Posted by
icebreaker
19 yrs ago
after seven years marrying to my husband, he came after work a month and a half ago annoucing he was leaving me and gone. I was too shocked to react with no prior signs of warning. And there hasn't been any commucation between us since, until last week, i was about to pay his phone bills (i've been the key bread winner in the house and paying for absolutely everything so naturally i would be paying his bills) and found that he's been phoning and sms this number over 10 times each day from early morning til late 3am and he was even phoning this number while i was having a shower during our holiday away. I took my courage and called that number and it was female and she said they were colleagues and hang up on me.
In the past 6 months, my hubby never came to bed until i fell asleep. He worked in funny shifts and we hardly spent time together.
I am devastated to the point that I couldn't believe how he could walk out on me after 7 years without a word and without picking up my phone calls or replying my messages and just wanna know exactly what has been going on.
When i met my hubby, he was just retrenched and without a job and i married him because i was in love with him, he finally got a job 4 years after the marriage but financially was much weaker than me (I earned 3 times his). I never really cared because I do believe as long as we love each other, money should never be the barrier.
However, my marriage started going downhill as we hardly see each other due to our demanding jobs, one afternoon out of blue, i admitted to my hubby that i've been very very stressed and tired of supporting everyone, my family, him, the car, mortgage and rent and that if i fell, everything fell etc. Now i am ready to clear up all the messes, just settled his tax bills (before i found out he's with someone else) and ready to get rid of the car (as everything is under my name, bought the car for him as he worked far from home and i can't drive), there is still this big hole in my heart that i feel i need to have at least a talk with him.... I am prepared to divorce but it's almost laughable that going for a divorce without a proper sit-down-and-talk...
yes... it's so true breaking up because it's brokern...
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my sympathies, icebreaker. of course it's best to have a closure. but if he insists and refuses, you still have to move on. people always think you need the other partner in order to close the chapter but this is often untrue. the intention lies more in one last chance to find out if there's any chance to savage the relationship. hence as much as you wanna clear things with him before the divorce procedure begins, be prepared it may not happen. in which case, you must be strong enough to pick yourself up and move on.
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so sorry to hear this has happened to you, icebreaker. the first thing you should do is get yourself a good lawyer, tell him/him everything, and extricate yourself from this marriage before your husband and his lover/second wife can take any further advantage of you. Show_N_Tell is right in saying that a final sit-down is not likely to occur. your husband has most definitely moved on.
best of luck, and better luck next time too. after you get over the heartbreak and can see with clearer eyes, never forget the lessons you have learned as you enter new relationships. it may not seem possible today, but you will some day.
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thanks for all the kind words. I've seen friends going through divorce and I know how hard it could be but for a guy who left the wife without an explanation is not making it any easier for me. I keep reminding myself of being strong and it's just one of those days but I am very tired of being strong for so long and it's to the stage I absolutley feel numb and hopeless about life in general
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being strong doesnt mean you hold you feelings and pretend nothing has happened. for sure you have the right to grief over this lost marriage. if it helps to lock yourself up for as long as you need crying you heart out, do that. but do yourself and eveyone around you who still loves you a favour, do come out of it and don't look back. everything happens for a reason. perhaps the mere existence of your husband is not the destination but an experience that is supposed to lead you on to something better. the same old saying, you won't realise it now what good it's done to you till years later. although i was never married and maybe my experience isn't half as close to yours, it took me 3 yrs to let go of someone, esp when i felt my rival was nowhere near the same calibre as me. sure it was painful but because of that, i have met better men since.
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Icebreaker, it is indeed heartbreaking when a marriage disintegrates. It is understandable at this point to feel what you do. There will be days when you are strong, but it is also absolutely normal to feel angst. Take time out to grieve, and I agree with consulting your lawyer ASAP as what VOR suggested.
Are you willing to seek counselling (if he is) to save the marriage?
If your husband agrees to sit down and attempt closure, I hope both you and him will remain civil throughout the process. Do you have children?
Do you feel it necessary to find out (what he has to say anyway) about what caused the cracks in the relationship, and eventually its end?
Will this knowledge speed up your recovery, or maybe give you insights on what to do next time around?
Whatever you decide on, continue loving yourself, and rest in the knowledge that things will come around for the best.
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Dear Icebreaker,
Very sorry that this happened to you in such an underhanded, cowardly way. If it is any consolation, he probably felt too ashamed of his own behaviour to face you with it, after all you did for him. But, sometimes, if someone takes too much from another person, no matter how close the relationship, they actually begin to resent that person. Unfair - but human nature.
Next time, and believe me, there will be a next time, make sure that the relationship starts on even ground. That way, you can respect your new lover and he can give you all that you deserve.
You are a very responsible woman with a generous heart. Don't waste too much time lamenting the loss of your dependent. Grieve the loss of your marriage and then go on to better dreams and hopes. May God go with you.
Sue
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hes a coward..i once heard all men are pigs(sorry men) it jus depends on which one u choose.. cry ur heart out... spend lots of time with ur girlfriends.. all us humans have a strong spirit..
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thx, luckily we don't have any children, i guess the saddest part is he came around to my flat when i was at work and took away some of my stuff and some gifts he gave me before, but the worst is i also lost my dog because i couldn't look after my dog with the current stage, i keep my 2 cats with me while he has my dog which I absolutely adore and it's likely i won't be able to see my dog again. I'd seek counselling if that helps, the problem is I haven't been able to get hold of him and I am not even sure if he's coming back. the total disappeareance plus he's seeing someone else indicate the end of our marriage. I am able to relieve some of my grievance by reading your posts and trust me, they help. many many thx to you all
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Dear Icebreaker:
Your act of purity, unconditionally overwhelming love and kindness is indeed very touching. I felt angry for you!!!! If you are a bread-winner for him, I rest assure that you can be a
"self-winner" yourself in this dilemma. You sounded a tough and brave woman. I am sure you can get over it! You are blessed by your act of mercy all this time. Good luck and all the best to you. You deserve a real good man.
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Dear icebreaker, I am sorry for your broken relation but happy for your freedom. Can you believe you have been throwing money into a black hole for god knows how long? May be you've been paying for the gift he bought to his new chick. Think about that. Now finally you can work for yourself and enjoy what you work for. There are so many things to do in HK, scuba diving, hiking, you name it. Lucky you don't have kids, that really complicate thing a lot. Good luck to you.
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Dear Icebreaker,
I just read your story and I feel really bad for you for having gone through this sh*t. Life sucks. I have been a victim myself of having a bad marriage Your story sounds so similar to mine, I have been through a bad marriage myself and have just ended with a divorce as my ex-husband was cheating on me for nearly 4 years. I know how the feeling is but in your case it was sudden (in the sense he just ended it and u were not aware of his affair till he walked out on u), in my case I knew it all the while and couldn't do anything. Inspite of being married we were still living single lives and now when I look back I feel I had not lived for 6 years and wasted my life. I am going through an emotional turmoil myself, can't sleep at night, feel depressed, go through mood swings, although I have a good job and god has been kind I still am restless and feel these spasms of loneliness inspte of having a full day. I love going out and try to stay out as much as I can but that I know is not the solution. I basically want to keep myself busy.
So in the last couple of months I have realised that I guess we have to start working on fixing it ourselves as at the end of the day till u don't feel the strength from within u will never be able to come around. Secondly start working on controlling your mind and am telling it really helps.
Pls forget your ex and move on with your life. Do prayers and u will really get strength from that. Just think positive in life and remember there cud have been worse things but u got out of it like this. These are the philosophies that I follow. Don't know how easy or tough it is to follow but sure is an attempt to make things work for ourselves.
All the best.
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Sweetie, I am so very sorry that you are going through such pain in your life. I think that you need to do two things immediately. First, get yourself to a counsler. It can't hurt to try this and it very well may help. You need a safe place to work through your emotions. Second, get yourself to an attorney. You need to get a clear understanding what your rights and responsilbilities are under the law. As you were the major bread winner in this marriage, you need to take steps to protect yourself financially.
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JC, actually that's exactly what my family told me to do and i have changed the lock, and today after nearly 2 months, i received an email from my hubby asking me to prepare my dog's past medical cards as he found a new owner for my dog and he also asked for his stuff back as well as checking what i would do for stuff that belonged to both of us.
As strong as most people see me, it broke my heart and I burst into tears thinking of my dog and I told him I'd take my dog eventhough it's hard for me to look after the dog plus the other 2 cats with my current status.
It's so the end of it, I am so going to move on, I had some wonderful years with my hubby and I really don't hate him, I am just disappointed but life goes on.
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Icebreaker--
You spent wonderful years with your husband, and there is no reason why you should erase those good memories. Hard as it may seem, try to remember only the good times and move on.
Give yourself a few hours only to grieve (each day if need be), but arm yourself with positive energy throughout the day. And stay away from negative people, you don't need them, nor their advice.
Stay strong :)
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Not only that I would say that nothing is jointly his.....you earned it...you keep it...in
He is a coward and an A***HOLE of the first degree. He may have found someone who provides more. He is a parasite, and think that you are lucky that he has found someone else to suck dry.
I am glad that you are rid of him and that your family is offering sensible advice like change the locks....
I am sorry for you, and it is always sad to hear that people treat other people in this way.
Try to keep dignified at all costs, and don't be the loser. He is the loser.
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Hi Icebreaker, such guy is not worth to be a man nor a husband. So is the sad thing to do but leaving him is the only way to make your life easier and feeling must better.
You are a strong woman and doesn't deserve such behaviour from that guy. Once you divorce, you feel that you can start a new life and enjoy the time with yoru family and friends which will always support you.
So if you need someone to chat you are free to contact me at viccheng@yahoo.com
Have a nice day
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