Posted by
Chy
19 yrs ago
I'm worried that my husband may become addicted to internet porn. We're expecting a baby in a couple months time and although the doctor gave us the green light to having sex, he has rejected the idea totally saying that it feels weird which I can understand. However, he hasn't even touched me since I became pregnant. Don't get me wrong, he's totally excited about the baby and is really looking forward to becoming a dad. He goes online when I go to bed but I can hear and see (if I wanted to)from the computer where my bedroom is. So I lie there every night knowing that he's indulging himself in watching hardcore porn and comes to bed like nothing happened. I worry that he has lost interest in me altogether esp after the baby arrives, I feel so trapped and frustrated, is he being inconsiderate or am I over reacting? I would like a man's point of view of this as I'm not sure what goes on in a man's mind when they're watching porn, do they continuously fantasis about these scenarios and compare their wives to what they see. I know I'm feeling very insecure right now but knowing how much he wants me to go to bed early so he can get to his business makes me really bugs me.
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Chy - can you talk to him about this or is it a very sensitive subject for him?
Has he epxressed why he finds it 'wierd' to have sex with his pregnant wife. Perhaps this is the point that needs to be addressed first.
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Chy
19 yrs ago
Well...it's been a very tough time for me coz with my hormones raving, i've been pretty horny but he wouldn't explain why he feels it's weird to have sex with me, but my guess is that he probably doesn't find me attractive with the big belly and all...or perhaps he just feels it's wrong, he's quite conservative about this. Considering that he enjoys his porn so much, I would've thought that this would at the very least drive him to want me to some degree, even intimate touching would be sufficient but it seems to me that he prefers visual more than physical now. He must know that I know what he's up to coz all I have to do is sit up from the bed, look out and see everything that's on the computer screen and we don't have the habit of keeping the door closed as we have two dogs who go in and out the bedroom as they please. I don't think there's anything I can do to prevent him from this new found habit, just worried that he might become addicted. I don't want to drive myself nuts over this, the pregnancy is enough for me to worry about right now but if his addiction affects our marriage then I really need advice on how I should handle this before it gets any worse.
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Chy
19 yrs ago
I want to just add that, I'm a very open minded person in general and know for a fact that a lot of men and women enjoy watching pornographic material to some degree on occasions, some watch these movies together as a couple either for entertainment or to help heighten their sexual relationship, I totally accept this. Just that my husband go online every night religiously now which is what worries me and more upsetting that he's not intimate with me anymore and with my pregnancy, it's not helping.
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shaq
19 yrs ago
Chy > Talk to bubby, my dear, and let him know that you know he's been watching porno. It could be addicted and, so, the sonner you talk to him about that, the better it will be for your family.
With regards to the sleeping with you, please convince him for a therapy. I've heard stories like yours before with 'new-hubbies'. Sometimes, it's not that they see your protruding belly as weird and, for that matter, it's not that they see you as NOT being attractive. However, they feel they might hurt you or the baby in the course of sex. All your hubby needs is to be talked to and advised that, with caution, nothing of that sort will happen. You need to be slept with in your present state and you deserve that. In fact, it's believed that sex during pregnancy enables relatively easy delivery. So, please talk to your probably uninformed hubby or convince him to go for therapy. Good luck!!
SHAQ
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Chy
19 yrs ago
I know that he's worried about hurting the baby too and like I said before, the doctor already told us that it's ok but still he has his own theory I guess. It's for sure he won't sleep with me but why doesn't he even want to touch me anymore? You know, he comes to bed with a hard on I know it, he climbs onto the bed and turns to the wall crouched up not wanting to face me, and I know it takes him awhile to get over his fantasies before really falling asleep. Sleeping beside him and knowing this kills me inside. I know there's nothing else I can do but to talk to him about how I feel although I know he'd say he can control himself bla bla bla. The computer we have at home is a desktop and the laptop he has at work doesn't give him access to such websites, this I know for sure. And to 'Knowway', it's not that I don't want to take your earlier advice with the camera thing, honestly, to him it'll be like 'so what' if I catch him, he probably won't take me seriously if I do this and like you said, probably just find it to be funny, though it's hardly funny to me. With the pregnancy, I have to get up and go to the bathroom many times during the night and whenever he hears me, he closes the page immediately like I'm stupid or something, like he doesn't know I already know!
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Chy
19 yrs ago
thanks tuttifrutti, perhaps i'm thinking too much out of it. he thinks i'm wrong to have any sexual thoughts while pregnant, that all i should be concerned about now is to prepare for the baby's arrival. i just hope after all this that he still wants me for who i am and not someone he could use to release his sexual desires and tensions which i believe is pretty hard to convince when his mind is full of those pornographic scenarios. in any case, thanks so much for your kind advice.
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OK we have 2 issues here:
1. You're husband has a problem with sex and motherhood. To him you are a 'vessel' carrying his child and such you should be treated with care and love. This is something that should be addressed immediately and preferrabley with a therapist. We all agree that it is insane for him to think that sex will 'damage' the baby but for him it is a reall concern. Also, I a bit alarmed that he thinks you shouldn't have any frisky thoughts. You need to talk to him about this and soon.
2. The porn. Let him know you have seen him cruising the sites. You mentioned that you do not have an issue with him viewing porn and this is a good thing. The porn is just for release, he is not comparing you to any images he sees on the internet so please don't worry about that. However, there may be a posibility that his use of porn escalates to exclude any sexual contact with you (which is effevtively what he is doing now.)
Please, please talk to your husband.
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sub
19 yrs ago
OK, my husband also was "weirded out" during my pregnancies. No hanky panky whatsoever. Yes, those pregnancy hormones don't help do they? I know just the feeling.
The porn shows he is still interested in sex, that is a good sign.
Don't worry.
After the first birth, I thought we were NEVER going to again. I started being envious of all the people with 2nd/3rd children, thinking, "well, they must have done it after the birth!!".
Anyway, by some miracle we managed a few times (might have been drunk). I also was weirded out after the birth. Then I got pregnant again before we had a chance to resolve our sex life back to normal. I thought "oh, well, that's it for life, now".
After the 2nd, somehow we were OK, happy to say we are normal now (for a longterm relationship anyway).
I am not suggesting the 2nd child was the solution, rather over time, it all goes back to normal. You just need to find each other again.
If it seems weird to him, other guys feel this way too. And after your own time to get back to normal after the birth (REALLY allow yourself 1 year before you feel that physical confidence again - any less is just a bonus and shows you are superwoman) - you may be having sex before then, but you may not feel "normal" yet.
Good Luck, don't worry.
...better watching porn than out all night....ha ha
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sub
19 yrs ago
I didn't mean no sex for a whole year. Just that maybe allow yourself one year before you feel that physical confidence again. It takes a bit of practise of course. And you have to put flabby tummies OUT-OF-MIND!
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Chy
19 yrs ago
Wow, i'm so glad i posted my message, i'm getting a lot of great advice here, thank you so much! i will definitely talk to him tonight to at least let him know how the timing of his new found interest is bothering me and hopefully he'll have some respect to consider my feelings. i mean his not willing to satisfy me in any way and his turning to porn is not helping that's for sure.
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ow daling its common to a husband who can not sleep with wife to do things to satisfiy him self...dont be a kj..hes fine its better for him to do that instead of going out and stuck with a hooker...but i think he knows his limits ...and he is a father and a husband perhaps..just dont be paranoid
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Chy
19 yrs ago
OK...I talked to him last night. First of all, he denied being an addict to internet porno and says that does for no particular reason. I told him that I have no problem with porno and understand that most men, women, even couples enjoy it for their own reason, just that I feel uncomfortable that he's doing that during my pregnancy and knowing how much I want him he still ignores me and turns to other ways to satisfy himself. He says he doesn't want to harm the baby and it's not because of how I look, nothing like that. I told him not to worry that if he's so unsure then he should educate himself and not just focus on the baby, the mother has her needs too. Anyway, to summerise a long discussion short, there's no convincing him to satisfy me in any way but at least I was able to let him know how I feel about the porno thing at this particular time when I'm a little on the sensitive and hormonal side. I guess he understood, came across to be kinda flushed, embarrased that I brought up the subject. He didn't ask me to go to bed early last night and we both went to bed at the same time, guess he got the drift. Thank you all so much for your advice and feedback, sometimes it helps to get a second opinion on everything. Oh I also mentioned that the reason I want to talk about this is because I'm hoping that once the baby arrives that we make an effort to stay close, being parents is one thing and maintaining a healthy and loving marriage is another.
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shaq
19 yrs ago
Yeah, well done CHY. Boy, we've scored a point ... :D.
It always pays to communicate. Do continue to talk to your hubby on the sex part with tact and patience (because, my dear, you need it and deserve it; we all do). Hopefully, he'll come round. Good luck again, and take care .... :P.
SHAQ
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peeks
19 yrs ago
Chy.
First. You must relax. Youre the one who's pregnant and about to have your baby.Think on that terms.
I have a 10 month old now and realize what you have gone through, but of course, porn on the net was not "always" the way to go :). Guys will be guys, even swimwear editions make us rave about something as small as a string. :)
Ok, i suggest, you sit with him, talk to him. But DONT DO THAT AT HOME. Home is where you cant be relaxed for such matters. Take him out for a walk, speak softly to make him first realize you are there. APPRECIATE HIS CONCERN that he may hurt the baby, even if docs say otherwise. I believed i may. Honestly.
Tell him, porn on the net is ok once in awhile, but should not result to prostitution due to desperation, THAT IS WHAT YOU SHOULD FEAR, not the comp. You would rather have him on the comp 20hours a day, than 20 minutes in a whorehouse. Please be calm and speak to him.
Most of all, ITS TIME TO REASSURE YOURSELVES, HOW MUCH YOU LOVE EACH OTHER. That seems to fade with the focus shifting to the baby.
I hope i could be of help. Dont bother about what anyone has to say, YOU tell him, its okay for you to wait until after childbirth, as long as he understands, that way, reverse pyschology will have him come back to you, and not the comp.
Peek(s) wishing you all the best and so much more joy, once the little angel arrives.
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Chy
19 yrs ago
I think the reverse psychology does work...he was a little touchy last night, not intimately but at least there was some physical contact, i.e. wanting to hold my hand! Wow wee.. oh and when he touches my belly and puts his head against it to listen to the baby doesn't count, he's just really into the baby, not me! Again, thanks to everyone who responded, I'm feeling much better and it again proves that, communication is key!
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fantastic news Chy! well done. looks like your big baby needs to take baby steps of his own after all. ;-)
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Chy
19 yrs ago
well that was what i was worried about, that it could become a replacement as he seemed quite satisfied with just that. but you could be right too, i may have over reacted since i'm not feeling all that sexy and self-confident these days.
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i think that's going to be another thread-killer, shady
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no, i guess it's not - but if i were her husband i might look over her shoulder...then burst out laughing.
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Chy
19 yrs ago
funny, what can I say,...thanks for all the creative advice. I think this is somehow becoming a joke so let's just drop it, I'm sure I'll live.
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sorry chy - i don't mean to make a joke of your situation. once the baby comes this whole thread will become nothing but a vague memory, which hopefully you can laugh about later.
you will love being a mother. maybe we'll see you over in the Moms & Dads forum in the future. hope all is going well and here's wishing you a short and easy labor! ;-)
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darn it...
' We did not find results for "incrediblymassivehugenobs.com" '
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chy, better disable that computer now and have a talk with him. no good. it will lead to something worse. trust your fears and do something about it now before baby arrives.
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Chy
19 yrs ago
Thanks again to everyone's advice and suggestions. He hasn't been online since I last spoke to him or at least not surfing those websites. I think now that my belly is getting bigger and the due date is almost here, he's more focused on the baby and has put his new found habit aside for the timebeing at least.
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lulu
19 yrs ago
good to hear the positive update! :))
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