Posted by
Fleur
19 yrs ago
Yellow fever - how do we UK gal's compete with that?!
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i think it's time for you to start a new relationship with your HK girlfriend.
your relationship with your first gf has run its course, and you've done right by her and her son. you need to inform her of your plans, and assure her that you can afford to provide her and her son with financial security. i hope you can remain a father figure to the boy as well. you may not have romantic feelings for her, but if you can reassure her that you will always be her friend, she'll get over her heartbreak in time.
then good luck with your new gf. everyone deserves the right relationship.
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tia
19 yrs ago
Have to agree with VoR. It sounds like the former relationship has run its course and it is time to move on and find something that is more satisfying for you all around.
Good luck.
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Bently boy: just go with what your feelings. Well, not just because of guilty feeling to stay for one party as it not fair for everyone. You need to make a decision soon too as this is very unfair to both parties. You can choose either of them but you need to make the decsion, any decision will hurt, but it is normal for relationship.
Fleur: do not think any yellow fever happens anymore, not all men like asian or Hong kong girls.
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sub
19 yrs ago
In the end, you need to choose things which are right for you.
It would be really wonderful that you can help support your gf and her son by leaving her with something after separation, and even continuing with support if you can.
Yes, she will be heartbroken, she may also make things difficult for you - women can suddenly change when they know they have been left for another woman.
That is why you need to make your own decision with conviction and be prepared for some hardship - eg, if you decide to leave for the new HK girl, your old gf may make things hard. OR of you don't you may be heartbroken. Either way it can only be your decision and you need to steel yourself emotionally for the repercussions.
Good Luck ,many of us have been there before. Ultimately happiness will prevail..if you decide what is right for you, that is.
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hi gui, good question. IF Bentley Boy had been married to his UK gf, i might have added "stop seeing HK gf. exhaust all means of making marriage work (i.e. marriage counseling). if there is absolutely no chance for the marriage to work out, get divorced."
all other advice would stand, especially the part about providing security for UK gf and her son, because - as he says - he can and he wants to. and it's the right thing to do.
why would i give this advice? because it's what i did with my first marriage. btw, i didn't leave for another person - i left because it was not the right relationship.
everyone deserves the right relationship. and let me add that it's better to be alone than to be in the wrong relationship.
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Bentley Boy: Times change and so do people, regardless the rough times you spent with your British lady. Some relationships just have expiry dates, which you have your good reason to end yours and you also promised to back her up financially like a divorced spouse would.
My advice is if you are ending it, do it bravely with honesty and mainly put all the blame on yourself.
I wouldn't lie or hide the fact that you have met someone, because she would find out anyhow which might even more painful as to put her in a comparison state. That info is best if you just keep it short as supplimentary.
That's it for the support.
Now a case and a question for our main character: If you and the HK lady will go steady as we say for the good and bad. When meeting a more quality lady (so-to-speak) in the possible future, would you give up the HK gal like before as it would have run its course (again)?
If you haven't grown up yet and only know how to present yourself in your most decent, please don't marry that soon.
Best of luck to you.
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I think it would be best if you just ended the relatiionship asap. There was another woman in my life and I was married. Hurt immeselly when I found out, but although he stayed with me he keep occasional contact with his mistress who got married and even has a kid now. When I found that out, it came all to me. I wished I had left him when that happened. When I finally got the strength to do so, I realized that I had wasted time unnecessarily. I still loved him when I made that decision but you know what? I am glad I did, my child did not deserve mother who was always unhappy. She will definitely cry, you will hurt her terribly but with time she will get over it. One day she may thank you for doing so. Don't give her reasons to hate you for being a coward. Grow up and take responsibility ofr your actions. You are not married to her, and her kid is not yours which make things easier. Think of the kid too, the longer you wait the harder it will be for him. I have a son and believe me they suffer the most. I know that if I had not waited, my son would have been younger enough to forget what having a male role model was. Good luck
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rats
19 yrs ago
Star_studded, never judge a book by its cover. We have only listened to BB's side of story so far. Was it hell if he did it out of love? What hell did he go through? Have you wondered why his gf has nothing after all these years? BB is the one who stated clearly 'WE have gone throgh hell and stick together'.
Maybe I am too naive, I understand that we only live once and have the right to find true love... etc. but I still don't understand howcome love can just vanished so easily.
Well, at least I am not that naive to know one thing- when you want to be with someone else, you can see all wrongs in your current lover or you can always find reasons for yourself to do it.
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Hmmmmm, one question. You say that you are in love with this new girl and that you have met her parents, yet nothing physical has happened between you? Pull the other one!
As for her parents liking you, do they know that you have a common law wife and child at home?? Frankly if I introduced you to my parents, my father would see you for the sh*t that you are and tell you to get lost.
But that's just my opinion.
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rats
19 yrs ago
Vulvic- we may not always agree with each other, but I am on your side this time. ;)
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Well cheating is cheating as farv as I'm concerned. Of course the HK girl is going to seem more exciting and romantic - she doesn't have a sick child to take care of.
The fact that he is not married to his UK g/f makes no difference - they have been living as man and wife and have raised a child together.
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I am with you Vulvic. What is marriage...but a peice of paper making it legal.
Its the caring, comittment and life that happends that you share with someone that is more important.
After 8 years you might find your new gf exciting but since you are feeling guilty may I make a small suggestion?
Maybe you have deep feelings for the UK lady and this new excitement of lust you see as love is not worth it?Please dont abandon your UK gf..she has too much on her plate as it is...imagine what she would go through if you leave? Imagine?
I know it's unfair but didnt you consider all this when you got involved with her initially?..or did you expect the little chum to drop dead so that you can go on with your life with his mom?...You chose to be with her then...obviously there were strong deep feelings towards her then...how could such strong deep feelings vanish after 8 years?? In that case what's the purpose of living? I mean even this new gf and the romance you have with her right now will vanish down the line...whats stopping you or your lady friend finding someone else to spice up thier lives??
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actually Alice Thornbeery what makes a relationship legal is co habitation. Not marriage, marriage of course, but if you live together it is common law marriage anyway.
Que sera sera.
All above have valid points, and of course you feel like an arsehole. WHY? Because the UK girl will see it as that. Why were you with her all these years if you didn't even care for her.
To leave her now because you feel nothing for her and felt sorry for her does not ringtrue.
However if you love this new girl, be with her, BUT offer adequate emotional and financial compensation. It does not make it right, BUT you at least owe her that.
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Some good advice has been given, already, and I'm not really saying anything that everyone doesn't know already: What we have isn't half as desirable as what we want. Isn't that true?
My ex-husband told me after ten years of marriage that he 'knew' three days after the wedding that he should have married his first girlfriend. Goodbye! Thank you for telling me now! He has since married and divorced again and had many other 'forever after' relationships. To him, and to all of us - to a certain degree - the grass is always greener on the other side. But, to be quite honest, when we look at the other side, we are not there! So, of course it is always better. Trouble is, when we cross over, we take ourselves with us.
Still, the heart wants what is wants. So, Bentley Boy, don't waste any more of your first lady's time and love. Give her a chance to find someone else before despair sets in. There is nothing worse than being in a relationship when the other partner wants out but doesn't get out! So, do her a favour and GO!
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Shady, would you like to live with someone who is in love with someone else?
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You really are a gem Bentley Boy.
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Shady, I didn't tell the guy to tell his first lady that he was doing her a favour. You misunderstood my meaning. I meant that he would be doing her a favour by getting out of her life so that she can find someone who really wants to be with her. Of course, she wouldn't feel that way at first but once she found someone decent, she would wonder why she spent so long with the "gem".
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gui, he DOES see it for what it is. at no point does BB say he's the only one who deserves to be happy, or that UK gf and son are indebted to him - on the contrary, just like a married man (which, as vulvic rightly pointed out above, he is, as we can consider UK gf his common law wife), he feels guilty because he KNOWS what he's doing is having an affair. he's asking for advice, not judgment.
he KNOWS his UK gf will be heartbroken, but at least he can and will provide for them - which, believe me, is a damn sight more than even some MARRIED men do for their wives and kids, much less ex-husbands, and exes in general.
and as susan pointed out above, his leaving her will set her free from a sham "marriage" anyway, and set him free to see if HK gf really is the one for him.
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bentley boy- it really is a difficult situation you are having right now, it's like you are "caught between the devil and the deep blue sea"... why don't you enjoy the situation with your HK gf while it lasts, then go back to your UK gf, for all we know maybe this is just an itch that wants to go away.The most important thing here is you did not promise the moon and the stars for your HK gf, and leave her, as soon as the business becomes scarce.
If I am you, enjoy the best of both worlds for a while, from there you can get a clue/signs whom to choose and hope you will choose the best..
All is fair in love and war..
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"How can I tell her about you"!!!!!!!!!!
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come on, VRPI, share your story please. what was the outcome?
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