??....
you just make me laugh!
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Regardless of the numbers- either way its alot. It is a problem that has recently 'infected' my marriage to a man who I thought would never have an affair. And it was with a single professional woman. I have close friends and family whose husbands have had affairs so I am not alone with this problem.
I am at a loss of understanding why spouses don't communicate to their partner that is a problem in the marriage vs. go out of the marriage. Then you have a whole new set of problems. I just don't get it.
I wish I was strong enough to write more but this thread is too painful for me to continue. Other than to say- the 'traditional concept' of marriage isn't working this century and this is a very serious problem.
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blueyes, so sorry to hear this has happened to you. i agree with your last statement "the 'traditional concept' of marriage isn't working this century and this is a very serious problem"
this is what my married girl friends and i talk about a lot when we're out...mostly because they are discouraging me from marrying my bf! their desire is to spare me from all the various sh*t they have suffered in their marriages (not only infidelity, which is only a symptom of the larger illness you also mentioned: lack of communication). it's all very depressing and cynical, and yet i cannot ignore their experiences.
and the other day i met up with my happily married MBA classmate. he was like a brother to me in business school. he told me frankly how it is out there for married men: very easy, and very available. he had to switch hotels in another country that he covers for his job, because the duty manager herself propositioned him! and she propositioned him not for a one night stand, but to be his mistress in that country. he had been staying at that hotel for years, so she knew he was married with kids. so if he had been having problems with his wife, it would have been so easy and convenient to set up that little arrangement.
anyway back to the thread - numbers are numbers, and they are only as reliable as the people reporting them. and we all know how honest most humans are, right? :-/
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QT
19 yrs ago
I did more reading last night and the stats are (as voiceofreason says) only numbers. Some studies show only 23% and others say 80%. In my original post I was quoting from one book. There are many others out there.
What I really wanted to get is an idea of what women feel about the fact that many men do cheat. If you are married, do you think your marriage is immune, and if so, why? If your marriage has recently been infected by this (as Blueyes said), was there ever a time that you suspected it was happening but brushed it aside on the basis that "he would never do that"?
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;-) absolutely, knowway - in the end i'll decide for myself. i try to focus on what is real and factual, and i don't like to hypothesize about things that haven't happened yet (or if they HAVE happened - well, i am blissfully ignorant then, right?).
to answer one of QT's questions - if i were married, that's what i would say to myself, were i to hear of incidents of cheating: "he would never do that"...because that's what i want to believe. and until i have evidence to the contrary, i want to trust him. but not blindly or naively - what i CAN do is to live in such a way that, should such a betrayal occur, i have the choice to stay and work things out, or go.
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and related to that article: http://www.smartmarriages.com/cohabit.html
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whyme
19 yrs ago
After 11 months of dating someone I truly thought was THE ONE, just this past Sunday he told me the LIE he has been keeping from me... he is married and has a daughter too. As a profesional working woman, I NEVER imagined I would be put into this situation. Reading your words above had been painful in some ways, enlightning in others. He was a man who went to church with me... and we were living together too... and he even rented the apartment in his name. Like a flower, my heart opened to him and now it wilts and closes. It will be a long time until trust will return. Only time can heal this wound... why would someone hurt the person they love? I cannot and will not be with a married man, yet although my mind is strong my heart is weak and wounded in a way I've never felt before -- and hope no one ever has to experience.
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lulu
19 yrs ago
Why me> Geez, I feel so sorry to hear that. Where is his wife and daughter? Anyway, if you think you will leave him, please do. It is difficult but time can heal.
Well , you are never alone, there are many lairs, selfish people around. May be he does love you, but he just being selfish ...move on.
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Would that be 71% or more??
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Men's brain's are below the belt and woman use their 'real' brain. So here is a question- if your a woman (who knows she is dating a married man- such as the case for me) and you know that you are messing with a married man-where is your brain and what's wrong with your moral compass?
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it always takes 2 to tango. Morevoer, sometime the woman do not even know the guy is married when they first met him. I think if moral standard is lost, the guy moral standard lost first. I am not sure why women around here always say how thoughtful they are, but when he have an affair, they always blame "the other woman". I think beside they like to blame, they do not want to think why thier marriage have problem first. For a brokern relationship both parties do also have to take responsibility.
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As to the author substantiating his stats, doesn't matter, what are people's perceptions? This forum does it nicely.
As to what you don't know can't hurt you, Tia said in another forum very nicely, "If I cheated myself, somewhere, someone else would get cheated" People cheat themselves when they lie. Feeling the need to lie should be like a big neon sign saying "growth opportunity here!" And not taking that advice, people who manage information with their sig. others tend to become a little hollow.
However I think monogamy is more of a target to be aimed at. You don't always hit the bullseye, but you correct your aim for your mistake. In the case of cheating, the person may not have made a mistake, they really would be living a more authentic life to not be in their current relationship, that should be an even bigger neon sign.
Just live authentically, it could be the best thing to say something about an indescretion, or the best not to, but if you're trying to manage information to control someone's response to you it's not nice.
If you think your partner is cheating on you, try asking the big questions first, Should we be together, should we live together? And then more questions as they come up. Smaller questions work people up and can derail the conversation before the big questions are ever asked.
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"live authentically" - absolute best advice ever, right along with HelloBeijing's last paragraph. bravo and well said.
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There seems to be an impression here that guys need to lie about being married if they want to cheat with a girl. In my experience nothing could be further from the truth. More than 30 years ago I was newly married (first time) and living in the jungles of New Guinea. Went to the birthday party of my neighbour and good friend who was a work colleague and golfing partner. I was genuinely shocked when halfway through the party his wife suggested that she and I get it on together, as she was bored with her husband. I was eventually divorced (not beacause of that or my cheating coz I didn't then). I'm now married again with 2 kids and living in Hong Kong for many years. Over the years I have never denied that I'm married with kids and i've been amazed at the number of girls who don't find that to be any reason at all not to fool around. Give the guys a break, they're not the only players in these games girls...
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oh there is always lying guys and games girl around, just make sure we are not , thats fine.
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I think the statistic for children whose fathers aren't really their fathers, is one in ten -- 10%. Which would seem to imply that more than one woman in ten will cheat...
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this is off-topic but...i can't resist. excellent question, Six Pack.
i would answer
"if it's not your baby, you can kick me out into the street and never look back.
if it IS your baby, i get to shove the DNA swab as far up into you as it will go, whilst accepting your profuse and very expensive apology! jewelry preferred, my darling...and flowers every valentine's day, anniversary, and MOTHER'S DAY for the rest of my life."
;-D hahahahahaaaaaa
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actually i meant my response to be somewhat humorous. while i have no doubt any (faithful) woman would feel quite indignant at being asked the question, she could turn the outcome to her advantage, as the test would utterly, completely, and for all time prove that (a) she was faithful and (b) he's the dope who doubted her.
i suppose i would agree to the test with same eye-rolling acquiescence that a parent agrees to a tell a pestering, questioning child the truth about, say, santa claus, or the tooth fairy
i.e. are you SURE you want to know? because you might feel a bit foolish for asking afterwards! ;-)
what does your gf say to your hypothetical question?
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congratulations, Six Pack! you're a daddy-to-be...and a smart one too, valuing your "life and limbs" enough not to ask such a potentially inflammatory question, which - depending on the outcome - may have been unnecessary to ask in the first place, thus sparing all concerned a horrendous row. ;-)
only if a man has serious doubts as to the paternity of a child should he make moves to find out...always with the caveat "be careful HOW you find out, and be prepared for the answer."
seriously - may i ask if will you be secretly trying to determine the child's paternity?
(apologies to everyone else for this somewhat related but off-topic tangent to the thread)
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Six Pack - you'll have a beautiful child. may i ask if you and your gf have plans of living together or getting married before or when the baby is born?
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ok, enough said, and in any case it's nobody's business but your own. and now we are WAY off tangent here. best of luck, Six Pack!
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dhw
19 yrs ago
After 15 years of marriage just 3 weeks back I found a sms that was sent my a xtra card phone in my husbands car.He wanted to have sex with a woman on cvalantines day whom he had seen a few times before. I was one of the fools who thought my husband would never chet on me...with 2 teen age kids & a stressful job he has had the time for outside fun.well after confrontations he admitted it ws amistake but I bet you he will do it again.As I discovered he is going on the internet looking for a different dish everyday...
I have put in too much to throw back my marriage & walk away becoz I have 2 lovely kids who think thay are blessed with lobvely parents.I am not ready to break the glass box yet .So am in it yet but very suspicios & disturbe most of the time.Beleive me he is a good husband & a loving father.So I would say to all the women out there if he is 40 & up be watchful!!!!
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QT
19 yrs ago
Interesting. Yes dhw, why do you think he is a good husband? What really makes a good husband? Do you think your decision to stay in the marriage would have been different if your husband had told you that he was in love with the woman he had an affair with?
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knowway and QT, that is a really good question: what makes dhw's cheating partner a good husband?
while i'm not condoning what he did, the question would make us all acknowledge that marriage is a big-picture partnership made up of real people: real people who are good at some things - i.e. parenthood, providing for a family, friendship - and bad at others - i.e. faithfulness, time management, prioritizing.
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rats
19 yrs ago
old cliche- women usually have higher tolarance than men when they found their partner cheated. Not because the women can't make a living of their own. Just it seems women are still women, they just need some love and soft-hearted. And it becomes so common for males cheating once in a while and women tend to learn to shut up and accept it as part of human being's 'inperfection'.
I just can't understand why people, esp those who are married, cheated on their wife/husband.
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rats
19 yrs ago
knoway! lol, I listed a few maybe, but it doesn't mean I truly understand why....
And I can understand better why men/women having a long-term affair but never understand why they have a fling/ONS.
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rats
19 yrs ago
so...why married men still want a fling/ons?
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QT
19 yrs ago
Did anyone watch "Something to Talk About" last night on cable? Kyra Sedgwick said that Julia Roberts' husband (played by Dennis Quaid) cheated on her because "men think with their d*cks). Well put!
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