Posted by
coldheart
19 yrs ago
I am burning with anger and frustration!!
I have a wife that I thought I love but is so frustrated as I don' know if it is me or my wife. She is a great mother but when it bogs down to desire and passion as a wife -its entirely different.
I have seen many situations in previous threads, but I think we have a maid to do the house work and all she does is look after the kids which of course is no easy tasks and I praise her and buy her gifts every month to say how much I love her and care for her and admire her as a mother. I come her after work (just as many adviced) to ask her how she feels with kids and tried talkign her. On at least once a month I take her out somewhere nice just two of us to appreciate what she does.. But hey..what do I get ? Just complains I don't care for her or complains I don't spend enough time with the kids (I work 13 hours nearly Mon-Fri but tried spend all my time with kids at weekends)
So I don't claim to be perfect but I am trying hard over the last 5 years and what do I get? I just want to be desired and touched but she is not interested in sex at all...
Oh sorry is any one of those story again ;-(( I am getting to a point I have given up hope and are just staying for the children whom I love tremendously...
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sorry to hear about your situation, coldheart. have you tried couples therapy or relationship counseling?
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tell u what coldheart -- there's a reason men have to be dragged kicking and screaming into therapy. Couples therapy just eases the blow, it solves nothing
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Yes I know - open up and try to communicate ones feelings. If it was only that simple. We always ended up in argument. and yes I know 13 hours is not doing any good for the family but believe me I would rather work 0 hours a day. I am only working to paid for a living - in HK is not ups to me how many hours I work..
Everytime I said we are heading for redlights in our marriage she would say "yes I know we are unless you start changing" - Great I must be blind am I doing something wrong I mean does one has to be Mr Perfect to please ones wife?
I heard that is all emotional for woman all in the mind. but I think my wife is one of those real moody ones, one moment she is very sweet but her mood swings can go 360 to something completely different..
Is any wife or married man experiencing similar thing?
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Dear Coldheart:
I'm sorry you are in an unhappy situation. I would strongly recommend a book called "The sex starved marriage" by Michele Weiner Davis which deals with various sexual problems in marriage.
Unlike most books, which only "diagnose" or explain the problem, this one has loads of practical solutions. There is advice for the high desire partner and the low desire partner. I purchased my copy from my GPs office: Dr Lauren Bramley, Pacific House, Queen's Road Central (tel: 2877 6068).
Of course not every problem can be solved, and not every marriage can be saved, but this book is very well written and in my opinion well worth a go. Good luck to you!
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Thanks elvish raven girl but its too much of a pain trying to sort councilling
Thanks Snow Rose- may see if there is one in a bookshop around
Need_SomeInfo - your advice is tremendous idea - you know persistency and increase frequency is the key tnis is something so obvious bit I havn't thought of. I will definitely tried this starting tommorrow morning- you know I have done bit of this and that but not all in one go and certainly not kept it up intensely for a week.
Thank you so much - Will let you all know how I do!
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Coldheart, really felt your anger and frustration. Seems that you are responding to your wife's moods. How about encouraging her to do something she really likes and that you know will make her happy and keep her interested. I bet you if she is happy you will be happy too.
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Oh, people are always looking for an affair as an excuse for a marriage dying.
I would follow what Elvish Raven Girl said -- or decide you're going to fish or cut bait. Either divorce, or commit yourself to this situation.
Sometimes marriages die without an affair being involved. They just die...
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ShazP
19 yrs ago
agreew ith need some info & zelda.
I would go nuts if my hubby did 13 hrs every weekday. Looking after the kids is hard work, especially is she is making up for the loss of ' daddy' too during the week. Even with a DH, it does not make it any lesser being Mum to kids.
Need some info is spot on...for women, its always an emotional thing. they need to feel loved, remembered & sexy. Sex is not what I am saying, just feelings, emotions & sex is the advanced stage if it!Men are more practical about stuff like that.
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Dear All,
After this posting somehow I think our relationship has improved, we have sex more frequent and I can see we are both making an effort - its not easy but heading the right direction. Thanks for all the advice - its really a good forum!
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Coldheart - glad to hear that!
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at last you got s*x,i read this exactly same forum for womans only, i thought only womans complain about luck of s*x, but anyway try to give him a date once a month, in a cozy bar and then sleep one night in the hotel, just leave your kids behind the situation, be lovers again.... and it will help a bit excitement.....
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Coldheart,
I got the same feeling as your wife's cause my husband also work 13 to 15 hours every day, sometimes including Saturday and Sunday. I got a boy and also got a domestic helper, but this is not what we as a wife or woman need. What we need is our husband's attention and care, not only his money. At least your wife is luckier than me, you understand there's a problem in your marriage and tried to find way to improve it, not like my husband, everytime I mentioned this problem to him, he can only say I am too noisy, don understand him.
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Hi Coldheart,
Perhaps I should tell you my story.
I am a female in my very early 20's. Last year I met the man of my dreams - he is my soulmate and what I had with him will never be replaced. He is nearly 40 years old, he had separated from his wife when we met, and they were applying for a divorce. Everything was perfect - he has three beautiful children who I loved (and still do). He and I were both sure that we had truly found the person we were looking for in life. However, he felt so much guilt that he wasn't giving his children a family unit, that he went back to his wife. Therefore we split up, and I have never felt so much heartache in my life. She was horrible to him and horrible to us when we were together, but he went back for the children because he loves them more than anything in the world. He and his wife got a lot of relationship counselling, and he tells me now that things are fairly normal in their home. Nevertheless, 9 months later - we are still in touch having an affair.
Furthermore, after years of unhappiness, my own parents also split up about 8 months ago. Looking back on my childhood I realise how unhappy they were, and how they really only stayed together to get me through my education. Once I was to move out, they could let their guard down.
In saying all this - I think that children know when you are unhappy. They sense so much more that we think they do. It's your life too, Coldheart. There could be someone else out there who you will know is the right one for you.
If you can read between the lines, I hope this helps.
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