Posted by
just snow
19 yrs ago
I started seeing this guy about a month ago. Met him at a bar, was checking him out so my friend got up talked to him and introduced us. We had a good chat, he asked for my number and whether I’d like to have dinner sometime. He texted me a week later and we set up a date. Had a nice time and have still been seeing this guy but the thing is that in between our dates (max twice a week, min. once a week), we don’t talk at all. He’s never called me. He’s only contacted me (via sms or email) when he wants to set up a date. It’s not like I haven’t done my part- I’ve initiated meeting up too. Three times in fact, twice of which he shot me down. Thing is, I enjoy our dates and really feel he does too. We’ve been on 8 dates so far and slept with him on the 6th (so am not that much of a slut). The following 2 dates ended up in the sack...but now I can't help feeling as if he’s just using me for sex, especially since we don’t have an established relationship yet. It’s not like he forces me into it tho, I enjoy it too… but don’t know if I want to settle as his fc*k buddy.
I haven’t told him it bothers me…but should I even bother? From how I see it so far, it could be three things: (1) he’s a player, (2) he’s seeing other girls simultaneously or, (3) he’s had a history of bad relationships and wants to take it s-l-o-w...what to do?!
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lulu
19 yrs ago
well, he just want sex and no girlfriend. it's simple. Do not think what he is, think what you want!
No excuse.
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shaq
19 yrs ago
Same old issue ......
Why don't you talk to this guy and find out what he think about the present situation, instead of thinking up 'reasons for his actions' for him? For all you know, he also think you're also using him (sure, women can use men too) or, maybe, you're comfortable with what you're having right now.
If you find out he's using you after talking to him and you don't wanna be used then you take the appropriate action every rational person will take; move on and look for a relationship that satisfies .... period.
Judge NOT, my dear, until you know what you've to judge .... Peace out :D
SHAQ
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ok u guys are right. but how do girls become fck buddies and not be attached? I thought i'd be able to handle it but i guess i can't. i feel the worst in particular when i'm leaving his apartment late at night, and the superintendent and taxi drivers give me a look; the i-know-what-you-did-in-his-bedroom kinda look. i hate that. but at the same time, it's nice to have someone i feel comfortable with to be intimate with. it's not like a one-night stand. i do know this guy, we have been on a couple on several dates before we hit the sack. argh, this is so frustrating...
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shaq
19 yrs ago
I think you like being where you're. So, with all due respect, please shut up, stay there and let's have our peace.
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Geez JE, is someone forcing you to read this thread? If not, and if this bores you, then stop posting unconstructive replies.
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The reason why I mentioned the whole slut thing is because of other people’s perception of what a slut is. I think it’s fine (and in fact admirable) if a woman can enjoy sex without having emotional ties. Someone like Samantha in Sex and the City. So long as she’s shagging men in a safe manner and not using men to overcome any emotional problems, then that’s wonderful- not a slut in my eyes. I’ve had a one night stand before and am not ashamed or bothered cuz well, I was drunk n’ horny, and secondly I didn’t expect anything but sex from him. He was happy and so was I. Problem here, is that I do like this guy, out of the bedroom too, and was hoping it’d develop into a gf/bf relationship. From day one, we’ve always only saw each other maximum twice a week and during the initial dates he acted the same as he does now. Only difference is that now it ends with sex.
To answer your question, tinja, there were 3 weeks in between our 1st and 6th date in which I slept with him. I felt we were ready, seeing that on date 5, I went up to his place and just made out with him. He was fine when I said I had to go home, so I thought he wasn’t your typical guy who just wants to screw around. He didn’t even try pressuring or talking me into having sex, which I noted and considered when it came to date 6. So I guess what it all comes down to is if you’re attracted to a guy (not just physically), then you should definitely not consider him as a fck buddy. This is where I’ve blundered and now am hurt.… :(
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Ed
19 yrs ago
That ban had nothing to do with the content of this thread.
The message is, if you arent interested in what others want to discuss then dont cut them down and especially when profanity laced insults...
There is absolutely no place for such comments on these forums.
I stand by that ban
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My 2 cents - sounds like it's just sex.
When a guy is serious about you, he will call and arrange dates in advance. He will talk to you rather than text you. He will maintain frequent contact because he is interested in you and what you are doing.
Once things become physical, that level of interest should be heightened and the number of dates usually increase. You will probably get to the point where you spend time with him 3-4 times a week, or more.
Of course all of the above is a rough guide but generally speaking, when a guy is into you, you never have to question it.
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lulu
19 yrs ago
I am a slut! so what? Why you care about people calling you? If you like to be his fu*ky buddy, no harm too, as long as you are happy!! :)
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Ed
19 yrs ago
JC - as mentioned it had nothing to do with this threads content.
It was an insult to those who were participating in the conversation.
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Lulu - you are always such a drama queen! This thread is not about you. I'm sure you are not a slut.
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Vulvic- i rationalized the same thing in my head- just needed someone else to tell me. Am obviously in denial, but your replies have helped smack some sense in me.
Nemesis- thanks for the movie tip. will definitely go rent it and hopefully feel better.
berrypicker- i'm not glorifying. i'm hurting.... i know that we're not dating. i was hoping it'd evolve to that, but i guess it won't.
justin credulous- sorry u're upset about JE. i only said to stop posting replies if he has nothing constructive to say. Thanks tho for your bit of advice. the 'what am i getting out of this' question really helped cuz i realized i'm really not getting much. it's a losing battle.
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evohe
19 yrs ago
Ed :
You do not have a coherent banning policy. Looks like that when you are in a bad mood you simply ban something you don't agree with. One day it was bad sense of humor, the other day the word sex could not be used, and a third day we had to scream so that you ban someone who was mocking a dead person some of us know ...
Most of the time your ban install boredom into the forum. It is not the first time some of us mention it, and your banning policy is so incoherent and arbitruary that it is almost a joke ...
Seriously review your policy and get yourself a punching ball instead getting your nerves on ppl here.
Now to show that you can't even take critics, I am going to get ban, and guess what : I will not be able to sleep for weeks, but that is a fair price to pay for the freedom of speech and I sacrifice my alias to the community here. "Firing Squad"
I did not read what the poor man said. But just took the opportunity to tell you how ridiculous your banning policy is. It is your own business and probably this does not affect that much the number of ppl visiting your web site. Still, it is good sometime to hear the plain truth. Man, for once : create a policy that is not just based on your own mood, make it fair, or simply don't ban unless people ask you to.
Ciao - JC see you in Iraq where the grass is green and ....
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knowway- no way! That would be too weird. Perhaps there're a lot of guys like that around and of course he's happy with the situation. Who wouldn't?? So what's on your friends mind anyway, regardless whether he's the same fellow...
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Just Snow - good luck with whatever you decide.
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Ed
19 yrs ago
Evohe - au contraire - I am in a great mood - I am sitting at the poolside of my villa with a cooler of beers (sadly not Molson) working away on wifi and catching some rays http://www.phuketpavilions.com
From time to time I cool off with a swim...then I check the HK weather site and struggle with 'should I come back on thursday or friday'....
Yes, I am in a pleasant mood today...
As for my banning policy its pretty consistent - if you insult people you probably end up banned - if you insult people and use profanity you definitely get banned.
The person who banned did both and is gone. Not sure where he/she is gone - perhaps www.icered.com?
Anyway, lets not cry over spilt beer, for there is a lot more in the cooler...
And with that in mind, I now invite you to continue you discussion in a civil, constructive manner.
Peace.
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evohe
19 yrs ago
1 - Glad you are enjoying your holiday and thanks for the ad ... ;-)
2 - ok fine. Just be aware that in your moody time you shoot like a mexican !
3 - happily surprised you take it this way
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Ed
19 yrs ago
Actually not a holiday ... I am getting more hotels to give us exclusive offers for our new Hotels DIRECT concept that is taking shape on the home page...
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Yes, within 2 days of being back in HK I know have a lovely cough and my tan is fading. Bugger!
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evohe
19 yrs ago
Nice :-)
Got asthma too JC. Walking around with my bottle of oxygen
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haha.. you're right JC- am referring to the knowway comment btw. am so pathetic, don't even deserve to have tomatoes thrown at me...! oh and ‘I’!
tinjatinja, thanks for your kind words. I appreciate it. :)
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JC, it sounds like what im going thru, right?seems i should back off and get a life as well.
*deep in thought*
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justnow, as a woman I relate totally to what you feel. However, as you said, you've dated him for a month now, it might be too early for a guy to decide if he wants to go further to a serious relationship or not. So I think you'd better be a bit more patient. In the mean time, try out the strategies Cathy suggested. Sound not bad at all.
And yet, don't bother about how you look in people's eyes.
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Berrypickerr- I know what you mean re: meeting guys at bars. But this time it was different cuz he didn’t pick me up. If he did, I’d always wonder whether he does this often, and further reinforcing the fact that this guy may well be a sleazebag. With this guy tho, I was checking him out… he was just minding his own business, sitting by his lonely self at the bar. I’ve never approached a guy at a bar before, so my friend stepped up and started talking to him, after which she introduced us two. In this scenario, this could’ve evolved into something more than a casual fling cuz it didn’t start with “So you come here often?” or with him grinding against me. See what I mean?
Tinjatinja- re: your how did u guys date question, we started off doing the whole dinner + movie thing. He came off as a bit shy - he’d suddenly grab my hand during the movies, which I thought was sweet. I didn’t go up to his place till date 5, in which we only made out. It’s only the last 3 times we ended in the sack.
Cathy- thanks for your advice. I hate being confrontational tho, but I know that’s my weakness so need to change. Would prefer not to talk to him in fear of what he has to say… or even worse, in fear he’d be able to sweet talk his way back into my heart. No worries though, I’ll talk to him.
Now I’m just left to wonder what is it about me that he only wants to spend time with me for a quick fix…
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It is not a question about you. It is just that he wants sex and you happen to be around. Period. You can be attractive and every man's dream but all he just wants is sex and no string attached.
Dont self doubt in this situation. Let's say it is a different pursuit of interests here.
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lulu
19 yrs ago
knowway!, just snow> there are many guys are like that now, dun think you are mentioning the same guy anyway. The last few years all the guys i met who asked me to go out for the second date all turn to be like that ( wannabe sex partners), some still calling me!!! Some even ask me want to be sex aprtner after the first date, it sounds horrible but i can say they are honest then!
anyway, just snow, as long as you are happy about that, it's ok, no confrontation, no hassel, but if you are not happy, move on. No need to be dramatic to delete phone number or have a conference!! Just say you are busy when he text you, sooner or later he gets the message... may be he will respect you more in the latter days!!
Now I fed up with people like that, I just not bother to meet any of them anymore. So plastic ..
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Brute
19 yrs ago
If you think you've got a fcuk buddy, then its almost 99% sure he's married or got a partner in HK, please don't be naiive ! No probs with that, so long as you know what you're getting into.
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Brute
19 yrs ago
Lived in HK for 16yrs, most males I know have this type of fcuk buddy that just-snow is talking about - of course 99% is probably exagerrating, but was chucking that stat in there to make a point. Do I need to spell out the ABC signs of a f*ck buddy:
- SMS / Emails, rarely uses the actual phone in case he's heard.
- Don't get to stay the whole night.
- Isin't proactive in organising dates.
- Sudden requests to meet up i.e. when he's feeling horny.
- Relationship rarely establishes much beyond meetings for sex.
To name just a few. As I say no prob for either the guy or the gal, so long one isin't pretending otherwise.
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Brute
19 yrs ago
Ermm thanks Berry Picker, so whenever yr ready, feel free to sms or email me.
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Yesh JC. What happened to good old dinner-movie and getting to know you?
What a warped world!!
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lulu
19 yrs ago
i have not got any holding hands, dinners, cooking, romatic travelling days for ages. I think the format of boys meet girls has totally shift...i am out dated, think so as many others, wish some guys could do that to them.
Anyway, i would find i feel pretty glad to find a f**k buddy that can let me stay the night and hold hands and cuddle a bit watching TV before sex.
But most of the time they call you if they are only feeling horny and drunk...
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I agree with Shizz. First date should be short and sweet. If things go bad, at least you can shoot off early. You dont have to wait till dinner is over and still have to endure the movie!!
Manicair - please introduce his single male friends to us. We should restart the old funky dating.
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Manicair - good for you, sounds like you have found a keeper! As for moving to fast, there is no such thing as long as you both feel comfortable.
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wow Manicair, where'd you meet your guy? I have this theory that MOST expats in HK will rarely be serious when it comes to relationships cuz their egos get inflated here. They probably couldn't turn heads in their home town and once they come here, they're like kings. They enjoy all the attention they get, cuz c'mon, don't we all know chicks with white fever?? I totally get it, if i were them i probably wouldn't wanna settle with one chick either. carpe diem, right? problem is, i kinda got a slight case of white fever too... so my chances of finding a nice caucasian guy who wants a relationship here is pretty much.. umm...0.0001%?
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lulu
19 yrs ago
Well, the forum recently turn into a pretty positive one with women falling in love!! that is good. Yeah of course rather than cheating, sex partners and dumped by someone. I have to say there are ups and downs in life, take it easy.
Sometime you do not need a man to complete your life right?
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Manicair, am happy for you! Let's just say you're really really lucky. My most recent ex is English and it didn't work out cuz he'd purposely act out, hoping I'd put him in place. (Basically he wanted a mom as a gf.) And the guy I've been talking about here is also English. Ok yes, he holds my hand when i'm with him, but doesn't really make up for the fact that he sees me as a call girl, eh?
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lulu
19 yrs ago
well, just snow, all the guys i met are mostly english...there are good ones, mad ones and sleazy ones, and scummy ones...but i still like english guys, it just my way, I dunno why.
Well my sort of "sex partners" are all english too, he sent me a few texts and I will go and meet him, no matter where i am, cos i really like him. but he cooks me dinner and we cuddle and watch TV and i get to stay for the night, holding hands sleeping, so its not too bad...hahaha...
At least i dun get kick out so soon...should i feel better?
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lulu
19 yrs ago
BP> you seems to be fustrated about your love and relationships, traditional feelings, culture and so on. I was a bit like that too, but now i gone over that (I think, I hope). I do not have the loving feelings to the ones i used to love now. Everything look a step away, you will feel much better. I am not sure i should feel happy of not loving anyone anymore, may be even worst cos i migth becoming mean and feeling-less now!
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The need for love relationship is probably when one feels lonely and missing somethings in life. So it is best to keep your life fulfilling. If love comes, let it on. If not, you should be living and not existing. Or let someone steps over you.
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You guys want sex on tap? Hmm…maybe you should all meet the tool I’ve been talking about. For me, it wasn’t hard to find at all, but having casual sex with him whilst basking in the love of my friends isn’t enough. It sounds viable in theory, but methinks there’s something in the exchange of bodily fluids that makes women more attached to men after having sex with ‘em.
JC- i'm in that situation u just described. I don't have to worry bout this guy, am free to see other guys simultaneously, don't hafta wonder when he'll call (cuz he won't), and i get to sleep with him whenever he/i want. Sounds ideal, doesn't it? but i think for me, it hasta be all or nothing. i can't just have the physical aspect, need him to care bout me too. so guess it is better to be single...or date prince charming.
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incidentally, do u equate the terms seeing and dating? Which sounds more serious to you? "I'm seeing someone." or "I'm dating someone." Asked my friends before and have been getting conflicted responses. Just wondering what y'all thought.
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Interesting... I've always thought seeing someone's more casual. If i say i'm dating someone, it means we've already developed into a bf/gf relationship. Perhaps it's the difference between N.Americans and Europeans?
Berrypickerrr, i agree. But a fck buddy doesn't help for some ppl, but it does for some.
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hahah...yes, I get what u're trying to say, tutti. Methinks 'crappier' is perhaps a better word to use. heh...
Ya being an FB sucks. feel so cheap and unwanted. sure he wants my body but frankly speaking, he'd be happy to fck any chick. *sigh*.. so sad...i'll get over it. just need time..... and a new guy! heh.. jk.
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lulu
19 yrs ago
BP> nah, I dun agreed. Having a loving partner is not really a happy factor, not having any also desont mean its unhappy. If having a loving partner and you worry about him cheating, agruing, or whether "he is the one" is very stressful. Not having loving partners but have friends and family around can also be happy.
Do not think relationship and men is such big deal, cos we cannot think like that anymore. Time has change, it mught work in the old days, but not really now.
If we think we born to come to this world alone, we can still survive on our own right? I have so many friends that they are attached but they are not happy at all. They just want to "own" something or have someone to go with to a party when there is a gathering. That is not right.
I am not saying we got to be celibate or something, but just let go with the flow, dun worry or whine about no partners. We can still be happy within ourselves.
Moreover, i am really bored of dating, so much hassle and stressed, i am on a break now. I feel more relax just to see friends, eat and talk and yawn whatever i like...hahahha
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I love the weekend cynics on this site! They all bang on about how crap, love, life, sex, whatever is but they are secretly looking for the very things they criticise. Lol!
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lulu
19 yrs ago
Not really negative about loving partner, i still have hope but not as much as before. That makes life much easier and happier. My ex boyfriend was a very good loving partner, we'd been together for so long and i can still say he is a good man.
I still believe there is lovely men in Hong kong, but lesser now and very much less in a place like Hong kong.
I can write a book about the men i met, and my friends always say "How come you know so many a**holes?" I look back and i laugh..:)
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lulu
19 yrs ago
After School must have some emotional stress....god bless.
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rats
19 yrs ago
off the topic a bit- can women really be a FB or sex partner and feel ok/good about it? I know nowadays some women can be really detached,enjoy their independence and the joy of sex itself. But no feeling will ever evolve? I pretty much doubt it. No matter how strong or detached a woman may appear to be. She (or simply human) is still longing for love and gets confused with her own feeling easily.
On the other hand, there is much saying that guy can just f*ck with different chicks like there is no tomorrow, no matter they have feelings for them or not. They are also better at controlling their feelings (if they have any at all) towards their sex partner/fling.
What's your say? (would like to hear opinion from both sex, so men, please give us your opinions as well...)
Thanks!
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rats
19 yrs ago
berry- how so? or the more you talk about it, the more you realise how great love is. ;)
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lulu
19 yrs ago
I listened to the Radio this morning and they mentioned that men mentally/genetically is different from women. Men can really seperate "Sex" and "Love" and their sexual desire is comparatively bigger than woman, and it is not easily control by their mind and brains. However, most women has less sexual needs (compare to men) and they can control and they mix emotional with it.
Therefore, we cannot escape from the fact that "f**K buddy" will work more on men than women.
I cannot be just pure F**k buddy, at least i need a sleep and a cuddle! hahahaha.
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Got this idea from somewhere - if the guy is already getting the sex, why bother a relationship? Its like hitting it off all the time on the playoffs so why even bother changing the contract? I am a girl too and i know that deep inside we wish that somehow, someone would see more inside us rather than whats down there. The others in this post are right - if you want something meaningful, MOVE ON. Never easy but something's gotta change or u will end up getting to similar situations: always waiting (i call it like a mistress status to a single man!) and damn, for your own ego, if u know u are a great woman you definitely deserve so much more.
There are so many aspects and rules to go by. I suggest u get out because u seem to be getting attached and hoping for more. F**k buddies only work out when two people are not emotionally attached, merely attacted, and really needed "some". Trust me i have been there, its pretty risky as people are different (one may be a cool f**k buddy who turns to be a BF, one you can live without, etc.)
Trust your intuitions. I may be going overboard now but i really think u shouldnt compromise. Unless u just wanted to have the sex, fine. But dont blame anyone as its both your consent. And pls dont bring up anything to him. He's a man - he can pursue major things but if he cannot offer you more than this, its clear....
Are you guys expats?? Thats another thing. If he is and ur not, or u both are, someone had to go and he as a guy would make sure his stint would be adventurous, sexually included.
(Based in SG)
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Thanks seefelder and everyone else who offered their advice here. I talked to the guy this Sunday and it's officially over! Feel so much better now. :)
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lulu
19 yrs ago
good! somehow you never know that you would feel so great after you get rid of this kind of relationship burden!
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